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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained. In this episode, we explore why intimacy fades due to stress, trauma, hormonal changes, and pressure, not a lack of love and how compassion and nervous system awareness can create space for reconnection without shame or force.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
there. Thank you so much for tuning in
0:14
today to Adaptable Behavior Explained.
0:16
I'm your host, Kelly O'Horo, and today
0:19
we're going to talk about something that
0:21
a lot of people are ashamed to bring up,
0:24
but this is the topic of sexless
0:26
marriage. This isn't how it starts
0:28
usually in our marriages, but it can
0:31
evolve into this. And so, we're going to
0:33
talk about understanding a sexless
0:36
marriage, unlearning the things that
0:38
turned our intimacy into that, and how
0:40
to reconnect. And so, I hope that you
0:44
find this interesting. I know that in my
0:46
demographic, this is a conversation that
0:48
happens more often than when I was
0:50
younger because as our bodies change and
0:53
our stress compounds and our lives just
0:55
get super busy, we tend to deprioritize
0:59
intimacy and it's so important that we
1:01
continue that in our relationships
1:03
because if we don't, other problems end
1:06
up happening. So, today we're going to
1:08
talk about this because many couples
1:10
experience it, but very few talk about
1:13
it out loud. And that is the concept of
1:16
a sexless marriage. This isn't about
1:18
blame. It's not about pressure. And it's
1:20
definitely not about like what's wrong
1:22
with you in your if you're in a
1:23
relationship like that. It's about
1:25
understanding what changes over time
1:27
biologically, emotionally, relationally,
1:30
and how education and curiosity and
1:33
ultimately compassion can shift the
1:35
trajectory that may feel lonely or
1:38
discouraging right now. So if this is
1:40
going on in your life, stay tuned here.
1:42
So, if sex has become rare, tense,
1:45
confusing, or maybe even non-existent in
1:48
your relationship, especially in
1:50
midlife, this episode is for you. And
1:52
you're definitely not alone. So, what do
1:56
we mean by the term sexless marriage?
1:58
Well, clinically, a sexless marriage is
2:01
defined as having sex fewer than 10
2:04
times a year. But numbers alone don't
2:06
tell the whole story. Some couples feel
2:09
deeply distressed with little sex.
2:11
Others feel content. The issue isn't
2:14
frequency. It's disconnection, mismatch,
2:17
or unspoken pain. Many couples don't
2:20
stop having sex because they don't care.
2:22
They stop because steps sex stopped
2:24
working the way that it used to because
2:27
bodies change, because the libido or the
2:30
desire changes because of hormone
2:32
changes or because sex became associated
2:35
with pressure or shame or failure. And
2:38
this can happen because of when people
2:40
are trying to have children and they
2:42
have infertility issues. This can happen
2:44
because of an injury or accidents or
2:47
illness. Lots of things can contribute
2:49
to this becoming part of the marriage.
2:52
And this is especially true for women in
2:54
midlife because there's such profound
2:56
shifts that require um re-education, not
2:59
resignation. And so I did do a podcast
3:02
on pmenopause and so we'll go ahead and
3:05
include that in the description below
3:07
because that can be a pretty big factor
3:09
for middle age uh change in sexual
3:12
frequency. So now we're going to just
3:15
retach you what you may not know. So
3:17
it's about learning about the body
3:19
changes because when the body changes
3:21
the map must change. And one of the most
3:24
overlooked reasons for sexless marriage
3:26
is this. That we expect our bodies to
3:29
respond the same way they did when we
3:31
were 25 using the same instructions. And
3:35
pmenopause, menopause, hormonal shifts
3:38
in both men and women. Medications,
3:41
stress, and our life load all change
3:43
throughout our lives. It affects
3:46
lubrication. It affects the arousal
3:48
timing. It affects sensitivity. What
3:51
felt good? what doesn't feel good. It
3:53
affects desire patterns and what feels
3:56
good and what doesn't changes. It
3:58
doesn't just change over the time of our
4:00
life. It changes through the cycle. And
4:02
a lot of people don't talk about that.
