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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Understanding different communication styles can radically improve the quality of your relationships. Our communication styles have the power to build meaningful connections, a crucial aspect of success in any area of life. Whether your goals relate to your job, health, family, or finances, you’ll never get what you want without learning to communicate. So let's go over the 4 different styles in todays episode!
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kell ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hey
0:12
everybody thanks for tuning in I'm
0:14
excited to be here with you today to
0:16
discuss a really important topic uh
0:18
which is at the at the Forefront of
0:21
every relationship that you ever had and
0:23
that's communication so we're going to
0:26
talk about the four styles of
0:27
communication and we're going to explore
0:30
uh how our family systems can shape
0:33
these Styles and how what we learned
0:35
growing up really informed how we
0:38
adapted and how we communicate if you're
0:40
interested in this topic please like and
0:43
share and perhaps subscribe so that I
0:45
can know what content you'd like to see
0:47
more of and if you find it helpful and
0:50
of course if someone else could benefit
0:52
from it you know make sure you send it
0:54
their way so communication is essential
0:57
in human interaction and understanding
0:59
the differ Styles can greatly enhance
1:01
our relationships and Effectiveness in
1:04
conveying our messages we're going to
1:06
start by examining the four main styles
1:08
of communication which are passive
1:11
aggressive passive aggressive and
1:14
assertive we have to understand what our
1:16
options are how we use these Styles in
1:18
order to work towards an Optimum style
1:21
which is assertive communication the
1:23
goal is if we can be assertive most of
1:27
our needs can be at least heard and
1:29
perhaps uh were listened to so I want to
1:32
caution you that just because you learn
1:34
to be assertive it doesn't guarantee
1:36
that you'll always have your needs met
1:38
but your chances are the best if you can
1:40
approach communication with this style
1:43
so we're going to kick off with passive
1:45
communication this is a style that's
1:47
characterized by people avoiding the
1:50
expression of their opinions or feelings
1:52
neglecting to protect their rights and
1:55
they are failing to identify and address
1:57
their needs typically this type of
2:00
communication stems from low self-esteem
2:03
where passive communication is rooted in
2:05
the belief that one is not worthy of or
2:08
of care or consideration so I am not as
2:10
important my needs are not as important
2:13
as yours and I am in a one down position
2:17
and so passive communication often stems
2:20
from family environments where conflict
2:22
was avoided or seen as taboo people who
2:25
grew up in such families may have
2:27
learned to suppress their own needs and
2:28
feelings in order to maintain Harmony
2:30
they're more peacekeepers for example
2:33
someone with a passive communication
2:35
style might agree to something they
2:37
don't want to do just to avoid conflict
2:39
they don't want to be confrontational
2:42
they don't want to upset the apple cart
2:43
or or one of my clients says I don't
2:45
want to poke the bear so it mirrors the
2:48
behavior that they witnessed in their
2:50
family systems as a result passive
2:53
people often remain silent in the face
2:55
of hurtful or anger inducing situations
2:59
uh they allow their grievances to
3:00
accumulate without even probably knowing
3:02
that it's happening however once their
3:05
tolerance threshold is surpassed they
3:07
may experience explosive outbursts
3:09
disproportionate to the triggering
3:11
incident so following these outbursts
3:13
they often feel shame or guilt and
3:16
confusion and then they revert back to
3:18
their passive demeanor because they
3:20
don't want to feel the shame of having
3:23
blown up uh behaviors that are common
3:26
for people who have a passive
3:28
communication Style is that they fail to
3:31
assert themselves um they don't stand up
3:33
or speak up for what they need they
3:36
allow others to infringe on their rights
3:38
they suppress their feelings their needs
3:40
or opinions and often times PE people
3:43
who have passive communication they
3:45
don't even really know what they feel or
3:48
what they need because they're so busy
3:49
trying to determine what other people
