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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, Kelly delves into the intricate world of codependency traits, offering valuable insights and guidance. Codependency, often referred to as "relationship addiction," is a complex emotional and behavioral condition that can affect anyone. Kelly provides a comprehensive exploration of codependency, its origins, and its impact on individuals and their relationships.
In this discussion, you'll discover how codependency traits are learned behaviors, often rooted in family dynamics and generational influences. Kelly emphasizes that, while these behaviors are challenging, they can be unlearned. She shares practical advice on how to recognize codependent traits in yourself and others, fostering a path toward healthier, more balanced relationships.
Tune in to this thought-provoking episode and gain a deeper understanding of codependency, its effects, and how to break free from its grip. Whether you're personally dealing with codependency or seeking insights to help others, this podcast offers valuable knowledge and practical solutions. Don't miss this eye-opening discussion with Kelly O'Horo on "Adaptable Behavior Explained: Understanding Codependency Traits."
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
Helpful books: Codependency No More, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**K
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm kellyo horo and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thank you for tuning in today
0:15
we're going to talk a little bit about
0:17
codependency and I want to start with
0:19
saying I really despise labels but I
0:22
also recognize that people have traits
0:25
that they experience and they're looking
0:28
for Relief and they're looking for
0:30
understanding and in that they Google
0:32
search words and someone might say you
0:34
know you're so codependent and so part
0:37
of my LoveHate relationship is you can
0:39
find information about topics with the
0:42
labels but I don't love the label
0:44
especially related to codependency
0:46
because codependency traits are learned
0:49
behaviors they're passed down from
0:51
generations and they're generational in
0:53
nature and so we learn what our parents
0:55
did and they learned what their parents
0:57
did and these behaviors are highly influ
0:59
influenced by Family Culture by uh
1:03
geographical region by religion by all
1:06
sorts of different things we are
1:08
impacted and oftentimes show up in
1:10
codependent ways so the good news about
1:13
something that's learned is it can be
1:15
unlearned and so today what I'm hoping
1:18
to do is help you better understand
1:20
codependency traits how they're
1:22
developed um what we can do to try to
1:25
address some of our behaviors and
1:27
ultimately have some freedom because you
1:29
can start to watch yourself and how you
1:32
show up in relationships and the and the
1:35
codependency traits that are that are
1:37
affecting you so codependency is an
1:39
emotional and a behavioral condition and
1:44
it's often referred to as relationship
1:46
addiction a codependent person is is in
1:48
a one-sided somewhat destructive or
1:50
abusive relationship not always and
1:53
oftentimes in relationships both
1:55
partners are codependent so my okayness
1:58
is dependent on your okayness and your
2:00
okayness is dependent on my okayness and
2:02
ultimately I can't be okay if you're not
2:04
okay and that's really kind of a a brief
2:07
understanding of codependency is I can't
2:09
be okay if you're not okay and I'm so
2:11
worried about rejection or I'm so
2:13
overfunctioning in relationships because
2:15
I'm trying to create Insurance about how
2:18
I can stay in relationship and it's
2:21
these these traits are learned by
2:22
observing or imitating family members
2:24
with similar behaviors so an example of
2:28
something we might learn let say I um I
2:31
have a parent who who drinks you know
2:34
every night and when they drink they get
2:36
really aggressive and so one of the
2:39
things that I take into account as a
2:41
child is you know Dad's drinking and
2:44
he's unpredictable and then what I start
2:47
to learn how to do is walk on eggshells
2:49
I don't want to be the reason that dad
2:50
comes toward me or I don't want to be
2:52
the problem and so I get busy being on
2:54
