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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, we explore Avoidant Attachment, what it looks like, how it develops, and the ways it can show up in our relationships today. Learn how emotional distance, self-reliance, and discomfort with vulnerability often trace back to early experiences, and discover practical ways to build deeper, more secure connections.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hello
0:12
there. Thanks for tuning in to
0:14
Adaptable. I'm Kelly O'Horo, your host.
0:16
And today we're going to dig into um one
0:20
of the four attachment styles, which is
0:22
avoidant attachment style. It is the
0:24
third most prevalent attachment style.
0:27
And if you're just tuning in, I did a
0:31
full overview on attachment a earlier in
0:34
season 1. And then I did an episode two
0:37
weeks ago on secure attachment last week
0:40
on anxious attachment. So tune in if you
0:42
want to dig in more deeply to each
0:44
style. Whether it's you uh that
0:46
identifies with that attachment or
0:48
someone you love, it's always helpful to
0:50
understand. So I created this show so
0:52
that people could better understand the
0:54
behavior of others and what uh what
0:57
caused those behaviors because when we
1:00
understand we can be more compassionate
1:01
and more kind. So this show is all about
1:03
the why for behavior. So as I said we're
1:06
going to explore the attachment style
1:08
that often gets really misunderstood.
1:11
That's avoidant attachment. If you've
1:14
ever felt uncomfortable with emotional
1:16
closeness, found yourself pulling away
1:18
when things get too intimate, have
1:20
trouble hugging, kissing, being snuggly,
1:24
and you feel safely relying more safe
1:26
relying on yourself than others, then
1:28
this episode is for you. So, what is
1:31
avoidant attachment? Well, attachment
1:34
theory helps us to understand how our
1:36
early bonds shape our adult
1:38
relationships, how we show up in the
1:40
presence of others, whether we feel
1:42
safe, we feel secure, or in this case,
1:44
avoid it. Avoid an attachment is, like I
1:47
said, one of the four main styles
1:49
alongside those others. And avoid an
1:51
attachment, it's it's really marked by a
1:54
deep discomfort with emotional
1:56
vulnerability. People with this style
1:58
often grew up in environments where
2:00
independence was valued over emotional
2:03
expression or where emotional needs were
2:06
totally dismissed or minimized. This is
2:08
where someone just doesn't have time for
2:10
feelings or they don't tolerate their
2:12
own emotional experience like as a
2:14
parent and so they don't don't accept
2:17
emotional experiences in their offspring
2:19
and they basically condition them to
2:22
close them down. So, people with
2:23
avoidant attachment come up with beliefs
2:25
about themselves like, "I can't rely on
2:27
others. I go it alone. People aren't my
2:31
jam. Meeting other people makes me weak.
2:33
Uh, emotions are messy. You best keep
2:36
those to yourself." These beliefs show
2:37
up in relationships and they can be
2:40
really challenging to manage if you're
2:42
in a relationship with someone with
2:43
avoidant attachment because people with
2:46
avoidant attachment will often pull away
2:48
when things get too close. And so when
2:50
you're maybe in conflict, they distance
2:53
themselves. So it makes it harder to
2:55
repair or get in back in connection.
