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Should you stay or go after infidelity? EMDR therapist Kelly O'Horo walks through how to make the decision, what makes reconciliation possible (and what doesn't), the real red flags, and why there's no shameful answer either way.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Welcome
0:12
back to Adaptable, the show where we
0:14
help you navigate life's challenges with
0:16
greater awareness, resilience, and
0:18
compassion. Today we're continuing our
0:21
series on infidelity, and we're talking
0:24
about one of the most difficult parts of
0:26
the healing journey. How do you rebuild
0:28
trust after an affair? After discovery,
0:31
many couples find themselves asking the
0:33
same question. Will I ever trust them
0:35
again? And the answer is complicated
0:37
because trust isn't restored by an
0:39
apology. It's not rebuilt because enough
0:42
time has passed. And it certainly isn't
0:44
recovered because someone says, "Just
0:47
move on. It's over." And I told you that
0:50
trust is rebuilt through thousands of
0:52
small moments, consistent actions,
0:54
emotional safety, and a willingness to
0:57
something entirely new. If you're the
0:59
betrayed partner, you may be wondering
1:01
if trust is even possible. And if you're
1:03
the partner who had the affair, you may
1:05
be wondering if you'll ever be forgiven.
1:08
Today's episode is about understanding
1:09
what trust really is, how it gets
1:12
rebuilt, and why healing requires more
1:14
than simply returning to what was. So,
1:17
let's start with a truth that can be
1:19
difficult to hear. Because the goal
1:21
isn't to get back to the relationship
1:23
you had before the affair because that
1:26
relationship is over. Now, before that
1:28
statement feels discouraging, stay with
1:30
me because one of the most important
1:32
ideas in trauma recovery and grief work
1:34
and relationship healing is that
1:37
something that once existed has to die
1:39
before something new can be born. The
1:42
relationship that existed before, the
1:44
affair is no longer. The assumptions are
1:46
different. The innocence is gone. And
1:48
the trust has been wounded. But that
1:50
doesn't necessarily mean the
1:52
relationship has to end. It means that
1:55
if healing occurs, what emerges on the
1:57
other side will be a totally different
1:59
relationship. Not a restored version of
2:02
the old one, but a brand new one. And
2:05
sometimes that new relationship becomes
2:07
healthier, deeper, and more emotionally
2:10
honest than the one that existed before.
2:12
In fact, my experience has been that
2:15
when both couple, both members of the
2:17
couple are willing to do the deep work
2:19
that is required, they're some of the
2:21
most amazingly strong, resilient master
2:23
couples that I've ever worked with. So
2:26
many couples unknowingly sabotage
2:28
recovery because they're trying to go
2:30
backward. They're trying to recreate the
2:32
relationship that existed before the
2:34
affair. But healing requires moving
2:36
forward. The work isn't rebuilding the
2:39
past. The work is building something
2:40
new. And to do that, you have to
2:42
understand how trust actually works. So
2:45
that's what we're going to dig into now
2:46
is what trust really is. When people
2:49
think about trust, they often think of
2:51
it as a feeling. But Bnee Brown teaches
2:54
something very different. She says that
2:56
trust is built in small moments over
2:58
time. And in her work, she developed
3:00
what she calls the braving framework for
3:02
trust, which includes boundaries,
3:05
reliability, accountability, vault,
3:08
which is confidentiality,
3:10
integrity, non-judgment, and generosity.
3:13
And one of my favorite things that Bnee
3:15
Brown says is that trust is earned in
3:17
the smallest of moments, not in the
3:19
grand gestures, not in dramatic
3:22
apologies. It's the daily moments,
3:25
keeping promises or following through or
3:27
being emotionally available, doing what
3:29
you say you're going to do, being able
3:31
to be counted on. That's actually how
3:34
trust grows. And it's also how trust is
3:36
rebuilt after betrayal.
3:39
So trust is not a feeling, it's an
3:42
experience. And one of the biggest
3:44
misconceptions is that trust returns
3:46
before action. In reality, the opposite
3:48
is true. Most betrayed partners don't
3:51
suddenly wake up one day and feel
3:52
trusting. Trust develops after repeated
3:55
experiences of safety and new neural
3:58
pathways developing from the fractures
4:00
of the compromised trust in the first
4:02
place. So I want you to think about it
4:04
this way. You don't trust because you
4:06
feel safe. You trust because someone
4:08
repeatedly demonstrates that they are
4:10
safe, which then builds in you
4:13
trustworthiness.