my best behavior all the time and so I
2:57
start to adopt some codependent traits
2:59
like perfect cism or um overfunctioning
3:03
I I see Dad come home and I run to Dad
3:05
and I say you know can I help you is
3:07
there anything I can do or look Dad look
3:09
what I did today trying to make sure
3:11
that I can create some insurance that he
3:12
won't pop off uh because his behavior is
3:15
unpredictable now what we understand or
3:19
understood about codependency is it used
3:21
to have its origins in a family member
3:23
that was addicted or substance abusing
3:26
or a family member that was mentally ill
3:28
what we now know is that it affects
3:31
really anyone that has dysfunctional
3:33
family members or member you know like I
3:35
said formerly it was really related to
3:38
Partners who had addiction or parents
3:40
who have addiction but now it's anybody
3:42
who's in relationships with chronically
3:44
mentally ill people or basically if
3:47
you're in a relationship with anybody
3:49
who kind of does this with their mood
3:51
and their affect so they're up and down
3:53
it's unpredictable and there doesn't
3:55
seem to be a rhyme or a reason about why
3:58
they're acting the way that they're
3:59
acting
4:00
and so this creates uncertainty in our
4:03
nervous systems when we're around people
4:05
that are unpredictable and then we get
4:07
busy trying to figure out how to not be
4:09
the reason or how to try to it gives us
4:12
the illusion of power and control in the
4:14
environment that if I just be a certain
4:16
kind of way then they won't act a
4:18
certain kind of way and of course
4:20
they're not acting the in whatever way
4:22
they're acting because of anything that
4:23
we did they are just being them but we
4:26
take on and personalize how they're
4:28
acting because it gives us this sense of
4:30
control so the the term has evolved to
4:33
Encompass codependency in really any
4:36
dysfunctional family cont uh context so
4:40
what is a what is a dysfunctional family
4:42
how does it lead to codependency
4:44
basically anybody who has fear or anger
4:48
or pain or shame that is ignored or
4:51
denied so this is the family where we
4:54
don't talk about our feelings we don't
4:55
address our emotional experience we
4:58
either pop off and get angry or we shove
5:00
everything underneath the rug and we
5:01
just pretend as everything is just fine
5:04
and these are the families where image
5:06
matters more than anything else how
5:08
something looks how we are perceived uh
5:12
we don't let anybody know our Dirty
5:13
Laundry we don't share you know what
5:16
happens in this house stays in this
5:17
house that kind of family culture is is
5:20
dysfunctional and so it ends up lending
5:23
itself to people who end up codependent
5:26
so that they can manage that environment
5:28
underlying problems might include
5:31
addiction uh by a family member to drugs
5:33
alcohol sex relationships work food
5:36
gambling but it doesn't have to it can
5:39
it can really just happen in a family
5:42
where someone has erratic Behavior or
5:44
unstable moods it can it codependency
5:47
can affect people who've been physically
5:50
abused emotionally abused or sexually
5:53
abused or it has happened in the family
5:55
system to another member so it doesn't
5:58
have to be that I'm an a family where I
6:00
was physically abused I could have
6:01
witnessed my uh one or more parents or
6:04
another sibling be abused or there could
6:06
be someone who had sexual abuse and
6:08
because of the way they show up we are
6:10
kind of tiptoeing
6:12
around we end up being codependent
6:14
oftentimes if we have someone in the
6:16
family system with a developmental
6:18
disability like autism everybody needs
6:21
to behave a certain way so that we can
6:22
decrease the distress our brother with
6:25
autism has and so we can't play music
6:27
like this and we can't go to park
6:29
because of the loud noises and so we
6:32
start to learn we have to behave in a
6:35
way to make sure they're okay and so
6:37
these sorts of uh family Dynamics
6:40
contribute to codependent behaviors and
6:42
it's just how we work unfortunately so
6:45
the good news is we can unlearn the
6:48
behaviors of our codependent traits
6:51
through one acknowledging that we have
6:54
them and learning why did we need them
6:57
and where did they originate and
6:59
ultimately what can we do in the now so
