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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode, we’re unpacking What We Need to Know About Millennials and Gen Z, the beliefs, pressures, and cultural shifts shaping how these generations think, work, relate, and cope. If you’ve ever wondered why younger adults communicate the way they do, value what they value, or struggle in ways that might feel new, this conversation will give you clarity, context, and compassion.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody, welcome to Adaptable. I'm
0:14
Kelly O'Horo, your host and today we're
0:17
going to talk a little bit about a hot
0:19
topic, especially among my friends as a
0:23
Gen Xer. And we're going to talk about
0:25
the idea that millennials and Gen Z can
0:28
often be considered entitled by my
0:31
generation at school and at work. And
0:35
employers and professors say that their
0:38
expectations have shifted. Students and
0:40
employees say that they want clarity and
0:43
feedback and respect. And we have to
0:45
understand better about who's right. So
0:48
I find myself on the defending side of
0:51
this conversation oftentimes among my
0:53
peer group because well I'm an expert on
0:56
human behavior and so I understand
0:58
adaptation and so when you think about
1:01
you know this this concept it's
1:03
important to understand both sides of
1:05
the coin. So, I've got a friend who is a
1:08
professor, a college professor, and
1:10
she's talking to me. She's a
1:11
communications teacher, and she's
1:13
talking to me about how to navigate this
1:16
difference because our generation, there
1:18
was a a different stance taken by people
1:21
in a positions of power towards us. And
1:23
so, as things have evolved, there's a
1:25
little bit of a different change. And
1:27
so, you know, thinking about an example,
1:29
like let's say, and she hasn't said
1:31
this, but let's just use this for an
1:32
example, like students expecting to
1:34
renegotiate every deadline or due date
1:37
or parts of the assignment that were
1:39
asked. And then, you know, maybe a Gen Z
1:42
student might say, if I'm juggling work
1:44
and caregiving, why wouldn't I ask for
1:46
options? And when I think about me as a
1:49
as a young professional, I just showed
1:51
up. I just did what I had to do. And I
1:54
didn't, my bosses or my teachers really
1:56
didn't know much about what was going on
1:57
in my personal life. I just grind, you
1:59
know, I would just pull up my bootstraps
2:01
bootstraps and grind. And so when we
2:04
think about, you know, a Gen Xer, that's
2:07
oftentimes how we were raised and how we
2:10
had to do things, we have to look at
2:13
what are we dealing with in the
2:14
workforce and the next generation and
2:16
and how do we bridge that gap from what
2:19
we learned versus what they might have
2:21
learned. and you're not going to like
2:23
this, but it's kind of our fault. It's
2:25
our doing, and for good reason. So,
2:27
where did these traits come from? You
2:29
got to understand context. It really
2:31
matters. And many of us who were Gen X,
2:33
we were latch key kids. There's two
2:35
working parents. We come home to empty
2:37
houses after school. You know, we
2:39
learned independence and oftentimes felt
2:42
invisible. So, when we became parents,
2:44
we kind of swung the pendulum the other
2:47
direction. We were not wanting to do the
2:49
same thing as parents as was done to us.
2:51
And again, through no fault of our
2:53
parents, they didn't know anything
2:54
different. And quite frankly, they
2:56
probably paid better attention to our
2:58
emotional needs than their parents paid.
3:00
But it's just when you think about
3:02
generational knowledge and awareness,
3:03
it's different. So, as a parent, you
3:06
know, I'm thinking be present, ask what
3:08
they want, let them have a voice, let
3:10
them negotiate, make sure that my kids
3:12
feel heard, and as a result, they
3:14
develop skills and beliefs that say they
3:17
mattered. So thinking about, you know, a
3:19
Gen X mom remembering hearing things
3:22
like because I said so or children are
3:25
meant to be seen and not heard or things
3:27
like that which is common in my
3:28
generation that we would have heard
3:30
growing up. So as a mom, you know, maybe
3:32
I wouldn't have had my parents sit down
3:35
on the bed and talk about what's hard
3:37
and how I'm dealing with things. And I
3:39
would do that as a parent. I would sit
3:40
down and I would have this more two-way
3:43
conversation rather than this commanding
3:45
dialogue. And that plants seeds for, you
3:48
know, our kids that now show up in
3:50
workplaces and classrooms. And we have
3:53
to understand in our generation and
3:55
older where this comes from. And one of
3:58
the one of the things that I think is so
4:01
interesting is the shaming with the word
4:04
woke. And I think it's become a really
4:07
hot topic with um you know in the
4:10
political scenes and there's a lot of
4:12
sound bites around what's woke and
4:14
what's not. And honestly, woke is awake.
