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Why does someone you love go quiet and what it really means?
Stop stonewalling and start rebuilding connection and trust.
Stonewalling is one of the Four Horsemen and often misunderstood. It may look like silence, but it’s usually a nervous system response to overwhelm—not a lack of care.
In this episode, we unpack how attachment and early experiences shape this pattern, and how it impacts trust, connection, and communication.
Understanding the why is the first step toward repair and real connection.
Watch here: https://youtu.be/ge6S53oZYqs
#RebuildTrust #AttachmentHealing #FourHorsemen #HealthyRelationships #BehaviorExplained
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0:00
And today, I think you're really going
0:01
to benefit from this show if you are
0:03
someone that you know if you stonewall
0:06
or if someone you know stonewalls you
0:08
and you don't know how to break through
0:10
that or how to deal with the pain that
0:12
that behavior causes. I'm going to talk
0:14
a little bit about the origin of that
0:16
behavior. About 12 months ago, I did a
0:19
show on the four horsemen of the
0:20
apocalypse. This is rooted in John
0:22
Gottman's research about really what
0:25
perils for couples. And this information
0:28
applies to really all relationships. So
0:30
today we're going to continue breaking
0:33
down the four horsemen of the apocalypse
0:35
from that research. And this episode
0:38
specifically is about stonewalling. For
0:40
those of you who don't know what that
0:42
means, stonewalling is often the most
0:44
misunderstood of the four horsemen. It
0:47
looks like silence. It feels like
0:49
abandonment and it can leave the other
0:51
person feeling anxious, rejected, or
0:53
really completely alone. But here's
0:56
something that's important to know right
0:58
up front about stonewalling because it's
1:00
rarely about not caring. More often it's
1:03
about being overwhelmed. So today we're
1:05
going to talk about really what
1:06
stonewalling actually is and what it's
1:09
not and how it impacts relationships. Uh
1:12
the attachment styles that most often
1:14
are associated with that behavior. And
1:17
then what earlier experiences might wire
1:19
someone towards stonewalling as a
1:21
defense. And I want to help you
1:24
understand how to tell the difference
1:25
between stonewalling and healthy space
1:28
and then how to repair a relationship
1:30
when this pattern shows up. So I want to
1:33
just start again with the basics of what
1:36
stonewalling actually means according to
1:39
Gottman. And like I said, this is with
1:42
the advent and the popularization of
1:45
social media and and so many behavioral
1:47
health or mental health influencers,
1:49
we've got a lot of people that are
1:51
saying a lot about these concepts, but
1:54
they don't necessarily have them
1:56
correct. And so with Gottman research,
1:59
basically stonewalling happens when one
2:01
partner or person in a relationship
2:03
either emotionally or physically shuts
2:06
down during moments of conflict or in
2:09
connection. And so this can look a
2:11
number of ways. It can look like going
2:13
silent. It can look like avoiding eye
2:16
contact. It can look like leaving the
2:18
room, perhaps flat or minimal responses.
2:21
It can look like not responding to texts
2:24
or phone calls. And it can look like
2:26
emotional withdrawal. Stonewalling
2:29
usually appears after an emotional
2:31
flood. So that means when someone gets
2:34
triggered, when their nervous system is
2:36
so activated that it shuts down and
2:38
feels like the only way to survive the
2:40
moment or to address the situation is to
2:43
do nothing at all. But stonewalling is
2:45
not thoughtful reflection. It's not calm
2:49
self-regulation. It's not healthy
2:51
boundaries, although some people might
2:52
claim that when they're doing it.
2:54
Stonewalling is really a stress response
2:57
or a maladaptive adaptation to stress.
3:00
So, let me give you some examples of
3:02
what this looks like. Maybe a partner
3:05
raises concern and then the other person
3:08
suddenly goes quiet. So, attempts to
3:10
talk are met with I don't know or
3:12
whatever, which can sound passive
3:14
aggressive, but they're really just
3:16
avoidant. Conflict ends without the
3:19
resolution. And it's not because it's
3:20
solved. It's because one person kind of
3:23
disappears from the engagement
3:25
emotionally, physically, or you know, in
3:27
general. And so stonewalling isn't a
3:30
communication problem. It's usually a
3:32
nervous system problem. And then once
3:35
that calms down, it's usually a
3:37
confidence problem. It's usually
3:39
something related to I'm not sure how to
3:41
work my way back. I don't know how to
3:42
address it. And so I kind of get
3:45
analysis paralysis on how to move
3:47
forward. So stonewalling is deeply
3:49
painful because the connection ends and
3:52
it's abrupt. And so for the person on
3:54
the receiving end of stonewalling, it
3:55
often triggers panic. And panic, for
3:58
those of you who haven't been avid
3:59
watchers, is really part of the grief
4:01
circuit. So there's a sense of loss that
4:03
happens when you go into panic. And
4:06
there's usually when panic attacks were
4:08
started, there was usually some kind of
4:09
loss that occurred in a person's life.
4:11
Just a fun fact about panic. It brings
4:13
up in people abandonment fears. You
4:15
know, being left alone. It can bring up
4:18
anger or protection related to the
4:20
injustice or the betrayal of the
4:22
experience. can bring up desperation and
4:25
certainly a feeling of not mattering or
4:27
not being important. So, it's just
4:30
something to consider if this happens or
4:32
is a pattern in relationships. Those are
4:33
the things that it can bring up again if
4:35
it happens to you. For the person who's
4:37
doing the stonewalling, it often feels
4:40
like, you know, the internal dialogue
4:42
might sound like, I can't do this. I'm
4:45
failing. I need it to stop. And there's
4:48
not really another way to know how to
4:50
address it that's more functional or
4:52
healthy. But over time, stonewalling
4:55
does damage to a relationship. It
4:57
erodess trust. It will increase anxiety
5:00
and resentment. And it really fuels the
5:04
pursuit withdraw cycles. In the negative
5:06
interaction cycle in Sue Johnson's work,
5:09
we talk about negative interaction
5:10
cycles in relationships. And so when
5:12
someone persists with stonewalling, it
5:14
will create the person receiving it,
5:17
usually falling into a different
5:19
negative interaction cycle. And
5:20
sometimes if it happens often it can
5:22
make repair feel really impossible or
5:25
pretty hopeless. And so I want to share
5:28
a few examples of what this might look
5:29
like. Maybe a partner or someone in
5:32
relationship, you know, escalates to get
5:34
engagement out of their desperation and
5:37
then the other person might withdraw
5:39
even further to reduce the overwhelm.
5:41
But the bottom line is that both of the
5:43
people in the relationship really feel
5:45
mis misunderstood and they feel unsafe
5:48
and they feel unseen. And so
5:50
stonewalling doesn't create peace. It
5:52
actually creates distance. It doesn't
5:54
help a relationship in repair. And it
5:57
doesn't prevent this from happening
5:59
again. And and we need to understand the
6:01
origins of it because I think where
6:02
there's understanding, we have more
6:04
grace and more compassion. So
6:06
stonewalling most commonly shows up in
6:09
people who have avoidant or dismissive
6:11
attachment. And sometimes they might
6:13
have fearful avoidant attachment, but
6:15
it's not the most common presentation of
6:17
attachment style where that happens. And
6:20
most often in earlier childhood
6:24
behaviors that the person experienced it
6:26
uh as a result of this behavior of
6:28
stonewalling is that their emotions were
6:31
not welcomed or understood or met with
6:34
compassion and maybe even judged.