3:52
around them uh need or want and then
3:55
they want to try to shape shift or form
3:57
into that space so as not to be
4:00
disruptive they might speak softly or
4:03
apologetically they might you know you
4:05
know these people that say sorry all the
4:07
time this is someone with a more passive
4:09
communication style uh they also
4:12
oftentimes exhibit poor eye contact or
4:14
maybe a slumped posture because they
4:16
don't really have strong self-esteem in
4:19
other words they don't recognize that
4:21
their experience is equally important to
4:23
the people around them unfortunately
4:26
with someone with a passive
4:27
communication style there's consequences
4:29
to this uh it can include feelings of
4:32
anxiety depression often times
4:35
resentment that isn't even recognized as
4:37
happening in them because they're so uh
4:40
wired to try to keep the peace they're
4:42
often confused and their inability to
4:45
address underlying issues it hinders
4:47
their personal growth because they go
4:49
for sometimes long periods without even
4:52
understand that they have needs they
4:54
have feelings they don't express them
4:56
they don't assert them so a passive
4:59
communicator might Express beliefs um or
5:02
thoughts and they might think these
5:04
things like I'm incapable of standing up
5:06
for my rights I'm unsure of what my
5:08
rights even are I'm constantly being
5:11
taken advantage of I'm weak and unable
5:14
to fend for myself um or my feelings are
5:17
never considered by others so these
5:19
people often find themselves in a bit of
5:21
a victim role um a little bit of a poor
5:24
me
5:25
stance and often times it's not
5:27
expressed this is just part of an
5:29
internal dialogue although in situations
5:31
where they trust their Their audience
5:33
they might Express these things the next
5:36
type of communication we're going to
5:38
talk about is passive aggressive
5:40
communication this type of style is
5:42
often characterized by people appearing
5:44
passive on the surface while they subtly
5:47
Express anger or resentment in indirect
5:50
ways this Behavior often stems from
5:52
feelings of powerlessness and often
5:55
frustration with people resorting to
5:58
covert tactics to deal with these
6:00
perceived injustices of not having been
6:02
heard people with passive aggressive
6:05
communication uh this often arises in
6:08
families where direct expression of a
6:10
negative or a protective feeling is
6:12
discouraged so we don't do anger we
6:15
don't do fear and this discouragement is
6:19
met with sometimes even punishment like
6:21
you know I told you to keep your mouth
6:23
shut and I'll give you something to cry
6:25
about so people that have been parented
6:27
that way or in a family system like that
6:29
way
6:30
perhaps end up being more passive
6:32
aggressive people might resort to
6:34
indirect means of expressing their
6:36
dissatisfaction or the resistance such
6:39
as sarcasm subtle sabotage as a way of
6:42
avoiding direct confrontation while
6:44
still asserting themselves and this
6:47
Behavior might have been learned as a
6:49
coping mechanism in response to
6:50
communication patterns within their
6:52
family system there are behaviors that
6:55
are associated with passive aggressive
6:57
communication so key in and see if this
6:59
is something that sounds familiar to you
7:02
or someone you know so people with this
7:05
style might mutter to themselves instead
7:07
of addressing the issue directly so they
7:09
are the ones that walk away and like oh
7:11
you know I see where you stand and they
7:14
and they mean for you to not hear but
7:16
they also mean for you to hear they're
7:18
saying something uh there's a difficulty
7:21
acknowledging that they're angry and
7:22
maybe even a phobia to the emotion anger
7:25
they might have facial expressions that
7:27
contradict their true feelings like
7:29
smiling when they're really angry using
7:32
sarcasm to convey frustration and often
7:35
times they're denying the existence that
7:37
there's a problem while covertly
7:39
undermining it so they might these are
7:41
people that might say you know
7:42
everything's fine or whatever they're
7:44
appearing Cooperative while they're
7:46
intentionally causing annoyance and
7:48
disruption with these you know covert uh
7:51
responses they might engage in subtle
7:54
acts of sabotage to retaliate against
7:56
perceived slight so that's the whatever
7:58
or you know you know best those kinds of
8:01
statements are someone who's being
8:02
