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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, Understanding Secure Attachment, we explore what it really means to feel safe, connected, and confident in relationships. We’ll break down how secure attachment develops, why it’s essential for emotional well-being, and how it shows up in both therapy and everyday life.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks for tuning in today to
0:14
Adaptable Behavior Explained. I'm your
0:16
host, Kelly O'Horo, and uh today we're
0:19
going to talk about secure attachment. I
0:22
did an episode on all of the four
0:24
attachment styles and I got a lot of
0:27
feedback that people wanted me to drill
0:29
into the more specifics of each
0:31
attachment style. And so, ask and ye
0:33
shall receive. I created this show so
0:36
that I could help people uh better
0:38
understand why one behaves the way that
0:41
they do, especially the things that are
0:43
shaped by our early relationships. And
0:46
of course, today when we're going to
0:47
talk about secure attachment, you may
0:50
not hear as much about this because one,
0:52
it's it's it's a little less common. We
0:54
don't pay attention to things that don't
0:56
create issues, but it's just as
0:58
important to understand secure
1:00
attachment. And ideally, we would all
1:02
want to eventually get to the space of
1:04
being securely attached. So, if you've
1:06
ever wondered what a healthy connection
1:08
looks like, then this episode about
1:11
secure attachment is really the one you
1:13
want to pay attention to as far as the
1:15
goal and the objective of what we want
1:17
to all strive for. Those who didn't grow
1:19
up with secure attachment don't have the
1:22
option to become securely attached in
1:25
their adult relationships. And we're
1:27
going to address in in all four episodes
1:30
that about attachment specifically what
1:32
happens in our childhood that creates
1:35
some of the patterns of attachment as we
1:38
mature and what shows up in our
1:40
relationships. So with secure attachment
1:43
it's like the foundation of healthy
1:45
relationships. This happens and is built
1:47
when a child is consistently
1:50
experiencing safety. parents who are
1:53
responsive. They show up and there's
1:56
emotional attunement from the
1:57
caregivers. This is where someone, you
2:00
know, cries and the mama or the daddy
2:03
goes over and says, "What's going on,
2:05
sweetie? Are you okay? What can I do?"
2:07
People with secure attachment tend to
2:09
have beliefs that are really healthy and
2:11
strong and don't shape or don't shift so
2:15
much in the presence of stimulus that
2:17
could challenge this. So one a few
2:20
different beliefs that we would
2:21
establish if we're securely attached are
2:23
things like I'm worthy. I'm worthy of
2:25
love. I can trust. Others can be
2:28
trusted. It's safe to express my needs,
2:31
my wants, my desires. And someone with
2:34
secure attachment doesn't have a lot of
2:36
issue with expressing those things. And
2:38
they feel as if they're going to be met
2:40
with somebody who will respond in a
2:42
healthy way to them. And if they don't,
2:45
it's not personal. So someone with
2:47
secure attachment will feel a lot more
2:49
comfortable with closeness and
2:51
connection and being intimate. Uh but as
2:54
well as being comfortable with
2:56
independence. I can be by myself. I can
2:59
opt out of the event because I need some
3:01
time to just recharge my batteries and I
3:04
don't feel FOMO. I don't have to
3:06
necessarily be part of everything.
3:08
Someone with secure attachment also has
3:11
an ability to regulate their emotions.
3:14
And so when they're in distress, they
3:16
can they can take a beat and they can
3:18
recognize what it is that's going on
3:20
inside of them and they can they can
3:22
allow emotions to come and go and be
3:24
more fluid and then they can do things
3:27
uh more readily to cope with the change
3:30
in emotions in order to regulate those
3:32
things. The other thing that happens
3:34
more easily for someone with secure
3:36
attachment is that when there's
3:38
conflict, which all relationships have
3:41
conflict, they'll have conflict. They'll
3:42
have constructive tension opportunities.
3:45
But someone with secure attachment has a
3:47
much easier time resolving conflict.
