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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over Parenting Little Kids with Big Emotions, why children’s feelings can feel so big, how to stay grounded when they’re overwhelmed, and what it takes to turn chaos into connection. Because when we understand the emotions beneath the behavior, we can respond with calm instead of control and help our kids feel truly seen and safe.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks so much for tuning in
0:14
to Adaptable. I'm your host, Kelly
0:16
O'Horo, and today we're going to talk
0:19
about a topic that I've been requested
0:22
to record, and this is about parenting
0:24
little kiddos, especially those that are
0:27
demonstrating and showing really big
0:29
feelings. All of us get activated when
0:32
we have to deal with someone else's
0:34
distress. And so part of this episode is
0:37
going to help you as a parent or a
0:39
caregiver better deal with little ones
0:41
when they are in overwhelm and in
0:44
distress. And so we're going to help you
0:46
manage their big feelings. Uh if you've
0:49
ever thought about like why is my child
0:51
melting down over the wrong color cup or
0:54
why do they hit when they're mad? you
0:57
know, these little moments of what seems
0:59
to us as an adult as so erratic and we
1:02
wonder, well, you're not alone because
1:04
today we're going to explore why these
1:06
behaviors happen and what they're really
1:09
telling us and of course how to respond
1:11
in ways that will build resilience and
1:14
connection for you in your child's
1:16
relationships.
1:18
So, let's first talk about the
1:20
neuroscience a little bit and why big
1:22
feelings happen. The truth is all
1:24
behavior is communication and all
1:27
behavior is predicated by emotions. So
1:30
for those of you who don't want to
1:32
understand or discuss emotions, well,
1:35
sorry. We're biologically wired to first
1:38
be emotional beings. And we're feeling
1:40
beings, not thinking beings. Our
1:42
emotions are first. Gabbor Mate reminds
1:45
us that every bad behavior is the result
1:48
of an unmet need. And I so love that
1:50
quote because it then employs us to
1:53
become really good investigators. What
1:56
are we needing to understand? What needs
1:58
are not being met? And we have to be
2:00
curious because kids aren't giving us a
2:03
hard time. They're just having a hard
2:05
time. And so our job is to get curious
2:07
and figure out what is it that they're
2:09
having a hard time about. One of the
2:11
people that I follow on Instagram, her
2:13
name is Jessica Milbour, and she's got a
2:15
a channel called Responsive Parenting,
2:17
and I really like a lot of what she
2:18
says. And she says, "Behavior is the
2:20
language of the nervous system." So our
2:23
nervous system is communicating whatever
2:25
it is that we're feeling. And ultimately
2:27
then how we act. And so when kids act
2:30
out, they're saying, "I'm overwhelmed."
2:32
And without knowing how to ask for help,
2:34
that's really what we're saying is, "I
2:36
need help." And this is how I'm
2:37
communicating that. Dr. Dr. Dan Seagull
2:40
explains in the whole brain child that
2:43
young children's upstairs brain, that's
2:45
the part that manages logic and
2:47
self-control, it's it's still under
2:49
construction. Keep in mind, when we're
2:51
born, only 25% of our brain is
2:54
developed. And so, it's small so that it
2:56
can fit through the our head is small so
2:57
it can fit through the birth canal. And
2:59
in those very early years, our brain is
3:01
literally still being built. And so when
3:04
big feelings hit that downstairs brain
3:07
which is like emotion and survival uh
3:09
takes over and that's why reasoning in
3:12
the middle of a tantrum or when our
3:14
child or uh children are overwhelmed or
3:16
in distress is ineffective. And so we
3:19
really as the as the adult need to
3:21
recognize we we don't have an audience
3:23
at all when someone is in distress. So
3:25
for example if if the toddler throws a
3:28
toy across the room it's not defiance
3:30
it's really just system dysregulation.
3:33
their nervous system is totally flooded
3:35
and really they need your calm to find
3:38
theirs. They need you to help them
3:40
co-regulate. And so if we come in hot
3:42
with all of our aggression because we're
3:44
frustrated, well then they match pitch
3:46
and they end up being part uh in that
3:49
dynamic with you. And so what we want to
3:52
look at is that connection should happen
3:55
before correction. Another really
3:58
awesome figure in the public space about
4:00
parenting is Dr. Becky Kennedy and she's
4:03
the author of Good Inside and I just
4:05
love really everything she has to say
4:07
with parenting. So, she's an excellent
4:08
resource. I highly encourage you
4:10
checking her out, but she says it best
4:12
when she says, "Kids are good inside.
