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Most affairs aren't about sex, they're about an unmet need the person can't name. EMDR therapist Kelly O'Horo explains how attachment injuries drive infidelity, and shares two stories of affairs that began after the birth of a child, when watching a wife nurture their baby reawakened a man's own childhood wounds.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone. I'm Kelly O'Horo.
0:09
And this is Adaptable, Behavior
0:11
Explained. Hi everybody, welcome back to
0:13
Adaptable, the show where we help you
0:15
navigate life's challenges with greater
0:17
awareness, resilience, and compassion
0:20
for not just yourself, but others.
0:22
Today, we're continuing our series on
0:24
infidelity, and we're going to tackle
0:26
one of the biggest misconceptions
0:28
surrounding affairs.
0:29
Affairs are not always about sex. In
0:32
fact, for many people, the driving force
0:34
behind an affair has far more to do with
0:36
attachment, emotional wounds, unmet
0:39
needs, and the deep human desire for
0:41
connection than it does with physical
0:43
intimacy.
0:45
So, before we dive in, let me be very
0:46
clear. Understanding why affairs happen
0:49
is not the same thing as excusing them.
0:51
That's not what we're doing here. My
0:53
goal today is to help you understand the
0:55
psychology underneath the behavior, so
0:57
that healing, accountability, and growth
1:00
can even become possible. If you've been
1:02
betrayed, if you've had an affair, or if
1:05
you've simply are just trying to
1:06
understand why relationships sometimes
1:08
unravel in unexpected ways, this show is
1:12
for you.
1:13
So, let me start with a question. What
1:15
if the affair wasn't actually about
1:17
wanting someone else? What if it was
1:19
about desperately wanting a version of
1:21
yourself that you no longer felt
1:23
connected to?
1:24
Maybe it's a version that felt seen, or
1:27
chosen, desired,
1:29
important, wanted, alive.
1:33
Because when we look through the lens of
1:34
attachment theory, many affairs begin
1:37
not in the bedroom, but in loneliness,
1:39
emotional disconnection, and unresolved
1:41
wounds.
1:43
So, when we reduce affairs to "They just
1:46
wanted sex," we miss the opportunity to
1:48
understand what was really happening
1:50
underneath. There's always a why, that's
1:53
what we do with this show. And without
1:55
understanding the root cause, healing
1:57
becomes much harder.
1:58
So, whether you're rebuilding trust
2:00
after infidelity or trying to prevent it
2:02
from happening in your own relationship,
2:05
understanding attachment dynamics can
2:07
completely change the conversation. And
2:09
I will tell you that I have worked with
2:11
couples that have been through this, and
2:12
they've been willing to put in the hard
2:14
work and the grit, and when they come
2:15
out on the other side, they're better
2:17
than some of the healthiest marriages
2:18
that I've ever seen because they're
2:20
willing to look at the hard um truths
2:23
about what caused their pain in the
2:24
first place.
2:26
So, let's start with the basics.
2:27
Attachment theory tells us that human
2:30
beings are wired for connection. This
2:31
isn't up for debate. From infancy
2:34
onward, we learn how safe relationships
2:36
feel if we were lucky enough to have
2:39
attuned, caring, and loving parents. We
2:41
develop attachment styles that influence
2:43
how we connect, communicate, trust, and
2:46
seek closeness, and have a sense of self
2:49
in the world. Generally speaking, we see
2:51
four attachment styles, and please check
2:54
out my whole playlist on attachment
2:56
because I think everybody should really
2:58
learn this in high school, to be honest.
3:00
Secure attachment, anxious attachment,
3:03
avoidant attachment, and fearful or
3:05
avoidant attachment, or sometimes called
3:07
disorganized attachment. These styles
3:09
don't determine our fate, but they can
3:11
heavily influence how we respond when
3:13
relationships become strained. When
3:15
attachment needs go unmet over time,
3:18
people often begin searching,
3:20
consciously or unconsciously, for ways
3:22
to soothe that pain.
3:24
And sometimes those strategies are
3:26
really unhelpful. So, let's talk a
3:28
little bit about affairs and attachment
3:30
strategies specifically. This is where
3:33
things get really interesting because
3:35
many affairs aren't simply about
3:37
attraction. They function as attachment
3:40
strategies or maladaptive adaptations.
