How to Cope When Parents Cut Off Adult Children

0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks so much for tuning in
0:14
today. The topic we're going to discuss
0:15
is important and if you're an adult who
0:18
had been cut off by your parents, then
0:20
this show is for you. We're going to
0:22
talk about ways to cope and navigate
0:23
this, why it happens, and some helpful
0:26
ways to heal and move through this
0:28
painful path. I've got with me Sammy who
0:31
will be joining us today and uh she
0:34
likes to sit next to me when I'm
0:35
working. So, we decided not to fight it.
0:37
So, she may hang out, she may leave.
0:38
We'll see what happens. As we move
0:40
forward today, we're going to discuss,
0:42
like I said, this painful topic of when,
0:44
you know, parents cut off their adult
0:46
children. And I have to thank one of our
0:48
audience members who commented that it
0:50
wasn't fair that I didn't talk about the
0:52
other side of the show. We did a show
0:54
where kids are adult children estrange
0:56
from their own parents and I talked
0:59
about that in a show but I didn't talk
1:00
about when it happens the other way
1:01
around and I thanked her and I said
1:03
let's do it. So here's the accompanying
1:05
episode for that concept because it's
1:07
not just kids that cut off their
1:09
parents. It's also adults that sometimes
1:11
do the same thing. And for those of you
1:14
who are new to the show, I appreciate
1:15
you tuning in. This show is all about
1:17
helping people understand how behavior
1:20
affects us and different things around
1:22
adaptability and human behavior. And so
1:25
I want you to sit with this when you
1:27
think about this and let me know what
1:29
happens to you. I want you to
1:30
contemplate something. What happens when
1:33
the people who taught you what love was
1:35
decide that your choices make you
1:37
unworthy of love? This is a really
1:39
painful experience that I often hear in
1:41
my practice. And the messages when an
1:44
adult or a parent cuts off a child or or
1:47
is critical or intermittently
1:50
unsupportive, what we learn is that our
1:52
love is conditional and our worth is
1:54
conditional. And so if you're an adult
1:56
child who's been cut off, emotionally
1:58
abandoned or, you know, condemned by a
2:00
parent or a caregiver for the choices
2:02
that you've made, especially under the
2:04
banner of love or values or faith, then
2:08
you're going to really get a lot out of
2:09
this show. And today we're going to talk
2:11
about why parents sometimes cut off
2:13
adult children. How sometimes religion
2:16
or fear and control can get intertwined
2:19
and sometimes misguided. And what often
2:22
goes unspoken in these decisions. We're
2:24
going to talk about how adult children
2:26
can attempt repair without abandoning
2:28
themselves. What we mean by this is we
2:30
don't want to have to shapeshift in
2:32
order to fit into the lives of the
2:34
people that are supposed to love us
2:35
unconditionally. And we're going to talk
2:37
about when repair isn't possible, how to
2:39
grieve, how to let go and still fully
2:43
live even in the absence of the people
2:45
that we really wanted to be in our
2:47
corner and be supportive. So, this is a
2:49
tender conversation. It is not full of a
2:51
lot of joy and happiness, but it is
2:53
unfortunately something that a lot of
2:55
people experience. And so, I want you to
2:57
know that you're not alone in this. And
2:59
so, oftentimes this happens gradual or
3:02
not suddenly. And we want to really get
3:06
honest and transparent about naming the
3:08
experience of being cut off from a
3:11
family member. So when parents cut off
3:13
adult children, the pain is often quiet.
