Stonewalling: When Silence Becomes The Wall

0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks so much for tuning in
0:14
today to Adaptable Behavior Explained.
0:16
I'm Kelly O'Horo and today I think
0:18
you're really going to benefit from this
0:20
show. If you are someone that you know,
0:23
if you stonewall or if someone you know
0:25
stonewalls you and you don't know how to
0:27
break through that or how to deal with
0:29
the pain that that behavior causes, I'm
0:31
going to talk a little bit about the
0:33
origin of that behavior. About 12 months
0:35
ago, I did a show on the four horsemen
0:38
of the apocalypse. This is rooted in
0:40
John Gottman's research about really
0:43
what perils for couples and this
0:45
information applies to really all
0:47
relationships. So today we're going to
0:49
continue breaking down the four horsemen
0:52
of the apocalypse from that research.
0:54
And this episode specifically is about
0:57
stonewalling. For those of you who don't
0:58
know what that means, stonewalling is
1:01
often the most misunderstood of the four
1:03
horsemen. It looks like silence. It
1:06
feels like abandonment, and it can leave
1:08
the other person feeling anxious,
1:10
rejected, or really completely alone.
1:13
But here's something that's important to
1:15
know right up front about stonewalling
1:17
because it's rarely about not caring.
1:20
More often, it's about being
1:21
overwhelmed. So, today we're going to
1:23
talk about really what stonewalling
1:25
actually is and what it's not and how it
1:28
impacts relationships. Uh the attachment
1:31
styles that most often are associated
1:33
with that behavior, and then what
1:35
earlier experiences might wire someone
1:37
towards stonewalling as a defense. And I
1:40
want to help you understand how to tell
1:42
the difference between stonewalling and
1:44
healthy space and then how to repair a
1:47
relationship when this pattern shows up.
1:50
So I want to just start again with the
1:52
basics of what stonewalling actually
1:55
means according to Gottman. And like I
1:59
said, this is with the advent and the
2:01
popularization of social media and and
2:04
so many behavioral health or mental
2:05
health influencers. We've got a lot of
2:08
people that are saying a lot about these
2:10
concepts, but they don't necessarily
2:13
have them correct. And so with Gottman
2:16
research, basically stonewalling happens
2:18
when one partner or person in a
2:20
relationship either emotionally or
2:22
physically shuts down during moments of
2:25
conflict or in connection. And so this
2:28
can look a number of ways. It can look
2:30
like going silent. It can look like
2:33
avoiding eye contact. It can look like
2:35
leaving the room, perhaps flat or
2:38
minimal responses. It can look like not
2:40
responding to texts or phone calls. And
2:43
it can look like emotional withdrawal.
2:46
Stonewalling usually appears after an
2:49
emotional flood. So that means when
2:51
someone gets triggered, when their
2:52
nervous system is so activated that it
2:55
shuts down and feels like the only way
2:57
to survive the moment or to address the
2:59
situation is to do nothing at all. But
3:02
stonewalling is not thoughtful
3:04
reflection. It's not calm
3:06
self-regulation. It's not healthy
3:08
boundaries, although some people might
3:10
claim that when they're doing it.
3:12
Stonewalling is really a stress response
3:14
or a maladaptive adaptation to stress.
3:18
So, let me give you some examples of
3:20
what this looks like. Maybe a partner
3:23
raises concern and then the other person
3:26
suddenly goes quiet. So, attempts to
3:28
talk are met with I don't know or
3:30
whatever, which can sound passive
3:32
aggressive, but they're really just
3:33
avoidant. Conflict ends without the
3:36
resolution. And it's not because it's
3:38
solved. It's because one person kind of
3:41
disappears from the engagement
3:43
emotionally, physically, or you know, in
3:45
general. And so, stonewalling isn't a
3:48
communication problem. It's usually a
3:50
nervous system problem. And then once
3:52
that calms down, it's usually a
3:55
confidence problem. It's usually
3:56
something related to I'm not sure how to
3:58
work my way back. I don't know how to
4:00
address it. And so I kind of get
4:03
analysis paralysis on how to move
4:04
forward. So stonewalling is deeply
4:07
painful because the connection ends and
4:09
it's abrupt. And so for the person on
4:11
the receiving end of stonewalling, it
4:13
often triggers panic. And panic for
4:16
those of you who haven't been avid
4:17
watchers is really part of the grief
4:19
circuit. So there's a sense of loss that
4:21
happens when you go into panic. And
4:23
there's usually when panic attacks were
4:25
started, there was usually some kind of
4:27
loss that occurred in a person's life.