3:49
they don't avoid going toward the person
3:51
to say, "Hey, there's this thing that's
3:53
going on and I'm not okay with how we we
3:56
handle that or I think we can do better
3:58
or I didn't do very well in that
4:00
situation and I'd like to to make some
4:02
amends or repair with you." Uh, and
4:04
they're also more willing to take
4:06
someone's um, you know, their uh,
4:09
feedback about whatever has happened and
4:12
apology and they're more willing to
4:13
forgive and to let go. they can take
4:15
something that's been said to them at
4:16
face value and say, you know, they said
4:18
it was all right and they're sorry for
4:20
whatever it is they did and things can
4:22
be resolved and they don't necessarily
4:24
uh need to be held on to. It's a lot
4:27
easier for someone with secure
4:28
attachment to trust people. They don't
4:30
have the same propensities to have
4:32
ongoing fear of abandonment or
4:35
rejection. And they're not constantly
4:37
worried about how they're perceived in
4:39
the eyes of others because of that fear
4:41
of rejection. they're kind of able to
4:43
stand a little bit more ground and take
4:45
up more space because they can they kind
4:48
of come with the thought, you know, not
4:50
everybody is going to like me and that's
4:52
okay. I can be safe if not everybody
4:54
does. I may not be everybody's flavor,
4:57
but I must be me to be congruent with my
4:59
values. Someone with secure attachment
5:01
also has an easier time to communicate
5:05
in healthy ways. They can express their
5:07
need for boundaries, limits, what's okay
5:10
and not okay with them. And so secure
5:13
attachment isn't perfection by any
5:15
means, but it's it's a sign of
5:17
resilience. It's it's the ability to
5:19
navigate connection and disconnection
5:22
without losing your sense of self in the
5:24
process. Meaning there's more internal
5:26
locus of control and less reliance upon
5:30
the external world to make sure that I
5:32
feel okay with myself in this world. So
5:35
now we're going to talk a little bit
5:37
about how secure attachment will shape
5:39
relationships because our attachment
5:42
style very much impacts and affects the
5:45
people that we are in relationship with.
5:46
These are all kinds of relationships,
5:48
not just romantic relationships from
5:50
friends to family to employer
5:52
situations. So securely attached people
5:56
tend to form relationships that feel
5:58
safe. They are reciprocal. There's a I
6:01
give to you, you give back to me. It's
6:02
not one way. I'm not constantly the
6:04
caretaker, the giver, but people offer
6:07
and give back to me. And they're they're
6:09
mutually emotionally nourishing. And so
6:13
there's not as much one-sidedness in
6:15
relationships with securely attached
6:17
individuals. And part of why that
6:19
happens is because there are some key
6:21
factors that make it attractive and to
6:24
feel better and safer to be in
6:26
relationship with someone who securely
6:28
attached. And one of those traits is
6:30
that they are emotionally available.
6:32
They can share feelings, they can talk
6:34
about emotions, and they can receive
6:36
feelings without being blown out of
6:38
their own window of tolerance for
6:40
emotion and other people's distress. And
6:43
so, we want to be in relationship with
6:44
people that can go deeper. They have a
6:47
better ability, like I said before, to
6:49
to resolve conflict. And so when there
6:51
are moments of disconnection or conflict
6:54
or like I mentioned constructive
6:56
tension, there's an easier ability to
6:58
repair ruptures without it turning into
7:00
a big fight or unnecessary escalation.
7:03
In a securely attached relationship,
7:05
there's flexibility. I can be
7:07
comfortable with our intimacy. I can be
7:09
comfortable with some disconnection and
7:11
autonomy. These are those people that
7:13
can have friends where you say, you
7:15
know, I haven't talked to them in six
7:16
months or even a year, but we pop back
7:18
into connection and it's like no time
7:20
has passed. This is evidence of a
7:22
securely attached relationship. I don't
7:24
need to hear from you all the time to
7:26
know that you matter to me and that I
7:28
matter to you. I can be aware of what's
7:30
going on in your life and recognize that
7:32
that isn't personal. And so the
7:35
flexibility and comfortability with the
7:37
disconnection without it meaning
7:38
anything dire about the relationship is
7:40
a sign of a secure attachment. The other
7:43
piece that I think most people really
7:45
want in a relationship is someone who
7:47
can be empathetic. This is really our
7:49
ability to feel with somebody to attune
7:52
to others without losing our sense of
7:55
self-awareness. This isn't when
7:57
someone's crying, you're crying with
8:00
them because of your own sadness,
8:02
because of your own loss. It's crying
8:04
with them because you have compassion
8:06
and empathy toward what they're going
8:08
through. And you're pulling something
8:09
from inside of you that says, "I really
8:11
know how you feel because I've been
8:14
there." And that's really true empathy.
8:18
Some common relationship dynamics that
8:20
happen with someone in a securely
8:22
attached relationship is that there's
8:25
open communication. Again, your
8:27
expression of needs and boundaries are
8:29
clear and it's not taken personally.