passive aggressive the consequences of a
8:05
pattern of passive aggressive
8:08
communication oftentimes include
8:10
alienation from others it perpetuates
8:12
feelings of powerlessness so again I'm
8:14
not speaking up in my truest voice and
8:16
being assertive so then I feel powerless
8:19
like what I want or need doesn't matter
8:22
and it often hinders personal growth
8:24
because you're avoiding direct
8:26
confrontation or constructive tension
8:29
and and the resolution of the underlying
8:31
issue and so we don't get to move
8:33
through our stuck spots a passive
8:35
aggressive Communicator might Express
8:37
beliefs or thoughts in ways that sound
8:40
like this uh I feel weak and resentful
8:43
so I resort to sabotage and disruption I
8:46
lack the power to confront you directly
8:48
so I resort to these Guerilla tactics uh
8:51
in today's day and age that might look
8:53
like passive aggressive posts on social
8:56
media you know where they're talking to
8:58
somebody but they're not actually
9:00
talking to anybody and so it's more of a
9:02
covert messaging system because they're
9:05
really avoidant of directly addressing
9:07
what's happening for them and often
9:10
times with that comes assumptions you
9:12
know they're assuming how someone is
9:14
feeling or thinking on the other side of
9:15
the communication and this happens so
9:18
much more in today's day and age with
9:19
texting and I may appear Cooperative but
9:22
I Harbor hidden resentments and so I
9:24
haven't fully addressed how I'm
9:26
experiencing things or how I'm feeling
9:29
and this keeps people really stuck the
9:32
next type of communication we're going
9:33
to discuss is aggressive communication
9:35
so aggressive patterns of uh
9:38
communication are often characterized by
9:41
people who Express their feelings their
9:43
opinions and needs in a manner that
9:45
disregards the rights of others often
9:48
they're resorting to verbal or physical
9:50
abuse and it's always rooted in low
9:53
self-esteem it typically stems from past
9:56
abuse or unresolved emotional trauma and
9:59
AGG aggressive communicators assert
10:00
themselves through domination and
10:02
control and typically through
10:05
overpowering aggressive communication
10:07
can develop in families where
10:08
assertiveness is discouraged and power
10:11
dynamics are skewed so people may have
10:14
learned to dominate conversations and
10:16
disregard the needs and feelings of
10:17
others in order to assert control for
10:20
instance someone who witnessed
10:22
aggressive behavior from a parent May
10:24
adopt a similar communication tactic in
10:26
their own
10:27
interactions another Dynamic I often see
10:29
with this style is in people who were
10:31
bullied at home or at school by either a
10:34
family member or someone else and
10:36
eventually they ended up getting big
10:38
enough or strong enough to fight back
10:40
and this power that's gained ends up
10:43
reinforcing so much in the person
10:45
because they never want to feel like
10:47
they did when they were in that power
10:49
down position or when they were being
10:50
bullied uh whether it was in their homes
10:52
or at school and so they they feel
10:56
empowered by powering over or
10:58
overpowering
10:59
and that ends up getting adaptively
11:02
reinforced as a counterbalance and of
11:05
course this is really without it's it's
11:07
not without consequences because
11:09
behaviors from a uh that are often seen
11:12
from aggressive
11:13
communication uh often include
11:15
attempting to dominate others using
11:18
humiliation as a means to control people
11:21
criticizing blaming or attacking acting
11:24
impulsively with low frustration
11:26
tolerance speaking loudly or Dem in
11:29
attention in in a power over way acting
11:32
threatening or rudely exhibiting poor
11:35
listening skills and frequent
11:37
Interruption now I want to do a little
11:39
footnote here because frequent
11:41
Interruption isn't always aggressive
11:44
sometimes frequent Interruption is the
11:46
result of someone who has a really fast
11:48
brain in for example ADHD so someone is
11:51
really quickly thinking and they have a
11:54
counter to the thought that that
11:56
happened and their impulse control has
11:58
more to do with the interruption as
12:00
opposed to being aggressive so you need
12:02
to just understand and perhaps give a
12:04
generous assumption to a person who is a
12:06
frequent Interruption interruptor and
12:09
maybe check in to see is it from
12:11
aggression or is it because of
12:12