4:29
Just a fun fact about panic, it brings
4:31
up in people abandonment fears, you
4:33
know, being left alone. It can bring up
4:36
anger or protection related to the
4:38
injustice or the betrayal of the
4:40
experience. It can bring up desperation
4:43
and certainly a feeling of not mattering
4:45
or not being important. So, it's just
4:48
something to consider if this happens or
4:49
is a pattern in relationships. Those are
4:51
the things that it can bring up. Again,
4:52
if it happens to you, for the person
4:55
who's doing the stonewalling, it often
4:57
feels like, you know, the internal
4:59
dialogue might sound like, I can't do
5:01
this. I'm failing. I need it to stop.
5:05
And there's not really another way to
5:07
know how to address it that's more
5:09
functional or healthy. But over time,
5:12
stonewalling does damage to a
5:14
relationship. It erodess trust. It will
5:17
increase anxiety and resentment. And it
5:20
really fuels the pursuit withdraw cycles
5:23
and the negative interaction cycle in
5:25
Sue Johnson's work. We talk about
5:27
negative interaction cycles in
5:28
relationships. And so when someone
5:30
persists with stonewalling, it will
5:33
create the person receiving it usually
5:35
falling into a different negative
5:37
interaction cycle. And sometimes if it
5:39
happens often, it can make repair feel
5:42
impossible or pretty hopeless. And so I
5:45
want to share a few examples of what
5:46
this might look like. Maybe a partner or
5:49
someone in relationship, you know,
5:51
escalates to get engagement out of their
5:53
desperation and then the other person
5:55
might withdraw even further to reduce
5:58
the overwhelm. But the bottom line is
6:00
that both of the people in the
6:02
relationship really feel misunderstood
6:04
and they feel unsafe and they feel
6:06
unseen. And so stonewalling doesn't
6:08
create peace. It actually creates
6:10
distance. It doesn't help a relationship
6:13
in repair and it doesn't prevent this
6:16
from happening again. And and we need to
6:18
understand the origins of it because I
6:20
think where there's understanding we
6:21
have more grace and more compassion. So
6:23
stonewalling most commonly shows up in
6:26
people who have avoidant or dismissive
6:29
attachment. And sometimes they might
6:31
have fearful avoidant attachment but
6:32
it's not the most common presentation of
6:35
attachment style where that happens. And
6:38
most often in earlier childhood
6:41
behaviors that the person experienced it
6:44
uh as a result of this behavior of
6:46
stonewalling is that their emotions were
6:49
not welcomed or understood or met with
6:51
compassion and maybe even judged. Maybe
6:54
they were even shamed or criticized when
6:57
they had emotions. And so why would they
6:59
learn that if I come to you with my
7:01
emotional experience, you would then
7:03
hear me, see me, validate it. And so
7:06
that would be one adaptation is just to
7:08
avoid it alto together. Perhaps if they
7:10
did bring things up, a conflict would
7:12
have escalated instead of being
7:14
resolved. So this is someone who comes
7:16
to their parent or parents and says, you
7:18
know, this is an issue and then they
7:21
would be further criticized and maybe
7:23
even abused depending on the nature of
7:25
this of the experience. And maybe their
7:27
needs led to more criticism or even
7:30
further rejection. And so they would
7:32
then further shut down because the
7:34
message when a parent treats a child
7:36
like that is what you need or want
7:38
doesn't matter and I'm not here to
7:41
listen and if you bring it up to me it's
7:43
actually going to make it worse. And so
7:44
that's a learning that happens. And so
7:47
another adaptation would be like staying
7:49
quiet helps keep things from getting
7:52
escalated or making things worse. And so
7:54
if I don't even address it then maybe I
7:57
won't be part of the problem. So the na
7:59
the nervous system learned, right? We're
8:02
adaptive beings. That's what this whole
8:03
show is about is our adaptations. And so
8:06
the adaptation was learned. If I shut
8:09
down, I can stay safe. Internally,
8:12
stonewalling often sounds like I don't
8:15
have the words. This is too much. I
8:18
don't matter. I'm going to mess this up.
8:21
I'm going to make it worse. They won't
8:22
listen. They don't care. They're
8:25
impossible. and if I engage it will just
8:28
make it worse. It'll just explode. And
8:30
so for many people who have stonewalling
8:33
as part of their adaptation, that
8:36
silence was the only thing that meant
8:38
safety because they just don't want to
8:40
be part of the problem. And so when I
8:43
think about treatment as an EMDR
8:45
therapist, when you look at this
8:47
behavior from an adaptive information
8:49
processing perspective, stonewalling is
8:52
often rooted in those earlier
8:53
experiences where those emotional
8:56
expression would have led to danger or
8:58
shame or helplessness. And you know in
9:01
sitting across from clients for nearly
9:03
15 years now what I have learned that
9:06
when this happens in behavior and
9:08
relationship these people often grew up
9:10
in homes where there was intense
9:12
conflict where there was a lot of
9:14
absence where they were punished or
9:17
shamed for expressing their feelings. Um
9:20
or caregivers were just totally
9:22
emotionally unavailable. They were
9:24
distracted. They weren't present. They
9:26
weren't available. They weren't attuned.