3:16
It's isolating and a lot of times
3:18
invisible. There's and there's no road
3:20
map for this grief. There's no sympathy
3:22
cards. There's no really right thing to
3:25
say if this is something that has
3:27
happened to you. The adult child often
3:29
experiences attachment injury. You know,
3:32
these are the people that were supposed
3:34
to be in our corner come rain or shine
3:36
and thick and thin. And when they don't,
3:38
it's really damaging to us. Sometimes we
3:40
can end up in shame or self-lame. If
3:43
this has happened, there can be
3:44
spiritual confusion, especially if the
3:46
abandonment or estrangement is under the
3:48
guise of of of a faith or religion. And
3:51
that can create a lot of betrayal,
3:53
trauma related to faith itself as well
3:55
as the family system from which people
3:57
come. And there's definitely a profound
4:00
sense of being emotionally orphaned. You
4:03
know, it's one thing to move on and
4:05
leave the nest and come up with our own
4:08
path in life as we become adult
4:10
children, but it's another thing when
4:12
our family doesn't support the choices
4:14
that we make. And as a parent of several
4:17
adult children, what I can say is that
4:20
is really hard sometimes to watch from
4:22
the sidelines as our children make
4:24
choices that, you know, we can see may
4:27
cause pain or be difficult to handle.
4:30
And I can really resonate with parents
4:32
who want to white knuckle the decisions
4:34
that their kids are making. But the
4:36
fastest way to alienate them is to try
4:39
to control the behavior that they have.
4:41
I once had a client that said, you know,
4:43
it's not just that my parents stopped
4:46
talking to me. It's that they decided I
4:48
wasn't even worth saving or that I
4:49
wasn't worth loving when the decisions I
4:51
made didn't align with what they want.
4:53
And that kind of loss doesn't just hurt.
4:56
It reorganizes how someone understands
4:58
love and belonging and safety. And so,
5:01
it's really critical when this happens.
5:04
And I got to say that I've had many
5:06
adults on my case load, other people
5:08
that I've listened to talk about this
5:10
and many parents feel justified in
5:13
cutting off their children. I can't
5:14
really understand this from a parent
5:17
perspective. I can understand
5:18
boundaries. I can understand the need to
5:20
maybe create some distance if our
5:22
children are making decisions that are
5:24
hard to watch and they're not interested
5:27
in our honest or authentic feedback. But
5:30
it's a complex matter and most parents
5:32
don't experience their decision as
5:34
cruelty. They experience it as
5:37
righteousness or protection or kind of
5:40
the idea that they're obedient. And
5:43
especially if something like religion is
5:45
involved and some of the most common
5:47
reasons that parents may cut off adult
5:50
children are many, but the ones that
5:52
I've heard the most are usually related
5:54
to religious fear that's framed as love.
5:57
Some belief systems, parents are taught
5:59
that their child's choices endanger
6:01
their soul and that if they tolerate or
6:04
support a child's choices that it equals
6:07
endorsement. And I think that there's a
6:10
common misnomer around acceptance with
6:12
something and not necessarily meaning
6:15
that we agree with it. And I think that
6:17
parents who are struggling with this, I
6:19
hope you hear me, we cannot agree with a
6:21
decision that our children make and
6:22
still love them. So we can tolerate
6:24
something because we love the person and
6:26
not tolerate a choice or a behavior.
6:28
Some people also believe that continuing
6:31
you know the relationship equals
6:33
spiritual failure and somehow they will
6:35
be judged in the afterlife related to
6:38
that. So I want to share with you a
6:40
family system that I experienced this
6:42
with and a parent said something almost
6:45
directly like you know I love you too
6:47
much to support a lifestyle that will
6:49
send you to hell. And what follows for
6:52
that child is pain, as pressure, feeling
6:56
condemnation, the, you know, the prayer
6:59
campaigns that that follow in groups
7:01
with the parents, ultimatums, and then
7:04
eventually silence when the child
7:06
doesn't comply are an incredibly painful
7:08
process because the child leaves, you
7:10
know, feeling unheard, unseen, unwanted,
7:13
and really lacking in witness to their
7:15
experience. But from the parents nervous
7:18
system, this feels like some kind of
7:20
moral duty. From the child's nervous
7:22
system, it feels like abandonment and
7:25
honestly spiritual violence. Especially
7:27
if we're coming from a place that God is
7:28
meant to love all. And when a parent
7:31
wraps this decision up in, you know,
7:33
God's love for us and then says, you
7:36
know, that I can't I can't follow
7:37
through with this kind of love. If
7:39
you're behaving this way, there's a real
7:41
conflict with that message. And the next
7:44
thing that comes up often is is the idea
7:47
of control, which is disguised as
7:49
boundaries. For those of you who
7:51
struggle with boundaries and are using
7:52
the word boundaries, I recommend that
7:55
you check out my episode on boundaries
7:56
because a lot of people are getting this
7:58
concept wrong. And boundaries always
8:01
have to have a doorway for connection.