impulsivity and by doing that you might
12:15
ask them hey I'm really struggling with
12:17
the interrupting I'm losing my train of
12:19
thought you know would you try to be
12:20
more Mindful and be a little patient for
12:22
me to get through a person who's
12:24
aggressive will become defensive and
12:26
they won't hear you a person who's just
12:28
impul Ive will say I'm so sorry I'm
12:30
working on it so you need to use some
12:32
other communication strategies to
12:34
decipher whether that interruptive
12:36
behavior is from aggression or from
12:38
impulsivity they also might use
12:40
statements like Yu youu and blame so
12:43
that they can project their discomfort
12:46
and they can dis dis um discharge their
12:50
pain and discomfort through blame uh and
12:53
often times there's something that's a
12:55
little bit more just from body language
12:57
with an aggressive Communicator where
12:58
they'll have this piercing eye contact
13:00
and imposing posture so that that their
13:03
listener can feel smaller or they know
13:05
their place so it's a power over
13:07
physical move the consequences of a
13:10
pattern of aggressive communication
13:12
often include alienation from others
13:14
think about it if someone's aggressive
13:16
you don't want to be in their realm you
13:17
don't want to be on the recipient side
13:19
of an aggressive Communicator so you
13:21
avoid them uh and the instilling of fear
13:24
and resentment in those around them
13:26
often create um avoidance of personal
13:29
responsibility and of course it hinders
13:31
personal emotional growth if I'm
13:33
aggressive because I'm not often a safe
13:36
recipient of feedback now this doesn't
13:39
mean that constructive tension isn't
13:41
part of hard conversations and I want to
13:43
make sure that I'm not relaying
13:45
inappropriately that hard conversations
13:49
can feel aggressive but just having
13:52
emotional expression doesn't also it's
13:55
not synonymous with aggression so that
13:58
is often times clarified with questions
14:00
with you know clearing up of an
14:02
assumption if you know you're raising
14:04
your voice are you mad you know this
14:06
happens in some of my communication with
14:07
some family members like are you mad
14:09
right now CU I'm feeling like you're mad
14:11
you know and I'll get feedback like no
14:13
I'm not mad I'm just passionate about
14:15
what happened and it's not about you and
14:16
so you can get that clarification
14:18
through further
14:19
communication um but aggressive
14:22
communication people might Express their
14:25
beliefs uh in ways that sound something
14:27
like this and there might they might
14:29
just be thoughts that are happening
14:30
internally or even an undertone of
14:33
superiority so they might kind of come
14:35
off like they're always right while
14:37
you're inferior or always wrong they
14:39
might uh have this thought that I have
14:42
the right to dominate and intimidate you
14:45
they're they might be thinking you know
14:47
your needs and rights are insignificant
14:49
compared to mine and so my perspective
14:51
matters more than your perspective and
14:53
they might come through with an exertion
14:55
of control to get their way at any cost
14:58
and so uh you want to be listening for
15:00
things like that in yourself and also in
15:03
in people that you have communication
15:05
with they might come off as as
15:07
extraordinarily blaming for everything
15:09
and that can be aggressive and with a
15:11
sense of entitlement to whatever they
15:13
desire so even though if it's said
15:15
calmly if the entitlement air in their
15:18
communication is coming through it is
15:21
actually aggressive and it might also
15:23
come with a little bit of an you owe me
15:26
obedience or submission and so these are
15:28
some things that look you want to look
15:30
out for and yourself and others to
15:31
determine if aggressive communication is
15:34
what's happening so the next topic we're
15:37
going to talk about is assertive
15:38
communication now this is the gold
15:40
standard this is where we all want to
15:42
get assertive communication is a style
15:45
that's characterized by people who
15:47
clearly Express their opinions they know
15:49
what they feel they express how they
15:51
feel they know their needs and they
15:54
advocate for their rights without
15:56
infringing on the rights of others
15:58
that's the key key with this it's that
16:00
my needs wants feelings and desires are
16:04
equally important to yours it's rooted
16:07
in high self-esteem and assertive
