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In this week’s episode, we explore the impact of parental abandonment, conditional love, and spiritual harm.
When love is tied to beliefs or choices, it can leave you questioning your worth.
This conversation is about understanding that pain and beginning to heal without abandoning yourself.
Watch here:
https://youtu.be/zcPF29uyzDc
#therapy #mentalhealth #conditionallove #parentalabandonment #spiritualabuse #religioustrauma #healingjourney #selfworth #traumahealing
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0:00
This feels like some kind of moral duty
0:02
from the child's nervous system. It
0:04
feels like abandonment and honestly
0:06
spiritual violence, especially if we're
0:08
coming from a place that God is meant to
0:10
love all. And when a parent wraps this
0:13
decision up in, you know, God's love for
0:15
us and then says, you know, that I can't
0:17
I can't follow through with this kind of
0:19
love. If you're behaving this way,
0:21
there's a real conflict with that
0:23
message. And the next thing that comes
0:26
up often is is the idea of control,
0:29
which is disguised as boundaries. For
0:31
those of you who struggle with
0:32
boundaries and are using the word
0:34
boundaries, I recommend that you check
0:36
out my episode on boundaries because a
0:38
lot of people are getting this concept
0:40
wrong. And boundaries always have to
0:42
have a doorway for connection. And if
0:45
they don't, or a pathway for connection,
0:47
if they don't, they're really a wall and
0:48
we can't call them what they're not.
0:50
Some parents confuse boundaries with
0:52
compliance. So, if you don't live
0:55
according to what I want or my beliefs
0:57
or the way I raised you, then I can't
0:58
have a relationship with you. And that's
1:00
not a boundary. That's conditional
1:02
attachment, a conditional affection, and
1:05
conditional love. And if a parent
1:07
refuses to attend like a wedding or meet
1:10
a partner or acknowledge grandchildren
1:13
unless the adult child repents, this is
1:15
really an abuse, a spiritual abuse, an
1:18
emotional abuse. And if this has
1:20
happened to you, again, I am so very
1:21
sorry for your pain and for your
1:23
experience. Often times there's there's
1:26
a lot of unprocessed disappointment and
1:28
grief from the parents perspective
1:30
related to their dreams and their goals
1:32
and their desires for their child. And
1:34
when then they see their children grow
1:36
up and not fit the mold that they had
1:39
imagined that they would they would fall
1:41
into, they often grieve a child that
1:44
they didn't imagined.
1:46
And they don't name that grief. And so
1:48
they don't have a way to say or explain
1:51
or express their experience. And I
1:54
believe that most adult children really
1:56
do want parents of adult children really
1:59
do want to be in a relationship with
2:02
their children that becomes, you know,
2:04
symbiotic and in a in a more of a
2:06
friendship manner as they age out of our
2:09
need and our care, our required care.
2:11
But they don't have the skills to say
2:13
things like, "I'm scared. I don't know
2:14
what to do with my fear. I don't know
2:16
how to reconcile, you know, my beliefs
2:18
with my love for you and I feel this
2:20
internal conflict. So instead of
2:23
learning how to address that or deal
2:25
with it, they withdraw and then silence
2:27
becomes the solution to this internal
2:29
conflict. And this doesn't help the
2:31
child and it certainly doesn't help the
2:33
adult, but it comes with a lot of
2:35
damage. And so what often goes unspoken
2:38
is what we're going to talk about now.