4:18
Uh, you know, there's a certain amount
4:20
of emotional intelligence that coincides
4:22
with the woke factor. And I think that
4:25
in older generations, myself included,
4:27
that wasn't part of how we were raised.
4:29
We didn't have the skills or the
4:32
knowledge or the the wherewithal to
4:34
recognize emotional needs and what are
4:37
emotions and how do we express that and
4:39
we matter. And we have raised kids to be
4:42
more awake about that. It literally
4:44
means awake. It's awake to their needs,
4:46
the inequities, their emotions. And
4:49
millennials and Gen Z grew up in an era
4:51
where therapy and mental health and
4:53
emotional language were normalized. And
4:56
so this was part of their vocabulary and
4:58
their way of being that wasn't
4:59
necessarily part of ours and older
5:01
generations. Their emotional vocabulary
5:03
is richer. It's bolstered by social
5:06
media and mainstreaming of psychology,
5:08
which again wasn't so commonplace in my
5:10
generation. So, think about like a new
5:13
hireer tells her manager, "I need
5:15
feedback at the end of 30 days to mark
5:17
how I'm and know how I'm aligned." 20
5:19
years ago, many of us would have
5:21
silently just guessed. We would have
5:22
been like, "I don't know where I stand.
5:24
I don't know what they need. I might be
5:26
doing a good job." But we don't have the
5:28
courage or the assertiveness to say,
5:30
"I'd like to have a review in 30 days."
5:32
And today's requisite isn't entitlement.
5:35
It's emotional literacy with some
5:37
practical aim. And I think of off
5:39
oftentimes we can consider it
5:41
off-putting because it's assertive and
5:43
it's you know it's saying I'm an equal
5:45
to you or I deserve to be know like to
5:47
be told something and I think sometimes
5:50
that can be viewed as entitlement when
5:51
in fact it's just saying just because
5:53
you're in a position of power it doesn't
5:55
mean you're more important than I am as
5:56
a human and I think that's an important
5:58
distinction to make. Now that doesn't
6:00
mean there's not time and place that
6:02
perhaps needs guidance and that's okay.
6:04
We can talk about that too. But I think
6:06
there's something to be said for our own
6:09
frustration, tolerance, and parenting
6:11
patterns when it comes to how this
6:14
exists. So when we think about kids
6:16
having tolerance for frustration, it's
6:20
it's built by facing small, tolerable,
6:23
hard things. And I know that when I was
6:25
parenting, I raced to rescue quickly. I
6:29
jumped in and tried to ease the disease
6:33
in my children. as fast as possible.
