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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Early interactions with your caregivers can influence the health of your future relationships. We’re all born as helpless little creatures who depend on our caregivers for everything. Human infants are vulnerable beings who rely on others to keep them fed, safe, comforted … everything really. There is a long list of scientific literature that categorizes how we form emotional attachments to our primary caregivers in order to ensure our safety and survival. These studies categorized them in 4 attachment styles, let's talk about them.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly oh horo and this
0:09
is adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thank you so much for joining
0:14
us today we're going to talk about
0:16
attachment Styles and the reason why
0:19
that's so important is because it
0:21
affects literally every relationship
0:23
that we ever have and how we move
0:26
through the world in uh our connection
0:29
our perception of safety the way that we
0:32
are vulnerable or the way that we are
0:34
defensive or defend or avoid our
0:38
connections uh and how much we are
0:40
willing to trust relationships in the
0:42
world and so we're going to talk a
0:43
little bit about each of the four
0:44
attachment Styles and what some of those
0:48
uh behaviors and traits might look like
0:51
and ways to address that if you want to
0:54
grow into a more healthy secure
0:56
attachment so that's what we're going to
0:58
be kicking off today
1:00
so John bulby and Mary answorth later
1:03
did a whole bunch of research on
1:05
attachment and they they basically
1:08
determined there's four attachment
1:10
Styles and attachment basically explores
1:13
patterns of uh relationships between
1:17
individuals and it focuses on the bonds
1:20
uh formed between children and their
1:22
primary caregivers in the earliest years
1:25
attachment styles are patterns of
1:27
behavior and expectation that people
1:30
develop in close relationships based on
1:33
the care that they received or lack
1:35
thereof during those infancy years and
1:38
early childhood so the first attachment
1:41
style that we all want is secure
1:43
attachment and this this is described by
1:47
someone who's generally had caregivers
1:48
who were responsive who were consistent
1:51
they were emotionally available so for
1:53
example if a child's hurt and they
1:55
needed Care at the time of the event
1:57
there was an attuned caregiver they were
1:59
there with empathy they were there with
2:01
uh they consult they were validating and
2:04
so as a result the person feels
2:06
comfortable both with emotional um
2:09
connection and intimacy and Independence
2:11
they can tolerate
2:13
disconnection traits that someone with
2:15
secure attachment tends to exude or
2:18
exhibit are that they have trust in
2:20
others that they have positive
2:22
expectations about relationships so they
2:25
kind of see the glasses half full they
2:27
have a more natural generous assumption
2:29
that the uh behaviors of others are not
2:32
necessarily personal and they have more
2:35
tolerance around disconnection they can
2:38
form longterm bonds and healthier
2:40
connection and they can oftentimes
2:42
regulate their emotions effectively and
2:45
are tend to be they tend to be more
2:48
self-confident um they might be
2:50
distressed like children with secure
2:52
attachment might be dis distressed with
2:54
separation from their caregivers uh but
2:57
they warmly welcome back the the
2:59
caregiver with when uh they have eye
3:01
contact or a hug when the parent or
3:03
caregiver returns so the next kind of
3:06
attachment style is that of anxious or
3:08
preoccupied attachment so people with an
3:11
anxious preoccupied attachment style
3:14
often had caregivers who were
3:15
inconsistently available or
3:17
inconsistently responsive so as a result
3:20
they might worry about the reliability
3:22
of someone being there for them uh and
3:24
that shows up in Partnerships so an
3:26
example of this might be a parent that
3:28
was gone for work a lot or when they
3:31
were home they were preoccupied with
3:34
other tasks or they were on their
3:36
computer or their phone all the time and
3:38
when the child needed them they couldn't
3:40
always be relied upon and sometimes they