2:56
They'll downplay emotional needs, avoid
2:59
conflict or deep conversations or the
3:01
hard conversations. And they often feel
3:04
overwhelmed by others emotional
3:06
expressions. These are the people that,
3:08
you know, we'll say they're too much or
3:10
they're too messy. So let's talk about
3:12
how avoidant attachment shapes
3:14
relationships. Uh it's it's really not
3:17
about being cold or uncaring, although
3:19
it's often mispersceived in that way or
3:21
characterized in that way. It's about
3:23
protection. So when emotional closeness
3:25
feels unsafe or unfamiliar, distance
3:28
becomes a coping strategy. It's how I
3:30
regulate my my internal world is by
3:33
disconnecting from that potential
3:35
connection. And traits that you will see
3:37
in someone with avoidant attachment will
3:40
look like a a really high value on
3:42
independence and self-sufficiency or
3:45
autonomy. They aren't going to lean on
3:46
you and they're not going to ask you for
3:48
help. And these are the people that say,
3:49
"I got it." There's a lot of discomfort
3:51
with emotional intimacy. They'll push
3:53
away, maybe avoid eye contact,
3:56
potentially difficult time expressing
3:58
feelings, certainly with asking for
4:01
support or help. There's oftentimes a
4:03
tendency to shut down or withdraw during
4:05
conflict. So they can't remain engaged
4:07
to work through to the other side as
4:09
easily. And they're often preferential
4:12
over logic over emotion in
4:14
communication. So these are your
4:16
gatekeepers, scorekeepers, fact
4:18
checkers. They get really locked on to
4:21
black and white thinking because the
4:23
logic really weighs out for them over
4:25
the emotional communication rather than
4:27
what's underneath the message. They're
4:29
listening for the specifics. And if you
4:31
go wrong with the specifics and someone
4:33
with an avoidant attachment style will
4:34
forget it. It's it's really tricky to
4:36
get back in because they'll get locked
4:38
on. And how this shows up in
4:39
relationships is someone who really
4:42
engages in that pushpull cycle. You
4:44
know, the avoidantly attached person
4:46
will pull away while their partner
4:48
pursues the closeness which creates a
4:50
lot of tension and distress in the
4:52
partner. Now remember what I said about
4:54
discomfort in others emotions. Well, you
4:57
pull away and my partner feels anxious
5:00
about it and then they become
5:01
disregulated which pushes the person
5:03
with avoidant attachment away even
5:05
further. So, this is a hard cycle to be
5:08
in with somebody. And there's emotional
5:10
suppression with somebody with emotional
5:12
or with avoidant attachment where
5:14
feelings are buried rather than
5:15
processed. They're kind of a go along
5:17
get alalong. I'm I'll deal with that
5:18
later. I've got to stay focused which
5:21
leads to a lot of emotional numbness or
5:23
detachment. They'll often have a
5:25
dismissive reaction to something. So,
5:27
there's like an emotional need might be
5:29
minimized or dismissed, which is kind of
5:33
unintentionally hurting partners who
5:35
really crave that connection or need
5:36
that time and safety or connection. So,
5:39
there's a paradox with this one, too.
5:41
Avoidantly attached people often long
5:44
for connection. They want it so bad, but
5:46
the fear is greater that drives the
5:49
behavior. And so even though they want
5:51
to be in relationship and connection,
5:52
they end up pushing away because of the
5:55
fear over overwhelming them. And so
5:57
healing involves learning that closeness
5:59
doesn't have to mean losing autonomy.
6:01
And it doesn't have to mean losing
6:03
doesn't have to mean that it's
6:05
automatically going to be the other shoe
6:07
dropping and losing it eventually. So
6:10
how is a person parented who likely has
6:12
avoidant attachment? Let's look at again
6:15
those early years. It's all about the
6:18
early childhood environment that leads
6:20
to our attachment style. This is what
6:22
predicates our safety and connection and
6:24
relationships and and sense of self in
6:26
the world. So, children who develop this
6:29
style often had caregivers who were
6:31
emotionally distant. Uh they might have
6:34
been overly focused on achievement or
6:36
uncomfortable themselves with
6:38
vulnerability. And so emotional needs
6:40
might have been ignored or mocked even
6:43
worse or met with discomfort or
6:45
criticism or ridicule. These are the
6:48
things that says, you know, crying for
6:50
babies or or my favorite crying for
6:52
girls, you know, in young men, which is
6:54
such a such a disservice to raise a boy
6:57
that way. And so it's just really hard
6:59