4:04
Uh and this isn't dysfunction, it's
4:06
biology. So re-educating means learning
4:09
a new language of arousal rather than
4:12
thinking that something's broken or that
4:13
it doesn't work. For many women, desire
4:16
becomes responsive, not spontaneous.
4:18
meaning desire follows safety,
4:21
connection, and stimulation, not the
4:25
other way around. When we were younger,
4:27
maybe we didn't need the emotional
4:29
closeness the way that we do as we age.
4:31
So, if you're waiting to want sex first,
4:33
you may wait forever. So, something to
4:36
think about is how women orgasm and the
4:39
data that we were never taught impacts
4:42
the way we see our relationships and
4:44
namely sex. So, we're going to talk
4:46
about some statistics because education
4:49
reduces shame. When we know more, we can
4:51
understand it with more compassion. So,
4:53
here's some numbers for you. Only about
4:55
65% of women consistently orgasm during
4:59
partnered sex compared to over 90% for
5:02
men. Most women require 20 to 40 minutes
5:06
of arousal to reach climax. And the
5:08
majority of women do not orgasm from
5:11
penetration alone. So, this isn't
5:13
personal failure. It's just an
5:15
anatomical reality. The clitoris has
5:18
over 8,000 nerve endings, most of which
5:20
are internal. Yet, many women and their
5:23
partners don't know this or were not
5:26
taught that or how it works. So, this is
5:29
where I like the book Becoming by Lori
5:32
Mintz. It's not graphic, it's
5:34
educational, it's empowering, and it's
5:37
really normalizing. I have a friend that
5:39
I was just talking to last week who
5:40
shared a lot of the things that she
5:42
learned from that book and I think it's
5:44
outstanding because understanding your
5:46
body is not indulgent. It's foundational
5:48
and depending on the culture uh
5:50
religious background or family grew up
5:53
in maybe none of this stuff was talked
5:55
about and uh learning your body was not
5:58
encouraged. So we really have to start
6:00
with learning um and language matters.
6:03
Knowing the body reduces shame. We can't
6:06
advocate for what we don't know. We
6:08
can't talk about what we need or want
6:10
when we aren't sure ourselves. Many
6:12
women were raised without accurate
6:14
terminology like vulva versus vagina or
6:18
clitoris or the clitoral hood or the
6:20
labia. Pelvic floor are words that we've
6:23
never heard about as we grow up for most
6:25
of us. And arousal versus desire. These
6:28
are different. So when the language is
6:30
missing, there can be shame that fills
6:32
in the gap. And so we've got to learn
6:34
the correct terms so that we have a
6:35
common language with our relationship.
6:38
It improves our communication with our
6:40
partners. It improves our medical care
6:42
when we talk about what we're
6:43
experiencing. And then ultimately it'll
6:45
improve our sexual satisfaction because
6:48
knowledge is not unsexy. Silence is
6:51
unsexy. And so we've got to be able to
6:53
talk about it. Now we're going to talk
6:54
about the cycle, the menstrual cycle in
6:56
women because this matters. And a lot of
6:59
people, namely men, do not understand
7:02
that women's sexual responsiveness
7:04
changes across the menstrual cycle,
7:07
across pmenopause, across stress levels,
7:10
and sleep quality impacts the way we
7:14
respond sexually. Uh emotional safety is
7:17
really critical to arousal. And so what
7:20
feels good one week in a cycle may feel
7:22
irritating or neutral the next.
7:24
Positions might need to be different.
7:27
touch might need to be harder or softer
7:29
or in different locations because during
7:31
our cycle our bodies literally change
7:34
and shift and so many of us don't know
7:36
that. Why did I like that last week and
7:38
this week I'm not into it. But I have to
7:40
say that and it can't be perceived as
7:42
rejection by our partners because it's
7:44
just the anatomy and it's not any thing
7:47
that is our fault. Some people feel more
7:49
desire and more arousal midcycle. Others
7:53
prefer closeness without penetration
7:55
during like the ludial phases. And so
7:57
it's really important for us to know our
7:59
cycles and what we like or experience.