3:43
The affair becomes a way to regulate
3:45
emotions, cope with loneliness, manage
3:48
feelings of rejection, or escape
3:50
emotional pain.
3:51
For example, someone who feels unseen at
3:54
home may become deeply attached to a
3:56
person who listens attentively in other
3:58
places of their life. Someone who feels
4:00
criticized might gravitate towards a
4:03
person who offers admiration.
4:05
Uh someone struggling with self-worth
4:07
may become addicted to the validation
4:09
that that comes from being desired.
4:12
The affair partner often represents
4:14
something emotionally significant, not
4:16
because they're necessarily a better
4:18
partner, but because they temporarily
4:20
soothe an attachment wound.
4:23
So, let's talk now about the need
4:25
beneath that behavior.
4:27
One of the questions that I often ask
4:29
clients is what need was the affair
4:32
meeting? Or what what source was this
4:35
happening to heal?
4:37
Again, it's not about justification,
4:39
it's about understanding and getting
4:41
curious. Common needs can include
4:44
feeling valued, feeling desired, feeling
4:47
emotionally safe, feeling understood,
4:49
feeling important, feeling appreciated,
4:52
feeling alive and connected or excited.
4:55
And when people don't recognize these
4:56
needs in themselves, they often seek
4:58
them outside of a relationship. So, the
5:01
problem is that the affairs provide this
5:03
temporary relief, not lasting healing.
5:06
It's a little bit like a band-aid on a
5:07
broken ankle.
5:09
It's emotional pain medication, but it's
5:11
not true recovery. And ultimately, it
5:14
will cause a lot more pain in everybody
5:16
involved because really not anyone can
5:19
win when this happens.
5:21
So, why the affair can feel so powerful
5:23
is what we're going to talk about next.
5:26
Many betrayed partners struggle with a
5:28
painful question.
5:30
Why did they seem so attached to the
5:32
affair partner?
5:33
And the answer often lies in the
5:35
neurobiology and attachment. Affairs
5:38
frequently exist outside of pressures of
5:42
daily life. It's a little bit like
5:43
fiction. There's no bills, there's no
5:45
planning, there's no parenting
5:47
responsibilities, no household
5:49
conflicts, or who needs to do what in
5:51
our list of things that have to get
5:53
done. There's no decades of accumulated
5:56
resentment. Instead, there's novelty and
5:59
excitement, anticipation, validation,
6:02
and often times fantasy. And the brain
6:04
releases powerful chemicals associated
6:07
with that reward and attachment. What
6:09
develops can feel incredibly intense,
6:12
but intensity is not the same thing as
6:14
intimacy.
6:16
Because intimacy requires someone to see
6:18
into you, into me, you see. And fantasy
6:21
is not the same thing as genuine
6:23
connection.
6:24
Many people confuse the emotional high
6:27
that's created by an affair with finding
6:29
a soulmate. And in reality, they're
6:31
often experiencing just relief from
6:33
pain, not evidence of a healthier
6:36
relationship. So, now we're going to
6:37
talk about the betrayed partner's
6:39
experience. And let's pause here because
6:41
I never want conversations about
6:43
attachment to overlook the pain of the
6:45
betrayal that you experienced.
6:47
For the betrayed partner, infidelity
6:49
creates an attachment injury, and it's
6:51
incredibly traumatic. The person who was
6:54
supposed to be your safest person and
6:56
place suddenly becomes the source of
6:58
profound hurt. It can create
7:01
hypervigilance, anxiety, intrusive
7:04
thoughts, loss of trust, identity
7:07
struggles, emotion dysregulation, and
7:10
many people describe it as trauma
7:12
because the relationship itself no
7:14
longer feels safe.
7:15
This is why healing requires much, much
7:18
more than simply ending an affair.
7:20
Trust has to be rebuilt, safety has to
7:23
be restored, and attachment must be
7:25
repaired.
7:27
There is a possibility for true healing,
7:29
but it requires accountability.
