Up next in 10
Why do people cheat? This episode, unpacks the six real reasons behind infidelity, emotional disconnection, unmet needs, low commitment, situational pressures, self-esteem, and attachment injuries plus what reconciliation takes, what discovery feels like for both partners, and the odds a marriage survives an affair. The anchor episode of the series. (Repackaged from the original Infidelity episode.)
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:06
Hi everyone. I'm Kelly O'Horo.
0:09
And this is Adaptable Behavior
0:11
Explained. Hi everybody. Welcome back to
0:13
Adaptable Behavior Explained. I'm your
0:15
host Kelly O'Horo. I'm a therapist, EMDR
0:18
consultant, trainer, mom of five, nona,
0:21
and somebody who spent the last 16 years
0:24
walking alongside people through some of
0:26
the most painful chapters of their
0:28
lives. And this is part two of our
0:30
series on infidelity after the affair.
0:33
In our first conversation, we looked at
0:36
many reasons why people are unfaithful.
0:38
And today, I want to go underneath all
0:40
of them
0:41
uh to the reason that explains more
0:43
affairs than almost any other and the
0:45
ones we talk about the least. And this
0:47
is related to attach- attachment. Here's
0:50
something that might surprise you. Most
0:52
affairs aren't really about sex. They're
0:54
not even really about the other person.
0:57
More often than not, an affair is about
1:00
a longing the person can't name. A wound
1:03
that was there long before their partner
1:05
ever arrived. And sometimes the very
1:08
thing that cracks that wound wide open
1:10
is something beautiful. And that's the
1:12
birth of a child. In many scenarios, I
1:15
have heard with clients and other people
1:18
that I've met this scenario. So, in this
1:21
episode, you're going to learn why
1:24
"Who did you cheat with?" is the wrong
1:25
question and to ask instead what
1:28
attachment injuries are and how quietly
1:30
form in childhood and how they affect
1:33
our behavior later in life.
1:35
Why a tender ordinary moment where a
1:37
wife nurturing a new baby can ignite an
1:40
old wound in her partner.
1:42
I'm going to share a couple of stories
1:44
of men whose affairs began not from lack
1:47
of love from their wives or for their
1:49
wives, but from the pain that they
1:51
didn't understand in their own story.
1:53
And most importantly, how this kind of
1:55
wound can actually heal. So, let's talk
1:58
first about how most of the time we ask
2:01
the wrong question.
2:02
Infidelity comes to light, the first
2:04
questions are almost always, "How could
2:06
you? And who is she?" And those
2:09
questions make complete sense because,
2:11
especially as the partner that was
2:13
cheated on, it
2:15
stabs our security and our confidence.
2:17
And they come straight out of
2:19
devastation. But as a therapist, the
2:21
question I'm listening for is a
2:23
different one. It's not who, it's what
2:26
happened to you that made you feel like
2:29
that's the answer. Because behavior
2:31
always has a why, and the why is almost
2:34
always way older than the marriage or
2:36
the relationship. So, let's talk a
2:38
little bit about what an attachment
2:40
injury is. I have several episodes and
2:42
an whole series on attachment, and I
2:44
think really most of us should watch
2:46
about attachment because we don't learn
2:48
this in our childhoods. But from the
2:50
time we're born, we're learning one
2:52
quiet question. When I need closeness,
2:55
comfort, or attention, is it welcome?
2:57
Am I wanted? And for some of us, the
3:00
answer growing up was a steady yes, but
3:02
for many, the answer was complicated.
3:05
Maybe a parent was overwhelmed, or
3:07
grieving, or working three jobs, or had
3:10
three other children, or simply never
3:12
learned how to nurture because no one
3:14
ever nurtured them.
3:15
So, when our need for connection is
3:17
repeatedly unmet, dismissed, or treated
3:20
as a burden, we adapt. Some of us
3:23
learned to chase love anxiously. Others
3:25
learned the opposite, to need nothing.
3:28
To go quiet, to never be the one asking.
3:31
And we carry these blueprints into
3:33
adulthood.
3:34
Mostly without knowing it, and then they
3:36
run silently uh in the background until
3:39
something presses directly on that
3:41
wound.
3:42
And something I've heard many, many
3:43
times uh is that the birth of a new baby
3:47
kind of cracks something open in a
3:49
partner with this kind of attachment
3:51
wound.
3:52
So,
3:53
a baby reorganizes an entire household.