8:02
Now during pmenopause, stimulation may
8:04
need to be slower, longer, or different
8:07
to be more effective. And that can be a
8:09
bad combination when we're tired as we
8:12
age and we don't have the same energy
8:14
levels that we once did. Effective sex
8:16
is adaptive. It's not routine. So, this
8:19
is where being creative, being patient,
8:22
and trying new things is really
8:24
important. Midlife sex often improves
8:26
when couples stop trying to recreate the
8:29
things that we did in the past instead
8:31
of responding to the body presently as
8:34
it is and honoring the changes that have
8:37
taken place as they are now. I think
8:39
that something that needs to be
8:40
discussed that's pretty important is the
8:43
history of how we learned some of the
8:46
things that we learned, namely related
8:48
to religion or shame or even the purpose
8:51
of sex in the first place. Now, if you
8:54
grew up in a family or a home where the
8:57
body was shamed, where understanding
8:59
your body was not encouraged, you're not
9:02
alone. Many of us were raised with
9:04
teachings that framed sex is that it's
9:06
for reproduction only or if you have
9:09
sex, you will absolutely always end up
9:11
with a disease or a baby. For marital
9:13
duty, these are the shoulds and supposed
9:15
dos. A good wife or a good husband
9:17
always pleases their partner. Or that
9:19
it's just for male satisfaction and that
9:21
women don't need to have a good
9:23
experience with it depending on how you
9:25
were taught as a child. Or maybe you
9:27
were taught that it's something that's
9:29
dangerous or sinful or shameful. And all
9:32
of those messages can really negatively
9:34
impact how we think about sex and
9:37
connection. Even in loving religious
9:40
homes, pleasure might have been absent
9:42
from the conversation when in fact we're
9:44
hardwired for things to feel good. In
9:47
fact, when I talk to patients about, you
9:50
know, sex and like, let's say they're
9:51
talking about masturbation or something
9:53
related to one of their kids finding
9:55
out, you know, these sorts of things, we
9:57
just talk about that our bodies are made
10:00
to feel good and that it's normal to be
10:01
curious about that. And then we just
10:03
talk about time and place and
10:04
appropriateness of that. But those are
10:07
the kinds of messages that help people
10:09
to develop into adults that don't
10:12
associate shame with all of these
10:14
factors because these messages don't
10:16
disappear when we become adults. They
10:18
live in our nervous system and they
10:19
become part of how we're wired and how
10:21
we think about things. So unlearning
10:24
those things doesn't mean rejecting
10:25
values. It just means separating
10:28
morality from biology. It means
10:31
separating worth from desire and
10:35
separating safety from silence. Because
10:37
a healthy sexual relationship isn't
10:40
indulgent, it's relational. And we can
10:42
have it if we learn about these things
10:45
and we become brave enough to talk about
10:47
it. So let's talk a little bit about why
10:49
sex often stops in midlife. Some of the
10:52
common contributors are pmenopause and
10:55
menopause. Hormonal shifts like estrogen
10:57
and testosterone and cortisol levels
11:00
really impact the way we interact
11:02
sexually in later or midlife. Fatigue
11:05
and burnout are really critical factors.
11:08
If I don't have enough energy to even
11:09
get up, how can I imagine going at it
11:12
for 20 or 40 minutes? Sometimes our
11:15
caregiving roles. I can remember that
11:17
after I had my youngest son and I was
11:20
like breastfeeding and he always needed
11:22
something and he was always touching me.
11:23
I didn't really want additional touch. I
11:26
felt like a factory. And so, you know,
11:28
your caregiving roles can really
11:30
drastically impact your desire for more
11:32
touch. Resentment or emotional
11:34
disconnection can play a major factor
11:37
and it can affect our body. You know,
11:38
I've worked with people where resentment
11:40
was directly connected to things like
11:43
yeast infections or UTI, which will
11:46
physiologically push away our partners.
