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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, we explore Making Friendships in Adulthood, why it can feel harder as we get older, what gets in the way, and the key shifts that help us build meaningful connections beyond small talk. If you’re craving real friendship, this conversation will show you how to step into the arena and find it.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks for tuning in to
0:14
Adaptable. Today I'm Kelly O'Horo, your
0:16
host. And today we're going to talk
0:18
about something that I've noticed that
0:20
I've been going through, and that's
0:22
making friends as an adult. It sounds
0:25
like it's simple, but it's not really
0:28
simple because we don't have all these
0:29
bakedin opportunities like we did when
0:32
we were kids to make friends. So, if
0:34
you've ever thought about like why is it
0:36
so hard? You're not alone. We all are
0:39
hardwired for connection. We crave it,
0:41
in fact. And we're wired for it. But the
0:44
older that we get, the harder it seems
0:46
to find our people. So, today we're
0:48
going to talk about why that is and how
0:50
to start building friendships that feel
0:53
way more lifegiving. so that you are
0:55
cultivating connection that serves you.
0:58
So, let's talk about why it feels so
1:00
hard to make adult friends. When you
1:02
think about it, we when we were kids,
1:04
friendships would happen almost by
1:06
accident, right? We're on the
1:08
playground, we're in class, we have
1:09
sports, but as adults, life gets way
1:12
more crowded. We have our careers. We
1:14
have our families. We have our
1:15
responsibilities. And we just run out of
1:18
minutes because all of these things
1:19
compete for our time, for our energy,
1:22
and for our capacity. So the thing about
1:26
that is is our needs for connection
1:28
doesn't go away just because we grew up.
1:30
And neuroscience talks about how we're
1:32
hardwired for this connection. We do
1:34
better in groups. The greatest level of
1:36
excitement and joy happens in connection
1:39
with someone else. And loneliness isn't
1:41
uncomfortable. It's dangerous. Our
1:42
depression gets higher. Our resilience
1:46
and lifespan shortens when we're lonely.
1:49
So, it's really important that you
1:51
prioritize this. And why is it so hard
1:53
as an adult? Well, we just have way
1:55
fewer built-in opportunities as an adult
1:58
to do this. We don't have home room
1:59
anymore. We don't have debate club or
2:01
band, right? We don't have these places
2:03
that we go where there's people that are
2:05
interested in the same things that we're
2:07
interested in. And so we have to work
2:10
harder to find opportunities and find
2:14
connection with people that might be
2:16
like-minded. And one of the things that
2:19
doesn't go away that happened when we
2:21
were kids, but there were a way bigger
2:24
pool of people to choose from when we
2:25
were in school is that fear of
2:27
rejection. Anytime we are going toward a
2:30
new person, we know we're going to deal
2:32
with potential rejection. If we're
2:34
interested in meeting somebody and
2:36
they're not that interested in us,
2:37
right? We've lived life enough to know
2:39
that it stings when someone doesn't
2:41
think we're their people even when we
2:43
want them to be our people. And then
2:45
there's the time issue, right? The
2:47
busyiness. We're all overcommitted,
2:49
overt taxed, and friendship takes time.
2:52
Cultivating time and connection can feel
2:55
scarce. And so, we definitely have to
2:59
prioritize and shift our time. Think
3:02
about the last time you met someone that
3:03
you liked. Maybe you were at work or at
3:05
a community event. Did you think I'd
3:07
love to grab a coffee with them, but
3:09
then you didn't ask? You never followed
3:11
through? So, there's this gap that we're
3:13
talking about where we run into people
3:14
that might be worth connecting with, but
3:17
we don't initiate that or take the time
3:20
to cultivate that potential relationship
3:24
and we sometimes are afraid to take the
3:26
risk. So, another thing that I love um
3:29
that I've recently explored was uh in
3:32
Mel Robbins uh let them theory, which
3:34
was proximity, energy, and timing. And
3:36
she talks about these three keys to
3:39
connection. And I've found that to be
3:41
true most of my life. Most of my friends
3:44
are people that I work with because I'm
3:46
there all day and I do things with them.
3:48
And we have our our passion and our
3:50
profession in common. And so, we've got
3:52
the energy expenditure, we've got the
3:54
proximity, and then there's the timing.
3:56
And so, you know, not everybody has a
3:58
place they can make friends with or is
4:00
is that interested in the people that
4:01
they work with. Um, I've been really
4:03
lucky because I've made great friends
4:06
with people I've worked with over the
4:07
years. But that proximity piece is
4:09
really kind of critical, right? You need
4:12
to be where people are that you might be
4:14
interested in because friendships don't
4:15
grow in isolation. We're not going to
4:17
make friends if we hang out at home.
4:18
We're not going to make friends if we
4:20
don't get in the arena where there's
4:22
other people. And then we've got that
4:24
energy piece which is about how we are
4:27
drawn to others. People are drawn to
4:29
warmth and curiosity and non-judgment or
4:31
openness. And so we have to show up with
4:34
that energy that says, "I want to know
4:36
you. I want to be curious about you and
4:38
I want to learn about you." And then of
4:40
course we've got the timing factor.
