0:00
I've worked with people where resentment
0:02
was directly connected to things like
0:04
yeast infections or UTI, which will
0:07
physiologically push away our partners.
0:09
And people don't understand how those
0:11
emotional connections or unresolved
0:14
distress in relationship will impact our
0:16
bodies. Some people have pain with sex
0:19
because of something that's physically
0:20
going on. And so, these require you to
0:22
get these things checked out and then be
0:24
able to communicate what does work and
0:26
what isn't helpful. There's also
0:28
tremendous pressure to perform. This
0:30
happens for for men more than women
0:32
because you know women don't have to be
0:35
actively working for us to perform you
0:38
know intercourse whereas men they have
0:40
to have something functionally working
0:42
to have erection for them to be able to
0:44
perform. And so with that can create a
0:46
lot of pressure and a lot of stress and
0:49
anxiety and then that becomes paired up
0:51
with failure. And so this is really
0:53
overwhelming for people and I don't want
0:55
to sign up to go try again when I feel
0:57
like I'm failing. And so these are all
0:59
things to be really thoughtful and
1:00
sensitive about. The other thing that
1:02
can happen is a loss of curiosity. Not
1:05
wanting to try new things as we age and
1:07
not wanting to be open to keeping things
1:10
fresh. But none of these things mean
1:12
that a relationship is doomed or that
1:14
your relationship or your marriage needs
1:16
to remain sexless. They mean that
1:18
support and adaptation are required
1:21
because sex doesn't die from age. It
1:23
dies from neglect. It dies from shame
1:26
and most mostly from misunderstanding.
1:30
So let's talk about things that can help
1:32
because it's not all doom and gloom. And
1:34
change begins when we take action. So we
1:36
first know about it and then we take
1:38
action. So we want to shift from a goal
1:41
of having sex to building safety and
1:43
pleasure. That is going to require
1:45
slowing down our arousal because that's
1:47
not a switch. It's a process. We want to
1:50
expand our definition and sex touch to
1:53
closeness, sensuality, hugging,
1:56
touching, curiosity. All of these things
1:59
count if you want to expand your
2:01
definition of of sex touch because all
2:04
kinds of other things can be really
2:06
mutually satisfying. learn together,
2:08
reading books together, going to Barnes
2:11
& Noble and grabbing something off of
2:12
the shelf like in the old days when
2:14
everything wasn't right on our phone and
2:16
talk about these things together because
2:18
learning normalizes our experience and
2:22
then we're not alone with it which also
2:24
helps to unshame us. We need to address
2:26
pain, hormones, pelvic floor issues, and
2:30
there's even things called pelvic floor
2:32
therapy and medical consults and
2:35
education that can help for these topics
2:37
because there is help. And then talking
2:39
about it again without judgment, without
2:42
blame. Being curious and not accusatory,
2:45
no matter if you're the man or the women
2:47
is really important so that we can get
2:49
to the bottom of what's happening and we
2:52
can be open and curious and resilient to
2:55
change and adaptation as things in our
2:57
relationship changes.
2:59
If you're in a sexless marriage, I want
3:01
you to hear this. You're not broken.
3:04
Your body is not betraying you. And it's
3:07
not too late. It can absolutely change.
3:09
Midlife can be a doorway, not an ending.
3:12
As long as education replaces shame and
3:15
curiosity and curiosity replaces
3:18
pressure, then things can turn around.
3:20
Sex doesn't need to look like what it
3:22
used to. It needs to be effective for
3:25
who you are now, and it needs to be
3:27
modified and adapted and flexible for
3:30
how you've evolved in both your
3:33
physicality and in your relationship.
3:36
So, thank you so much for listening