11:48
And people don't understand how those
11:50
emotional connections or unresolved
11:52
distress in relationship will impact our
11:55
bodies. Some people have pain with sex
11:57
because of something that's physically
11:59
going on. And so these require you to
12:01
get these things checked out and then be
12:03
able to communicate what does work and
12:05
what isn't helpful. There's also
12:07
tremendous pressure to perform. This
12:08
happens for for men more than women
12:11
because you know women don't have to be
12:13
actively working for us to perform you
12:16
know intercourse whereas men they have
12:18
to have something functionally working
12:20
to have erection for them to be able to
12:22
perform and so with that can create a
12:25
lot of pressure and a lot of stress and
12:27
anxiety and then that becomes paired up
12:30
with failure and so this is really
12:32
overwhelming for people and I don't want
12:34
to sign up to go try again when I feel
12:36
like I'm failing and so these are all
12:38
things to be really thoughtful and
12:39
sensitive about. The other thing that
12:41
can happen is a loss of curiosity, not
12:43
wanting to try new things as we age and
12:46
not wanting to be open to keeping things
12:48
fresh. But none of these things mean
12:50
that a relationship is doomed or that
12:52
your relationship or your marriage needs
12:55
to remain sexless. They mean that
12:57
support and adaptation are required
13:00
because sex doesn't die from age. It
13:02
dies from neglect. It dies from shame
13:05
and most mostly from misunderstanding.
13:08
So let's talk about things that can help
13:11
because it's not all doom and gloom. And
13:13
change begins when we take action. So we
13:15
first know about it and then we take
13:17
action. So we want to shift from a goal
13:19
of having sex to building safety and
13:22
pleasure. That is going to require
13:24
slowing down arousal because that's not
13:26
a switch, it's a process. We want to
13:29
expand our definition and sex touch to
13:32
closeness, sensuality, hugging,
13:34
touching, curiosity. All of these things
13:37
count if you want to expand your
13:39
definition of of sex touch because all
13:42
kinds of other things can be really
13:44
mutually satisfying. Learn together.
13:47
reading books together, going to Barnes
13:49
& Noble and grabbing something off of
13:51
the shelf like in the old days when
13:53
everything wasn't right on our phone and
13:55
talk about these things together because
13:57
learning normalizes our experience and
14:01
then we're not alone with it which also
14:02
helps to unshame us. We need to address
14:05
pain, hormones, pelvic floor issues, and
14:08
there's even things called pelvic floor
14:11
therapy and medical consults and
14:13
education that can help for these topics
14:16
because there is help. And then talking
14:18
about it again without judgment, without
14:20
blame, being curious and not accusatory,
14:24
no matter if you're the man or the women
14:26
is really important so that we can get
14:28
to the bottom of what's happening and we
14:30
can be open and curious and resilient to
14:33
change and adaptation as things in our
14:36
relationship changes.
14:38
If you're in a sexless marriage, I want
14:40
you to hear this. You're not broken.
14:43
Your body is not betraying you. And it's
14:45
not too late. It can absolutely change.
14:48
Midlife can be a doorway, not an ending.
14:51
As long as education replaces shame and
14:53
curiosity and curiosity replaces
14:56
pressure, then things can turn around.
14:59
Sex doesn't need to look like what it
15:00
used to. It needs to be effective for
15:04
who you are now, and it needs to be
15:06
modified and adapted and flexible for
15:09
how you've evolved in both your
15:11
physicality and in your relationship.
15:14
So, thank you so much for listening
15:16
today. Hopefully, you found this helpful
15:19
and hopefully you find some benefit in
15:21
this if you decided to listen. And if
15:24
you have thoughts or comments, please
15:26
share them with our viewers because
15:27
maybe we can work together on this topic
15:30
and share ideas that have been
15:32
beneficial for you if this is something
15:33
you've struggled with in your
15:34
relationship. If you found it useful,
15:36
please subscribe to the channel and give
15:39
us a like and a share so that we can
15:41
improve reach to other viewers. And
15:44
until we meet again, don't forget to
15:46
lead with love. It'll never steer you
15:48
wrong.
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