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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, we explore why emotional distance happens, how resentment and unmet needs quietly build over time, and what it truly takes to reconnect in a meaningful way, breaking down the patterns that create disconnection and sharing practical, research-informed steps couples can use to restore emotional safety, intimacy, and partnership especially if you’ve started to feel more like roommates than partners.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
there. Thank you so much for tuning in
0:14
today. My name is Kelly O'Horo. I'm your
0:16
host of Adaptable Behavior Explained.
0:18
And today we're going to talk about a
0:20
topic that so many couples quietly
0:23
struggle with. And it is one of the
0:25
presenting issues that most people on
0:28
our couch talk about as a therapist. And
0:30
most people don't say it out loud. But
0:33
this is the feeling of drifting apart in
0:35
our marriage. And this doesn't have to
0:37
necessarily be in midlife, although
0:39
that's a more common time for it to
0:41
happen. Maybe you're noticing growing
0:43
distance. Maybe life feels like
0:46
logistics and roommates and organizer of
0:49
a business instead of a partnership. Or
0:51
maybe you feel like a roommate, not a
0:53
teammate. Maybe you're grieving
0:55
closeness or you remember and reminisce
0:57
about things that you used to have and
0:59
don't know how to get it back. But
1:00
relationships are meant to evolve. And
1:02
the way we connect has to evolve, too.
1:04
And something that has evolution can
1:06
feel uncomfortable or confusing or
1:09
painful. And I often tell people as we
1:11
change like when we get married, we're
1:14
not meant to be stagnant and remain the
1:16
same. We are meant to grow old together.
1:18
And so that requires evolution. And so
1:21
today we're going to talk about why
1:23
intimacy often fades in midlife. How
1:25
hormones and stress, pmenopause, and
1:28
burnout change our emotional
1:29
availability. And how old shame and
1:32
cultural messages can shape our comfort
1:35
with closeness. We're going to talk
1:36
about how to re-educate ourselves when
1:38
our bodies change and our lives change
1:41
and how we can rebuild emotional
1:42
intimacy and safety and how couples can
1:45
gently reconnect without pressure or
1:48
blame. And so hopefully you're in the
1:50
right place. So let's take a breath
1:52
because you're not alone and hopefully
1:54
you're going to leave this episode
1:56
feeling rejuvenated and hopeful about
1:59
what your life can change or how your
2:01
marriage can change back into more of a
2:04
connected way. So intimacy rarely fades
2:07
because people stop caring about each
2:09
other. It usually fades because our life
2:11
gets too heavy. Our midlife brings a
2:13
cluster of changes that layer one on top
2:16
of the other. You know, starting with
2:18
pmenopause and hormonal shifts in both
2:21
men and women. We end up with mood
2:23
swings. We've got exhaustion, disrupted
2:25
sleep, irritability, and this makes it
2:28
harder to remain open and connected with
2:30
our partners. We also oftentimes deal
2:33
with like stress and mental load of our
2:35
jobs and our families. We've got kids.
2:38
We they're sometimes teenagers. We've
2:41
got aging parents that require more
2:43
demand of us. Demanding careers.
2:46
Oftentimes in midlife, we're kind of at
2:47
the prime of our career. And this is
2:49
when personal lives become so stressful
2:52
as well, depending on the ages of our
2:54
kids if we have them. So when our
2:56
nervous systems in that survival mode,
2:58
connection becomes secondary. It's not
3:00
what we focus on. And that's really why
3:03
oftentimes in midlife we experience
3:05
this. We run into identity shifts
3:07
oftentimes at this point as well. You
3:09
know, things like becoming an empty
3:11
neester or maybe we end up in a career
3:13
transition because we've been promoted
3:16
or we're in a position of more
3:18
leadership and management at this point
3:20
in our life. All coupled with our body
3:22
changing and how things aren't as easy
3:25
physically as they used to be. This
3:27
grief all can erode our internal
3:29
stability. And I think we don't dis
3:32
disconnect from one another quickly. It
3:35
takes time. These attachment ruptures
3:37
happen slowly over time. And these small
3:40
disconnections add up. These look like
3:43
misbids for attention. You know, this is
3:45
you put your hand on your partner's back
3:47
and they don't really notice or return
3:49
the touch because they're distracted or
3:51
they're disconnected from their own
3:53
world. This is maybe unresolved
3:55
conflict. You know, all couples go
3:57
through a negative interaction cycle
3:58
where we have conflict. Constructive
4:00
tension and conflict are part of every
4:02
relationship. And some couples, they
4:05
don't necessarily resolve. They just go
4:08
along and get along. They separate and
4:10
they disconnect from the conflict and
4:12
then they come back as if nothing ever
4:14
happened. And this pattern over time,
4:17
this rupture will create disconnection.