4:14
Even when their behavior looks messy,
4:17
their core is good. Kids are not born
4:19
bad. So, our job is really to lead with
4:22
connection and not our attempt to
4:24
control." I know that that's hard
4:27
because our adaptations oftentimes when
4:30
we are in a in a moment of powerlessness
4:32
is to power over or to gain control. I
4:35
know I am so guilty of it. Just last
4:37
night, my grandson was like yelling
4:40
about something and he was getting so
4:43
upset and overwhelmed and his little
4:45
nervous system didn't need me to yell
4:47
back, which I failed at. I did. I I was
4:49
like, "We need to lower our voice." And
4:52
the message I'm sending is with all this
4:54
this heat and this yelling is like what
4:57
you're doing is making me yell and now
4:59
you're going to yell more and it's just
5:00
the bad message. So what I needed to do
5:02
was slow down and drop in and look at
5:05
him and go, "Hey, talk to me about what
5:07
you need. I can hear that it's important
5:09
to you. Your voice is raised. You're
5:11
being really loud and we need to bring
5:12
it down so that I can hear you." And so
5:15
we need to ask what is it that the child
5:17
needs right now? So when our kids scream
5:20
something like, "I hate you." Instead of
5:23
yelling at them and saying, "Don't talk
5:24
to me like that." Try to say, "I hear
5:26
you're really mad. I know you're upset
5:28
right now, and it's okay to feel mad,
5:31
and it's okay to be hurt, but it's not
5:34
okay to hurt when you're hurting." And
5:36
what you're doing then is you're
5:38
validating the feeling of their
5:39
experience, but holding the boundary of
5:42
what's acceptable and not acceptable
5:44
behavior. So, let me give you some
5:46
practical things to say that are based
5:48
on brainbased tools. Like I said
5:51
earlier, Dan Seagull is so great with
5:53
helping us normalize the behavior of of
5:56
our systems and the emotional uh
5:59
propensities that lead our behavior. And
6:01
so, one of the little uh things that Dan
6:04
Seagull says is you've got to name it to
6:06
tame it, which I love. And that's when
6:08
we name a feeling, we help to integrate
6:11
the brain and ultimately calm the storm.
6:14
So things that you can try saying,"I
6:16
hear that you're feeling so frustrated
6:18
and that really makes sense to me right
6:20
now." That's validating. That's saying,
6:22
"I get what you're feeling and I'm right
6:24
here with you." Another thing you might
6:26
say is, "You're safe right now and I'm
6:28
right here. You're not alone." Another
6:30
thing you could say is, "It's okay to
6:32
feel mad. It's just not okay to hit.
6:34
We've got to do something better with
6:36
that mad." So, let's say you've got a
6:39
preschooler and they're melting down
6:41
because you cut their sandwich the wrong
6:42
way and and you know they wanted uh
6:45
triangles instead of squares and so
6:47
instead of fixing the sandwich and you
6:50
know frenetically trying to get them to
6:52
downregulate because you're upset with
6:54
their response and maybe you're even
6:56
making it about you that you cut it
6:57
wrong. Instead, slow yourself down and
7:00
say, "I get it. You wanted triangles.