because we're all wired for the same
7:01
emotions. We're not we're not different
7:03
whether we are a female, male, or
7:05
identify in any other way. So common
7:08
patterns that are seen in childhood
7:10
would be like an emotional unavailable
7:13
caregiver. They might be physically
7:15
there but emotionally absent or
7:17
potentially disconnected, not attuned,
7:20
not tender and sweet. And so, you know,
7:22
I've had clients where they're like, "My
7:24
childhood was great and everything was
7:26
good and my parents loved me and you
7:29
know, we went to church every Sunday and
7:30
there was dinner on the table at 6 and
7:32
then I asked simple questions like, how
7:34
did you know you were loved?" and they'd
7:36
be like, "Well, I mean, they they were
7:39
there. They went to my sports like, but
7:42
when you were hurt or upset, what did
7:44
they do?" Well, we didn't really do that
7:46
at my house. So, this is kind of a an
7:49
interesting uh thing that happens in
7:51
someone who has more of an avoidant
7:53
attachment style. And they might have
7:55
been met with things when they were in
7:56
distress like you're fine or don't be so
7:58
dramatic or you're you're okay. And so
8:01
this is one of the things that a child
8:03
would would possibly have seen if they
8:05
end up with avoidant attachment. The
8:07
other thing that happens is like a very
8:09
high expectation for independence. So
8:12
children were expected to tough it out
8:13
or solve their own problems or really
8:15
celebrated when they did it all by
8:17
themselves and there would be like a low
8:19
tolerance for emotional expression by
8:21
the caregivers uh as well. So
8:24
vulnerability might have been seen as a
8:25
weakness which really shows up for a
8:28
child in negative ways because they have
8:31
to learn to suppress their emotions
8:34
because they don't want to be rejected
8:36
and they don't want the discomfort of
8:37
that rejection. So they suppress
8:39
everything that they need and feel and
8:41
they're taught to believe that those
8:42
needs and feelings don't matter because
8:44
they don't want to be in disconnection
8:46
with their caregiver and be rejected for
8:49
it. And so they end up learning, you
8:52
know, I've got to rely on myself and
8:54
they develop strategies like they go to
8:56
their room all the time when they're
8:58
upset and they bury their face in a
9:00
pillow and they don't go lean to someone
9:02
for help or love or connection when
9:04
they're upset and they often as a result
9:06
of that strategy of protection become
9:09
highly independent but very emotionally
9:12
disconnected. So these are high dealers,
9:14
low feelers is what we call them. It's
9:16
like they they can handle and do a lot
9:18
when it comes to distress, but they
9:20
don't have a very good pulse on the
9:21
emotional life. And so, let me give you
9:23
some examples of what this might look
9:25
like. Let's say a child had a really
9:28
hard day at school or was, you know,
9:30
bullied or something happened and and
9:32
comes home to cry about whatever they
9:34
went through. They might be met with a
9:35
parent who says things like, "Stop
9:37
crying. You're being silly." And this
9:39
child then learns that emotional
9:41
expression leads to dismissal. And so
9:44
then what are we doing? We're waiting
9:45
for that to happen again in our adult
9:47
relationships because over time we stop
9:50
sharing our feelings and we build walls
9:52
to protect ourselves. And that strategy
9:54
done over and over and over again
9:57
creates this avoidant attachment where
10:00
my needs, my feelings don't matter, so
10:02
really don't have them. And so we want
10:05
to really look at these early messages
10:08
that we were shown as children and
10:10
reprocess these memories with with some
10:12
EMDR therapy. Um, and this will help
10:15
build new pathways for emotional safety
10:17
and connection because it can change.
10:19
Attachment styles aren't fixed like I've
10:21
mentioned in other episodes. So, let's
10:23
talk about what this looks like in adult
10:25
relationships. So, for me personally,
10:27
because I was raised and had more of an
10:30
anxious attachment, avoidant attachment
10:32
triggers my stuff more than other things
10:34
because I feel insecure when people are
10:37
in disconnection with me. I don't do
10:39
well without closure or knowing what's
10:40
going on. It it rattles my nervous
10:42
system. So avoid and attachment shows up
10:45
in subtle but very powerful ways in
10:47
adult relationships. It's like an a
10:49
potentially emotional distancing where
10:52
there's an avoidance of of deep
10:54
conversations. These are people that are
10:55
like working to keep it very surface.
