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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over, we’re talking about Preparing for Peace and Joy This Holiday Season, how to quiet the pressure, navigate expectations, and create moments of calm that actually feel nourishing. Because peace isn’t about doing it all; it’s about choosing what matters most.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Happy holidays. I'm so glad
0:14
that you're here with me today as we
0:16
head into this final stretch before
0:19
Christmas and the holidays. This week
0:21
can feel so magical, but it can also be
0:24
incredibly overwhelming with our
0:26
countdown and our timelines. And there's
0:28
pressure to finish shopping and wrap
0:30
presents and plan meals and, you know,
0:33
the expectation that we want everything
0:35
to be just perfect. And for some, this
0:37
season brings a lot of grief and stress
0:39
and complicated family dynamics. So
0:42
today, we're going to talk about how to
0:44
prepare your heart and your mind for the
0:46
holidays with a few themes. The first is
0:49
finding peace when the leadup feels
0:51
heavy. The gift of rest before the rush
0:55
and traditions and transformation
0:58
and joy and grief coexisting and then
1:02
most importantly choosing connection
1:04
over perfection. So if you ever feel
1:07
like you're sprinting toward Christmas
1:09
instead of savoring it, then this show
1:11
is for you. I know that historically the
1:14
pressure that I put on myself, that was
1:16
absolutely what happened for me. And
1:19
trying to make everything just right and
1:21
fair and even and lovely for all of my
1:25
kids was really a lot of work and a lot
1:27
of pressure and oftentimes pretty
1:29
expensive and it just took some of the
1:32
joy out of my sales. And so I hope that
1:35
this show helps you not have that happen
1:37
to you and helps you to recalibrate in
1:39
the final days before the holidays. So,
1:42
first we're going to talk about finding
1:44
peace when a countdown feels like
1:46
pressure and feels heavy.
1:49
So, during this week before Christmas
1:51
and the holidays, it can stir up a lot
1:53
of anxiety, uh, unfinished lists, things
1:56
that aren't done, family expectations,
1:59
family dynamics, or memories that hurt.
2:02
Peace doesn't mean doing everything. It
2:04
means choosing what matters the most.
2:07
And so this is about learning to let go
2:09
of things you can't control and adapting
2:13
and being flexible. So give you an
2:15
example. A person realizes the big
2:18
family gatherings trigger a lot of old
2:20
wounds and they choose a smaller dinner
2:22
with some trusted friends instead. Or
2:25
they stack some of their events with
2:27
other things they want in between. Or
2:29
maybe they don't say yes to everything
2:31
and they say no to some of the things.
2:33
Maybe someone skips the mall and the
2:35
chaos there and orders a few things
2:39
online and bakes cookies instead with
2:41
their kids instead of running to the
2:43
mall. And that helps to create some calm
2:45
and some connection. So it's about rep
2:47
prioritizing what works for you. So this
2:51
week, I want you to ask yourself what
2:53
actually matters to you. What's really
2:55
important? What's a deal breaker for
2:57
timelines? And then give yourself
2:59
permission to decline events that feel
3:02
like too much or draining. Uh maybe
3:05
create a grounding ritual, something
3:07
that helps keep you calm. Listen to some
3:11
music or light a candle or go for a walk
3:15
that's mindful and present. you know,
3:17
get off your phone and um just be in the
3:21
presence of yourself um in the weather
3:23
and the trees. Uh maybe use phrases
3:26
like, "I appreciate the invite, but I'm
3:28
keeping things simple this year, and so
3:30
I'm going to decline, but thanks so
3:31
much." Those are some ways that you can
3:33
set a few boundaries around the hustle
3:35
and bustle of everything that's going
3:37
on. So, I know for me, I love to rest,
3:41
but I find it hard to find time for
3:44
rest. And so you want to think about
3:47
rest is not laziness, it's preparation.
