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Holiday Gone Wrong: Lessons Learned
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this video, I share a true story about how a seemingly perfect holiday turned into a stressful, chaotic experience—and the valuable lessons we can all take from it. Whether it’s family drama, unmet expectations, or the pressure to create "the perfect day," the holidays can be a challenging time for many of us. 👉 Have you had a holiday go off the rails? Share your story in the comments! Let’s support each other in creating more meaningful celebrations. 🔔 Don’t forget to subscribe for more tips on navigating life’s challenges with resilience and mindfulness! I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm Kell ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thanks for tuning in today to
0:14
adaptable I am going to actually share a
0:17
little bit of a story uh that happened
0:20
for my family and I last Christmas and
0:23
hoping to share some of the insights
0:24
that we gained and some of the lessons
0:27
that we learned please keep in mind that
0:29
this story is presented just from my
0:31
perspective and all of the people that
0:34
were in the story were um they'll have
0:36
their own perspectives and and of course
0:38
I'm not able to give their perspective
0:41
but uh I'm from the zoomed out
0:43
perspective of my own and how I see the
0:46
events that unfolded and how they all
0:49
impacted our family system in general
0:51
and um you know ultimately it was a it
0:54
was a situation where I would call it
0:55
holiday gone wrong we come into the
0:58
Christmas season expecting things to be
1:00
a certain way we have our hopes we have
1:02
our plans and we we do our best to to
1:05
set those plans in motion and of course
1:08
people are going to be people and
1:10
everybody has different um ideas wants
1:12
expectations Etc and so when you have a
1:15
complex family system those will all
1:17
come into play and so hopefully you'll
1:19
hear my story from my Christmas gone
1:22
wrong last year and be able to glean
1:24
some insights and maybe make some
1:26
different uh choices for you and your
1:28
own holidays we did try to you know
1:31
hedge some of these things that did
1:33
happen but again we we all got together
1:35
in small spaces over lots of time and
1:38
and so we ended up with a pretty big
1:39
family conflict at the end of uh
1:41
Christmas Day and so it starts with um I
1:45
have five sons and they're all going to
1:47
be at our house for the holiday season
1:50
about a period of four or five days and
1:53
um I attempt to put out a schedule and
1:54
say you know here's the things that
1:56
we're going to do and my first mistake
2:00
was I didn't check with everyone to see
2:02
if those were things that everybody
2:03
wanted to do and what they wanted to do
2:06
with their time I did say um you know if
2:10
you want to be at these events then
2:12
here's when we're going to do them and
2:14
so on and so forth but mistake number
2:16
one was that I didn't get more of a
2:18
consensus feeling on what everybody
2:21
might want to do with the holiday season
2:23
and what good time connection and their
2:25
downtime needed to look like so that was
2:28
the first mistake although I attempted
2:29
to have a pretty organized situation I
2:32
also wasn't really clear about what my
2:34
expectations were around the time that
2:36
we were um going to be spending together
2:38
in my family system as The Matriarch I
2:41
tend to organize everything I tend to
2:43
delegate when needed and ask people to
2:45
pitch in in certain ways and so that's
2:48
been my role in our family system but as
2:50
all of my sons mature and they have
2:52
their own desires and and and wishes I
2:55
think that some of that really needs to
2:57
change um and everyone can maybe have
3:00
more input on the events that that we
3:03
are going to do together and so that was
3:05
that was a little bit of the setup so
3:08
I've got one son that's going to come in
3:09
from the East Coast um with his partner
3:12
I've got a son that's going to come in
3:13
from the West Coast over in California
3:16
um and they're going to come stay at the
3:18
house um one of the sons has a has a dog
3:22
they're going to bring and so we've got
3:24
not a very big house and so we're going
3:26
to have two people three people
3:28
additional that are going to stay with
3:30
us plus a dog and you know quite a few
3:33
of us have expectations on things being
3:35
a certain way and we want our um
3:38
environment to look and and be a certain
3:40
way and so we try to accommodate those
3:42
those sorts of things so anyways you
3:45
know when it when it comes to
3:46
assumptions on how things should be my
3:48
one son who had lived in my home was
3:50
going to be coming home and um you know