6:35
Their distress made me uncomfortable
6:37
because we didn't have that comforting
6:40
experience so much growing up. And so
6:42
there's a beautiful intention behind
6:44
jumping in to make sure that people are
6:47
okay as quickly as possible. But it's
6:49
got some mixed outcomes that I don't
6:50
think we could foresee because
6:52
developing that distress tolerance is
6:54
inherently really important. So thinking
6:57
about for example like a a millennial
6:59
intern, let's say she melts down after
7:02
there's some blunt red lines on a
7:04
proposal and it's very critical in
7:06
nature and the supervisor thinks she
7:09
just has thin skin. I would have had to
7:11
hear about this and you don't cry about
7:13
it. You just make the corrections. But
7:15
if that intern's learning history
7:17
equates that feedback with dialogue and
7:20
coaching and words around what was going
7:22
on is what's normal, then there's a huge
7:25
mismatch in the delivery. Because if the
7:27
parents were like, "Here's where we went
7:28
wrong and here's what you need to do
7:30
differently." And then they come into
7:31
the workplace with more of a curt direct
7:34
delivery. It's not that you can't say
7:36
there's a problem. it's that there's a
7:39
different presence of standards that
7:41
create a rupture if we don't consider
7:43
our delivery. And so I think that that's
7:46
important to recognize that we can we
7:48
can say hard things and clear is kind
7:50
but we need to make sure we recognize
7:52
our audience so that it lands because
7:54
the outcome really is that change needs
7:57
to happen and it's not that people are
7:59
without capacity to realize they need to
8:01
make improvements or change. But I think
8:04
that the delivery needs to be thoughtful
8:06
because of that. There's a little bit of
8:08
a myth of entitlement and it's really
8:10
more of a the reality of adaptation is
8:12
how we were raised creates how we need
8:16
to be seen and show up in our
8:17
communication. So what what looks like
8:20
entitlement is often that adaptation to
8:22
a world that values mental health that
8:24
values having a voice that values
8:27
collaboration and being treated as
8:29
equal. And these generations were taught
8:33
you know your voice matters. You should
8:35
ask for what you need. um expect
8:37
feedback, not just grades or performance
8:40
ratings, like figure out where you need
8:42
to make improvements. And so there's
8:45
there's something that there's something
8:47
to be said for that as a person of
8:49
power, whether it's a teacher or
8:51
employer, and why it feels hard. Um
8:54
these adapting of expectations can be
8:57
more work. You know, I can't just red
8:58
line a paper. I've got to go, well, what
9:00
don't I like about this? And what do I
9:02
want to see in a future scenario? and
9:04
and then I need to check in and go, are
9:06
you hearing what I'm saying? And does
9:08
that feel too harsh? And are we on the
9:09
same page? And do you get what's what
9:11
I'm expressing? So that takes more time.
9:13
It takes more effort. And I think that
9:15
if we're taxed and we're overcommitted
9:17
and we're overwhelmed, we might not have
9:19
the bandwidth. And then we're also
9:21
reflecting on our own experience. Nobody
9:24
did that for me. Why should I have to do
9:25
it for them? And there's this
9:26
resentment. And so we bring this
9:28
resentment. No one adapted for me,
9:30
right? And so why should I have to do
9:32
this? And the truth is is change is
9:35
inevitable and evolution is necessary.
9:38
And so if we can look at things from a
9:41
more detached compassionate place, this
9:43
is like care without inshment or
9:45
overfunctioning, then we can hear needs
9:47
and we can meet them where possible
9:49
without compromising outcomes that we
9:52
want. So let me give you an example.
9:55
We'll go back to a professor again. So,
9:57
a professor keeps firm due dates but
10:00
offers one built-in flex window for
10:02
every student each semester. Here are
10:05
the rules. Here are the expectations.
10:08
But then there's a human option. So, the
10:10
student then could feel respected. The
10:12
standards remain intact and they can
10:14
have a personal experience that upsets a
10:17
due date or a deadline because you built
10:19
in one flex option. Um, I know that we
10:22
do something like that in our company.
10:24
we have one oops if someone late cancels
10:26
or no shows we say you know what humans
10:28
are human we're not going to charge you
10:30
for the spot but if it becomes a pattern
10:32
or a habit then there's a consequence
10:34
and so I think that building in some
10:35
human flexibility is important that's an
10:38
example of how we can we can bridge that
10:40
gap but that detached compassion and
10:42
clear delivery is really important
10:44
having clear expectations and that
10:46
detached compassion say I care deeply
10:49
and I'm going to hold the line it's not
10:52
rescuing it's it's just responsive
10:54
leadership. It's recognizing your
10:56
audience. And that can be hard,
10:58
especially if you haven't cleaned up
10:59
your own mess around your own
11:00
resentments or your own injustices about
11:03
how you were treated by people in
11:05
positions of power as you were coming up
11:07
the ranks. And so the delivery of those
11:09
expectations matters a lot as much as
11:12
the expectations themselves. And think
11:14
about it. If you want a culture of your
11:17
classroom, of the workplace where people
11:19
feel heard and respected and worthy,
11:22
they're going to have a lot more
11:23
productivity. They're going to be a lot
11:25
more loyal. They're going to feel like
11:27
they matter. And the truth of it is is
11:30
we have to adapt, right? The workforce
11:32
is changing. And so recognizing that we
11:35
want to say why something needs to be
11:37
the way it needs to be. And that context
11:39
kind of gives dignity. and saying the
11:42
what, you know, here's the why and then
11:44
here's what's not negotiable and then
11:46
saying how we can um get through this
11:49
process with some support and you can
11:52
say when like timelines, checkpoints and
11:55
so we want to be really clear where
11:57
sometimes that might have been missing
11:58
in generations past. So
12:02
let me give you guys an example. So
12:04
let's say um I hear a class is juggling
12:08
jobs and family. The learning goal is
12:10
mastery of a certain topic by a certain
12:14
week. Here's some non-negotiables. We've
12:15
got three graded checkpoints. We've got
12:18
built-in one built-in flexibility. We've
12:20
got this one 48 hour extension uh per
12:24
per student, no questions asked if you
12:26
need more um email before the deadline
12:29
with a plan. And then my role is to help
12:32
you succeed and uphold the standards.