4:19
So we have to circle back when we have
4:21
conflict and revisit the thing that we
4:24
had conflict about. Otherwise it turns
4:26
into resentment and old resentments will
4:28
breed disconnection. And so busy seasons
4:33
of life that never seem to end and it's
4:35
always the next thing we have to plow
4:37
through can be part of this rupture or
4:40
disconnection that happens over time. So
4:43
like let me give you an example that
4:44
might resonate for you. I'm thinking
4:47
about a couple that once talked like
4:49
every night and now they just coordinate
4:52
schedule. So it used to look like what
4:54
did your day look like and tell me about
4:56
your good and your hard things and then
4:58
they stop doing that. Or maybe you have
5:00
a partner that once reached for
5:02
affection and now they're just too tired
5:05
to initiate closeness and you perceive
5:08
that as rejection and so then you feel
5:10
alone and then you don't reach out to
5:12
try to get that ball rolling again. Or
5:15
maybe someone who once felt confident
5:17
now withdraws because their body has
5:19
changed and they don't feel sexy or
5:21
attractive anymore and so they stay
5:23
small or they stay covered all the time.
5:26
And that pull away can feel like
5:27
rejection. Intimacy doesn't fade because
5:30
you stopped loving each other. It often
5:32
times fades because you stopped having
5:34
space to see each other as you are. And
5:37
so, like I said, if you're in midlife
5:40
and this is happening to your
5:41
relationship, it's not too late to
5:43
learn. So, this is like an opportunity
5:45
for re-education. Who are we now? One of
5:48
the things that happens in midlife is
5:51
that we think we are supposed to
5:52
function at 40, 45, and 50 the same way
5:56
that we did when we were in our 20s. But
5:58
our bodies and our needs and our
6:00
emotional capacities evolve and they
6:02
change. And so we need to relearn like
6:06
how chronic stress affects our ability
6:08
to connect and our willingness to reach
6:10
out and how your body signals overwhelm
6:13
and how that capacity can become less.
6:16
So how our hormones shift our mood and
6:19
our energy levels and what actually
6:22
feels grounding and supportive and
6:24
connecting today not 10 or 15 years ago.
6:27
And we need to understand what that
6:29
looks like. So for example, someone
6:32
might like formerly have decompressed
6:34
through conversation. Now maybe they
6:37
need quiet first before they reach for
6:39
connection. Or maybe a partner once
6:41
craved physical closeness. Now they need
6:43
emotional repair before they can open
6:45
up. And I really believe that our love
6:47
languages change over time. So, if
6:49
you're a fan of the love language work,
6:51
I suggest checking out taking the quiz
6:54
again as you age because what you like
6:56
and what you need for connection and
6:58
vulnerability and intimacy often changes
7:00
as we mature. Another example might be
7:03
that a partner becomes more sensitive
7:06
and then the other may be more avoidant
7:08
and not because of rejection but because
7:10
their systems are adapting to that
7:12
perception of rejection. And so we have
7:14
to talk about, you know, my face and my
7:16
huffs and my puffs right now don't mean
7:18
I don't want to be with you. It means
7:20
that I feel already overwhelmed about
7:22
the list of things I have to do
7:23
tomorrow. And we need to talk to our
7:25
partners and and invite them to tell us
7:28
what's going on in their world. I like
7:31
the the term intimacy into me. You see,
7:35
that cultivates understanding about who
7:38
we are now, not who we were before. And
7:41
it lets our partner understand the
7:43
differences and you know it's happening
7:46
to them as well. We are going through
7:47
these changes together. And so now we've
7:50
got to talk about shame and upbringings
7:52
and how sometimes religious culture or
7:55
family culture, how it shapes the way we
7:57
view closeness and how our family of
8:00
origin affects how we view what it
8:03
should look like. I'm sure you've heard
8:04
about people who end up sleeping in
8:06
separate rooms as they age and that that
8:09
their parents or their grandparents
8:10
don't sleep together and that forms what
8:12
we think is normal or what we think is
8:14
healthy. So many adults carry these old
8:17
scripts often from our childhood or our
8:20
early culture or religious upbringing
8:23
and our environments and those things
8:25
shape how we relate to our bodies, our
8:27
emotions and our partners. So, if you
8:30
grew up with messages like your body is
8:32
shameful or keep it covered or things
8:36
like that, you're going to have those
8:37
messages in adulthood or your feelings
8:39
are too much or I'll give you something
8:40
to cry about. Those messages teach us we
8:43
need to keep our emotional world in
8:45