10:57
They don't want to go more deeply about
11:00
their emotional experience. Maybe they
11:02
change the subject quickly when emotion
11:04
comes up in them or when others start
11:07
showing emotion. They'll kind of switch
11:09
the topic. They'll have a lot of
11:11
self-reliance even to a fault. Uh kind
11:13
of refusing help or support. These are
11:15
the people like I got it. I'm good. And
11:17
and really they could use a lot of
11:19
support. They have a deep fear of
11:21
depending on others. Uh they'll feel
11:24
trapped or smothered when someone gets
11:25
too close and they don't want to lean on
11:28
others for help. And oftentimes this is
11:30
because they've been very let down in
11:32
their own experience. And so they don't
11:34
want that to happen again. So they
11:36
really armor up and learn not to need
11:38
other people. And then they'll show like
11:41
a very low emotional self-expression. So
11:44
maybe they struggle to say I love you or
11:46
express vulnerability or these are those
11:49
people that hug like they don't hug
11:51
warm. They don't hug like with an
11:52
embrace. They hug like a you know like
11:54
it was a robot. And so this is a more
11:57
avoid and attachment strategy. Uh they
12:00
oftentimes have pretty severe conflict
12:02
avoid avoidance and they'll shut down or
12:05
walk away during a disagreement. These
12:07
are the people that will say like, "I'm
12:09
not dealing with this or I'm not having
12:10
this conversation right now." And they
12:12
just straight avoid it. So, what might
12:14
this look like in an adult situation?
12:16
So, let's imagine like, uh, someone with
12:20
a partner who's expressing their
12:21
feelings of hurt or dissatisfaction or
12:24
betrayal. Avoid an attached person may
12:27
feel overwhelmed by that and they might
12:29
shut down or they might just respond
12:31
with logic or a solution instead of
12:34
empathy. Uh maybe they even say
12:36
something like you're overreacting or
12:37
can't we just move on or are we going to
12:39
do this all day? So it's very dismissive
12:41
of someone's emotional experience and
12:43
that can be really painful for securely
12:46
attached or anxiously attached people
12:48
because really we're all hardwired to
12:50
want to be in connection especially with
12:51
those that we love. So let me give you
12:54
another example. This might be someone
12:56
where during a moment of connection or
12:58
closeness like cuddling or sharing
13:00
emotions, uh, the avoidantly attached
13:03
person might suddenly feel uncomfortable
13:05
and like pull away. And maybe they like
13:07
quickly pull up a distraction like
13:09
showing you something on their phone or
13:12
changing the subject really quickly and
13:14
it can feel to someone who is trying to
13:16
be connected and close like kind of
13:18
awkward, but they're just really deeply
13:21
uncomfortable with physical or emotional
13:23
connection. And so if you recognize
13:25
these patterns, know that those aren't
13:27
personal. They're not trying to be
13:29
hurtful. They're protective strategies.
13:31
They're not flaws and they can be
13:33
softened with awareness and with support
13:35
and with some time. And so um so don't
13:38
lose hope if this is an attachment
13:40
strategy that you identify with.
13:42
recognize that, you know, you're
13:44
watching this show, you're learning
13:45
about it, and the first step in learning
13:47
and changing something is really just
13:49
awareness that it's even a character or
13:52
not a character trait, but a a trait
13:53
that you can identify with. So, how do
13:55
we heal? How do we move towards secure
13:57
attachment? Um, because avoidant
13:59
attachment really can shift and it just
14:01
like I said, it begins with
14:03
understanding that uh that vulnerability
14:05
isn't a weakness. It's it's connection.
14:08
And it takes a lot more bravery and
14:09
strength to be in vulnerability than it
14:12
takes to be in disconnection. And we got
14:15
to start by naming stuff. Name to tame.
