0:00
And so what we want to look at is that
0:02
connection should happen before
0:05
correction. Another really awesome
0:08
figure in the public space about
0:09
parenting is Dr. Becky Kennedy and she's
0:12
the author of Good Inside and I just
0:14
love really everything she has to say
0:16
with parenting. So she's an excellent
0:17
resource. I highly encourage you
0:19
checking her out. But she says it best
0:21
when she says kids are good inside. Even
0:24
when their behavior looks messy, their
0:26
core is good. Kids are not born bad. So
0:29
our job is really to lead with
0:31
connection and not our attempt to
0:33
control. I know that that's hard because
0:36
our adaptations oftentimes when we are
0:39
in a in a moment of powerlessness is to
0:42
power over or to gain control. I know I
0:44
am so guilty of it. Just last night my
0:47
grandson was like yelling about
0:50
something and he was getting so upset
0:52
and overwhelmed and his little nervous
0:54
system didn't need me to yell back which
0:57
I failed at. I did. I I was like, "We
0:59
need to lower our voice and the message
1:01
I'm sending is with all this this heat
1:04
and this yelling is like what you're
1:06
doing is making me yell and now you're
1:08
going to yell more and it's just the bad
1:10
message." So, what I needed to do was
1:12
slow down and drop in and look at him
1:14
and go, "Hey, talk to me about what you
1:16
need. I can hear that it's important to
1:18
you. Your voice is raised. You're being
1:20
really loud and we need to bring it down
1:22
so that I can hear you." And so, we need
1:24
to ask, what is it that the child needs
1:26
right now? So when our kids scream
1:29
something like, "I hate you." Instead of
1:32
yelling at them and saying, "Don't talk
1:33
to me like that," try to say, "I hear
1:35
you're really mad. I know you're upset
1:37
right now, and it's okay to feel mad,
1:40
and it's okay to be hurt, but it's not
1:43
okay to hurt when you're hurting." And
1:45
what you're doing then is you're
1:47
validating the feeling of their
1:48
experience, but holding the boundary of
1:51
what's acceptable and not acceptable
1:53
behavior. So, let me give you some
1:55
practical things to say that are based
1:57
on brainbased tools. Like I said
2:00
earlier, Dan Seagull is so great with
2:02
helping us normalize the behavior of of
2:05
our systems and the emotional uh
2:08
propensities that lead our behavior. And
2:10
so, one of the little uh things that Dan
2:13
Seagull says is you've got to name it to
2:15
tame it, which I love. And that's when
2:17
we name a feeling, we help to integrate
2:20
the brain and ultimately calm the storm.
2:23
So things that you can try saying,"I
2:25
hear that you're feeling so frustrated
2:27
and that really makes sense to me right
2:29
now." That's validating. That's saying,
2:31
"I get what you're feeling and I'm right
2:33
here with you." Another thing you might
2:36
say is, "You're safe right now, and I'm
2:37
right here. You're not alone." Another
2:39
thing you could say is, "It's okay to
2:41
feel mad. It's just not okay to hit.
2:43
We've got to do something better with
2:45
that mad." So let's say you've got a
2:48
preschooler and they're melting down
2:50
because you cut their sandwich the wrong
2:51
way. and and you know they wanted uh
2:54
triangles instead of squares. And so
2:56
instead of fixing the sandwich and you
2:59
know frenetically trying to get them to
3:01
downregulate because you're upset with
3:03
their response and maybe you're even
3:05
making it about you that you cut it
3:06
wrong. Instead, slow yourself down and
3:09
say, "I get it. You wanted triangles.
3:12
That's so disappointing when we don't
3:13
have the sandwich cut the way we want
3:15
it." And that way this I get it
3:17
statement is a validating experience for
3:20
the child. And that in and of itself
3:23
really can help to calm the nervous
3:25
system. And honestly, when they're when
3:27
their lid is flipped and they're
3:28
stressed out, that you don't have an
3:30
audience anyway. You can't reason with
3:32
that. You can't be logical with someone
3:34
when when their brain is offline because
3:36
they're overwhelmed and they're
3:38
triggered. So we need to get their their
3:41
brain online again so that logic can be