because we're going to burden the the
8:47
grown-ups around us or your needs are
8:49
selfish. You always need to put other
8:51
people first. Then we don't understand
8:53
that we have to look at what we need in
8:55
order to express what we need so that we
8:57
can cultivate connection. Or sometimes
9:00
we were given messages that intimacy is
9:02
dangerous or inappropriate or that men
9:04
or women are bad or gross or disgusting
9:07
because of how we were programmed. Or or
9:10
maybe good people don't express desire
9:12
because that's dirty or naughty. And so
9:15
all of these things impact our
9:19
perception of closeness and it can feel
9:21
really confusing in adulthood. And so
9:24
again, this can create adults who feel
9:26
disconnected from themselves or their
9:28
bodies, their needs and make them
9:30
struggle to express their emotional
9:32
needs or their physical needs. Perhaps
9:34
they fear vulnerability or feel
9:36
embarrassed wanting connection and not
9:38
knowing how to ask for it. or it shapes
9:41
their beliefs that they should be strong
9:43
or self-controlled or unbothered by the
9:46
things that bother them. And we're often
9:48
trying to build healthy intimacy inside
9:51
of systems that trained us to disconnect
9:54
from ourselves and from others. And so
9:56
unlearning takes time. Please have grace
9:58
and patience with yourself. Unlearning
10:00
the beliefs that affection must be
10:02
earned. Unlearning the idea that needing
10:05
closeness is weakness. These are all bad
10:08
scripts. these are tapes that are not
10:10
accurate. Unlearning that the body um
10:12
should be shamed or hidden. That's a
10:14
that's not helpful. Or unlearning the
10:16
myth that intimacy comes naturally and
10:18
that it doesn't take effort and work
10:20
because you can't build closeness on top
10:23
of shame. But you can absolutely heal
10:25
the shame and make room for closeness
10:28
and intimacy and connection. But it
10:31
takes work and emotional intimacy
10:34
requires vulnerability. And typically,
10:37
especially in midlife, emotional
10:39
intimacy has to come before physical
10:42
intimacy. And so connection grows from
10:45
like emotional safety. Without it, every
10:48
kind of closeness becomes a lot harder.
10:51
And in midlife, we've developed more
10:53
capacity that I can handle things on my
10:55
own and I don't need my partner quite so
10:57
much if we've had a long stint of
11:00
disconnection. And so, we need
11:02
reassurance that we need each other and
11:04
that we want each other. We need to
11:06
really actively work on repair when
11:08
there's disconnection or conflict. We
11:11
need to actively show appreciation, not
11:13
just for the big sweeping things that
11:15
our partners do for us, but for the
11:17
little moments. My husband makes me
11:19
coffee most mornings. And it's so much
11:22
appreciation. And we have a little rule
11:23
that he can't drop it off to me while
11:25
I'm getting ready unless we kiss and I
11:27
give him a hug and thank him for it. And
11:29
so these little moments really do add
11:31
up. Having consistency and stability in
11:34
the relationship is so important. Having
11:36
a tuned communication, you know, put
11:38
your phone down, give your partner eye
11:40
contact, give them touch while they're
11:42
talking with you. It's very important to
11:44
say, "I see you. I hear you." And most
11:47
importantly, that you matter to me more
11:49
than whatever I'm distracted with. And
11:51
that message sends a lot of safety to
11:54
the relationship. Emotional safety again
11:57
needs to happen before physical safety.
11:59
And then we got to be patient with each
12:01
other. We're all managing so much
12:03
stress, overwhelm, and demands. Our
12:07
lives are demanding so much of us. And
12:09
so we need to have softness and slow
12:12
down. So let's talk about how this
12:14
change sometimes and how this can build
12:17
up and be hard in a relationship. Let's
12:19
say you're a partner who's spent years
12:21
caregiving and then over time you just
12:24
start to feel invisible and you start to
12:26
withdraw because you're just tired and
12:29
you don't feel seen. Or maybe you're
12:31
someone who expresses frustration
12:33
instead of hurt. So you get angry or
12:36
irritable instead of saying I feel
12:38
lonely or unseen or like I don't matter
12:40
which leads the other person to retreat.
12:43
Again, if you show up with frustration
12:44
or anger that's too high, our listener
12:47
doesn't we don't have an audience. And
12:48
so then they'll withdraw and you're not
12:50
going to get your needs met. Small
12:52
dismissals are not nothing. They're
12:53
really important. The eye roll, the
12:56
shutdown, the huffs and puffs that you
12:59
might do under your breath, the argument
13:01
never revisited after conflict, these
13:04
all stack into like protective walls.