4:14
This means that the partner who had the
4:16
affair must understand something that's
4:18
really important. Patience is part of
4:20
repair. Trust isn't something you ask
4:22
for. It's something that you demonstrate
4:25
over and over and over again. And so I
4:30
talked about in my last episode a little
4:32
bit about transparency being a huge part
4:35
and a factor in this work. And so now
4:37
I'm going to talk about something called
4:38
radical transparency. Uh John and Julie
4:41
Gottman talk extensively about
4:43
rebuilding trust after betrayal with
4:45
this concept. And one of the pillars of
4:47
healing is transparency. Not because
4:50
anyone wants to become a detective, but
4:52
because secrecy was part of the initial
4:54
injury. So after affair, transparency
4:57
helps to restore safety. This might
4:59
include voluntarily sharing your
5:02
information or your location or your
5:04
passwords. Uh being open about
5:06
schedules, answering questions honestly,
5:09
even if you're worried about the
5:11
judgment from your partner about what
5:12
your answer might be, eliminating
5:14
secrecy, and following through on
5:16
agreements. Transparency is not
5:18
punishment. Transparency is reassurance.
5:21
It's a way of saying, "I understand why
5:23
trust was broken and I'm willing to help
5:26
you to rebuild it." Now, some of you
5:28
might be thinking that's an invasion of
5:30
privacy, but I grossly disagree. If
5:32
you've done something to fracture the
5:34
confidence in the a nervous system of
5:36
someone that trusted you and believed in
5:38
you and relied upon you, then the very
5:40
least that you can do is give them full
5:43
access to whatever they're afraid you
5:45
could be hiding something from them
5:47
because it can help them start to
5:49
understand the inner workings of you.
5:51
And that's transparency. Now, the
5:53
importance of emotional attunement is
5:55
next because clearly if there was a
5:58
betrayal or infidelity that took place,
6:00
there's a bit of
6:02
disconnection from self and needs and
6:04
emotional experiences. And so being
6:07
attuned, meaning paying attention to the
6:09
emotional workings of both yourself and
6:11
your partner are incredibly important in
6:14
this part of the work. Uh Dr. Sue
6:16
Johnson, who's the founder of
6:17
emotionally focused couples therapy and
6:20
the kind of work that I do with couples,
6:22
uh teaches that betrayal creates an
6:24
attachment injury. And remember,
6:25
attachment starts from our earliest
6:28
relationships. And at its core, the
6:30
injured is often asking internal
6:33
questions like, "Do I matter to you? Can
6:35
I count on you?" "Will you be there for
6:37
me?" or "Am I safe with you?" Rebuilding
6:40
trust requires answering those questions
6:42
repeatedly through action, not through
6:44
words. And emotionally responsive
6:46
partners don't avoid the pain. They're
6:48
willing to sit in it. They're present
6:50
for it. That means they're listening.
6:52
They're validating. They're patient.
6:54
They show empathy. And they're resisting
6:56
the urge to become defensive or
6:58
impatient. One of the greatest gifts of
7:01
hurting a hurting partner can receive is
7:03
not an explanation, but it's just
7:05
emotional presence for the for the
7:07
injured party to be able to just feel
7:10
however they need to feel without you
7:13
taking it personally if you're the one
7:14
who caused the harm. So, now we're going
7:17
to talk about why defensiveness destroys
7:19
recovery and the chances of it. Because
7:21
when couples struggle with rebuilding
7:23
trust, defensiveness is often at the
7:25
center of the problem. And the person
7:27
might hear, "Why can't you get over it?"
7:29
Or, "I've already apologized." Or, "I've
7:31
told you the details so many times. Why
7:33
do you keep asking me?" Or, "You're
7:35
bringing this up again. Nothing I ever
7:37
tell you or say is enough for you to get
7:39
through this." And those responses just
7:42
communicate frustration. They don't
7:44
create safety. And defensiveness creates
7:46
distance. So, healing often, I would say
7:49
even more than often, requires
7:51
understanding that that betrayed partner
7:53
isn't trying to punish. They're just
7:55
trying to understand. They're really
7:57
trying to figure out what they missed so
8:00
that they can protect themselves again,
8:01
which is a misnomer because nothing
8:03
about the way they did or didn't take
8:05
care of you is why this happened if you
8:08
never brought uh to them the attention
8:10
that they needed to pay uh closer notice
8:14
to. They're trying to feel safe again.
8:16
And safety grows when pain is met with
8:18
compassion rather than resistance. And
8:20
so this is part of the process that you
8:22
must be willing to get through no matter
8:25
how long it takes in order to come
8:27
through the other side. And again,
8:29
digging deep for both persons is
8:30
required. Now this next section is
8:33
really about the grief that has to
8:34
happen related to the old relationship.
8:37
And a lot of people try to skip this
8:39
because they want to go back to what was
8:41
comfortable, what was familiar, and what
8:43
they were used to. And before trust can
8:46
be rebuilt, there must be space to
8:48
acknowledge what was lost. that old
8:50
relationship being gone, the certainty,
8:52
that innocence, those assumptions we
8:54
could make about one another, and the
8:56
unquestioned safety, those are all gone.
