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How do you rebuild trust after an affair? Kelly O'Horo shares the reconciliation roadmap, honest communication, full accountability, radical transparency, patience, and the therapies (EFT and EMDR) that help couples heal.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone. I'm Kelly O'Hora.
0:09
And this is Adaptable Behavior
0:11
Explained.
0:12
>> Welcome back to Adaptable, the show
0:14
where we help you navigate life's
0:16
challenges with greater awareness,
0:17
resilience, and compassion. Today, we're
0:20
continuing our series on infidelity, but
0:22
we're shifting our focus. This episode
0:25
is for the person who had the affair.
0:27
The person who broke the trust, the
0:29
person who caused the pain.
0:31
And if that's you, I imagine you're
0:32
carrying a lot right now. Maybe you're
0:34
overwhelmed with guilt, maybe you're
0:36
consumed by shame.
0:38
Maybe you're just desperate to fix
0:40
things. Or maybe you're wondering
0:41
whether your relationship can ever
0:43
recover from what happened. If any of
0:45
that sounds familiar, I want you to know
0:47
one thing. This episode is not about
0:49
judging you, it's about helping you
0:51
understand what comes next. Because if
0:54
you truly want to heal, rebuild trust,
0:56
and become a safer partner moving
0:58
forward, there is a path. But it begins
1:00
with taking honest and honest look at
1:03
what happened and being willing to do
1:05
the deeper work required to ensure that
1:07
it never happens again.
1:09
So, let me start with a difficult but
1:11
important truth.
1:13
Feeling bad about what you did is not
1:15
the same thing as changing. Many people
1:17
believe that because they feel guilty or
1:19
remorseful or ashamed that they're
1:21
already doing the work, and that's the
1:22
first step. But guilt is a feeling and
1:25
healing is a process. Accountability is
1:28
a choice and trust is built through
1:30
action.
1:32
Because the reality is you can be
1:33
devastated by your behavior and still
1:36
avoid the deeper issues that led to it
1:38
in the first place. The goal isn't
1:40
simply to feel sorry, it's to become
1:42
someone who is emotionally safe,
1:44
trustworthy, and capable of protecting
1:45
the relationship that matters the most
1:48
to you.
1:49
One of the biggest mistakes people make
1:51
after an affair is focusing on like
1:53
entirely on ending the crisis. They want
1:56
to stop the arguments. They want
1:58
forgiveness. They want to feel relief
2:00
from the guilt. But, healing isn't about
2:02
returning things to normal. The reality
2:05
is what existed before the affair is
2:07
gone.
2:08
The relationship that once was has died.
2:11
And the trust that once existed has been
2:13
broken.
2:15
And while that can be painful to
2:16
acknowledge, it also creates an
2:18
opportunity for you. Because for
2:20
something new to be born, something old
2:23
usually has to die. And that's one of
2:25
the hardest things that I have to share
2:26
with clients when they're doing this
2:27
work. The goal isn't to go back. The
2:30
goal is to become better so that this
2:32
never happens again.
2:33
To become a better partner, a safer
2:35
partner, and a more emotionally aware
2:38
partner. Because if you were absent in
2:41
the awareness of your own needs, this is
2:43
likely what led up to this behavior in
2:44
the first place.
2:46
So, let's talk about shame versus
2:48
accountability. We're going to begin
2:50
with one of the most important
2:51
distinctions in the recovery process.
2:54
And that's the difference between shame
2:56
and accountability.
2:57
Shame says, "I'm a bad person. I am
3:00
unforgivable. And I am broken." Whereas
3:02
accountability says, "I made harmful
3:04
choices. And my actions hurt people. And
3:07
I am responsible for repairing the
3:09
damage."
3:11
When people get stuck in shame,
3:13
something interesting happens. The focus
3:15
remains on them. Interestingly, the
3:17
cause of the behavior in the in the
3:19
betrayal then gets flipped around on the
3:21
person that caused it. And their guilt
3:23
is the focus, their discomfort,
3:25
their pain. And while those feelings are
3:27
understandable, they can actually become
3:29
obstacles to repair. Because healing
3:32
requires turning your attention toward
3:34
the impact of your actions.
3:36
So, the question shifts from, "How do I
3:38
stop feeling bad?" to, "How do I become
3:41
someone capable of making different
3:43
choices? Of being more awake in my
3:45
emotional needs and learning how to
3:47
express those needs before it's too
3:50
late."
3:51
So, we're going to first talk about how
3:53
contact must end. If the affair is over
3:57
and reconciliation is your goal, there
3:59
is a non-negotiable, and that first step
4:01
is the affair must end completely. Not a
4:04
little, not partway, but 100%.