4:42
Sometimes it's just not the right season
4:44
for you or for them. And that's okay.
4:46
Just keep showing up. I know that some
4:49
of my friendships have definitely
4:50
faltered in this season uh recently for
4:53
me because I've been really
4:54
overcommitted with some caretaking
4:56
responsibilities and so I haven't really
4:58
had as much friend time and that's been
5:00
that's been hard. Doesn't mean I don't
5:01
long for it just means that we need it.
5:04
So I was thinking about a client who who
5:06
talked to me about a meetup. We have
5:09
well I think they're everywhere meetups
5:11
where you can join a group for tennis or
5:14
a group for hiking or a group for you
5:16
know let's say you're interested in
5:17
pottery or whatever. So you can join
5:19
these groups and then you can end up
5:21
being around people that have
5:22
like-minded interests. And so this gal
5:25
on my case load was talking about
5:27
joining a hiking group. And she was like
5:29
it changed everything. And she didn't
5:31
click with everybody, but there was a
5:33
lot of people and the proximity to a lot
5:36
of these people gave her more chances,
5:37
more people that were there interested
5:39
in what she was interested in. And then
5:42
of course she showed up friendly and
5:44
curious and energetic which helped her
5:46
to draw people in and helped her to
5:47
connect. And then of course timing, you
5:49
know, she's interested in hiking and
5:52
fitness and staying out when she wanted.
5:54
And so the repeated attempts at these
5:56
hikes gave her opportunity to land in a
5:59
friendship where there was another woman
6:01
in the group that was really ready also
6:03
for deeper friendship and connection and
6:05
now they're like best friends. And so
6:06
you've got to put yourself out there in
6:09
order to cultivate those relationships
6:11
and those friendships. And so now we're
6:13
going to talk about the emotional side
6:14
of things which is uh which is the
6:16
tricky part. And some of us are just not
6:18
willing to risk the rejection. But I
6:21
want to talk a little bit about why it's
6:22
really worth it. Um, as a counselor,
6:25
I'll tell my clients, I'm not
6:27
everybody's flavor. I'm not everybody's
6:28
cup of tea. And that's okay. And that if
6:30
we need to find another person for them,
6:32
I it's not personal. I totally
6:34
understand that. And the same thing goes
6:36
with friendships.
6:38
Making friends as an adult takes risk.
6:41
You might not be someone's flavor. You
6:43
might not be someone's vibe vibe. Uh,
6:46
you know, you might reach out and get a
6:47
no or several I'm busies in a row and
6:50
that might feel awkward or like
6:51
rejection, but here's the truth.
6:53
Everyone wants connection. Everyone,
6:56
there's no exception to that. And so,
6:57
you want to continue to keep trying and
6:59
reaching out. One of my best friends
7:01
ever is in my close, tight circle
7:03
because she was one of the first friends
7:05
that I ever had that that reached out to
7:08
me. We we first met many, many years
7:10
ago. uh we were out we were on a
7:12
vacation and we met at the beach and
7:14
afterwards she followed up with a phone
7:16
call let's get dinner and I thought no
7:18
one does that and no one takes the
7:20
initiative and she she was also a
7:21
planner and so it was really refreshing
7:23
for me to to meet someone who took the
7:26
initiative and it wasn't just me that
7:28
took the reigns and the opportunity for
7:30
connection and I was like so excited
7:31
about that and then what I learned was
7:34
through several meetings like that our
7:36
families had a lot in common our kids
7:38
were relatively the same age and we
7:40
developed a friendship ship and then we
7:41
started doing things like trips together
7:43
and we really um deepened our
7:46
relationship. But had we not come up to
7:48
each other, you know, at the beach that
7:50
day, this wouldn't have happened. But it
7:52
took that risk. It took that potential
7:54
for rejection and facing it because
7:56
that's what opens doors. So rejection
7:58
doesn't mean that you're unworthy. It
8:00
just means that there might be timing
8:03
issues for the person or maybe the fit
8:05
isn't just right. Just keep trying. That
8:08
reward is eventually a friend or friends
8:11
who gets you. And that is really worth
8:14
the discomfort because we really do
8:16
better when we do life with others. And
8:19
as we age, this is harder. And so
8:22
finding your people is trickier, but we
8:26
have to kind of reduce some of the
8:27
limitations that we used to put on our
8:30
choices. So, not necessarily thinking
8:32
people need to be the same age as you or
8:35
into the same, you know, faith as you or
8:38
necessarily the same interest. We want
8:40
to expand our circle of potential or
8:42
possibility when we're making adult
8:44
friends. So, start with some shared
8:46
interests. You know, join a book club or
8:48
a fitness class. I know that my husband
8:50
and I just recently changed locations
8:53
where we keep our boat and we're now
8:54
part of a yacht club. and we're going to
8:57
all of these events because it's giving
8:59
us a chance to meet new people and find
9:02
common interests with people and it's
9:04
been really really fun to explore new
9:07
relationships with people that I
9:08
wouldn't have had opportunities to do
9:10
that with. But we're part of a club
9:12
where people are all interested in
9:13
boating and water and there's a shared
9:15
interest and we've made friends that are
9:18
much younger than us and we've made
9:19
friends that are much older than us and
9:21
um what's really important is that you
9:23
don't limit yourself by age because some
9:25
of those rich friendships can really
9:27
span decades and that's kind of fun. And
9:29
I really enjoy, you know, the wisdom
9:32
from making friends that are older and
9:34
also the the vitality and the
9:36
vivaciousness of making friends with
9:38
people that are younger. It keeps you
9:39
wanting to stretch. one of my dear
9:41
friends is is quite a bit younger and
9:43
professionally we have a lot in common
9:45
and so we've really bonded over shared
9:48
values and shared interests and similar
9:50
personalities and and and over time you
9:53
know she's become part of an inner
9:54
circle that I value and so connection
9:57
isn't needing to be limited by age it's
9:59
about resonance it's about energy and so
10:02
make sure you don't limit yourself by
10:04
those things so here's some practical
10:06
tips say yes to invitations
10:10
do some inviting. Take the risk. Make
10:13
the phone call. Extend yourself. Invite
10:16
someone for a walk or for a coffee or to
10:18
a workout class. And, you know, use
10:20
technology wisely. They're not just
10:22
disconnecting. There's lots of apps and
10:24
groups that you can join that can help
10:26
you find like-minded people. I'm pretty
10:28
sure that Bumble even has a section on
10:31
uh Bumble friends. So, you can join
10:33
Bumble to um have like friend groups.