7:01
that we don't have uh to to deal with
7:04
these issues in our current
7:05
relationships so as I said these are
7:07
learned behaviors and they develop as a
7:10
result of survival to either manage an
7:13
environment with this perception of
7:14
control or to avoid or deny difficult
7:18
emotions behaviors of codependent people
7:21
can look a variety of ways but some of
7:24
them are Detachment or disconnection
7:27
perhaps lack of communication avoidance
7:30
of assertive
7:31
communication uh
7:33
distrust um maybe I have issues with my
7:36
identity who am I what do others think
7:39
about me Perhaps Perhaps uh emotional
7:42
development is hindered in my
7:44
dysfunctional family because we're so
7:46
busy dealing with the states of distress
7:48
and the members and our family that we
7:50
get a little bit uh thwarted in time and
7:52
we don't end up developing at the same
7:55
developmental rate for our age and so we
7:57
get a little bit stunted Co codependent
8:00
individuals often focus on caretaking
8:03
for the ill or the addicted family
8:05
member so one of the primary traits we
8:07
see with codependency is a bit of an
8:09
overfunctioning uh Behavior so this is
8:11
when I do for others things that they
8:13
are perfectly capable of doing for
8:15
themselves and I'm not doing it because
8:17
I'm motivated by kindness and compassion
8:19
and thoughtfulness I'm doing it because
8:21
I want to be a good mom or I want to be
8:23
a good sister or I want to be seen as a
8:25
good wife and my value is tied to what
8:28
I'm doing and so in order to be worth
8:30
something or to have be relied upon I do
8:33
these things because it it helps me
8:35
create insurance and stability and
8:37
relationship and It ultimately gives me
8:40
purpose so I don't have to sit in my
8:42
discomfort so that's one of the main
8:44
things that we see codependent people
8:46
often lose touch with their own needs or
8:48
maybe they never even developed them in
8:50
the first place so often times if I'm
8:53
severely codependent I don't know what I
8:55
like I don't know what I want for dinner
8:57
I don't know what my favorite things are
8:59
because my whole life I've spent looking
9:02
and sizing up the environment around me
9:04
and I'm trying to make sure everybody
9:05
around me is okay with the choices I
9:08
want to assess are they all right what
9:09
do they want for dinner what do they
9:11
like to do and I don't know how to
9:13
assess my own needs and I certainly
9:16
likely don't know how to take
9:17
accountability for them and assert
9:19
myself and ask for my needs because I
9:21
have not learned that my needs matter
9:24
equaly equally to the other adults in my
9:27
life and so we we lose a connection with
9:29
our own needs and a sense of self
9:31
because we've spent so much time
9:33
prioritizing the well-being of others
9:35
around us oftentimes people behave uh in
9:40
ways that indicate they have low
9:42
self-esteem against staying small hiding
9:44
in the shadows not wanting to be the
9:46
center of attention not wanting to draw
9:48
attention to themselves seeking external
9:51
sources to feel better so you know maybe
9:55
uh this is the validation or the
9:57
approval of others and I don't do
9:59
anything without saying is this okay is
10:01
that okay what do you think so I can't I
10:04
can't understand in a sense of myself is
10:06
this good enough I need somebody else to
10:08
tell me uh maybe a codependent person is
10:11
misusing or abusing substances or
10:13
struggles with addiction because they're
10:14
trying to manage the distress in their
10:16
bodies uh maybe there's compulsive
10:18
behaviors and oftentimes like I
10:20
mentioned before the caretaking can be a
10:23
compulsive uh behavior in someone who
10:25
struggles with codependency one of the
10:27
things that I see pretty often in this
10:29
can be hard to hear is we fall into a
10:32
martyr's role and we become kind of a
10:34
benefactor to needy individuals and so
10:36
ultimately I can stay in this poor me
10:39
State because I do everything for
10:42
everybody else and then I develop a
10:44
pretty significant amount of resentment
10:47
and so this is something you want to you
10:48
want to think about what is motivating
10:50
me to stay in the marter position and
10:53
what would my life look like if I fell
10:55
out of this and I ended up starting to