3:43
they were supported and validated and
3:46
given Attunement but then sometimes they
3:48
weren't and so it was quite inconsistent
3:50
this can also happen in large family
3:52
systems where the demand on the
3:53
caregivers is so great because there are
3:55
so many children and so it creates
3:58
traits or beh behaviors in a person
4:01
where they might seek constant
4:03
reassurance uh they they fear rejection
4:05
more readily they personalize Behavior
4:08
you know if if you don't answer a text
4:10
or a phone call right away they're um
4:13
overly dependent on the partner to make
4:15
sure everything is okay and they might
4:16
be really uh taking things personally if
4:19
their partner isn't there all the time
4:21
so they're insecurely attached to the
4:23
safety of the relationship they're also
4:25
quite sensitive to the changes in
4:27
relationships and have diff difficulty
4:29
trusting
4:30
that their needs are going to be met
4:32
consistently so a child that exhibits a
4:35
more anxious attachment style might be
4:37
frightened by separation but then they
4:39
continue to display anxious Behavior
4:42
once the caregiver returns so that
4:44
quelling of the symptomology of anxiety
4:47
isn't calmed by the parent returning
4:49
because again it's not necessarily
4:51
trusting the child's not trusting that
4:53
just because they're there they're going
4:55
to be paid attention to they can't
4:57
really count on it so some statements
4:59
that you might hear from someone with a
5:01
more anxious attachment style might
5:03
sound like they need constant
5:05
reassurance that they're not that you're
5:07
not going to leave them they might ask
5:09
often do you really love me how do I
5:11
know that you won't change your mind uh
5:14
I feel like I'm not important to you
5:16
when you don't respond quickly or that I
5:17
don't matter I worry what you're going
5:20
to think of me if I do this or that when
5:22
you don't text or call I start thinking
5:25
that something's wrong or I start dress
5:27
rehearsing tragedy and and really going
5:29
down the train to the wrong country that
5:32
that things are not okay and I can't
5:33
trust that I can count on you I feel
5:35
like I have to prove myself worthy of
5:38
your love and acceptance otherwise you
5:40
won't want me uh I might be afraid of
5:43
being abandoned or rejected or I might
5:46
feel like I need to be perfect for you
5:47
to love me and that my worth is
5:49
conditional and so I'm not sure if I can
5:52
trust that you'll always be there for me
5:54
the statements that I just shared with
5:56
you exhibit an underlying anxiety and
5:59
ins security people with anxious
6:01
attachment might experience um this
6:04
distrust in the safety of relationships
6:06
and then they can they seek constant
6:08
validation and reassurance to alleviate
6:11
their fears of Abandonment or rejection
6:14
and this can become kind of exhausting
6:15
for someone in the relationship to have
6:18
to provide constant reassurance for them
6:20
and so that's something that is
6:22
important for individuals with anxious
6:24
attachment to communicate openly about
6:27
their needs so that their Partners can
6:29
provide support and that their Partners
6:31
understand what's going on inside of
6:33
them to help Forge and Foster a more
6:35
secure and trusting relationship a one
6:38
way to address this is through seeking
6:41
therapy and it can uh help one to have
6:44
more insight and gain awareness about
6:47
this uh anxious response when in
6:49
relationship and that feeling of fear of
6:51
Abandonment and rejection and uh people
6:54
with anxious attachment Tendencies can
6:57
develop healthier relationship patterns
6:59
when when they have Insight when they
7:01
have a little bit more uh space between
7:04
the stimulus of being uh or of
7:06
perceiving disconnection and they can
7:09
heal and grow into a more secure
7:11
attachment style the next kind of
7:13
attachment style that we're going to
7:15
discuss is a dismissive or a more
7:17
avoidant attachment style so people who
7:19
have had this attachment style tend to
7:22
have had caregivers who were emotionally
7:24
dist distant or unavailable so they just
7:27
weren't there this is often something
7:29
that happens when one or both parents
7:31
are are absent for large chunks of time
7:34