12:33
And so again, this isn't about habit
12:35
forming. This is about rec recognizing
12:37
the need for human flexibility or in the
12:40
case of an employer, you know, our
12:41
outcomes are safety, quality, and ship
12:44
dates. Um, those can't move. So, here's
12:47
the feedback cadence and how to ask for
12:50
help early if you need it. And if you
12:52
need accommodations, we can explore
12:54
options together that don't put the team
12:56
at risk or the deadlines at risk because
12:59
we care about you, but we care about the
13:01
work. And we can align on both of those
13:03
things. And so again, having these
13:05
examples set and conversations ahead of
13:08
time can make teammates feel seen,
13:11
hidden issues can surface sooner, cycle
13:13
time improves, but ultimately the
13:15
compassion plus clarity equals
13:17
productivity. And so this is where
13:20
recognizing we need to change the
13:21
alignment. It it's really important. And
13:23
don't forget, every generation brings
13:26
strengths and trade-offs. you know, baby
13:28
boomers would say that a Gen Xer brought
13:31
something that a baby boomer didn't
13:34
bring and it would be likely a
13:35
complaint. And so when we think about
13:37
how we all bring something from our
13:40
generational adaptation together, you
13:42
know, that's going to be part of it,
13:43
right? People people in Gen X say, you
13:46
know, we gave independence, it gave
13:47
grit. Millennials and Gen Z bring voice,
13:50
empathy, collaborative uh problem
13:53
solving. And honestly, the future needs
13:55
both. And so I think it's good to
13:57
understand and and also for gen Gen Z
14:00
and millennials to understand what it
14:01
was like to be part of a you know a
14:04
generation where there was just no
14:06
flexibility, no human, you know, um side
14:09
of things and it was very pull up your
14:11
bootstraps and figure it out kind of
14:13
thing. And so it's a hard adjustment if
14:15
that's not how you were brought up in in
14:17
the ranks of things. So I hope that that
14:19
makes sense. There's of course different
14:21
uh examples for every scenario, but
14:24
ultimately adaptability isn't about
14:26
caving on standards. It's it's about
14:28
integrating the best of each generation
14:30
to serve a common mission and outcome.
14:33
And that's ultimately going to be better
14:34
for productivity in all um in all areas.
14:38
So hopefully that helps any of you
14:40
understand both sides of the equation
14:42
and the change of the workforce. Like I
14:44
said, in my generation, I hear it all
14:46
the time. And I think there's a there's
14:48
just a misnomer around entitlement which
14:51
is really often what is masking
14:54
adaptation to a more emotionally
14:56
literate era. Um and of course it's more
14:59
work to adapt and resentment is real but
15:02
detached compassion helps us hear the
15:04
needs while protecting outcomes. Uh
15:07
remember that delivery matters. Be clear
15:10
the why, the what, the how, the when.
15:14
and it turns expectations into
15:15
invitations to succeed. If this episode
15:18
resonated with you, please subscribe,
15:21
leave a comment, or share it with
15:23
someone who might need to hear this.
15:24
Connect with me on social media. Uh like
15:27
I said, uh in other shows, I do see the
15:30
notes and the comments. And until we
15:32
meet again, don't forget to lead with
15:34
love. It'll never steer you wrong.
#Mental Health
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