3:56
If you've had children, you know exactly
3:58
what I'm talking about.
4:00
And it organizes around one tiny,
4:03
all-consuming need. And the mother,
4:06
rightly, beautifully, pours herself into
4:09
that infant. She's up at 3:00 a.m.,
4:11
she's up at 6:00 a.m., she's feeding the
4:13
baby, she's learning the baby's every
4:15
cue, every sound. She lights up at a
4:18
single smile. She stares and kisses that
4:20
baby all day long if she has the luxury
4:22
to do so. And this is exactly as it's
4:25
meant to be to develop secure
4:27
attachment. But, when you think about
4:30
that, I want you to picture the man
4:32
standing at the edge of that scene who's
4:35
carrying an old attachment injury. A man
4:37
who, as a child, didn't get enough of
4:39
that kind of tenderness himself. And
4:42
watching his wife give the baby that
4:44
bottomless, attuned love can stir up
4:46
something in him that he doesn't have
4:49
any words to describe. And it's not
4:51
jealousy of the baby, it's longing for
4:54
something he didn't experience in his
4:56
own life. And there's grief. And a part
4:59
of him that never got held like that
5:01
suddenly is very awake and aching and
5:04
doesn't understand why. He feels deep
5:06
shame for even feeling it.
5:08
So, what kind of man is jealous of his
5:11
own child, he might ask himself. So, he
5:13
buries it and he shoves it down. And
5:16
then someone outside of the home,
5:17
someone with no diapers and no
5:19
exhaustion and no baby spit up all over
5:21
them, doesn't have any divided
5:23
attention, offers the exact thing that
5:26
he's starving for. That undistracted
5:28
time, attention, attunement. And that
5:31
feels like the thing that's been missing
5:33
his whole life.
5:34
And so, let me tell you about two
5:36
different men, two different lives, but
5:38
that same ache. Let's call him Daniel.
5:41
Daniel adored his wife. And when their
5:44
first son was born, she became, in his
5:47
words, an incredible mother. She was
5:49
loving, she was nurturing, she was
5:50
there. She nursed through the night, she
5:53
anticipated every need. She glowed, and
5:56
Daniel was proud of her, and really glad
5:58
that his baby had a mother like this.
6:00
And at that very same time, he feels
6:04
like he's disappearing, like he no
6:05
longer matters, there's no room for him,
6:08
there's no desire for him. And he'd lay
6:10
awake at night next to them feeling like
6:12
a stranger in his own home. And then he
6:14
didn't allow himself for feeling that.
6:17
And so, here's what we uncovered
6:18
together. Daniel was the oldest of four.
6:21
When his younger siblings started
6:23
arriving, the warmth and attention he'd
6:25
known started to evaporate from his mom.
6:28
He learned at about 5 years old that
6:30
needing his mother made him an
6:31
inconvenience. She'd sigh, she'd be
6:34
overwhelmed,
6:36
she'd give him what he needed
6:37
begrudgingly, and so he became the easy
6:40
one. The one that was the helper, the
6:43
kid who never asked for anything. And he
6:45
buried the need so deep that he
6:47
genuinely forgot it was there, until he
6:49
watched his wife holding their son.
6:52
The way no one had really ever held him,
6:54
and the 5-year-old inside of him broke
6:56
wide open.
6:58
So, a coworker starts staying late,
7:01
asking how he's doing, actually
7:03
listening, looking him in the eyes. She
7:06
had no distractions, and for the first
7:08
time in years, Daniel felt seen.
7:10
The affair wasn't about her, and it
7:12
wasn't about sex. It was about a little
7:14
boy who never got picked up, held,
7:17
nurtured.
7:18
Now, I want to be very clear, none of
7:20
that excuses the betrayal. Daniel caused
7:23
his wife profound pain, and part of his
7:26
healing was facing that shame fully, and
7:29
it is a full-contact emotion. But if we
7:32
had only treated the behavior, he would
7:34
have missed out on that wound that
7:35
caused and drove that behavior in the
7:37
first place.
7:39
So, I'm going to take a moment and let
7:40
you think about that if this is
7:42
something that's happened to you or
7:44
somebody that you know.
7:46
And now let's talk about another person.
7:49
Let's call him Marcus.
7:51
He comes to see me after his second
7:53
child was born.
7:54
Same ache, different shape.