3:52
I asked if he wanted to stay in his old
3:54
room that's where he lived um not
3:56
thinking about what everybody else might
3:59
want and um you know the way the room is
4:01
laid out although their square footage
4:03
just about the same the way the room is
4:05
laid out it feels like that one's a
4:07
little bit bigger so our first
4:09
experience on you know expectations
4:12
looks like you know can we move rooms
4:15
when when one couple comes into the
4:17
house they wanted to be in a different
4:19
room and so what happens in me is I kind
4:22
of take it personally I'm I'm thinking
4:24
to myself you know I made the guest room
4:25
up really nice and it was for you guys
4:28
to enjoy and it's a better bathroom and
4:30
I had all of my own thoughts on what
4:31
would be better for them and I didn't
4:33
ask um and part of that was because I
4:36
assumed and I kind of still do that the
4:39
person that lived in the other room
4:40
probably should not be displaced because
4:42
that's where they lived when they grew
4:43
up and so those were some of the
4:45
assumptions that I made um and uh had
4:49
expected and so that was kind of like
4:50
our first little point of contention was
4:53
me taking personally that they wanted to
4:55
move rooms and uh and my not enough
4:58
started to come up around had organized
5:00
it and made it made it nice and and and
5:02
then it wasn't good enough and so that
5:04
kind of um that felt you know not very
5:07
exciting for me and didn't feel like a
5:09
good start um and then there's already
5:11
some resentment and and whatnot related
5:13
to uh the youngest you know in most
5:16
family systems the youngest child often
5:18
uh has a different experience depending
5:20
on the age Gap and in in this case the
5:23
youngest has got like a seven eight and
5:25
10 year age difference between the older
5:27
group of kids and so um you know my
5:31
husband and I were different people when
5:32
we were raising him we had different
5:34
socioeconomic status we both had you
5:37
know started our therapy Journeys and so
5:39
we were very different um parents and so
5:42
I think that the outside perception is
5:44
that child you know had it easier better
5:46
Etc and there's probably a lot of Truth
5:48
to that but there was not so much of a
5:50
division of resources at that point
5:52
because we no longer had five kids in
5:54
the house we only had one and so that
5:56
just naturally is going to look very
5:58
different but it's hard when we have
6:00
unresolved trauma to not see that for
6:03
what it's worth and see it from a more
6:04
adult perspective that probably any
6:06
parent would have those differences in
6:08
parenting when it came to the difference
6:10
in um the difference in age and birth
6:13
order so that was something that came
6:15
into play um and so the youngest comes
6:18
home and um he ends up moving into the
6:20
other room he comes in with his own set
6:23
of circumstances because he had just
6:24
broken his wrist the day he was supposed
6:26
to come so he's dealing with you know a
6:28
lot of pain and he's powerless and
6:31
helpless and frustrated that he'll have
6:34
to deal with this injury he had already
6:35
had an a risk surgery the year before so
6:38
a lot of his stuff was coming up around
6:40
the powerlessness of not having your
6:42
body work the way you want it to work
6:43
and so you know I felt a bit protective
6:45
over that as well not wanting to have
6:47
him further displaced after just having
6:49
this injury at Christmas time it's
6:51
really uh not what anybody wants and so
6:55
we work through that and um you know he
6:57
ends up staying in the other room and
6:59
and they they worked it out and it
7:01
turned out okay and then you know we had
7:04
some plans to do uh my husband does this
7:07
uh decorates our golf cart and wants to
7:09
dress up like Santa and I dress up like
7:11
Mrs Claus and we drive through the
7:13
neighborhoods and pass out candy canes
7:14
and it's really fun that only six people
7:17
fit on the golf cart and so this would
7:19
leave out several people um or we would
7:22
be in small groups separating during
7:24
different times if we wanted to go toour
7:26
neighborhoods and look at lights and and
7:27
do this little outing and so this was
7:29
the main priority that my husband had
7:31
because he was very excited about
7:33
putting this um really cute golf cart
7:35
situation together and he wanted to to
7:37
spend a lot of time doing that and some
7:40
of the other people in the group didn't
7:41
want to necessarily be separated and so
7:44
there was a little bit of divisiveness
7:45
over that um wanting to stay more
7:48
together and you know either these
7:50
people aren't happy or these people
7:51
aren't happy or you know or my husband's
7:53
not happy and so it ends up being uh
7:56