8:03
And if they don't, or a pathway for
8:05
connection, if they don't, they're
8:07
really a wall and we can't call them
8:08
what they're not. Some parents confuse
8:11
boundaries with compliance. So, if you
8:13
don't live according to what I want or
8:15
my beliefs or the way I raised you, then
8:17
I can't have a relationship with you.
8:19
And that's not a boundary. That's
8:21
conditional attachment, a conditional
8:23
affection, and conditional love. And if
8:26
a parent refuses to attend like a
8:28
wedding or meet a partner or acknowledge
8:31
grandchildren unless the adult child
8:33
repents, this is really an abuse, a
8:36
spiritual abuse, an emotional abuse. And
8:38
if this has happened to you, again, I am
8:40
so very sorry for your pain and for your
8:42
experience. Often times there's there's
8:45
a lot of unprocessed disappointment and
8:47
grief from the parents perspective
8:49
related to their dreams and their goals
8:51
and their desires for their child. And
8:53
when then they see their children grow
8:56
up and not fit the mold that they had
8:58
imagined that they would they would fall
9:00
into, they often grieve a child that
9:03
they didn't imagined.
9:05
And they don't name that grief. And so
9:07
they don't have a way to say or explain
9:10
or express their experience. And I
9:13
believe that most adult children really
9:15
do want parents of adult children really
9:18
do want to be in a relationship with
9:21
their children that becomes, you know,
9:23
symbiotic and in a in a more of a
9:25
friendship manner as they age out of our
9:28
need and our care, our required care.
9:30
But they don't have the skills to say
9:32
things like, "I'm scared. I don't know
9:33
what to do with my fear. I don't know
9:35
how to reconcile, you know, my beliefs
9:38
with my love for you and I feel this
9:39
internal conflict. So instead of
9:42
learning how to address that or deal
9:44
with it, they withdraw and then silence
9:46
becomes the solution to this internal
9:48
conflict. And this doesn't help the
9:50
child and it certainly doesn't help the
9:52
adult, but it comes with a lot of
9:54
damage. And so what often goes unspoken
9:57
is what we're going to talk about now.
9:59
And there's a tragedy here because many
10:02
parents never even communicate their
10:04
actual needs, their actual fears, their
10:07
recognition of failed expectations. They
10:10
don't say, "I'm afraid I failed you,"
10:12
or, "I'm afraid that, you know, I've
10:14
fallen short," or that, you know, you
10:16
wouldn't have strayed if I had done more
10:19
to be there for you. They don't know how
10:21
to say, "I don't know how to love you
10:23
and still belong to my community." The
10:25
fear I have of the judgment around me,
10:27
you know, paralyzes me. They don't know
10:29
how to say those things. Sometimes
10:31
people have this feeling of that they're
10:34
going to be punished by God. And they
10:36
don't know how to say, "I'm scared that
10:38
God will punish me if I stay close to
10:40
you because it's like abandoning my
10:42
faith or my beliefs." And instead of
10:44
parents expressing this, you know, this
10:47
stuff, they the adult children are left
10:49
to fill in the blanks. And almost always
10:52
that blank includes shame. So, I'm going
10:55
to share with you an example about, you
10:57
know, the um adult daughter that once
11:00
told me, she says, "I could handle the
11:02
disagreement. I could handle that I
11:04
didn't fit into their cookie cutter
11:05
mold, but what I couldn't handle was
11:08
being treated like I was somehow
11:10
dangerous to love or that I wasn't the
11:12
child that they had raised and that we
11:14
had had so much history of affection and
11:16
connection and that I just suddenly lost
11:18
that." And there's so much trauma
11:20
involved with that and having to clean
11:23
that up as a child even though they're
11:25
they're adults is really painful and
11:27
it's really hard. So, I want to give a
11:31
little bit of advice and support to
11:33
those adult children so that you can
11:35
potentially attempt to repair this. And
11:37
I'm not saying you have to. I'm just
11:39
saying that if they won't and you won't,
11:42
then nobody will. And somebody has to be
11:44
brave enough to extend the olive branch
11:46
and at least try if this is something
11:47
that you want. So if and only if it
11:50
feels emotionally and physically safe,
11:53
adult children can attempt repair
11:56
without self- eraser. You don't have to
11:58
lose your own identity. You don't have
12:00
to succumb to the wishes of your parents
12:02
in order to attempt this repair. And I
12:04
think that it is going to be
12:06
uncomfortable, but we don't grow without
12:08
discomfort. And I really believe that
12:10
that resentment and pain can't be healed
12:13
without the expression of the emotional
12:15
experience that one is having. And so
12:18
let me share with you a few approaches
12:19
that may be helpful that might resonate
12:21
for you.
