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Ever wonder if reaching out could fix a broken relationship… or make things worse?
Mar 22, 2026
Ever wonder if reaching out could fix a broken relationship… or make things worse?
This episode guides adult children through the delicate process of repairing relationships with parents who have caused distance or hurt.
Repair is an option, not an obligation. This conversation gives you grounded, compassionate guidance for navigating family estrangement.
Watch full video here: https://youtu.be/zcPF29uyzDc
#therapy #mentalhealth #familyestrangement #adultchildren #healingjourney #boundaries #relationshiphealing
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0:00
So, I want to give a little bit of
0:02
advice and support to those adult
0:04
children so that you can potentially
0:06
attempt to repair this. And I'm not
0:09
saying you have to. I'm just saying that
0:11
if they won't and you won't, then nobody
0:13
will. And somebody has to be brave
0:15
enough to extend the olive branch and at
0:16
least try if this is something that you
0:18
want. So, if and only if it feels
0:22
emotionally and physically safe, adult
0:24
children can attempt repair without self
0:28
eraser. You don't have to lose your own
0:29
identity. You don't have to succumb to
0:31
the wishes of your parents in order to
0:33
attempt this repair. And I think that it
0:36
is going to be uncomfortable, but we
0:38
don't grow without discomfort. And I
0:40
really believe that that resentment and
0:42
pain can't be healed without the
0:44
expression of the emotional experience
0:46
that one is having. And so, let me share
0:49
with you a few approaches that may be
0:51
helpful, that might resonate for you. I
0:54
think we have to be clear. Clear is
0:56
kind. You want to name the desire
0:58
without debate. I love you. I want a
1:00
relationship. I'm not asking you to
1:02
change your beliefs. I'm only asking to
1:05
stay connected. If you can name that
1:07
impact without accusation, then you have
1:09
a better in without closing that door.
1:12
You know, when I'm told I'm condemned or
1:14
cut off, it causes deep harm. And I need
1:17
respect to stay in relationship. And so,
1:19
can we agree to disagree on some of
1:21
these things while not abandoning our
1:24
relationship altogether? You know,
1:26
inviting without chasing repair requires
1:29
two regulated nervous systems. And when
1:31
one of us is in abandonment or rupture,
1:34
repeated pursuit without recognition of
1:38
accountability or without validation of
1:40
one's pain can be retraumatizing. And I
1:43
recognize that can be really scary. So I
1:46
I once had a client who who wrote this
1:48
lovely honest letter. She brought it in
1:50
and had me read it. you know, there
1:52
wasn't blame. There was an accusation.
1:54
There wasn't requirements of the
1:56
parents. She was very clear about naming
1:58
boundaries. She talked about her love
2:01
and it fell flat. It didn't end up with
2:03
any response. And because of that, she
2:06
stopped pursuing. You know, that letter
2:08
didn't fix everything. But for her, it
2:11
allowed her to use her voice. It
2:13
restored her dignity. It gave her an
2:15
honest ability to look in the mirror
2:17
with genuine authenticity and say, "I
2:19
really tried and I can't control the
2:21
outcome, and I didn't go in with
2:23
judgment or or any of those things that
2:25
would likely, you know, end up with a
2:28
rejection of that repair."
2:31
And there's still grief to be done, but
2:33
at least then it's not precipitated by
2:35
avoidance of trying to address it in the
2:36
first place. Now, that doesn't always
2:39
work. And so now we've got to talk about
2:41
when repair doesn't work and there's
2:42
grief and there's letting go. And a lot
2:45
of times there's a new identity that has
2:47
to be developed. And when this repair
2:49
doesn't happen, it's a hard road. And
2:51
we've got to say this because it's the
2:53
truth. And we don't say it enough. For
2:55
something new to be born, something old
2:57
has to die. And so adult children who
3:00
have this happen to them really have to
3:02
grieve. You have to grieve the picture
3:04
and the image that you had of the family
3:06
system that you always hoped you'd have.
3:08
Sometimes that means of partner
3:10
experiences of children and
3:13
grandchildren and all these generational
3:15
gifts that we imagine. And we can't have
3:17
that if we're not in relationship. We've
3:19
got to give up the fantasy of of
3:21
unconditional parental love. And maybe
3:24
this becomes a really beautiful teacher
3:25
for us as adult children to pay forward
3:28
into our own parenting experiences.
3:31
You know, we've got to give up the hope
3:32
that faith would bring closeness instead
3:34
of division. And that's where I see a
3:37
lot of spiritual or betrayal trauma in
3:39
highly religious families is the
3:41
hypocrisy that people name related to
3:44
God or Jesus really meaning to set an
3:47
example of unconditional love and that
3:49
not being modeled by their family system
3:51
that they proclaim is is their values.
3:53
The belief that being good enough would
3:55
eventually earn acceptance has to be
3:58
grieved as well. And so let me give you
4:00
an example. One time I experienced an
4:03
adult son who had this happen and he
4:06
said, "You know, I realized that I've
4:07
been living my life trying to be saved
4:10
by my parents, by God, by approval, by,
4:12
you know, hustling for my worth. And
4:14
when I finally stopped, that was when he
4:17
he said I felt free." And I think that
4:20
burden of begging for repair in that way
4:24
is exhausting. And so letting go is not
4:27
bitterness. It's choosing life over
4:30
endless self- betrayal and pain and
4:32
rejection. And so I'm not saying that it
4:35
always works out. Um, and when it
4:37
doesn't, we've got to think about the
4:39
path towards healing and wholeness and
4:42
reclaiming, you know, belonging and
4:44
wholeness to self.
4:47
And so recognizing that chosen families
4:50
are the people that we can then um
4:52
continue to pursue relationship with
4:53
when our family abandons us. You know,
4:55
that arangement can fracture identity,
4:57
but it can also really clarify it. And
4:59
there's a freedom in that. Healing adult
5:02
children often build that chosen family.
5:05
Like I just discussed, they redefine
5:07
their spirituality or their meaning on
5:09
their own terms. They can learn in their
5:12
own chosen relationships that worth
5:15
isn't conditional and they can develop
5:17
new relationships where they can have
5:18
that modeled and model it. they can
5:20
discover that they are lovable exactly
5:22
as they are. All the imperfections and
5:25
all because you're not unlovable because
5:27
someone couldn't meet you where you are.
5:29
And I think that can be an important
5:31
lesson through learning about this. So,
5:35
if you are an adult child who's been
5:37
abandoned by your parents or caregivers,
5:39
I just want to say I'm really sorry
5:42
because sometimes parents cut off
5:43
children too because of their fear,
5:46
because of their rigidity, because of
5:48
unspoken grief or belief systems that
5:51
confuse control with love. And sometimes
5:54
religion becomes a tool for condemnation
5:56
rather than connection. And sometimes,
5:59
no matter how much clarity or compassion
6:01
you bring, repair simply isn't possible.