10:57
learn to set boundaries and saying no
10:59
when I mean no and only saying yes when
11:01
I mean yes what could that look like
11:04
other behavior that we often see is
11:07
rescue behaviors behaviors so this is
11:10
going to the school because my kid
11:12
forgot their homework over and over
11:14
again or when my kid gets in trouble I
11:17
enable their behavior and I go in and I
11:19
say well what did you do to the teacher
11:20
because they must not have heard you
11:23
it's not their fault so we contribute to
11:25
someone staying stuck and being uh in
11:29
being needy but also we contribute to
11:31
enabling destructive habits there's also
11:34
often times a driving uh deriving a
11:37
sense of reward from being needed so I
11:40
co-create this worth by staying in a
11:43
needy or staying in a position where my
11:45
worth is depending dependent on what I
11:48
do for others and I feel so full and
11:51
good because I'm needed and I'm valuable
11:53
because of that so my value and my worth
11:55
is dependent on others needing me and
11:58
then of course this compulsive
11:59
caretaking leads to a sense of help
12:02
helplessness in a relationship because
12:03
the truth is we don't have control over
12:06
the variables of other human we can't
12:09
predict or dictate what others do and so
12:11
those variables even when we over
12:13
function and caretake it doesn't
12:14
necessarily mean someone is going to act
12:16
and behave the way that we want them to
12:18
and so we end up feeling helpless
12:20
codependent people often see themselves
12:22
as victim and they can be attracted to
12:24
the similar weakness in others in their
12:27
relationships because it's familiar
12:29
some characteristics that people with
12:31
codependent behaviors have are that they
12:33
have a heightened sense of
12:34
responsibility for their actions uh or
12:37
the actions of others they tend to do
12:39
more than their fair share they tend to
12:41
show up when no one else will and they
12:44
think that they're the only ones that
12:45
can get something accomplished and that
12:47
they can't count on anyone else they
12:49
often times have a proclivity to blur
12:51
the lines between love and pity and
12:54
often gravitate toward people that they
12:55
can both care for and rescue which of
12:58
course course leads to that being needed
13:01
and my worth is dependent on rescuing I
13:04
have a role that I play there's a
13:06
consistent tendency to shoulder more
13:08
than their fair share and falling into
13:10
like I said that martyr role and a lot
13:13
oftentimes resentment there can be an
13:15
unhealthy Reliance on relationships with
13:17
a willingness to go to Great Lengths to
13:19
avoid feelings of Abandonment so I'll do
13:21
anything to make sure you don't reject
13:24
me and this can be really unhealthy
13:26
because it can contribute to behavior
13:28
that's not acceptable by another person
13:30
and because the fear of Abandonment is
13:32
so great I'll put up with way too much
13:34
because I'm AAR of afraid of the
13:36
abandonment and again this craving for
13:39
approval or acknowledgement can be a
13:41
characteristic that is pretty
13:42
significant in someone with codependency
13:45
uh traits one of the things I see often
13:48
is this sense of guilt when I assert
13:50
myself or guilt when I say no so if you
13:53
feel that that's likely uh contributed
13:55
to by having codependent traits and
13:58
there can be an overpowering need or
14:00
exertion to control others because we
14:03
don't want to deal with the distress
14:05
that they're in or underneath that is
14:08
the desire to avoid po potential
14:11
responsibility for having to clean up a
14:13
mess that somebody else makes there's
14:16
often times distrust in others or a
14:18
deficit in self-trust and like I said
14:21
before there's often times a deep-seated
14:23
fear of Abandonment or of solitude so
14:26
people with really anxious attachment
14:28
Styles often times have histories of
14:31
people not being very consistently there
14:32
or maybe not there during the most
14:34
critical times of their lives and so
14:36
they can be overly anxious um and
14:38
preoccupied with that connection and
14:40
fearful of Abandonment often times
14:42
there's challenges on identifying and
14:45
understand understanding one's own
14:46
emotions so uh I don't know how I feel