7:32
Uh one of the greatest misconceptions
7:34
about attachment is that understanding
7:36
wounds removes responsibility, and it
7:38
just doesn't. Every affair involves
7:41
choices, and understanding the reasons
7:44
behind those choices simply helps us
7:46
prevent future harm. We have to
7:49
recognize the root cause of our our
7:51
decisions and our behaviors for us to
7:53
not repeat those patterns. And healthy
7:56
healing requires honest accountability,
7:59
transparency, emotional maturity,
8:02
exploring your unmet needs and figuring
8:04
out what the heck happened and what was
8:06
going on that made me stray.
8:08
Understanding attachment patterns and
8:10
how my wiring was not being met, my
8:13
needs were not being met. And so
8:15
learning healthier relational skills,
8:17
speaking up for my needs, talking about
8:19
what's going wrong, how do I feel and
8:21
what's contributing to those feelings.
8:23
When people ignore those deeper issues,
8:26
the behavior often repeats itself in a
8:28
future relationships. Not necessarily
8:30
the same partner, sometimes different
8:32
partner. Same wounds, same outcome. So I
8:36
tell clients you will perhaps end a
8:38
relationship, but if you move into the
8:40
next relationship without cleaning up
8:42
the baggage, you will bring the very
8:43
same behaviors and adaptations and
8:45
problems into the next relationship.
8:48
So the real question that we need to be
8:50
asking is pretty important. Why did this
8:53
happen in the first place? What caused
8:55
this person to have the affair? And the
8:57
more transformative question is what was
9:00
happening emotionally that made the
9:02
affair seem like this is a good idea,
9:05
this is the answer and this is how I can
9:07
feel better.
9:08
When we ask that question, we begin
9:10
moving away from shame and toward
9:12
understanding. Away from blame and
9:15
toward healing. Away from symptoms and
9:18
toward root causes, which really are
9:20
always the reason for every behavior.
9:23
So if today's conversation resonated
9:25
with you, here are three things that you
9:27
can reflect on this week.
9:29
You want to identify your core
9:31
attachment needs. And to do this, you
9:33
want to ask yourself, when do I feel
9:35
most connected? When do I feel most
9:38
disconnected? What emotional needs am I
9:41
afraid to express?
9:43
You want to practice honest
9:44
communication. Start naming your needs
9:47
directly rather than hoping others will
9:49
figure them out. Healthy relationships
9:51
thrive on clarity. Clear is kind and not
9:55
mind reading. You want to get curious
9:57
about your patterns. Instead of asking
9:59
what's wrong with me, try asking, "What
10:01
is this behavior trying to protect me
10:03
from?" That question often opens the
10:06
door to tremendous growth. Curiosity is
10:09
the first place that we would want to go
10:11
when we're trying to understand the
10:13
roots of our behaviors.
10:15
So, today we explored a powerful truth.
10:18
Many affairs are not primarily driven by
10:20
sex. They're driven by attachment needs,
10:22
unmet emotional disconnection,
10:25
validation seeking, and unmet unresolved
10:28
needs.
10:29
That understanding does not excuse
10:31
betrayal. Make no mistake, I'm not okay
10:33
with that behavior. There's so much
10:35
collateral damage, but it can help us
10:37
understand that and with understanding
10:40
there's a possibility to have hope and
10:42
to have healing. And understanding is
10:45
often where the start of healing has to
10:47
begin.
10:49
So, whether you're recovering from
10:50
infidelity, you're rebuilding trust, or
10:52
simply working on strengthening your
10:54
relationships, I hope today's
10:56
conversation offered a deeper
10:57
perspective and a little more compassion
11:00
for the complicated nature of being
11:02
human.
11:03
If this episode was helpful, I'd love
11:06
for you to subscribe and leave a review
11:08
and share it with someone who might
11:09
benefit from this conversation. And I'd
11:11
love to hear from you. What was your
11:13
biggest takeaway from today's episode?
11:16
Leave a comment, send a message, or
11:17
connect with me on social media and
11:19
let's continue this conversation.
11:21
So, thank you so much for tuning in and
11:23
until next time, don't forget to lead
11:25
with love. It'll never steer you wrong.
11:32
>> I'm
11:33
I'm
11:44
I'm
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