there's not a lot of flexibility in
7:59
expect around you know uh what I like to
8:02
um refer to Mel Robbins she says this
8:04
really cool um thing called the let them
8:07
Theory like let them take the kids let
8:09
them not take the kids let them go for
8:11
the golf cart ride like just be more
8:13
flexible with it but I think because
8:15
people had expectations there was
8:17
disappointments when those things didn't
8:19
happen and so the next lesson I would
8:22
say would be recognizing that um
8:25
expectations almost always lead to
8:26
disappointment and having more candid
8:29
conversations at the beginning of family
8:31
experiences are really important meaning
8:34
what are you hoping to have what would
8:36
how would you like to spend your time
8:38
what ways can we work cooperatively to
8:40
make sure that we all have our needs met
8:42
and that there's balance in the time
8:44
that we're going to spend together and
8:45
so having what I would call a pregame
8:47
huddle would be a great um
8:49
recommendation for avoiding some of
8:51
these types of disappointments because
8:53
of expectations that are that are set um
8:57
and and making sure that we're clear
8:59
about what we're hoping to gain and and
9:01
those things the other thing that
9:03
happened that created some hurt feelings
9:06
for my husband and I is feelings of
9:09
exclusion and so um you know uh the the
9:13
couple that came into town they wanted
9:14
to see you know our best friends um for
9:17
some of the time and they were like aunt
9:18
and uncles for them uh and so they
9:20
wanted to have some time alone with them
9:23
and because we didn't really have a lot
9:25
of alone time with them and we didn't
9:27
have a a lot of alone time with with the
9:29
son and his partner it kind of felt like
9:33
you know the why are they a priority
9:35
when we're not and can we go to so that
9:37
we could have time with you and them and
9:39
you know that was not expressed very
9:41
well on our parts and talking about the
9:44
hurt feelings and and and when attempted
9:47
I don't know that the hurt feelings were
9:48
really understood um I can't really
9:50
speak for them but what I do know is
9:53
recognizing that feelings of exclusion
9:55
can sometimes be caught up where clicks
9:57
that have develop in family system
10:00
um can make people feel like outliers or
10:03
unincluded or or even used and so that
10:05
can come up if we're not considering um
10:08
you know how everybody will be uh
10:11
feeling related to moments of inclusion
10:14
of inclusion or exclusion and so having
10:16
really candid conversations ahead of
10:18
time about those moments can also be
10:21
really important and and especially
10:23
having room for all perspectives not to
10:26
say that we're responsible for the
10:27
feelings of someone else but it is
10:29
important that we do our best to listen
10:31
and hear with an open heart and with
10:34
compassion so that was one of the other
10:36
things that happened as far as our time
10:38
spent and then a couple of our sons
10:41
still had their work obligations and so
10:43
they weren't able to be present for some
10:45
of the different events so you know we
10:47
had talked about going to the zoo but
10:49
then one of them would have to work too
10:51
late and not be able to get there and
10:53
then that family didn't really want to
10:55
come if they had to go separate and
10:57
alone and so there end end up being a
10:59
little bit of a delay on my part in
11:02
purchasing tickets and so when we went
11:04
to go ahead and do that for two
11:05
different events they were sold out and
11:07
so on my part I didn't do a good job of
11:10
just going we're going to do this I need
11:12
a hard answer about who can make it and
11:15
I'm going to buy those tickets ahead of
11:17
time or hey everybody here's the link go
11:19
ahead and pick up your tickets if you
11:20
would like to go and I can pay you back
11:22
cuz I'm happy to cover it but maybe put
11:24
more of the onus of purchasing the
11:26
tickets on other people so again
11:28
delegating where Poss or setting firm
11:30
boundaries about certain things because
11:32
I think that everybody was pretty
11:33
disappointed that we didn't get to go do
11:35
a couple of the activities that we had
11:37
previously discussed and that was again
11:39
I failed to get those tickets in a
11:41
timely enough matter uh manner where
11:43
they wouldn't be sold out and so
11:44
obviously the Pinnacle of flex a
11:46
pinnacle of mental health is flexibility
11:49
but um you know there was an expectation
11:51
and a plan and then it was then it was
11:53
failed due to being sold out so that was
11:55
another disappointment on an experience
11:58
um that happened over the the holidays
11:59
and again my failure was not just being
12:02
more assertive more boundar around