whether it was ecologically for work or
7:37
whether there was just neglect or an
7:39
absence based on circumstance but people
7:41
with an avoidant or dismissive
7:43
attachment style uh consequently develop
7:46
strategies of self-reliance over
7:49
Independence and oftentimes emotional
7:51
suppression so these are people that
7:54
Value Independence May avoid close
7:57
emotional connection they might be be
7:59
really readily available to others but
8:01
don't allow themselves to lean on or
8:04
trust that others will be there for them
8:06
they might be uncomfortable with
8:08
emotional intimacy and tend to downplay
8:11
the importance of relationships and they
8:13
might be really extremely autonomous or
8:16
independent which is really a trauma
8:18
response uh they also might have trouble
8:20
diff or difficulty expressing their
8:22
emotions and that makes it harder for
8:24
people to connect with them and so a
8:27
child who reacts fairly calmly to the
8:29
absence of a caregiver or a parent in in
8:32
the separation and then doesn't embrace
8:34
them upon return likely has a more
8:37
avoidant attachment style so for these
8:40
people emotional intimacy and closeness
8:42
in relationships is hard to come by and
8:45
they don't necessarily even understand
8:47
why it's important they don't
8:49
automatically subscribe to the fact that
8:51
we are in fact attachment beings who
8:54
thrive in interdependence and we do
8:57
better when we can be in a tribe in
8:59
connection with others and someone with
9:01
a dismissive attachment style doesn't
9:03
necessarily believe that nor do they
9:04
want to necessarily give up their
9:07
autonomy or Independence because that
9:09
would be risky so some statements that
9:12
someone with an avoidant attachment
9:14
style might make or behave they they
9:17
value their independence they need their
9:19
personal space I don't feel like feeling
9:21
tied down or obligated I like things the
9:24
way I like them I prefer to deal with
9:27
problems in my own way I don't need any
9:29
help they'll often times resist the help
9:31
of others trying to be there for them if
9:33
they are um going through something
9:36
difficult that is if you even know they
9:37
are going through something difficult
9:39
because oftentimes they won't share that
9:41
they are going through a hard time so
9:43
they really oftentimes keep to
9:45
themselves they have a hard time
9:46
trusting others and so they keep their
9:49
distance they won't lean on others they
9:52
might say things like emotions make me
9:53
feel uncomfortable or I don't do
9:56
vulnerability or I'd rather not get too
9:58
emotional I hate crying I don't like
10:01
crying um you know those are kinds of
10:04
things with someone with a more avoidant
10:05
attachment style might exhibit they
10:08
might Proclaim that they're fine on
10:09
their own they don't need someone else
10:11
to make them happy they don't need to
10:13
rely on others for their okay and not to
10:16
say that we should rely on other people
10:17
for our okayness but we can in
10:20
interdependent healthy relationships
10:22
absolutely affect the happiness and
10:24
wellness of of another person and we we
10:27
can contribute to overall uh calmness
10:31
and in a nervous system if we allow
10:33
ourselves to be in relationship and
10:35
connection with others uh these people
10:38
might say I'm not good at expressing my
10:40
emotions or my feelings so don't expect
10:42
me to uh this is just the way that I am
10:45
uh they might also try to say things
10:48
like I find it easier to focus on work
10:50
or hobbies and uh I just don't do
10:53
relationships so they might be avoidant
10:56
of social interactions or just Proclaim
10:59
being content by themselves so people
11:01
with avoidant attachment tend to be
11:04
again prioritizing Independence and
11:06
self-sufficiency they might avoid
11:08
emotional vulnerability and then
11:10
struggle again with forming deep
11:12
emotional connections so these are more
11:13
surface
11:15
relationships it's important to note
11:17
that people with avoid un attachment
11:19
Styles may still desire relationships
11:22
but they may approach them with a
11:23
guarded or more reserved demeanor and it
11:25
might take quite some time for them to
11:27
let their guard down and for you to be
11:30
able to be close to them building trust
11:33