8:32
It's an easier, more eb and flow with
8:34
trust and reliability. people feel more
8:37
safe relying on you and you feel safe
8:40
relying on them and it's not so
8:41
dependent on you know like the weather
8:43
things that are happening in life and
8:45
more so there's a healthy independence
8:47
each person maintains their own identity
8:50
their own sense of what I'm doing in the
8:52
world is independent and autonomous from
8:54
you and what you're doing is autonomous
8:56
from me and when we can make time we can
8:58
come together and we can have you know a
9:01
recognition that healthy independence is
9:02
really celebrated in a securely attached
9:05
relationship ship. And of course,
9:08
there's always going to be ruptures in
9:10
relationships. And the ability to repair
9:12
after those ruptures is is a key
9:15
component of a of a securely attached
9:18
relationship. Disagreements don't
9:20
necessarily threaten the relationship.
9:22
And you one doesn't find themselves
9:25
spinning in into the place of this is
9:27
over. I can't be, you know, in
9:29
relationship with them. I can't be
9:30
friends with them. I can't be married to
9:32
them. It doesn't go to this doom and
9:34
gloom place so quickly.
9:37
Secure attachment creates this sense of
9:39
emotional home. It's a place where
9:42
people can grow and change and rest and
9:46
be quiet and feel seen.
9:49
So how do we get this secure the secure
9:52
attachment style of of connection? And
9:55
this is really rooted in our early
9:57
childhood. Secure attachment typically
9:59
develops really in the first few years
10:01
of life, like between the ages of zero
10:03
and three. We kind of have a good
10:05
understanding about if a child is going
10:08
to become securely attached because the
10:10
brain and the nervous system are rapidly
10:13
forming during those years. And if we
10:15
have highly attuned, emotionally present
10:18
parents or or at least one parent who's
10:21
like that, children have a much better
10:23
opportunity to become securely attached.
10:26
And their experience really is developed
10:30
because they've had consistent
10:32
responsiveness. Their caregivers uh
10:35
respond to distress with comfort and
10:37
attunement. They don't get so upset
10:39
because of their own distress when a
10:41
child needs them that they can be
10:43
present and grounded. And when children
10:45
are upset up till like the age of six
10:48
months, they can't regulate themselves.
10:49
They need a co-regulator and a parent or
10:52
a caregiver. And so if a parent can't do
10:54
that, the child is in distress. And so
10:56
to have secure attachment, we need a
10:58
really grounded sense of attunement and
11:00
comfort by our caregiver. There's a
11:02
consistent sense of emotional safety.
11:05
The child will feel seen, soothed,
11:07
supported, like they're a priority, like
11:09
they matter. And this again helps to
11:13
develop the neuropathways that
11:14
contribute to a securely attached sense
11:16
of self. Another key factor, and this is
11:19
why all the parenting books and
11:21
parenting podcasts that you hear about
11:23
talk about consistency, because
11:26
predictability and routines help a child
11:29
create a sense of security. the
11:31
predictability of emotional presence, of
11:34
structure, of what a child can expect in
11:36
their environment help to create a sense
11:39
of stability. And so those things keep
11:41
the nervous system more balanced. And so
11:44
those are reasons why, you know, we talk
11:47
about those needs being important for
11:49
children because we want uh the best
11:52
opportunity at developing a securely
11:53
attached sense of self. Now something
11:55
that most parents know about is
11:57
encouraging encouraging of exploration
12:00
of trying new things and this the
12:03
caregiver can be a secure enough base
12:06
for the child to go explore the world
12:08
and come back for a sense of comfort and
12:10
then go explore new things and come
12:11
back. And so when a parent can offer
12:14
that a child will feel trust that their
12:17
needs will be met. They'll feel safe
12:20
when they express their emotions as if
12:22
their experience matters to the
12:24
caregiver and as a result they develop a
12:26
sense of self-worth and ultimately
12:28
confidence and that confidence is really
12:30
the foundation for the secure
12:32
attachment. So let me give you an
12:34
example and I talked a little bit about
12:35
it but if a baby cries and a caregiver
12:38
picks up the baby and soothes them stays
12:41
present over time the baby learns I
12:44
matter I'm safe I can trust and this
12:47
early relational you know blueprint
12:50
becomes the foundation of the adult
12:53
attachment relationships it's the
12:55
learning and so it's really critical
12:58
especially those first zero to three to
13:01
five years in the establishment of the
13:03
personality of attachment for the child.