12:04
here's what we're going to do here's
12:05
when we're going to do it and I'll go
12:06
ahead and buy the tickets if you give me
12:08
a yes for the end of by the end of today
12:10
and then whoever come you know responded
12:12
they could go and whoever didn't respond
12:14
you know perhaps they wouldn't be able
12:15
to go um and so me being a bit
12:18
codependent still about wanting to make
12:20
sure everybody was included and would be
12:22
there and that everyone's schedules
12:24
would permit and all these other things
12:26
kind of ended up disappointing probably
12:28
other people in the group and so that
12:31
was a bit of a dis disappointment and so
12:33
there was a few moments like that and
12:35
then my um my husband was in a bit of a
12:38
bad mood about something one day and my
12:40
youngest son um was kind of messing
12:42
around and uh not kind of reading the
12:46
room based on how my husband was being
12:48
and started messing with him and ended
12:49
up spitting some water at him which was
12:52
maybe on another day would have been
12:53
perceived as playful but on this day did
12:56
not land well you know so he ends up
12:58
losing his temper and then that
13:00
exacerbates the discomfort in in some of
13:02
the other kids in the house and so
13:04
there's this tension around that um and
13:06
then you know my my youngest son's
13:09
Trauma from having had dad loses temper
13:11
at times that gets kicked up and so then
13:14
there's a little bit of a disconnection
13:15
there and so that was a bit of a bummer
13:18
and it created a weird energy um for a
13:20
little while until there was some repair
13:22
done on that um and and so that was
13:26
another little piece that kind of leads
13:28
up to Christmas day so another piece uh
13:32
is if there's conflict you know we have
13:34
to take uh responsibility for our part
13:37
in that conflict and we need to be
13:38
willing to face that and circle back
13:42
with some um accountability and
13:44
recognize when we have an empathic
13:46
failure in um in a source of contention
13:49
and so I would say working on conflict
13:51
and working through conflict and through
13:54
discomfort is really essential in uh a
13:57
family system especially where there's
13:59
going to be upset feelings at times when
14:01
there's so many people that get together
14:03
and keep in mind there's five kids but
14:05
there's also two in-laws and and five
14:08
grandkids six grandkids that are part of
14:11
this whole busy crazy equation so
14:13
there's just a lot going on in our
14:14
household lots of moving parts and a lot
14:16
of people's histories that inform their
14:18
reactions to things so fast forward we
14:21
move into Christmas Day and Christmas
14:24
day was pretty lowkey we watch a movie
14:26
we have some mimosas we hang out in our
14:29
pajamas we open presents it wasn't too
14:32
high strung it was actually a pretty
14:33
nice morning um but that said um we
14:37
ended up uh you know I'm making dinner I
14:39
have this really nice you know prime rib
14:41
and it's going to be a a dinner of I
14:43
think 17 or 18 people or something and
14:46
about an hour before I'm ready to serve
14:48
dinner my son is talking my youngest son
14:51
is talking to a friend who has nowhere
14:53
to go on Christmas and um he asks me you
14:56
know out loud in front of her which that
14:59
is always a pet peeve of mine it's like
15:00
let me discuss this with you in private
15:03
don't put me on the spot but he asks me
15:05
this question you know is it okay if she
15:07
joins us for Christmas dinner well my
15:09
husband and I always have the values of
15:10
if someone doesn't have anywhere to go
15:12
we would always include them if if if
15:14
any of our kids had a friend or a
15:16
partner a girlfriend or a boyfriend or
15:18
whatever um that needed somewhere to go
15:20
we would always let them come and so um
15:23
I'm like the more the marrier it's just
15:25
fine well my other son who um has a
15:29
little bit of a history and some
15:30
contempt for this son um he overhears
15:33
this conversation and he and he says if
15:36
he has a friend come then I'm leaving
15:39
and I'm put in this position where it
15:41
appears like I have to choose kids um
15:44
but what I really have to look at myself
15:45
is I have to choose my values and my
15:47
husband and I had already talked about
15:49
the idea that we were just going to kind
15:50
of let them like if people wanted this
15:52
or that or to leave or come or whatever
15:54
we were just going to let them and we
15:55
weren't going to try to manage how
15:57
anybody was responding and so although I
16:00
was disappointed to hear that from the
16:01
son that said he would leave um and I
16:04
did say to him I don't understand why
16:06
you would leave um like why would we
16:09