12:23
I think we have to be clear. Clear is
12:25
kind. You want to name the desire
12:27
without debate. I love you. I want a
12:30
relationship. I'm not asking you to
12:32
change your beliefs. I'm only asking to
12:34
stay connected. If you can name that
12:36
impact without accusation, then you have
12:38
a better in without closing that door.
12:41
You know, when I'm told I'm condemned or
12:43
cut off, it causes deep harm and I need
12:46
respect to stay in relationship. And so,
12:49
can we agree to disagree on some of
12:50
these things while not abandoning our
12:53
relationship altogether? You know,
12:55
inviting without chasing repair requires
12:58
two regulated nervous systems. And when
13:00
one of us is in abandonment or rupture,
13:03
repeated pursuit without recognition of
13:07
accountability or without validation of
13:10
one's pain can be retraumatizing. And I
13:12
recognize that can be really scary. So I
13:15
I once had a client who who wrote this
13:17
lovely honest letter. She brought it in
13:19
and had me read it. You know, there
13:21
wasn't blame. There wasn't accusation.
13:24
There wasn't requirements of the
13:25
parents. She was very clear about naming
13:28
boundaries. She talked about her love
13:30
and it fell flat. It didn't end up with
13:32
any response. And because of that, she
13:35
stopped pursuing. You know, that letter
13:37
didn't fix everything. But for her, it
13:40
allowed her to use her voice. It
13:42
restored her dignity. It gave her an
13:45
honest ability to look in the mirror
13:47
with genuine authenticity and say, "I
13:49
really tried and I can't control the
13:51
outcome and I didn't go in with judgment
13:53
or or any of those things that would
13:55
likely, you know, end up with a
13:58
rejection of that repair."
14:00
And there's still grief to be done, but
14:02
at least then it's not precipitated by
14:04
avoidance of trying to address it in the
14:06
first place. Now, that doesn't always
14:08
work. And so now we've got to talk about
14:10
when repair doesn't work and there's
14:12
grief and there's letting go. And a lot
14:14
of times there's a new identity that has
14:16
to be developed. And when this repair
14:18
doesn't happen, it's a hard road. And
14:20
we've got to say this because it's the
14:22
truth. And we don't say it enough. For
14:24
something new to be born, something old
14:26
has to die. And so adult children who
14:30
have this happen to them really have to
14:32
grieve. You have to grieve the picture
14:34
and the image that you had of the family
14:36
system that you always hoped you'd have.
14:38
Sometimes that means of partner
14:40
experiences of children and
14:42
grandchildren and all these generational
14:44
gifts that we imagine. And we can't have
14:47
that if we're not in relationship. We've
14:48
got to give up the fantasy of of
14:51
unconditional parental love. And maybe
14:53
this becomes a really beautiful teacher
14:55
for us as adult children to pay forward
14:57
into our own parenting experiences.