16:09
communication prioritizes
16:12
self-respect equally to the respect of
16:14
others and their listeners and in their
16:16
interactions so assertive communication
16:19
on the other hand is often cultivated in
16:21
families where open communication and
16:24
mutual respect are valued and they're
16:26
shown in interactions over and over in
16:28
the the family system individuals who
16:31
grow up with such environments may have
16:33
learned to express themselves directly
16:35
and respectfully while also considering
16:38
the rights and the feelings of others
16:40
they might have observed assertive
16:42
Behavior modeled by their caregivers and
16:44
internalize these patterns as their own
16:47
and so they learn I matter others matter
16:50
I don't need to power over I don't need
16:52
to stay small and shape shift for my
16:54
audience I get to be equally important
16:57
and you really see someone who has an
16:59
assertive communication style when
17:01
there's a power differential in the
17:03
relationship and they don't get small
17:06
because of fear they recognize they
17:08
equally matter even in relationships
17:11
where there's a power differential
17:13
common behaviors for people who have
17:15
assertive communication are that they
17:17
clearly State their needs and wants in
17:19
in a respectful manner they express
17:22
their feelings and opinions they use eye
17:24
statements they understand how they feel
17:27
they understand what's happening in them
17:28
and they're okay expressing that they're
17:31
also accountable for the stories that M
17:33
they make up or the assumptions that
17:34
they make so they recognize that their
17:37
perspective is just one perspective and
17:39
they give an opportunity for their
17:40
listener to reflect back if they're
17:42
getting it right uh they de demonstrate
17:45
for resp uh they demonstrate respect for
17:47
others viewpoints they're good at active
17:50
listening and they don't interrupt or if
17:52
they do they course correct or correct
17:54
themselves or if they're given feedback
17:56
about the interruption they're able to
17:58
go my bad I'm so sorry I'm just really
18:00
excited or my brain is really fast they
18:02
maintain control over their emotions and
18:05
actions so it's not that they don't have
18:07
emotions it's that they don't have to
18:09
get their emotions all over somebody
18:11
else because they're more regulated they
18:14
can establish good eye contact they
18:16
don't avert eye contact now I want to
18:19
put a little footnote here in that uh
18:22
good eye contact is sometimes culturally
18:24
dependent In some cultures good eye
18:27
contact is actually a sign of dis
18:28
respect so if you're wondering about
18:31
someone that you are interaction
18:33
interacting with that doesn't have good
18:35
eye contact but they do exhibit some of
18:37
these other characteristics of assertive
18:39
communication you might just do a little
18:41
bit of a research around that specific
18:44
culture culture and what's normative
18:46
regarding things like eye contact often
18:48
times people who are assertive they
18:50
speak in calm and a confident tone
18:53
they're they have a relaxed body posture
18:55
they're not up in really intense and
18:58
they're not sitting back and trying to
18:59
get small uh their shoulders are often
19:02
times held back and they feel connected
19:04
to others while they maintain personal
19:06
boundaries so they don't lose themselves
19:09
in the communication or the conversation
19:11
they also know how to stand up for their
19:13
rights without being aggressive and
19:15
without using manipulative tactics so
19:18
they're they're clear they're kind and
19:21
something that I like to tell people is
19:23
say what you mean mean what you say but
19:25
don't say it mean and if you keep those
19:27
tenants in mind you're usually going to
19:28
be okay the consequences of people who
19:31
have assertive communication is that
19:33
they feel connected to others they can
19:35
maintain control over their life they
19:37
Foster personal growth they can have
19:40
good Rich relationships they can move
19:42
through constructive tension they have
19:45
proactive problem solving um they're not
19:47
avoidant when there's tension and they
19:50
Circle back with inquit uh inquisitive
19:53
or curiosity approach so if they you
19:56
know they read a text and they didn't
19:58
understand what happened you know
19:59
there's someone who can say hey I did I
20:02
misunderstand that text that came
20:04