trade one person for being alone for
16:11
another person for being alone like
16:13
that's not a good choice We don't want
16:14
you to leave what you know please stay
16:16
but he was angry and that came a bit
16:19
from the history where a previous family
16:22
experience really got messed up or
16:24
ruined because the youngest son drank
16:27
too much brought a friend who also drank
16:29
too much and they kind of ruined the
16:31
experience and it happened to be on a
16:32
birthday that um of the of the one that
16:34
wanted to leave and so that had never
16:36
got resolved between the two of them so
16:38
again the past comes into this family
16:40
Dynamic and um and I can see it all
16:44
happening and I'm just thinking you know
16:46
we already addressed it with the younger
16:48
son we said that's not ever going to be
16:50
acceptable again you can't come if
16:51
you're going to drink too much we talked
16:53
to the friend and said that was you know
16:55
it really was um not okay that you guys
16:57
ruined that event by being you know by
16:59
being too intoxicated it wasn't what we
17:01
wanted for that experience and so you'll
17:03
be asked to leave if something like that
17:04
ever happens again well the son that
17:07
wanted that to not happen again didn't
17:09
know that that was already addressed
17:11
with directly um from the previous
17:13
experience and so he brings to the
17:14
experience like I don't want to go
17:16
through that again which makes total
17:17
sense um uh and doesn't realize that
17:20
we're already prepared to set a boundary
17:22
should anything like that ever happen
17:23
again we're not going to do that again
17:25
even on Christmas and we we already made
17:27
that very clear with our youngest son so
17:29
back to the son that's going to leave
17:31
we're really disappointed but we kind of
17:34
go let them um and so he proceeds to go
17:37
upstairs and I'm upset but I'm kind of
17:40
just watching it all happen the youngest
17:42
son says can we please talk about this
17:44
you know why would you leave I don't
17:45
want you to leave like please let me
17:47
talk and he the older one refused to
17:49
talk to him um and so like you know and
17:52
another area that should have changed
17:54
was he went up to to say goodbye to the
17:56
ones that had traveled from the East
17:58
Coast and say that he was gonna leave
18:00
well they didn't want him to leave
18:01
either so then they got involved and you
18:03
know they were upset like don't leave
18:04
and got involved with well he shouldn't
18:06
be able to invite someone to our family
18:08
dinner um if if he doesn't get agreement
18:11
from all of us and you know and then I
18:13
hear all of this happening um and it's
18:15
like wait a second but this is my house
18:17
and I've invited everybody over so I can
18:19
actually invite whoever I want and I
18:21
don't really need anybody's opinion or
18:23
permission for that matter but um but I
18:25
heard all that kind of going on um and
18:27
then the youngest son is trying to go
18:30
mitigate and problem solve but at this
18:32
point the sun that's going to leave is
18:33
already really angry um and so I hear a
18:37
really loud you know yelling at the
18:39
younger one um about that he's going to
18:42
leave and it sounds like they're going
18:44
to get into a physical altercation I'm
18:46
downstairs I can't see what's going on
18:48
but it sounds bad and um there was a
18:51
history in our family where there was a
18:53
physical altercation at one point when
18:55
my two oldest were teenagers and they
18:57
got in a fight and got arrested for
19:00
domestic violence and all this so we
19:01
have that history so we hear the loud
19:03
voice my husband's upstairs he hears the
19:06
loud voice and he intervenes and um we
19:09
have decided there will not be fighting
19:11
in our house our house is small we
19:13
cannot have big adult men losing their
19:15
temper and getting angry so my husband
19:17
comes in with what we call the chimp
19:19
Empire moment and he comes in with the
19:21
silver back voice and he he yells at
19:25
everybody this isn't going to happen if
19:27
you're going to act like this you're
19:28
going to get out and he makes that a
19:30
pretty much a blanket statement um to
19:33
everybody and and even my youngest son
19:35
who um you know was trying to solve the
19:38
problem but it was he should have just
19:39
let him go because he couldn't at that
19:42
point the the one that was going to
19:43
leave already made the decision to leave
19:46
he uh so it exacerbated it it should
19:49
have just been left alone but um and he
19:51
he owned that the next day but my
19:53
husband's big scary voice then brings up
19:55
and everybody else you know that there's
19:57
going to be something big happening and
19:59
it sounds like it it's at the hands of