9:28
and being overwhelmed by others emotions
9:30
without support leads to that. They
9:32
might have learned that disappearing
9:34
kept the peace, staying small, go alone,
9:37
you know, get along and go along. And so
9:40
those experiences form memory networks
9:42
and beliefs that are attached to those
9:44
memory networks that say conflict equals
9:47
danger. Emotions are unsafe. I need to
9:50
shut down to survive. I've got to go it
9:52
alone and handle it on my own. Nobody
9:54
cares and nobody's listening. So when a
9:57
current partner or someone in
9:59
relationship expresses distress, the
10:02
past gets activated and then the body
10:04
reacts before that adult brain can step
10:07
in. Stonewalling is often an echo of an
10:10
earlier time when there was no safe way
10:12
to stay present or to have needs met or
10:16
be addressed. And so oftentimes what
10:19
what happens is people will take space
10:21
to kind of figure out what's going on
10:23
with them because they were overwhelmed.
10:25
And I want to help you understand what's
10:28
the difference between taking space
10:30
versus avoidance because this
10:33
distinction matters. Healthy space
10:35
includes clear communication about that.
10:38
It talks about a plan to return. You
10:39
know, I need space and under these
10:41
conditions, I'm going to resume this
10:43
conversation. It includes emotional
10:45
presence even while you're in that
10:46
pause. And then it's got to have
10:48
re-engagement and a plan for
10:50
re-engagement. And usually this doesn't
10:52
look like days or weeks or months. It
10:54
looks like, hey, I need 20 minutes to
10:55
calm down, but I'm going to come back. A
10:57
lot of times when I work with couples,
10:59
I'll say, you know, just say, I love
11:01
you. I need a minute. I need to take a
11:02
pause. I need to take a beat. And I tell
11:04
them, walk around the block or go
11:06
outside and put your feet in the grass
11:07
or go out back and throw your legs in
11:09
the pool. do something that helps shift
11:12
that nervous system state from the
11:13
sympathetic to the parasympathetic
11:15
nervous system so that your prefrontal
11:17
cortex is back online and you can go
11:20
figure out what is it that I just felt
11:22
and what is it that I need to express.
11:25
Am I ready to do that? And sometimes
11:27
that takes time. But stonewalling kind
11:29
of includes an abrupt withdrawal, no
11:32
explanation or timeline, the emotional
11:35
shutdown, and then oftentimes followed
11:38
by a prolonged avoidance. And how that
11:40
feels is really hard to deal with, and
11:43
it's painful because the person
11:45
experiencing it, whether it's in a
11:46
romantic relationship or otherwise,
11:48
feels like, I've been abandoned. I don't
11:51
matter. We don't know how to solve
11:52
anything. We don't know how to repair in
11:54
conflict, and that can feel hopeless and
11:56
helpless. And so it's important to
11:58
recognize that that space regulates and
12:01
then that that the communication allows
12:03
for the connection to stay intact.
12:05
Whereas stonewalling disconnects. And so
12:08
if that's something that you do, it's
12:10
important to learn just one minor change
12:14
prevents it from doing as much damage in
12:16
the relationship, which is just the
12:17
communication. It's the I need that
12:19
minute. I need to take a beat. I'll get
12:20
back to you. And ultimately, this can be
12:23
healed. Stonewalling is not a permanent
12:26
problem. It is something that just needs
12:27
to be understood as that happens as a
12:29
nervous system response because repair
12:32
is possible but it does require some
12:34
structure and some safety. And most
12:36
certainly anytime there's rupture in a
12:38
relationship, compassion is really
12:40
necessary. So let me talk first to you.
12:43
If you're the person that stonewalls,
12:45
you are responsible to recognize that
12:48
you have early signs of flooding. This
12:49
is where your heart rate goes up. This
12:51
is where your blood pressure changes. Is
12:53
this where your muscles tighten? And you
12:56
need to name that. You need to say,
12:57
"Hey, I'm overwhelmed and I'm noticing
12:59
I'm shutting down." And then you take
13:01
the break. You say, "I need a break. I
13:03
need a minute and I'll be back soon."
13:06
Soon can be, you know, maybe you and
13:08
your your people that you do this with,
13:09
you say, you know, it's always going to
13:10
be at least 10 minutes. It's going to be
13:12
longer. I'll let you know. I need more
13:14
time. We want to make sure you're
13:16
practicing staying present in small
13:18
doses. You want to work on expanding
13:21
tolerance for emotional engagement.