2:40
And there's a tragedy here because many
2:42
parents never even communicate their
2:45
actual needs, their actual fears, their
2:48
recognition of failed expectations. They
2:51
don't say, "I'm afraid I failed you,"
2:53
or, "I'm afraid that, you know, I've
2:55
fallen short," or that, you know, you
2:57
wouldn't have strayed if I had done more
3:00
to be there for you. They don't know how
3:02
to say, "I don't know how to love you
3:04
and still belong to my community." The
3:06
fear I have of the judgment around me,
3:08
you know, paralyzes me. They don't know
3:10
how to say those things. Sometimes
3:12
people have this feeling of that they're
3:15
going to be punished by God. And they
3:17
don't know how to say, "I'm scared that
3:19
God will punish me if I stay close to
3:21
you because it's like abandoning my
3:22
faith or my beliefs." And instead of
3:25
parents expressing this, you know, this
3:28
stuff, they the adult children are left
3:30
to fill in the blanks. And almost always
3:33
that blank includes shame. So, I'm going
3:36
to share with you an example about, you
3:38
know, the um adult daughter that once
3:41
told me, she says, "I could handle the
3:43
disagreement. I could handle that I
3:45
didn't fit into their cookie cutter
3:46
mold, but what I couldn't handle was
3:49
being treated like I was somehow
3:50
dangerous to love or that I wasn't the
3:53
child that they had raised and that we
3:55
had had so much history of affection and
3:57
connection and that I just suddenly lost
3:59
that." And there's so much trauma
4:01
involved with that and having to clean
4:04
that up as a child even though they're
4:06
they're adults is really painful and
4:08
it's really hard. So, I want to give a
4:12
little bit of advice and support to
4:14
those adult children so that you can
4:16
potentially attempt to repair this. And
4:18
I'm not saying you have to. I'm just
4:20
saying that if they won't and you won't,
4:23
then nobody will. And somebody has to be
4:25
brave enough to extend the olive branch
4:26
and at least try if this is something
4:28
that you want. So if and only if it
4:31
feels emotionally and physically safe,
4:34
adult children can attempt repair
4:37
without self- eraser. You don't have to
4:39
lose your own identity. You don't have
4:40
to succumb to the wishes of your parents
4:43
in order to attempt this repair. And I
4:45
think that it is going to be
4:47
uncomfortable, but we don't grow without
4:49
discomfort. And I really believe that
4:51
that resentment and pain can't be healed
4:54
without the expression of the emotional
4:56
experience that one is having. And so
4:58
let me share with you a few approaches
5:00
that may be helpful that might resonate
5:02
for you.
5:04
I think we have to be clear. Clear is
5:06
kind. You want to name the desire
5:08
without debate. I love you. I want a
5:10
relationship. I'm not asking you to
5:12
change your beliefs. I'm only asking to
5:15
stay connected. If you can name that
5:17
impact without accusation, then you have
5:19
a better in without closing that door.
5:22
You know, when I'm told I'm condemned or
5:24
cut off, it causes deep harm and I need
5:27
respect to stay in relationship. And so,
5:30
can we agree to disagree on some of
5:31
these things while not abandoning our
5:34
relationship altogether? You know,
5:36
inviting without chasing repair requires
5:39
two regulated nervous systems. And when
5:41
one of us is in abandonment or rupture,
5:44
repeated pursuit without recognition of
5:48
accountability or without validation of
5:50
one's pain can be retraumatizing. And I
5:53
recognize that can be really scary. So I
5:56
I once had a client who who wrote this
5:58
lovely honest letter. She brought it in
6:00
and had me read it. You know, there
6:02
wasn't blame. There wasn't accusation.
6:05
There wasn't requirements of the
6:06
parents. She was very clear about naming
6:08
boundaries. She talked about her love
6:11
and it fell flat. It didn't end up with
6:13
any response. And because of that, she
6:16
stopped pursuing. You know, that letter
6:18
didn't fix everything. But for her, it
6:21
allowed her to use her voice. It
6:23
restored her dignity. It gave her an
6:26
honest ability to look in the mirror
6:28
with genuine authenticity and say, "I
6:30
really tried and I can't control the
6:32
outcome and I didn't go in with judgment
6:34
or or any of those things that would
6:36
likely, you know, end up with a
6:39
rejection of that repair."
6:41
And there's still grief to be done, but
6:43
at least then it's not precipitated by
6:45
avoidance of trying to address it in the
6:47
first place. Now, that doesn't always
6:49
work. And so now we've got to talk about
6:51
when repair doesn't work and there's
6:53
grief and there's letting go and a lot
6:55
of times there's a new identity that has
6:57
to be developed. And when this repair
6:59
doesn't happen, it's a hard road. And
7:01
we've got to say this because it's the
7:03
truth. And we don't say it enough. For
7:05
something new to be born, something old
7:07
has to die. And so adult children who
7:11
have this happened to them really have
7:12
to grieve.
#Depression
#Troubled Relationships
#Counseling Services