20:01
dad um we call it the chimp Empire
20:03
moment because he brings out the silver
20:04
back and he's basically putting the
20:07
smackdown you know nobody's going to
20:09
fight this is not going to happen in our
20:10
house and if you're going to get violent
20:12
or if you're going to get aggressive
20:13
you're out of here doesn't matter who
20:15
you are so the youngest son says even me
20:17
and he says yes you're going to act like
20:18
this you're out so everybody kind of
20:21
leaves um my my son that was upset about
20:24
you know the younger one having a guest
20:25
come he leaves first um uh but something
20:29
I forgot is one of my other sons who
20:31
happens to also be a first responder
20:33
hears all of this and he darts up the
20:36
stairs to try to avert the conflict and
20:38
get involved um even though it really
20:40
wasn't his place and there wasn't any
20:42
physical fighting happening it just
20:43
sounded like it could be impending um
20:46
and so that said that added to it and he
20:49
was heightened and his adrenaline was up
20:52
and he hears the loud scary voice like
20:53
when he was a kid and you know fast
20:56
forward he goes up to try to solve the
20:58
problem and and alleviate with his first
21:00
responder you know instincts and it just
21:03
ended up making it even more volatile
21:06
and so although nobody got hit or
21:08
anything else there was certainly a lot
21:09
of hurt feelings um and of course I'm
21:12
down in the kitchen like what in the
21:13
world like I just wanted to have a nice
21:15
dinner and have our kids have Christmas
21:18
and um you know everybody hears it and
21:20
the grandkids hear and everyone hears
21:21
all this yelling and it was just such a
21:24
disappointment so fast forward um they
21:27
you know the older ones end up uh you
21:30
know leaving trying to go get him to
21:31
stay the one that that stormed off the
21:33
younger one tries to go get um him to
21:36
come back he doesn't want anything to do
21:38
with it um he tries to go get the other
21:40
brother to come back you know he he gets
21:42
the door slammed on him and so
21:44
everybody's angry and volatile and um
21:46
it's it's not getting solved tonight
21:48
anyways that was that was a a bit of a
21:50
disappointment and of course let
21:53
everybody's expectations around what
21:54
Christmas should have looked like down I
21:57
call it our chimp Empire Christmas it
21:59
was just like all the boys got big with
22:01
all their power and energy and my
22:03
husband was going to just be the bigger
22:05
silver back it's not happening in our
22:06
house and and to that tune if it were
22:09
going to get escalated I I really do
22:10
feel like he did what he needed to do
22:13
probably not without trauma goggles
22:15
having had a history of fighting in the
22:16
house that really led to some bad bad um
22:19
times in our family um but that said
22:23
after it all went down everybody kind of
22:25
went their own ways um we we did have
22:29
sort of an okay enough dinner with those
22:31
who you know were able to downregulate
22:33
and and talk about it um and then but
22:36
but it did create a bit of a rift in in
22:38
the family for sure that night and a lot
22:40
of it hasn't been fully solved
22:42
unfortunately we're coming up on a year
22:44
here and there hasn't been repair in all
22:46
of the Dynamics between all of the
22:48
different people and that that's the
22:49
part that's really hard for me um is
22:52
there's not really anything I can do
22:53
about that repair but that said um I
22:56
think that having an opportunity to
22:58
return and take accountability is really
23:00
important so my husband being the
23:03
patriarch he sent out an actually a
23:05
really beautiful message um and he took
23:08
accountability and and he said you know
23:10
everyone brought a different perspective
23:12
to that night and um he asked everyone
23:15
to reflect on what they might have
23:17
changed in their reactions and responses
23:19
and asked uh and invited for a
23:22
conversation to be Revisited around what
23:24
could be different and um he really
23:26
toiled over that message it and I
23:28
thought he did a beautiful job on
23:30
everything that he sent and the
23:31
invitation for everyone to talk you know
23:34
with him primarily I think you know he
23:36
got a bit of the bad guy um role because
23:39
he was the one that got so loud um you
23:41
know that culminated the end of all of
23:43
it um and interestingly uh very next
23:47
morning the youngest and him had a
23:49
really good talk um and I was part of
23:51
that and and it went really well there
23:53
was there was a smoothing out the oldest
23:55
that wasn't involved in it you know we
23:57
talked with him and he seemed to be okay
23:58
it was like it wasn't involving me so I