14:50
but I can spidey sense everybody around
14:53
me how do they feel and what do they
14:55
need and I am quick to jump and make
14:57
sure that the needs of other others are
14:59
met one of the characteristics that is
15:02
the most profound is inability to set
15:05
healthy boundaries in relationships or
15:08
establishment of healthy boundaries and
15:10
understanding what that looks like and
15:12
so many people misconstrue boundaries as
15:15
walls and they just put up hard blocks
15:17
but boundaries ultimately require a a a
15:20
way in we have to be able to find a way
15:22
in if it's a boundary otherwise uh and
15:24
it's a pathway to intimacy and
15:26
connection it's not a a way to just say
15:28
I'm not going to be around this person
15:29
anymore that's actually a wall people
15:31
misuse that word pretty regularly so
15:34
that's something to keep in mind if you
15:36
uh set up a wall in the guise of a
15:38
boundary if it doesn't have a a way in
15:40
to a pathway to connection which might
15:42
look like I want to be in relationship
15:44
with you but these conditions need to be
15:46
met in order for that to work for me for
15:48
me to be okay with what's happening so
15:50
we have to be able to say and assert
15:52
ourselves and what we need someone with
15:55
codependency traits can have persistent
15:57
feelings of anger or resentment and can
16:00
tend to be stuck under the guise of
16:02
falsehoods or kind of uh painting the
16:05
glass half full or uh bne Brown would
16:09
say Silver Lining a situation trying to
16:11
find the best of something and not
16:13
honoring the ex the the truth of an
16:15
emotional experience if it's painful
16:18
often times someone who struggles with
16:20
commu uh with codependency struggles
16:22
with communication and what I see most
16:24
is people will fall on the side of
16:26
passive aggressive Communications so
16:28
they've tried to stay small there's been
16:30
a buildup of so much time where they've
16:32
stayed small and then it comes out in
16:34
burst of aggression or they tend to uh
16:38
communicate in the in the way of
16:40
aggressive communication and they power
16:42
over or they bully or they dismiss or
16:45
shut others down when they're talking so
16:47
healthy communication is necessary for
16:50
part of the healing of codependency and
16:53
assertive communication is the key and
16:55
the Hallmark for that but often times
16:57
people have trouble making decisions
17:00
and ultimately codependency is a complex
17:03
issue often times it requires
17:05
professional help to address the issues
17:08
effectively but if you or someone you
17:10
know is struggling with codependency
17:12
traits they can seek therapy or
17:15
counseling there are several uh great
17:17
books that one could read if they're
17:19
struggling codependency no more is a
17:21
good one we'll drop those in the
17:23
comments below the subtle art of not
17:25
giving a f in its asteris as RIS CK so
17:29
that's a more recent one that's a really
17:31
pretty good read about how to deal with
17:33
codependency traits but ultimately
17:36
there's uh some strategies that can
17:38
complement help with a professional like
17:40
getting help with a in a support group
17:43
or dealing with things with education or
17:48
workshops or classes so now I'm going to
17:51
talk about some strategies to address
17:53
codependency so we talked about what the
17:55
problems are and characteristics and
17:57
behaviors of someone who struggles with
17:58
codependency but now we're going to talk
18:00
about some strategies to address it so
18:02
hopefully this helps you the first thing
18:04
is having self-awareness do you even
18:07
recognize these patterns in yourself
18:09
acknowledging that you might have some
18:10
of these traits and tendencies reflect
18:12
on your patterns of behavior both
18:14
independently and relation and in
18:16
relationships educate yourself you're
18:19
doing that right now you're learning
18:20
about codependency you're learning about
18:22
underlying causes you're understanding
18:25
how codependent Behavior can negatively
18:27
impact your life and relationships
18:29
learning how to set boundaries
18:31
establishing and uh enforcing healthy
18:34
boundaries is Paramount to recovering
18:36
from codependency so learning to say no
18:39
and learning to say yes only when you
18:41