13:06
Now, fear not. If you were not fortunate
13:09
enough to be raised in a home where this
13:11
this was your outcome, it's not too late
13:14
because attachment style is not fixed.
13:17
It could be molded. It can change based
13:19
on the environment that you're involved
13:21
with. So, what I'm going to talk about
13:23
next is called earned secure attachment.
13:27
And this is really special and
13:29
wonderful. So if you were not part of
13:31
that first group and you long for it,
13:33
then keep your ears up now because most
13:36
people don't grow up with secure
13:37
attachment and the histories that lean
13:40
toward being able to have that. And it
13:42
doesn't mean that it's out of reach. So
13:45
earned secure attachment is this process
13:47
of developing a secure relational
13:50
pattern later in life often through
13:53
therapy through healing relationships
13:55
where someone shows up consistently for
13:58
you and starts to build neuropathways
14:00
that are different than the ones that
14:02
you developed as a child. And then of
14:04
course none of this can happen without
14:06
intentional selfwork. We have to have
14:07
insight. We have to realize these are
14:09
our patterns and we have to be willing
14:11
to look into that and explore that. So,
14:14
people with earned secure attachment
14:16
might have experienced childhood trauma,
14:18
neglect, or inconsistent caregiving.
14:20
They might have had anxious avoidant or
14:22
disorganized attachment patterns before.
14:25
They might have had emotional
14:27
dysregulation or relational instability,
14:30
difficulty trusting. But through the
14:32
healing, they begin to recognize, they
14:35
name those old patterns, and they start
14:37
to build relationships that feel safe
14:40
and most importantly, reciprocal. They
14:42
learn to regulate their emotions. They
14:45
learn to express their needs. And they
14:47
learn to develop trust in themselves and
14:50
in others, which looks so different in a
14:52
relationship. If you were someone who
14:54
couldn't trust others and you become
14:56
someone who can, everything changes in
14:59
your life when you can have trusting
15:00
relationships. So, some examples that
15:03
can, you know, help you think about a
15:05
healing experience is if you're, for
15:07
example, as a therapist, right? If I
15:10
show up consistently and I'm empathetic
15:13
and I'm really well attuned for the
15:15
client, they begin to feel safe and
15:18
express their vulnerabilities and their
15:20
needs. And I always tell my clients,
15:23
borrow it from me until you have enough
15:25
courage and bravery to practice with
15:27
people out there in the real world
15:30
because you're building pathways that
15:32
say, hey, I think I can do this. I can
15:34
learn this. And so a therapist is part
15:37
of a great way to build some connection
15:39
and attachment and new neuropathways
15:42
related to trust. But uh uh you can also
15:45
have a partner who responds to emotional
15:48
needs with warmth or consistency which
15:51
slowly reshapes a person's internal
15:54
model of connection. They start to build
15:57
a new truth compared to the truth they
15:59
had or established from their childhood.
16:02
A person can learn to start setting
16:04
boundaries and honor their own needs.
16:06
They can build self-rust with practice
16:09
and ultimately it turns into their own
16:11
emotional resilience. Earned secure
16:14
attachment is a testament to the
16:16
neuroplasticity in our brains and how
16:19
critical it is to be in relationship and
16:21
to have relational healing. We can
16:24
rewire our attachment systems with
16:27
connection and it it's never really too
16:28
late. And so it's really special that we
16:32
have the opportunity to dig in and
16:34
change the way that we relate with
16:35
others. So secure and earned secure
16:38
attachment can show up in adult
16:40
relationships and it looks like
16:42
stability, openness, trust, emotional
16:45
security, emotional maturity. It can
16:48
change to sound more like I'm not
16:51
panicked. Uh when I'm in disconnection,
16:54
I can trust that my partner needs space
16:56
and that it's not dire. When I'm
16:58
emotionally overwhelmed, I can recognize
17:00
that I have a need and I can reach out
17:03
to my partner and I can say, "Can we
17:04
talk or something's bothering me? Can we
17:06
iron this out?" And there's more
17:08
internal sense of safety that it that it
17:11
could turn out okay now, even though as
17:13
a child it didn't. The ability to repair
17:16
from conflict happens much easier. Uh we
17:19
can apologize. We can take
17:20
accountability for our empathic
17:23
failures. We can listen and be more
17:25
patient and less impulsive and
17:28
ultimately work through issues where
17:30
we're not uh seeing eye to eye. And we
17:33
can develop the ability to respect
17:35