14:17
So we want to name the discomfort. We
14:19
want to notice when closeness feels
14:21
overwhelming and really slow down and
14:24
explore why. What is coming up in me
14:26
closeness is really making me internally
14:29
disregulated. And then we want to
14:31
practice emotional expression. Starting
14:33
small like share a feeling or ask for a
14:36
little bit of support. and then you know
14:38
express some appreciation when you get
14:40
it. Ultimately we have to challenge old
14:43
beliefs. Um I don't need anyone can
14:46
become it's okay to lean on others.
14:49
It's okay to learn to trust. It's okay
14:51
to try this on because building trust
14:54
takes time. We want to let safe
14:56
relationships show you that emotional
14:59
intimacy can be safe if you work toward
15:01
it. Uh and and I always say, you know,
15:04
getting some therapy and deep reflection
15:06
is going to be the fastest way toward a
15:08
shift in your in your attachment style.
15:10
Working with a therapist helps you
15:12
unpack the early messages and build new
15:14
relational skills and new neuropathways
15:17
within the therapeutic relationship your
15:19
you know itself. And as you're doing
15:21
some of this exploration, you want to
15:23
ask yourself, you know, what
15:24
relationships do feel safe? What what
15:27
people have earned some trust for me to
15:29
practice this with? What can con
15:31
connection look like? Do you know anyone
15:32
who models that? And can you watch them
15:34
and kind of see, can I practice that
15:36
until it feels authentic for me? Because
15:38
building emotional fluency is part of
15:41
that reclaiming of your adaptability and
15:43
and earning your way toward secure
15:45
attachment, which really is the goal to
15:48
healthy, safe relationships is is
15:50
developing a a secure attachment style.
15:53
So, if you have an avoidant attachment
15:55
style, you can learn. It can make you
15:58
feel like your emotions are dangerous,
16:00
but they're just signals and we just
16:01
want to get curious and lean in. Um,
16:04
celebrate those emotional wins. Every
16:06
time you share a feeling or stay present
16:09
during a feeling or stay present during
16:11
a conflict, that's a sign of growth. Uh,
16:14
and in order to reconnect with joy, you
16:16
want to find moments of connection that
16:18
do feel safe and do feel meaningful. And
16:20
take some time to celebrate those. It's
16:23
important to unshame yourself, though.
16:24
So, I want you to be thinking, I'm not
16:26
too distant. I'm protecting something
16:28
tender. It means learning to stay
16:31
present with that discomfort and
16:33
learning to trust that connection
16:35
doesn't have to cost your independence.
16:37
It doesn't have to be painful. Now, when
16:39
we're in loving relationships, we will
16:42
have pain. There's no way around that.
16:44
However, those repairative moments are
16:45
the most beautiful opportunity to say,
16:47
"Hey, it doesn't have to be the same as
16:49
it was in my childhood. I can learn
16:52
something different." Because avoidant
16:54
attachment is rooted in emotional
16:56
distancing and you had to learn it if
16:58
this is how you identify or you love
16:59
someone that does this also. And it
17:02
shows up as discomfort with the
17:03
closeness and emotional suppression and
17:06
oftentimes that hyperindependence that I
17:08
discussed. And remember, it's it's not
17:10
too late. It's never too late to learn
17:12
how to heal through vulnerability and
17:15
trust and really intentional connection.
17:18
You're not broken if this is something
17:19
that you deal with. you're protecting
17:21
that something important and you can
17:23
always learn new ways to connect.
17:27
So, what does emotional safety look like
17:29
for you? What small steps can you take
17:32
toward connection just today?
17:35
Think about that. Drop something in the
17:37
comments if this resonated. And please
17:39
subscribe and leave a review and let
17:42
someone you know who might be struggling
17:43
with this hear this. Share it with them.
17:46
The first step in healing is really
17:48
understanding something. And so this is
17:49
a a gift to somebody if if they need to
17:52
hear this so they can better understand
17:53
themselves.
17:55
So thanks for tuning in. I appreciate
17:57
your time. Hopefully this was helpful
17:58
for you. And until we meet again, don't
18:01
forget to lead with love. It'll never
18:03
steer you wrong.
18:05
[Music]
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