7:03
That's so disappointing when we don't
7:04
have the sandwich cut the way we want
7:06
it." And that way this I get it
7:08
statement is a validating experience for
7:11
the child. And that in and of itself
7:14
really can help to calm the nervous
7:16
system. And honestly when they're when
7:18
their lid is flipped and they're
7:19
stressed out that you don't have an
7:21
audience anyway. You can't reason with
7:23
that. You can't be logical with someone
7:25
when when their brain is offline because
7:27
they're overwhelmed and they're
7:29
triggered. So we need to get their their
7:32
brain online again so that logic can be
7:34
met. So part of how we do that is by
7:36
meeting them with a validating
7:37
experience, using yourself as a
7:40
grounding element so that they know
7:42
they're not alone in their distress. So
7:44
now we're going to talk a little bit
7:45
about boundaries. And I speak about
7:46
boundaries in many of my episodes
7:48
because they're really the key to
7:50
connection. And boundaries held
7:52
appropriately really are a model of
7:55
love. Responsive parenting isn't
7:58
permissive. letting them do whatever
8:00
they want because they want it and that
8:02
makes them more comfortable. And
8:04
ultimately, we're tired, right? As
8:05
parents or caregivers, we're tired. And
8:07
so sometimes the path of least
8:09
resistance is just letting them get away
8:11
with whatever it is they're doing
8:13
because we're worn out. But we we have
8:15
to be reminded that boundaries create
8:18
safety and kids need to know that we're
8:21
the sturdy leader of boundaries. So step
8:24
one is always to validate a feeling, but
8:27
then we need to hold the limit. And if
8:29
they don't hear you, it's okay to just
8:31
kind of do a broken record technique and
8:34
repeat that limit. It's not okay to hit.
8:37
We're not going to hit. We're going to
8:38
keep our hands to ourselves. And we do
8:40
it in a calm voice because then we help
8:42
to co-regulate the child. So let me give
8:45
you another simple example. This this
8:47
kind of thing happens all the time. Your
8:49
kid wants another cookie. They want
8:50
another cupcake. They want more dessert.
8:53
And so you're gonna say, "I know you
8:55
want more cookies. Cookies are really
8:56
yummy. I always want more dessert, too.
8:59
But we're all done for today." So we
9:01
empathize first. Plus, we set the limit,
9:04
which then creates security. So it's
9:07
empathy plus a limit equals security in
9:10
the child. That helps you to be the
9:12
sturdy leader. It helps you
9:15
manage the moment and be in charge. and
9:18
they can feel even though disappointed
9:20
they can't have the other cookie,
9:23
calm in the fact that they know that
9:25
there are limits and boundaries. And
9:26
really, kids will always work the edges
9:28
until they find them. And so if your
9:30
child is really acting out regularly,
9:34
what you can assume is that your limits
9:36
have been wiggly, your boundaries have
9:38
been wiggly, you know, your bedtimes
9:40
haven't been consistent, your time to
9:42
eat hasn't been consistent, the bath
9:45
routine has not been consistent. And
9:46
those moments of lacking in structure
9:50
say to a child, "My limits are wiggly
9:53
and I don't know what to expect." And so
9:55
then we end up having unmet needs in a
9:58
child and they can't predict what's
9:59
going to happen and so they start to act
10:01
out. So again, boundaries are really a
10:03
way to set loving limits for our
10:05
children and they they need them. They
10:07
thrive with them and it's super
10:09
important for us to model that. So
10:11
here's some tools as a parent or a
10:13
caregiver that I can hopefully help you
10:16
employ. The first thing is a pause.
10:20
Pausing before reacting. And this is
10:21
hard for all of us. I you know I talked
10:23
about the example with my grandson last
10:25
night. I could give you a thousand more
10:27
with my grandkids regularly that I am
10:30
guilty of myself not pausing before the
10:32
reaction. But truly your calm is the
10:35
medicine. Your calm is what helps a
10:36
child to co-regulate with you. They
10:40
match pitch with you. So if we come in
10:42
calm, we are co-regulating. Sit close,
10:45
bend down, get on their level, breathe
10:48
slowly. Sometimes they'll even match
10:50
that. Offer your physical presence as
10:53
part of how to get them calmed down. Did
10:56
you know that children can't even
10:59
regulate their nervous systems at all
11:01
without the help of an adult until
11:03
they're six months old? Research shows
11:05
that. And so we can't ask child children
11:08
to regulate their own nervous systems on
11:10
their own. We have to co-regulate them.
11:12
And we practice so that they can then
11:14
learn eventually that they don't need
11:16
you for co-regulation.
11:18
So with co-regulation again, we're
11:21
modeling what it is we're hoping to gain
11:23
in the moment. We're going to mess up.