15:00
You know, we've got to give up the hope
15:02
that faith would bring closeness instead
15:04
of division. And that's where I see a
15:06
lot of spiritual or betrayal trauma in
15:08
highly religious families is the
15:10
hypocrisy that people name related to
15:13
God or Jesus really meaning to set an
15:17
example of unconditional love and that
15:19
not being modeled by their family system
15:20
that they proclaim is is their values.
15:23
The belief that being good enough would
15:25
eventually earn acceptance has to be
15:27
grieved as well. And so let me give you
15:30
an example. One time I experienced an
15:32
adult son who had this happen and he
15:35
said, "You know, I realized that I've
15:37
been living my life trying to be saved
15:39
by my parents, by God, by approval, by,
15:42
you know, hustling for my worth. And
15:43
when I finally stopped, that was when he
15:46
he said I felt free." And I think that
15:49
burden of begging for repair in that way
15:53
is exhausting. And so letting go is not
15:57
bitterness. It's choosing life over
15:59
endless self- betrayal and pain and
16:02
rejection. And so I'm not saying that it
16:04
always works out. Um, and when it
16:06
doesn't, we've got to think about the
16:08
path towards healing and wholeness and
16:11
reclaiming, you know, belonging and
16:13
wholeness to self.
16:16
And so recognizing that chosen families
16:19
are the people that we can then um
16:21
continue to pursue relationship with
16:23
when our family abandons us. You know
16:25
that arangement can fracture identity,
16:27
but it can also really clarify it and
16:29
there's a freedom in that. Healing adult
16:31
children often build that chosen family
16:34
like I just discussed. They redefine
16:36
their spirituality or their meaning on
16:39
their own terms.
16:41
They can learn in their own chosen
16:42
relationships that worth isn't
16:44
conditional and they can develop new
16:46
relationships where they can have that
16:48
modeled and model it. They can discover
16:50
that they are lovable exactly as they
16:52
are. All the imperfections and all
16:55
because you're not unlovable because
16:57
someone couldn't meet you where you are.
16:59
And I think that can be an important
17:00
lesson through learning about this. So,
17:04
if you are an adult child who's been
17:06
abandoned by your parents or caregivers,
17:08
I just want to say I'm really sorry
17:11
because sometimes parents cut off
17:13
children too because of their fear,
17:15
because of their rigidity, because of
17:17
unspoken grief or belief systems that
17:20
confuse control with love. And sometimes
17:23
religion becomes a tool for condemnation
17:25
rather than connection. And sometimes,
17:28
no matter how much clarity or compassion
17:31
you bring, repair simply isn't possible.
17:34
So, if you are an adult child who's been
17:36
cut off, I want you to hear this. You're
17:38
not broken. You're not unlovable. And
17:41
you're not wrong for living a life
17:42
that's true and authentic to you. Repair
17:45
requires two willing nervous systems,
17:47
two willing participants. You can't do
17:49
more than 50% of the work. And when that
17:52
can't happen, grief, not
17:54
self-abandonment, becomes the path
17:55
forward. And for something new to be
17:58
born, something old truly does have to
18:00
die. So before we wrap up, I just want
18:02
to share something with you and let you
18:04
know that healing is possible and that
18:08
you can overcome this painful experience
18:11
if you put in the work. And if you need
18:13
support or help with that, remember you
18:15
don't have to do it alone. You can reach
18:17
out for therapists, family members, you
18:19
can look to friends to support that. And
18:22
um just know that that you're not alone
18:24
and we're here for you. And if you have
18:26
a similar experience and you want to
18:28
share, please let us know what your
18:30
experience has been like in the comments
18:31
below. If this episode resonated with
18:34
you, please make sure that you share it
18:37
or if it's important to somebody that
18:39
you know, let them know this is
18:41
something that might support them and
18:42
help them. And make sure to click
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subscribe if you want to keep these
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every week won't resonate, but you might
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come into your inbox and subscribe. So,
18:55
thank you so much for tuning in. I hope
18:57
that you found this helpful. And until
18:59
we meet again, don't forget to lead with
19:01
love. It'll never steer you wrong.

How to Cope When Parents Cut Off Adult Children

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How to Cope When Parents Cut Off Adult Children

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