7:57
Marcus grew up with a mom who struggled
7:59
with depression, present in body but
8:01
often far away in spirit, and the lesson
8:05
he absorbed was that the way to be loved
8:07
was to need nothing, to be no trouble,
8:09
to never add to her plate
8:11
or anyone's heavy load for that matter.
8:14
And so when the babies came and his wife
8:16
was running on empty, Marcus never told
8:18
her he was lonely. To him saying that
8:20
out loud would have made him a burden,
8:23
and the one thing he'd organized his
8:24
entire life around was never being that.
8:28
He just got quieter, kept to himself,
8:31
and more helpful, more invisible. And
8:34
then a woman at his gym, uncomplicated,
8:37
available, genuinely delighted by him,
8:40
became the one place he could feel
8:42
wanted without ever having to ask.
8:44
Marcus wasn't chasing excitement, he was
8:46
chasing the feeling of mattering to
8:48
someone who actually had room for him.
8:50
So let's look at what's really happening
8:52
underneath.
8:53
In both stories, the affair was a
8:55
misguided attempt at self-repair.
8:58
A nervous system that had been starved
9:00
of attunement found a fast, powerful way
9:03
to feel regulated and valued again. It's
9:06
not an excuse, make no mistake. Both men
9:08
caused deep harm and had to own it
9:11
completely, but it is an explanation and
9:13
it matters because if all we ever treat
9:16
is behavior, we miss the wound and the
9:18
reason for the behavior. And an unhealed
9:20
wound simply will find a new exit.
9:23
The longing for nurturance when it's
9:25
never been understood doesn't disappear.
9:27
It just goes underground until it can't
9:29
be buried any longer.
9:31
And underground is exactly where affairs
9:34
are born.
9:35
So let's talk about the path back.
9:37
Here's where there's real hope, and when
9:40
we can finally name the injury. So,
9:42
let's talk about Daniel. When he can
9:44
grieve the boy who was overlooked, when
9:46
Marcus can let himself need without
9:48
shame, that behavior starts to lose its
9:51
grip. And this is precisely the kind of
9:54
old stuff wound that EMDR therapy is
9:56
built for. It helps the brain reprocess
9:59
those early memories so that they stop
10:01
quietly running the show.
10:03
And the urges and the impulses that get
10:06
us into trouble. And for the couple, the
10:08
work becomes learning to turn toward
10:10
each other in those vulnerable, wordless
10:12
moments instead of away from one
10:14
another.
10:15
A new baby doesn't have to be a threat
10:17
to a marriage. Sometimes it's the very
10:19
thing that finally brings an old wound
10:21
to the surface. And so, with that, we
10:23
can be grateful, and then we can pay
10:25
attention to it.
10:27
So, if you take anything from today, let
10:29
it be this. If you're carrying something
10:31
you can't name, get curious instead of
10:34
ashamed.
10:35
Ask yourself, "When have I felt this
10:37
exact loneliness, this ache, this
10:40
longing before?"
10:42
The answer is usually much, much older
10:44
than this current moment. And if you're
10:46
the partner of someone who strayed,
10:48
their wound is not your failure. It's
10:50
not your fault. You didn't cause it, and
10:53
you could not have loved it away. That
10:56
space that is empty in that person's
10:58
heart can't be filled without their own
11:00
self-work. So, if you're walking through
11:02
this together, the goal isn't to assign
11:04
blame for the wound. It's not continuous
11:06
shaming. It's to understand it so that
11:09
you can keep operating out loud and
11:11
awake.
11:13
So, if this episode resonated with you,
11:15
or if you are someone who's experienced
11:17
this on either side of the relationship,
11:19
I hope that this is helpful. Please
11:21
subscribe and share this so that you
11:23
don't miss the rest of the series After
11:25
the Affair. And I want you to share it
11:27
with someone who might need to hear this
11:29
because there's a why beneath the pain.
11:32
And if any of this hit close to home,
11:33
healing these attachment wounds is at
11:35
the root and there is work that can
11:37
help. EMDR and couples EFT therapy can
11:41
help.
11:42
And we'll give you some links below to
11:44
find a therapist or practitioner in your
11:46
area.
11:47
So, thank you so much for tuning in and
11:49
if you are going through this, please
11:51
share with us in the comments below. And
11:53
until next time, don't forget to lead
11:54
with love. It'll never steer you wrong.
11:57
>> [music]
#People & Society