8:58
And that loss deserves grief. And many
9:01
people stay stuck because one person
9:03
wants to just move ahead while the other
9:05
person is still trying to make sense of
9:06
it all. So healing can accelerate when
9:09
both people make room for the grief
9:11
about what they've been through and what
9:12
they've lost. Because grief is not the
9:14
opposite of healing. It's part of the
9:16
healing.
9:17
A lot of times people really try to
9:20
shortcut that part of the um the healing
9:23
process.
9:25
And so building the new relationship is
9:27
the goal. And once that grief is
9:29
acknowledged and safety begins to
9:31
return, something really amazing can
9:34
happen. And it's some of my most
9:36
favorite work to get to do with people
9:37
who are really willing to get gritty and
9:39
dig in and go to those deep dark places
9:42
that they avoided prior to the
9:44
infidelity. Um because what happens on
9:46
the other side is so beautiful and they
9:49
can really work hard to create that that
9:52
relationship can become much more honest
9:54
and vulnerable and emotionally connected
9:57
and deep and authentic. And that's why
10:01
many experts talk about there's a lot of
10:04
post-traumatic growth that can happen
10:05
after infidelity if both persons are
10:08
willing to do the work. And it's not
10:09
because the affair was good and it's not
10:11
because the pain was necessary. It's
10:14
because people who choose to grow
10:16
through that experience rather than
10:18
avoid it get to have so much benefit on
10:21
the other side. And so the goal is the
10:24
healing that follows after the affair if
10:26
this is something that you've gone
10:28
through. And again, if only one of you
10:30
is willing to do that work, it's not
10:31
possible. I don't believe that one
10:33
person can be solely responsible for the
10:36
demise of a relationship, nor can one
10:38
person be entirely capable of carrying
10:42
the burden of all of the healing if
10:44
another part if another party in the
10:46
relationship is unwilling to do the work
10:49
which there's a lot of grief that has to
10:50
come with that as well. So if you're
10:53
rebuilding trust after an affair, here's
10:55
a few things to focus on this week. I
10:57
want you to look for consistency, not
10:59
perfection. Trust isn't built through
11:01
perfection. It's it's rebuilt through
11:03
consistency. So ask, am I seeing steady,
11:06
reliable effort? Are there small actions
11:09
that I can see? because those matter way
11:11
more than big promises. You want to
11:14
focus on safety before trust grows and
11:16
ask what helps me feel emotionally safe
11:19
right now and make sure that you
11:20
communicate that because safety creates
11:23
the conditions where trust can grow
11:25
again. You want to remember that healing
11:28
creates something new. Stop measuring
11:30
your success by whether things feel like
11:32
they used to because that would actually
11:34
be a red flag. If it feels the same as
11:36
it used to, then likely that pattern
11:38
that caused the infidelity in the first
11:40
place could come back. And so we don't
11:42
really want that. You want to ask what
11:44
kind of relationship are we creating
11:46
now? Because the future doesn't have to
11:48
look like the past to be healthy. In
11:49
fact, it shouldn't if if you want to
11:52
have improvement and come through the
11:53
other side, it should look pretty
11:55
different. So today we talked about how
11:57
trust is rebuilt after an affair. We
12:00
talked about Bnee Brown's reminder that
12:02
trust is built in small moments over
12:04
time. And we talked about the Gothman's
12:06
emphasis on transparency, in fact,
12:09
radical transparency to help with
12:11
consistent trust building behaviors. And
12:13
we talked about Sue Johnson's
12:15
understanding of betrayal as an
12:17
attachment injury that requires
12:18
emotional responsiveness and safety and
12:21
consistency. And most importantly, we
12:23
talked about the reality that the
12:25
relationship that existed before the
12:27
affair is gone, that that something has
12:29
died and ended and something new can be
12:32
reborn. And although that can be
12:34
heartbreaking, it creates that
12:36
opportunity for new hope and something
12:38
amazing to emerge. And the possibility
12:41
of creating something stronger and more
12:43
honest and more connected than what what
12:46
you had before is really the net benefit
12:48
if both people are willing to work on
12:50
it. So healing is really about
12:53
courageously building a new normal in a
12:55
new relationship. So if you found this
12:57
show helpful, I'd love you to subscribe.
13:00
uh please leave a review or share it
13:01
with someone that might benefit from
13:03
this conversation and I'd love to hear
13:05
from you what you thought is was the
13:08
most important ingredient ingredient for
13:10
you in rebuilding trust after betrayal.
13:12
Um leave us a comment or send a message,
13:15
connect with me on my other social
13:16
medias and we can continue the
13:17
conversation. So thank you so much for
13:20
your time today and until next time,
13:22
don't forget to lead with love. It'll
13:24
never steer you wrong.
13:26
[music]
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