13:06
And then we have to really take time to
13:09
remove those bricks one by one. And that
13:11
takes a lot of effort. Before rebuilding
13:14
closeness, couples usually need to
13:15
rebuild trust in each other's
13:17
responsiveness. Like, I see you. I want
13:20
to notice you. And I want to invest in
13:22
our connection. Because our bodies won't
13:25
open up when our heart doesn't feel safe
13:28
or seen or trust that it's okay to be
13:31
vulnerable. So again, these are the
13:32
problems, but we've got to talk about
13:34
practical ways that we can rebuild
13:36
connection if this is happening in your
13:38
relationship. And again, it doesn't have
13:39
to only be midlife. This can happen in
13:42
other phases of life. And I would say
13:44
that really with most issues, the first
13:47
step is to slow down. And in
13:49
relationship, we want to slow down
13:51
together. Not for tasks, but for
13:54
presence. Share a walk, share a cup of
13:56
tea or a cup of coffee, a glass of wine,
13:59
a few minutes without screens. This has
14:01
been such a demise of relationships.
14:04
Screens are constant. Look around at a
14:06
restaurant sometime. Look at people on
14:08
dates, both people on their phones. Set
14:11
some rules for your relationship and
14:14
time in connection that is devoid of
14:16
screen time. Use curiosity instead of
14:18
assumptions. You know, I one of my
14:20
favorite things is I say to my husband,
14:22
you know, I make up that when you do
14:24
this, this is happening. So, you want to
14:26
ask, what do you need more of? What do
14:28
you need more of lately? Something that
14:30
my husband and I do every evening is we
14:32
say, what does your night need to look
14:33
like because of whatever you went
14:35
through today? And then it requires us
14:37
to slow down enough to think about, you
14:39
know, I need alone time or I need some
14:42
quiet time or I need to organize my
14:44
closet because I just need to have a an
14:46
illusion of some control somewhere
14:47
because today was chaos. And I think
14:50
it's important that you check in. What's
14:52
been weighing on you? What was hard
14:53
about today? What was good about today?
14:55
Or maybe how can I support you this week
14:58
when you look at your calendar ahead?
14:59
What would that look like? And really,
15:01
it's important to know what are your
15:03
needs now that might not be the same as
15:05
they used to be because that curiosity,
15:08
it opens the door and assumptions close
15:10
the door. And so, we want to really not
15:12
be stuck with assumptions. Something
15:14
that's really critical to master couples
15:16
or bringing yourself back into
15:18
connection is to repair the little
15:20
hurts. It's saying things like, "I'm
15:23
sorry," or, "I didn't realize that that
15:25
impacted you. Can you tell me more about
15:27
what that was like? sorry I missed you
15:29
there in that moment because repair
15:31
builds trust and when we have trust
15:33
rebuilt we end up with more emotional
15:36
safety which cultivates connection. We
15:38
also really want to validate stress
15:40
because a lot of times no one around us
15:43
in our day is midlife is really heavy.
15:46
So, you want to say things like, "I know
15:48
it's a lot and I see how hard you're
15:50
trying and I know it's overwhelming and
15:52
I and sometimes I just don't know how
15:54
you do it all because feeling seen is
15:56
deeply connecting." Really, that's what
15:58
all of us want no matter what phase of
16:00
life we're in is to feel seen and
16:02
understood. But as far as another thing
16:04
that can help rebuilding connection is
16:06
rebuilding micro moments of presence.
16:09
So, these are those small physical
16:11
touches. A gentle hand on the shoulder,
16:14
on the back, just a soft glance and a
16:16
grin. Shared laughter, thank yous more
16:20
often than not, and appreciation.
16:22
Because closeness will grow in these
16:24
micro moments. Connection isn't rebuilt
16:27
through grand gestures. It's small
16:29
moments. It's rebuilt through
16:30
consistent, gentle presence, little
16:33
moments that say, "I see you. You matter
16:35
to me. You're important to me." and and
16:38
that's more important than anything that
16:40
I'm currently dealing with or doing.
16:42
Disconnection in midlife doesn't mean
16:44
that you're failing. It's just a sign
16:46
that says knock knock. We need to pay
16:48
attention. We need to check in with
16:50
what's going on. We need to update how
16:52
we're showing up for each other with
16:54
love. Now, as our relationship has
16:56
evolved because our bodies change, our
16:59
lives change, and therefore our
17:01
relationships change. But our connection
17:03
can absolutely be rebuilt through
17:05
presence, through communication, and
17:07
through most often compassion. So if you
17:11
are feeling distant from your partner,
17:12
you're not alone. Nothing's wrong with
17:14
you. We just have to relearn how to show
17:17
up in connection in a new way. So, if
17:20
this episode resonates with you, please
17:23
share it with a friend, subscribe, give
17:25
us a like if you found it helpful, or
17:28
toss in some comments that are relevant,
17:30
and let's help our community weather
17:32
this storm together, cuz like I said,
17:35
everything is rebuilt in connection. And
17:38
you have a community here, too. So,
17:40
thank you so much for tuning in. And
17:42
until we meet again, don't forget to
17:44
lead with love. It'll never steer you
17:46
wrong.