through I I was hearing that you were
20:06
upset am I getting that right so they
20:08
cannot avoid those types of things so
20:11
assertive communication uh really
20:14
Fosters good relationships and it's hard
20:17
to have good relationships when one or
20:19
both parties aren't able to express
20:22
themselves fully so people that have
20:25
assertive communication might think and
20:27
and feel like mutual respect is the
20:29
foundation of our effective
20:31
communication I have confidence in my
20:33
identity and my choices and I understand
20:36
that you might have different choices
20:37
and ideas and we can meet in the middle
20:40
we can say I matter and you matter and
20:42
your thoughts matter and even if they're
20:44
different I can take responsibility for
20:47
my actions and my decisions I can Circle
20:49
back with uh with empathy when I got it
20:52
wrong uh I value clear and honest
20:55
communication I don't like when people
20:57
don't address what's going on and give
21:00
me a generous assumption that I can I
21:02
can I can meet them with Compassion or
21:05
empathy uh I focus on controlling my own
21:07
behavior not the behavior of others I
21:10
can prioritize having my rights
21:12
respected while respecting the rights of
21:14
others and I can advocate for my needs
21:16
in a manner that promotes mutual respect
21:19
and I respect that you know and I
21:21
recognize that nobody owes me anything
21:23
without a mutual agreement of
21:25
expectations so um that's where
21:28
communication becomes so critical in
21:30
relationships and I realize too that I'm
21:33
responsible for cultivating my own
21:35
happiness so I don't blame or put the
21:37
responsibility of my okayness on
21:40
somebody else because ultimately it
21:42
isn't anyone else's responsibility to
21:44
know what I need to know how I feel and
21:47
to express those needs in a in a
21:49
respectful way so how can we move
21:53
towards more assertive communication
21:55
since that's what we're all looking to
21:56
do regardless of our family upbringing
21:59
and what we learned in in our family
22:01
systems so it starts with awareness of
22:03
self we have to recognize our own
22:05
communication patterns which is why I
22:07
wanted you to have the background on all
22:09
of these Styles so that you can start
22:11
looking at yourself and recognize what
22:14
do I do and even start thinking about
22:16
how did your family system influence the
22:18
way that you
22:19
communicate understanding the roots of
22:21
our communication style it can bring us
22:24
to a more sense of awareness and then we
22:26
can begin to challenge and change them
22:28
if those communication patterns are no
22:30
longer serving us we can practice
22:33
expressing ourselves assertively by
22:35
using eye statements to convey our
22:36
thoughts and our feelings directly we
22:39
can set clear boundaries what's okay
22:40
with me what's not okay with me and we
22:43
can advocate for our needs in a
22:45
respectful manner we want to remember to
22:47
listen actively to others to show
22:49
empathy and to validate their
22:51
perspectives even if you disagree
22:53
there's a time for you to to be able to
22:56
to feed back your experience in
22:58
perspective finally you need to be
23:01
patient with yourself and recognize that
23:03
assertive communication is a skill that
23:05
takes time and practice to develop by
23:08
consciously cultivating assertive
23:10
communication habits we can foster
23:12
healthier relationships we can create
23:14
more fulfilling interactions in all as
23:17
aspects of Our Lives whether it be
23:19
professional whether it's personal
23:21
whether it's as a parent and I really
23:25
encourage you to give it a try and if
23:26
you're not sure where you fit in this
23:29
share it with someone that you trust
23:30
share this information with someone that
23:32
you trust and ask them how do you see me
23:34
how do you experience me and that way
23:37
you have more insight and self-awareness
23:39
about how you communicate in your
23:41
relationship I hope that you found this
23:44
episode helpful we've explored our four
23:46
styles of communication how our family
23:49
systems can influence these Styles how
23:51
assertive communication is really the
23:53
goal and ways that we can lean into that
23:56
so that we can become more of
23:59
communicators so thank you so much for
24:01
tuning in and until next time remember
24:04
to lead with love it'll never steer you
24:07
[Music]
24:25
wrong
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