in providing reassurance in a
11:35
relationship can help individuals uh
11:37
with avoid an attachment style feel more
11:39
secure and comfortable with emotional
11:42
intimacy over time I know that
11:44
personally I struggle with people with
11:46
an avoid and attachment style because my
11:49
unhealthier version of attachment style
11:51
was more preoccupied and anxious my
11:53
parents were there for me but then there
11:55
would be bouts of time where they
11:56
weren't emotionally available and so it
11:58
led left me kind of in doubt and so I
12:00
have more of an anxious attachment style
12:02
and so when I am in relationship with
12:05
someone with a more avoidant attachment
12:06
style I find myself more triggered in
12:09
the disconnection because I can't trust
12:11
it and so when I think about what I need
12:13
to do I need to ask for reassurance I
12:15
need to communicate my needs and
12:18
hopefully in in the relationships where
12:20
people are more avoidant they recognize
12:22
that I do need a little bit more
12:24
reassurance and even though it's scary
12:25
for them to allow themselves to move
12:27
closer to me ultimately in order to earn
12:30
a secure attachment Bond we both have to
12:32
wiggle and give a little bit in that
12:35
experience and the the last type of
12:37
attachment style that I'm going to
12:39
discuss is fearful or avoidant
12:41
attachment which is oftentimes referred
12:43
to as disorganized attachment people
12:46
who've had caregivers who were
12:48
inconsistent or abusive it leads to
12:51
conflicting emotions about relationships
12:53
in general can I trust that people will
12:55
be there can I trust that I can count on
12:57
someone uh
12:59
the attachment style is referred to as
13:01
disorganized because it combines
13:03
elements of both attachment or of
13:05
anxious attachment as well as that a
13:07
dismissive avoidant style and so this is
13:10
a more complex presentation because it's
13:14
it's it's not so cut and dry for them to
13:16
understand what they need and how to
13:18
express what they need and often times
13:20
they are either seeking and and moving
13:23
close but then when they move close to
13:26
someone and they feel that sense of
13:28
vulnerability and connection they might
13:30
then start to get a little bit jumpy
13:31
about it and start to withdraw and push
13:33
away and so it's confusing when we love
13:36
someone with this more of a disorganized
13:37
attachment style because we get the we
13:40
get the connection that We crave but
13:42
then it gets taken away from us because
13:44
their fear of the mistrust of that
13:46
safety and connection gets kicked up and
13:48
then they start to push away so traits
13:50
that someone with disorganized
13:52
attachment might present is that they
13:55
desire closeness but that they fear that
13:57
intimacy due to the past negative
13:59
experiences that they've had and so they
14:01
might struggle with trusting others and
14:03
forming stable relationships and they
14:05
end up in that pushpull Dynamic I want
14:08
to be connected with you but uh I'm so
14:10
afraid that I need to now push you away
14:12
and that's very confusing for someone
14:14
who is trying to be in relationship with
14:16
them and it can be pretty exhausting
14:18
when trying to navigate that
14:21
space someone that has disorganized
14:24
attachment as a as a child might have
14:26
odd or ambivalent Behavior toward a care
14:28
Giver upon return and then approaching
14:31
them and then turning away or sometimes
14:32
even hitting a caregiver when they come
14:35
and that is always the result of
14:37
childhood trauma and so when we see this
14:40
we want to get really curious about what
14:42
happened to someone to make them so
14:44
unstable in relationships people with
14:47
disorganized attachment often display
14:49
contradictory or unpredictable behaviors
14:52
in their relationships their statements
14:54
might reflect a mixture of both anxious
14:56
and avoidant tendencies and overall
14:59
sense of confusion in general uh around
15:02
fear of trusting a relationship and so
15:05
some things that uh a disorganized
15:08
attachment style person might say or act
15:11
like it's like I want to be close to you
15:13
but I'm so scared of getting hurt so I
15:15
pull myself away I don't know how to
15:17
handle emotions in a relationship it