3:49
It helps you to refuel your cup before
3:52
the hustle. And so when you slow down
3:55
and you enter the Christmas with more
3:58
presents, more the Christmas season with
3:59
more presents and less burnout,
4:01
everybody benefits, not just you,
4:03
because your bandwidth is higher and
4:05
your capacity is higher when you have
4:07
more self-care and take care of what you
4:09
need to to maintain and preserve some
4:11
balance. You know, this might look like
4:14
a quiet evening with some tea and a
4:16
book, changing gears and watching a
4:18
holiday movie instead of doing a craft
4:22
or some art if that takes more bandwidth
4:24
from you. Or maybe instead of going to a
4:27
big group event, maybe you have one or
4:30
two small events with more intimate
4:32
time. Block some time for a nap instead
4:34
of squeezing in one more errand. That
4:36
pause can help you show slow down and
4:39
show up with more patience for everybody
4:41
later and again keeps you more in line
4:43
with your values of potentially being
4:46
kind and and having compassion. But if
4:48
you don't schedule downtime like you
4:50
schedule events, it's not going to
4:51
happen. So, if you don't have a lot of
4:54
time, maybe think about something you
4:56
can do for just a brief sensory break,
4:58
like grab a cozy blanket or a warm cup
5:01
of tea or some deep breathing, and just
5:04
take 10 minutes. And maybe you say to
5:06
yourself, I'm going to rest now so that
5:08
I can enjoy later more. And that might
5:11
be a nice little mantra to just recite
5:13
so that you have a more calm, quiet
5:16
season. So now I want to talk about
5:18
traditions and trauma and how we can
5:22
transform our traditions to be more
5:25
comforting if they're not. Some
5:27
traditions can create comfort and some
5:29
create stress. I know that I tend to
5:32
want to do lots of big fun things with
5:33
my family and then I get so wrapped up
5:36
in wanting those things to happen that
5:38
sometimes they fail. I can think of a
5:40
couple years ago, I was like, we're
5:41
going to go to this farm in the
5:43
neighborhood and look at the lights and
5:45
I want to do the zoo lights and I want
5:46
to do all these things and then because
5:48
I was so overwhelmed with all the
5:50
requirements of everything, I ended up
5:51
not getting tickets in time and then I
5:53
was really disappointed and I had shared
5:55
that we were going to do these things
5:56
and then I think family members were
5:58
disappointed and so this year I gave
6:00
myself permission to just have one event
6:02
that we were going to go to and I got
6:04
the tickets really early and then that's
6:06
it and I said whoever can um let me know
6:09
now and if they don't answer they're
6:11
going to be on their own getting the
6:12
ticket because I tried to prepare ahead
6:14
of time and that was the way I could
6:16
tolerate and have bandwidth to get it
6:18
done. So you need to figure out what
6:20
traditions you want to keep and decide
6:23
what needs to shift based on your
6:25
current capacity. It's fun to try new
6:27
things and I think it's really cool when
6:30
you just deliver it that way. Hey guys,
6:32
this year we're not going to do the zoo.
6:34
We're going to do a different place
6:35
because it's closer and I wanted it to
6:38
be more relaxed. Another thing that can
6:40
happen if you're in a big family is the
6:42
stress of gift giving. So, you know,
6:45
people could opt to change that from a
6:48
big gift exchange to just drawing names
6:51
or maybe even replace the gift with just
6:53
writing a gratitude letter instead of
6:56
providing a gift. And that way that
6:57
doesn't have any financial stress
6:59
associated. And that can be a shift in
7:01
your tradition that could be
7:03
transformative. The other thing you
7:04
might consider doing is opting out of
7:07
you know a big annual event with
7:09
relatives uh especially if somebody
7:11
mocks boundaries and create a new
7:13
tradition. U maybe it's a quiet dinner
7:15
with some friends in lie of the big
7:17
chaotic family event. But you have to
7:20
ask yourself, you know, does this
7:21
tradition bring joy or does it bring
7:23
stress? Or under what circumstances can
7:26
I enjoy this tradition without it adding
7:28
stress? And then figure out what those
7:29
boundaries are. Um maybe you have to
7:31
create new rituals that honor healing
7:33
like like I talked about in an episode
7:37
about gratitude. You know, maybe you
7:38
have a gratitude jar or you take a
7:40
nature walk. Give yourself permission to
7:42
change what no longer serves you and
7:44
invite new things into your life that
7:46
will be beneficial for the season. and
7:48
recognize that those things can change
7:50
depending on what you're currently going
7:51
through and what your capacity has for
7:54
you. And remember that just because
7:56
grief can come up for some people around
7:58
this, it doesn't mean joy can't coexist.
8:00
So thinking about like the week before
8:03
Christmas right now, it can often
8:05
magnify loss or you've you know if if
8:07
you've lost a loved one or a
8:09
relationship or a dream that didn't come
8:11
true, this can be painful. And so, um,
8:14
grief doesn't have to cancel joy and joy
8:17
doesn't erase grief. When you think
8:18
about like if you if you had that let
8:20
loss and this maybe is your first
8:22
Christmas without somebody, you know,
8:24
you can feel sad that they're not here
8:26
for the event, but you can also still
8:28
enjoy laughter while decorating cookies
8:31
or cry later when you pick up an
8:33
ornament that reminds you of them. And
8:35
you can have both emotions that are very
8:37
valid during times of loss. And the
8:40
reminders around the holidays can really
8:42
bring up some of those things. I've had
8:44
clients tell me in the past, you know, I
8:46
always get depressed in the winter. And
8:48
I start to get curious around what
8:50
happened during that season because
8:52
you've got a lot of stimulus that's in
8:54
the environment. The lights, the music,
8:56
the temperature, the way the colors that
8:59
um exist when people start to decorate
9:01
and all of those triggers present
9:03
themselves and can be reminders of a
9:05
painful thing that happened during that
9:06
time. And so I encourage uh clients
9:09
especially to work on those traumas
9:11
especially if you are activated so that
9:13
the next holiday season doesn't bring so
9:15
much pain or reminders. And so you want
9:18
to make sure that you're addressing the
9:20
pain points and using that heat to find
9:22
your way out of the pain for the future
9:24
if possible. The other thing you might
9:26
want to consider is practicing both and
9:29
thinking. So you can be excited for
9:31
Christmas and you can miss that parent
9:33
that you lost or that friend. Um maybe
9:36
you want to light a candle or create a
9:38
memory um or an ornament to honor
9:40
someone who's no longer with us. And
9:42
that could be something special to
9:45
positively impact your feelings of loss
9:48
and um bring some joy to the moment. And
9:50
that way you're also kind of sharing the
9:52
event with someone um and not carrying
9:55
it alone. You're putting it out there as
9:57
something that's going on and you're not
9:59
suffering by yourself, which is really
10:01
important.