13:23
Recognizing that if we don't put
13:24
ourselves in a position to stretch a
13:27
little, our window of tolerance won't
13:29
actually grow. We have to kind of take a
13:31
step in to the discomfort and practice,
13:34
especially when things are rooted in our
13:36
childhood. Today's outcome doesn't
13:38
necessarily mean that the same thing as
13:40
what yesterday's outcome would have
13:41
been. So, some helpful language if
13:43
you're someone who stonewalls might look
13:45
like, I need a break, but I'm not
13:47
leaving the relationship. this isn't
13:49
catastrophic. It can look like I'm
13:51
flooded. Can we pause and come back? If
13:54
you're with someone who stonewalls, this
13:56
is again, you're on the receiving end.
13:58
What we don't want you to do is chase or
14:00
escalate in the moment. You want to
14:02
avoid interpreting that silence as
14:04
indifference. This isn't a message that
14:06
says, "I don't care." You want to name
14:08
the impact on you later, but not during
14:11
the shutdown experience. You need to
14:12
make sure that the person is fully
14:14
returned. They're engaged. they have
14:16
their prefrontal cortex back online. And
14:19
you want to ask for structure instead of
14:22
intensity. So maybe some helpful
14:24
language might look like, hey, when you
14:26
go quiet, my system starts to panic.
14:28
It's really hard for me to tolerate.
14:30
Maybe you say something like, "I don't
14:32
need it solved right now. I just need to
14:34
know that we're connected and that we're
14:35
going to be okay. Can we agree on how
14:37
breaks work in the process of learning
14:40
how to move through this?" And that way
14:41
I have some understanding if I'm the
14:43
person this happens to about what to
14:45
expect. But in couples, I want to really
14:47
normalize those breaks as regulation,
14:50
not as rejection. Because I when I'm
14:52
trying to work with couples and I'm
14:54
trying to help them better understand
14:55
like it's okay to take a break, but if I
14:58
have someone with a really preoccupied,
15:00
anxious attachment, they can't tolerate
15:02
the break. And so that's the person that
15:04
pursues, that chases them down, that
15:06
won't let them alone, that won't give
15:08
them a moment or let them take a break.
15:10
And that creates more disruption because
15:12
that overwhelm of being chased to the
15:15
person who needs a break then creates
15:17
more disruption in their nervous system.
15:19
So that's what we really want to help
15:21
you understand is that that break does
15:23
not mean rejection. You want to create
15:26
some shared agreements for the pause and
15:28
for returning like this is the plan when
15:30
we're not stressed out and we're not in
15:32
conflict. And you want to practice
15:34
repair conversations after the shutdown
15:36
exists. So you want to really dig in.
15:38
Don't just let it go. brush it under the
15:40
rug. Because the brain is so cool in
15:43
that if you practice it and you end up
15:45
with a positive experience of the repair
15:48
cycle after the disconnection is
15:51
complete, then your brain starts to fire
15:54
and wire that data together that says,
15:56
"Hey, I can do this differently. I don't
15:58
have to respond the same way that I did
15:59
when I was a child." Because
16:01
stonewalling softens when safety
16:03
increases and the pressure usually makes
16:06
it worse. And so it's important to just
16:08
recognize this is a nervous system
16:10
response. And although that it's not
16:12
pleasant and it creates rupture and it
16:15
is really one of the most painful
16:16
patterns in relationships, but it's not
16:18
because of what's said, it's really
16:20
because of what disappears. It's the
16:22
absence. And the silence isn't the same
16:25
as not caring. It's not the same as
16:27
manipulation. It's often just that
16:29
nervous system saying, "I don't know
16:30
what to do. I don't know how to stay. I
16:33
don't know what to say." And so when we
16:35
can understand stonewalling through
16:37
attachment, trauma, and nervous system
16:40
regulation, it can stop being a moral
16:43
failure or a judgment to the person that
16:45
does it. It can become something that
16:47
you can work with. You can bring more
16:48
compassion to the repair, to the
16:50
connection, to the relationship. Healing
16:52
this pattern does take patience. It
16:54
takes clarity. It takes really
16:56
understanding which is why I think this
16:57
episode is important if this is
16:59
something you do or happens to you
17:01
because compassion for self and for the
17:03
other person is necessary to reduce the
17:06
occurrence of this behavior. So if this
17:08
episode resonated I would love to have
17:11
you share it with someone who might feel
17:12
stuck in this pattern and as part of
17:15
this series hopefully you're finding you
17:17
know your way in relationship
17:19
disconnection. And if you like the show,
17:22
make sure that you hit subscribe, like,
17:24
and share. We really appreciate the
17:26
support and I really appreciate you
17:28
listening and really, you should be
17:30
proud of yourself for being someone who
17:32
wants to improve these patterns in your
17:33
relationship. So, thank you. Thank you
17:36
so much for being here, for continuing
17:38
to do the hard work to grow. And until
17:41
next time, don't forget to lead with
17:43
love. It'll never steer you wrong.

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Stonewalling: When Silence Becomes The Wall

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