15:19
feels too overwhelming so I might then
15:21
avoid them uh I want intimacy but I also
15:24
fear it so it's a constant struggle in
15:27
me the internal struggle is so profound
15:30
that I find myself in disarray when it
15:32
comes to connection and relationship I
15:35
push people away when I need them the
15:37
most I feel like I'm never going to be
15:39
good enough for anyone to fully love and
15:41
to trust that they'll want me and
15:44
they'll be there for me I'm so hungry
15:46
and crave connection but I'm afraid of
15:48
being vulnerable so I then push it away
15:51
I'm afraid you'll leave me so I try to
15:53
create distance and I don't understand
15:56
why I react this way it's like I have
15:58
these conflict iting feelings and I
15:59
don't know what to do about it so it
16:01
creates a lot of instability for someone
16:03
who struggles with this type of
16:04
attachment I feel lost in relationships
16:07
I don't know where I am and where others
16:09
begin and I I don't know how to navigate
16:12
the overwhelm of the emotions that go
16:14
along with connection and uh the
16:16
instability in my own nervous system I
16:19
want stability but I'm afraid of getting
16:21
too comfortable because what if it's
16:22
pulled right out from under me and so I
16:25
struggle to trust that it would be there
16:28
so the these statements reflect that
16:30
internal conflict and confusion that
16:32
individuals with disorganized attachment
16:34
often have and they experience in
16:36
relationships and their symptoms of this
16:38
are often times of course greater for
16:41
obvious reasons when they're struggling
16:42
to try to establish connection and
16:45
relationships so their behavior might
16:47
appear inconsistent and they struggle
16:49
with forming and maintaining secure
16:51
attention uh connections for obvious
16:53
reasons so we can seek therapy and work
16:56
to develop awareness and resolve some of
17:00
the trauma that created this push pole
17:02
dynamic in our nervous system in order
17:05
to get to a place of more stability for
17:09
uh the growth of trust and the growth of
17:12
connection and the ability to let
17:14
somebody in when they have proven in
17:16
small moments over time that they are in
17:18
fact trustworthy to be there for me and
17:21
so when you think about your own
17:22
attachment Style just get curious about
17:25
what could have happened in your story
17:27
to make that presenting issue part of
17:30
your um part of your relational overlay
17:34
uh if you would like to learn more about
17:36
your attachment style I highly recommend
17:38
this awesome book attached this is a
17:42
great kind of Bible to attachment and
17:44
you'll learn so much about yourself kind
17:46
of the why and and how things came to be
17:50
for you in your nervous system related
17:52
to the consistency or inconsistency of
17:55
your primary caregivers especially in
17:57
those early years and of course if just
18:01
reading about it doesn't seem to be
18:02
slowing down your nervous system enough
18:04
I highly encourage you to reach out and
18:07
find a therapist that can help you work
18:09
through these attachment issues highly
18:11
recommend EMDR therapy as it will help
18:13
you to resolve unresolved um encoded
18:17
memories that helped lay the groundwork
18:19
for how you trust in the world and how
18:21
you naturally connect or don't allow
18:23
yourself to so thank you so much I hope
18:26
that this topic was helpful for you uh
18:29
just as a little side note attachment
18:32
Styles aren't so black and white they
18:34
aren't rigid they are a little bit
18:36
flexible people might show some of these
18:39
uh traits and and behaviors in both
18:42
categories so it's not black and white
18:44
but we tend to have a more natural
18:46
propensity to lean in based on our
18:48
stories to you know one or the other of
18:52
the anxious or the avoidant attachment
18:54
Styles but understanding your own
18:55
attachment style and that of others
18:57
contributes to a much healthier
19:00
relationship and much more fulfilling
19:02
relationships so thank you very much for
19:05
listening today I hope that you found it
19:07
useful and don't forget to lead with
19:09
love it'll never steer you
19:12
[Music]
19:27
wrong
19:29
[Music]
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