10:03
Now the last one is a reminder. I I
10:06
wrote into the show specifically for
10:07
myself because this is an area that I
10:09
struggle with and I'm getting better.
10:12
It's it's progress not perfection, but
10:14
it's about connection over perfection.
10:17
So, this week especially, people can put
10:20
a lot of pressure on themselves for the
10:22
perfect holiday events and peaks. And of
10:25
course, we've got social media that's
10:27
constantly amplifying unrealistic
10:30
expectations and things being picture
10:32
perfect and having, you know, tables
10:35
perfectly curated and themes with our
10:38
presents wrapped flawlessly and family
10:41
photos that are absent of any issues.
10:44
And connection is much more important
10:46
than the aesthetics. And connection is
10:48
what nourishes us, not the perfect
10:50
picture or the perfect table setting.
10:52
And so when you think about connection,
10:54
you want to think about your priorities.
10:56
For example, you know, my mom used to
10:59
spend hours making everything so
11:01
perfect. And we would barely eat any of
11:04
the snacks that she put out because we
11:06
didn't want to ruin our dinners. And,
11:07
you know, she'd be exhausted and
11:09
irritable that she spent all this time
11:10
doing that and then also feel
11:12
unappreciated. And so I can remember one
11:15
year I said, "Can you just reduce the
11:18
amount of stuff that you put out because
11:19
I know that you kind of want to love us
11:20
all through our bellies, but we just
11:22
don't eat all of it and it's a lot of
11:24
work and time and energy you spend." And
11:26
so maybe you can let go of that
11:27
perfection and be with us and more
11:30
present more of the time as opposed to
11:33
making sure everything is perfect. you
11:34
know, thinking about you burn your
11:36
cookies that you make and instead of
11:38
being devastated that the cookies are
11:40
burnt, maybe you make a game out of it
11:42
and rate the charge charred masterpieces
11:45
who had the best one. And that could be
11:47
like a new memory that you created
11:49
related to the the cookies gone wrong.
11:52
And so again, it's about adapting your
11:55
perspective on the imperfect moments.
11:58
And Bernay Brown always says, "The magic
12:00
is in the mess." And I think that's a
12:02
really sweet metaphor for likely what's
12:05
going to happen on family experiences
12:07
where there's lots of moving parts. But
12:09
remembering that connection matters more
12:11
than perfection will definitely help you
12:14
through the holiday season when
12:16
inevitably the variables will happen and
12:18
things will go wrong. And think about,
12:21
you know, is this something that's going
12:22
to matter in five years from now? And if
12:25
it's not, this is something we want to
12:27
let go because we want to focus on being
12:29
present with the people that we love.
12:31
That's the whole point of it. And that's
12:32
what we would miss if we didn't have it.
12:34
So, as you head into this holiday
12:37
season, I hope that you find peace and
12:40
rest and connection. And remember that
12:42
joy and grief can coexist and traditions
12:45
can evolve. Give yourself permission to
12:47
do that if you need. Um, and you're
12:49
allowed to choose what feels comfortable
12:52
and safe and nourishing for you. So, if
12:55
this season you find this season that
12:58
way, drop some comments below about
12:59
things you do to help yourself with
13:02
managing the stress and expectations of
13:04
the holiday season and let's share
13:06
together other ways that we can benefit
13:09
from talking about this stuff. And if
13:11
this episode speaks to you, please share
13:14
it with someone who might need a little
13:15
extra care this week. And if you want
13:17
more trauma-informed tips on this,
13:19
please follow my Instagram, uh, Kelly
13:21
O'Horo, or check out my website or DM
13:24
me. I definitely interact with all of my
13:27
comments. So, thank you so much for
13:29
tuning in. I hope you have a wonderful
13:31
holiday season and you build in plenty
13:33
of rest and joy. And until we meet
13:36
again, don't forget to lead with love.
13:38
It'll never steer you wrong.