11:25
So we want to repair after those
11:27
ruptures. So if you lose it, you know,
11:29
you want to say, "I got really mad. That
11:31
wasn't okay. I'm really sorry and I love
11:34
you." You know, I I should have circled
11:36
back with my grandson last night and
11:37
said, "You know what? Nona was too noisy
11:40
when she got when she heard you yelling.
11:42
You know, I was I was loud, too. And
11:44
that wasn't the right way, and I'm
11:45
really sorry. I needed to to hear you
11:47
better." and and slow myself down and
11:50
own, right? Own after the rupture and
11:52
repair as needed. They learn that if we
11:54
model it. And what a beautiful example
11:56
we can set. We're not going to get it
11:58
right all the time, but that it's okay
12:00
to correct when we do get it wrong. So,
12:03
I talked earlier about being great
12:04
investigators. And so, remember, all bad
12:07
behavior is the result of an unmet need.
12:09
So, we need to get really good about
12:11
being curious. What's the unmet need?
12:13
Are they hungry? Are they tired? Are
12:16
they needing connection? because we've
12:17
been overwhelmed and distracted. Is
12:20
there sensory overload going on? There's
12:22
just been too much and it's it's been
12:24
happening for too long and they can't
12:25
downregulate their system. So again, we
12:28
need to become the investigators. Your
12:30
child hits their sibling. Instead of
12:33
punishment, you want to say, um, I know
12:36
you wanted that toy and it's okay to
12:37
want the toy, but it's not okay to hit.
12:39
Let's find another way. So, you're
12:41
teaching skills not to just stop
12:44
behavior, but you're teaching skills
12:46
about how to navigate uh stressful
12:48
situations. And ultimately, when we get
12:51
better at achieving this balance and
12:54
bringing down our intention, our
12:56
intensity, we can experience more joy.
12:59
We learn to adapt. And so, you know,
13:01
this is part of our our growth
13:03
opportunity as caregivers and parents.
13:04
So, parenting little kids is really
13:07
hard. They challenge us all the time.
13:10
Thousands of times a day, our kids
13:11
challenge us. And so, you're gonna mess
13:13
up. That's normal. That's okay. Please
13:16
don't beat yourself up because repair is
13:18
really powerful. And every time you mess
13:20
up and you repair and you reconnect,
13:24
there's an opportunity for growth.
13:26
There's an opportunity for connection.
13:27
There's an opportunity to teach
13:29
accountability. And you're teaching your
13:31
child that relationships can handle hard
13:33
things. and that um conflict can be met
13:36
with constructive moments of repair. And
13:40
so you want to celebrate those small
13:41
wins. Uh you know, the time you stayed
13:43
calm, the the time you named a feeling
13:46
and the time you modeled for them
13:49
appropriate resonance. Remember that
13:51
you're not raising a perfectly behaved
13:54
child. You're raising a human who knows
13:56
that they're good inside and that
13:58
they're good people even when they have
14:00
moments of struggle. And that's what we
14:02
really want. So remember all behavior is
14:06
communication and if it's bad or not
14:09
your preferred behavior that it's just a
14:12
communication about some unmet need and
14:14
we need to become the great
14:16
investigators. Remember that we want to
14:18
offer connection before correction so
14:21
that we don't lose our audience and so
14:22
that we can have a listener. that
14:24
boundaries are love and limits are ways
14:27
that our kids can count on structure in
14:29
our environment and that they know we
14:32
aren't wiggly, that we can be relied
14:34
upon. And then of course, we're going to
14:36
get it wrong and repair is where the
14:38
magic is. So, please be kind to
14:41
yourselves because raising little ones
14:43
is hard, especially if there's more than
14:45
one, and we're all spread thin with all
14:47
of the responsibilities we have. Thank
14:50
you so much for tuning in. If this
14:52
episode resonated with you, please
14:54
subscribe and leave a comment um or
14:56
share it with someone who might be
14:57
struggling with this very topic. Please
15:00
feel free to connect with me on social
15:02
media through my website um or links in
15:04
the show notes and we're going to drop a
15:06
couple of um great resources for you on
15:08
parenting little ones in the
15:10
description. So again, thanks so much
15:12
for tuning in and until next time,
15:15
remember you're adaptable and make sure
15:18
that you're leading with love because
15:19
it'll never steer you wrong.