want to without feeling guilty or
18:44
anxious self-care is critical oftentimes
18:47
codependency we are so focused on
18:49
everyone else that we forget to take
18:50
care of ourselves so prioritizing
18:53
self-care is necessary things like
18:55
exercise relaxation mindfulness reading
18:59
but making time for activities or
19:01
hobbies that bring you Joy and
19:03
fulfillment seeking therapy I'm a huge a
19:06
fan of practicing what I preach and so
19:08
going to therapy whether it's in a group
19:10
setting or support groups or individual
19:13
therapy building a support network of
19:15
friends and family that want to support
19:17
your Healthy nose and you learning how
19:20
to kind of put your oxygen mask on first
19:22
is essential to your recovery and like I
19:25
said attending support groups or even
19:27
social media groups where people have
19:30
some of these issues in common and you
19:32
can get some support from them learning
19:34
to develop Independence is pretty
19:36
important with this topic developing
19:38
your own interests goals identifying
19:41
outside things outside of relationships
19:44
that bring you Joy cultivating your own
19:46
sense of selfesteem that's not dependent
19:48
on somebody else needing you or other
19:50
people being okay and self-worth that's
19:53
independent from that external
19:55
validation is so critical improving your
19:57
Communications skills taking a
19:59
Communications course understanding that
20:02
assertive communication is the best way
20:04
to get your needs met it's not a
20:06
guarantee it's not 100% But ultimately
20:09
that's our best shot at getting our
20:10
needs met and then first knowing what it
20:13
is that we need in order to be able to
20:15
express that challenging the negative
20:17
thoughts that you might have about
20:19
yourself that contribute to codependency
20:21
like I'm not enough or I'm not a good
20:22
mom if I don't fold all my kids' clothes
20:25
and ultimately if I do that I'm going to
20:28
contribute to their inability to fold
20:29
their clothes as an adult when they're
20:31
dealing with all of their other UH
20:33
responsibilities and so we want to not
20:35
have enabling Behavior so we want to
20:36
challenge those negative beliefs and
20:39
replace those thoughts with
20:41
self-compassion we need to practice
20:42
Detachment so learn to detach from
20:45
problems or decisions of others that's
20:47
about them this is about me I'm separate
20:49
and apart from them and I can recognize
20:51
that I can't control or change the
20:53
behavior of someone else and there's a
20:55
lot of freedom in accepting that
20:57
gravitate toward and learning to have
20:59
healthier relationships so this can be a
21:01
hard or tricky part when you're learning
21:03
this because you may recognize that some
21:05
of the people that you're in
21:06
relationships with now are not healthy
21:09
and if you want to gravitate towards
21:11
people with healthier um behaviors and
21:13
less codependent behaviors sometimes
21:16
that creates uh disconnection or loss in
21:18
unhealthy relationships or tox toxic
21:21
relationships and then we want to
21:23
celebrate celebrate progress when you
21:26
have small wins we want to celebrate
21:28
that because these deeply ingrained
21:30
rooted behaviors that we learned
21:32
sometimes Generations old are hard to
21:35
change and so you want to give yourself
21:37
Grace and celebrate progress when you've
21:39
made progress because baby steps and
21:43
small wins it's progress not Perfection
21:46
so I hope that you've learned something
21:47
today about codependency how this
21:50
happens in our family systems
21:52
dysfunctional families how most of us
21:54
have somewhat dysfunctional families
21:56
even though we're all doing the best
21:57
that we can with what we learned um and
22:00
of course those learnings are often
22:01
times unhealthy so we pass those down to
22:04
Our Generations we also talked about
22:06
characteristics and behaviors uh that
22:08
are often accompanied with codependent
22:10
traits and then some strategies to help
22:13
undo these patterns of behavior in our
22:15
lives so thank you so much for tuning in
22:18
and I hope that you move forward and
22:20
Lead With Love it'll never steer you
22:23
[Music]
22:26
wrong
22:28
[Music]
22:41
you
#Mental Health
#Troubled Relationships
#Self-Help & Motivational