boundaries and understand that both
17:38
closeness and autonomy are essential and
17:40
critical to a healthy relationship. We
17:42
can build our emotional regulation and
17:45
stay grounded during our stress or our
17:47
disagreements. when we develop a secure
17:50
attachment style through the mutual
17:52
respect and consistency of our
17:55
relationship. And so we can have
17:58
different opportunities to see what this
18:00
looks like. For example, like if you
18:03
know maybe I used to be upset or anxious
18:05
when my partner would be too busy or
18:07
didn't have time or attention to pay to
18:10
me and ultimately unavailable. and I can
18:14
develop the ability to trust the
18:15
relationship and not spiral into a fear
18:18
space or ultimately withdrawal because
18:20
I'm afraid that I can't trust it and
18:23
recognize that that person, you know,
18:25
might check in later, but don't go to
18:27
that default mode of abandonment. So,
18:31
this is something that can be really
18:33
satisfying and ultimately settle us down
18:35
in relationships when we can earn this
18:37
over time. And behaviors of this can
18:40
look like an earned trust in self, in
18:43
others, and ultimately the process of
18:46
connection. And so when we are able to
18:49
be in safe relational connection, we are
18:52
able to have more joy. You know, secure
18:55
attachment allows us to be adaptable. It
18:58
allows us to bend and not break and be
19:01
in connection without losing ourselves.
19:04
And it gives us a lot more space to
19:07
celebrate emotional safety and notice
19:10
when I feel calm and connected and seen.
19:13
And it gives us space to practice our
19:14
vulnerability and share our truths even
19:17
when it's risky or it feels like it
19:19
could be risky. It gives us room to
19:21
honor our needs, know what they are,
19:24
express those in a relationship, and
19:26
honor our boundaries and our emotional
19:29
our emotional life. It can it can feel
19:31
like it matters to the people in our
19:33
relationship. But ultimately all things
19:35
are better enjoyed in connection with
19:37
someone else. We can enjoy a sunrise or
19:39
a sunset sitting there if we are
19:42
securely connected to ourselves and
19:44
really find joy in that. But there's
19:46
just nothing better than being in that
19:48
same sunset or sunrise with someone that
19:50
you love or care about. That reciprocal
19:53
nourishing is so very special. And
19:56
really all things great are better
19:57
enjoyed with someone that we love or
19:59
that we trust. And so whether you grew
20:02
up with a secure attachment or working
20:05
on earning it now or seeing this episode
20:07
and deciding this is something I want to
20:10
really go toward and work on, you are
20:12
capable of deep meaningful connection.
20:15
We are hardwired for connection. It's
20:17
how our species is built. And you can
20:20
have that if you're willing to put in
20:22
some of the work. So just in in kind of
20:25
closing secure attachment, it's built
20:28
through consistent attuned caregiving.
20:30
Um, and it creates emotional resilience,
20:32
trust, healthy relationships. And if we
20:35
didn't get it as a child, we can earn it
20:37
through healing, therapy, safe
20:40
connection, and relationships, and
20:42
insight, and being willing to look at
20:43
our history. But your past is your past.
20:46
It's it's not your healing. And so, I
20:49
want you to think about it right now and
20:51
reflect. What does a secure connection
20:53
feel like in your body if you have that?
20:56
and think about where there were
20:57
relationships that do help you feel safe
21:00
or seen or supported and just take that
21:03
in for a moment
21:05
and decide if you didn't have that as a
21:07
child if that's something you want to
21:09
work towards gaining. So, thank you so
21:12
much for tuning in. This is such a
21:14
special um topic. It's really the
21:16
foundation of everything in our
21:18
relationships and our level of
21:20
confidence and ultimately success. If
21:22
this episode resonated with you, please
21:25
subscribe to the channel, leave a
21:27
review, share it with someone who might
21:29
need to hear this. Please chime in on
21:31
social media. I do read all of my
21:33
comments and check out comments through
21:36
my website if needed. But check out the
21:38
show notes and if you want an overview
21:40
of all of the attachment style, I have a
21:42
show earlier in season one that really
21:44
is just a broad umbrella of all of the
21:47
attachment styles. So again, thank you
21:49
for tuning in. Understanding your story
21:51
is the very first step towards healing.
21:53
So, congratulations on digging in and
21:55
listening today. So, until we meet
21:58
again, don't forget to lead with love.
22:01
It'll never steer you wrong.
22:03
[Music]
#Mental Health
#Family & Relationships
#Parenting