24:00
just stayed out of it um it took a
24:03
little while for one of the other Sons
24:04
to Circle back and talk to us but he was
24:06
really responsible about it and he just
24:08
said you know I want to talk with you
24:10
guys but I just want to know how I feel
24:12
and what I want and I want to be really
24:14
clear so that I can address it with you
24:16
know with integrity and responsibility
24:18
and so that took him a while I think it
24:20
took him bit over a month but he did
24:22
Circle back and we were able to have a
24:24
beautiful reparative conversation and
24:26
have since spent all kinds of time in
24:28
reconnection together um and so so of
24:32
the five three of them were able to have
24:34
connection and repair and that that
24:36
feels really good um the one that lives
24:39
really far away we have yet to be able
24:41
to make um a good conversation about
24:43
that there's a lot of history with him
24:46
um in our family system in general just
24:48
because he sort of joined us at a later
24:51
date and and wasn't part of the
24:52
evolution of the family system and what
24:54
it even means to um to be in our family
24:57
system all of that wasn't part of his
24:59
whole story it was it was pretty late in
25:01
high school when he joined us um and
25:03
then uh the other son who I'm sure felt
25:06
incredibly wronged because I'm in a
25:08
makeup that he probably felt that one of
25:10
the you know that the younger son was
25:12
chosen over him um my husband and I
25:15
talked about that at length and and and
25:17
then it wasn't just it wasn't the case
25:18
it was just that our values of inclusion
25:20
were chosen over uh one of one or other
25:24
of one of our kids and so you know I
25:26
feel true to those values and I was
25:28
prepared to set the boundaries I would
25:30
have needed to set should anything go
25:32
wrong with my youngest but that said
25:34
there's a lot of hurt that still exist
25:36
and um a lot of sadness over the
25:38
disconnection who um of of that son who
25:41
who hasn't really been willing to talk
25:43
to us since that day um and so I would
25:46
just say that recognizing we all have
25:49
discourse in our family systems we all
25:52
have un um unresolved pain points and I
25:56
think that the last lesson is really
25:59
about realizing that you have to be true
26:01
to your values even if it creates
26:03
disconnection in any of your family
26:05
members because otherwise you're then
26:07
being uh codependent and unhealthy and
26:10
you're trying to manage someone else's
26:12
emotional reaction um the other thing
26:14
that I think is important to take away
26:16
from this as a lesson is that um we
26:19
really don't have any control over the
26:22
the way in which people are willing to
26:23
Circle back and have discussion and
26:25
depending on attachment Styles if
26:27
someone is a really avoid an attachment
26:29
style they are likely not going to be
26:31
willing to Circle back at the same pace
26:34
and it's my hope that that that does
26:36
happen um I certainly miss the one who
26:38
who hasn't been in contact with us um
26:41
but you know we have to also honor that
26:44
um healing is a journey and it's not
26:45
linear and it it requires um patience
26:49
sometimes and understanding that those
26:51
things do not necessarily happen on our
26:52
time so Acceptance in the powerlessness
26:55
that everybody is at a different pace in
26:57
their healing Journey is the last lesson
26:59
that I would leave you with so I hope
27:02
that you find this helpful and that you
27:04
can take some of the lessons that we
27:05
learned from our um from our holiday
27:08
gone wrong last year and um are able to
27:11
preemptively apply some of those things
27:14
that you may have learned from our
27:15
experience uh in your own family systems
27:18
and realizing that we need to um temper
27:21
our expectations have clear
27:23
conversations about uh desires and
27:26
what's going to be good for everybody
27:28
realizing you need to once you set a
27:30
plan in motion just follow through with
27:31
the plan even if sometimes people um are
27:34
unable to fully commit and um and then
27:38
keep in mind the values that you hold
27:40
true to you um so that you can be
27:42
congruent as far as um as far as what
27:45
you need to do to maintain um healthy
27:47
space and time in your family system and
27:49
in relationship with others so that's
27:52
all that I have for you today feel free
27:54
to ask questions in the comments um I'll
27:56
do my best to get back to you um but
27:58
hopefully you took some of those lessons
28:01
and can apply them for your holidays and
28:04
uh happy holidays and until we meet
28:06
again don't forget to lead with love
28:08
it'll never steer you wrong
28:10
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