10:36
And so ultimately use some technology to
10:38
help. There's Facebook groups and Meetup
10:40
groups and all kinds of things where you
10:41
can join in your region wherever you are
10:44
to create connection with people that
10:46
have similar interests. And then of
10:48
course with making friends, you've got
10:49
to balance that vulnerability and
10:51
boundaries because friendship requires
10:53
vulnerability, but we don't want to
10:55
overshare. We can't hotwire connection.
10:58
And you want to share who you are, but
11:00
not share everything about who you are
11:02
at the beginning. you know, start small,
11:04
share a little, see how that's received,
11:06
and see how they share back because
11:08
healthy friendships take time and they
11:10
grow in mutual respect and in
11:12
reciprocity. And and although we want to
11:14
hotwire connection by sharing too much
11:16
too soon sometimes because we're lonely,
11:18
that's not necessarily a good foundation
11:21
for a true friendship. And so, we want
11:24
to pace ourselves with that. So, I know
11:26
this topic is tricky. I know that it's
11:27
hard. I've explored moments of feeling
11:30
really lonely because I work a lot and
11:33
knowing that I can't only make friends
11:35
at work and I can't only do things with
11:37
people I work with or I won't have
11:39
connections and friendships outside of
11:41
my work space and realizing that it
11:43
takes a lot of discipline to stretch and
11:46
to reach out and to cultivate
11:48
relationships that are not as proximity
11:51
or energy um or timing specific. and we
11:54
have to stretch a little bit so that we
11:56
can cultivate those relationships. And
11:58
you know, the other thing that you can
11:59
do even when you're not in regular
12:01
timing with people is just sharing a a
12:04
thoughtful text. I get a a a text from
12:07
one of my really dear friends where we
12:08
don't talk much or connect much, but she
12:11
just sends miss you and it's just out of
12:13
the blue and it always makes my day and
12:15
it makes me think of her and some of the
12:17
special time that we shared together.
12:19
And I think those are really sweet
12:21
moments that just say, "You're on my
12:23
mind and you're in my heart." And those
12:25
are ways that we can we can continue to
12:27
cultivate connection even when we don't
12:29
have a lot of time to commit to being uh
12:31
in in physical proximity or relationship
12:34
with people. The other thing you can do
12:36
is pick up a FaceTime call and grab a
12:38
cup of coffee and say, "You know, I
12:40
don't have time to go across town, but
12:41
I'd love to have coffee with you. you
12:43
make a coffee, I'll make a coffee and we
12:45
can FaceTime and share in a good um
12:47
laugh about what's going on with your
12:48
lives and connection and that way you
12:51
can continue to cultivate that time and
12:53
space together. So, I hope that you
12:56
found this helpful. I know that this is
12:58
a tricky topic and it is um you know
13:00
this is a a consensus reality. Most
13:03
adults think making friends as adults is
13:05
trickier, but we can do it. We can
13:06
stretch. We can risk vulnerability. we
13:09
can risk rejection and we can encourage
13:11
ourselves to be accountable that we will
13:13
do better in connection with people. And
13:16
so I challenge you to go out and stretch
13:18
and find more people to spend life with
13:21
if you don't have very many adult
13:23
friends. If you found this conversation
13:26
helpful, give us a like or subscribe. I
13:29
always appreciate that. It helps get the
13:30
information out further to more people.
13:33
And please drop us a comment if this is
13:35
something that resonates with you. And
13:36
if you have suggestions about things
13:38
you've done to make friends in
13:40
adulthood, please share it with our
13:42
viewers. We're all we're all looking to
13:43
learn together.
13:45
But until we meet again, don't forget to
13:48
lead with love. It'll never steer you
13:50
wrong.
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#Family & Relationships
#Self-Help & Motivational