4:08
Not emotionally, not eventually, but
4:11
completely. So, that means no texting,
4:14
no secret communication, no social media
4:17
DMs, no checking in, no keeping the door
4:21
open like just in case. And many couples
4:24
struggle because one partner says the
4:26
affair is over while still maintaining
4:28
some form of contact. So, from the
4:30
perspective of the betrayed partner,
4:32
every continued interaction represents
4:34
an ongoing threat to their safety and
4:36
the rebuilding of trust. And trust can't
4:39
grow while the attachment to the affair
4:41
partner remains active. Healing begins
4:43
when the relationship is protective, uh
4:46
protected rather, and not when options
4:48
are preserved or keeping a door open is
4:50
part of the situation. So, the next step
4:52
is figuring out why did this happen in
4:54
the first place? And one of the
4:55
questions that I hear the most is why
4:58
did I do this? I don't even understand.
5:00
Many people want a simple answer, but
5:02
affairs rarely have simple causes.
5:05
That's why the deeper work is so
5:06
important. It's not black and white. The
5:09
goal is not merely understanding what
5:11
happened, the goal is understanding what
5:13
made the affair feel like an acceptable
5:15
solution to the pain or the unmet needs
5:17
that they're experiencing.
5:19
So, some questions worth exploring
5:21
include what needs was I trying to meet?
5:25
How did I justify my behavior?
5:28
What boundaries failed? And what
5:30
personal wounds was I avoiding so that I
5:33
reached for someone else to help me feel
5:35
better?
5:36
What risks was I willing to ignore and
5:38
what was happening emotionally before
5:40
the affair began?
5:43
Without understanding the underlying
5:44
dynamics, people often repeat the same
5:46
patterns later. And I always let people
5:48
know, if you leave a relationship
5:50
without taking care of the the luggage
5:53
or the baggage that you would bring, you
5:55
will absolutely likely repair or repeat
5:58
the behaviors that you had in your last
6:00
relationship in the next relationship.
6:02
So, bringing those different patterns
6:04
show up in different relationships with
6:06
the same unresolved issues, and then of
6:08
course the same unfortunate outcome.
6:11
Now, the next thing we have to talk
6:12
about is becoming safe again.
6:14
And one of the hardest realities for an
6:16
unfaithful partner is to accept this,
6:18
that your partner no longer experiences
6:21
you as safe. So, you might have been
6:23
their person, but this disruption or
6:25
rupture created a fracture that that
6:28
needs a lot of work to repair. And so,
6:29
you're no longer perceived as that safe
6:31
person to them. And that doesn't mean
6:33
you're dangerous, it means that trust
6:35
has been injured. And safety has to be
6:37
rebuilt, which takes time. And safety is
6:40
created through consistency,
6:42
honesty, reliability,
6:45
transparency, which is a really hard
6:47
thing to learn to come through shame,
6:49
and emotional availability. It's that
6:51
vulnerability is emotional exposure with
6:54
risk. There's no guarantee of the
6:55
outcome.
6:57
Safety develops when your words and
6:58
actions begin matching over time.
7:01
It develops when your partner stops
7:03
having to chase the truth because you're
7:05
willingly offering it to them
7:06
proactively. And it develops when your
7:09
behavior becomes predictable in a
7:11
positive way.
7:12
Trust is not built through explanations.
7:15
Trust is rebuilt through experiences and
7:17
practice. So, the next section is
7:20
related to tolerating the discomfort and
7:23
the pain and being present at the same
7:26
time. And one of the greatest challenges
7:28
for people, especially the unfaithful
7:30
partner, is learning how to tolerate
7:32
their partner's pain without becoming
7:34
defensive. And this is tricky.
7:36
You may be thinking, you know, I beat
7:38
myself up enough. I've said I'm sorry. I
7:40
don't know why I can never be left off
7:42
the hook. And you may hear the same
7:44
questions from your partner repeatedly.
7:47
You may revisit painful conversations.
7:49
You may feel frustrated that healing is
7:51
taking longer than you think it should
7:53
or than you expected. And this is where
7:55
a lot of people become stuck. They start
7:58
saying things like, "We've already
7:59
talked about this." or "I've told you a
8:01
thousand times." or "I've already said
8:03
that I'm sorry." "What more can I do?"
8:05
And if you've noticed as I'm talking
8:07
with you, the defensive tone because of
8:10
your own exasperation of the content and
8:12
the cycle. Or "What more do you want
8:14
from me?" But recovery requires
8:16
something different. It requires you
8:19
learning how to stay present with that.
8:21
How long it takes is not up to you.
8:24
And not because your partner is trying
8:25
to punish you, but because your partner
8:27
is trying to feel safe again. And this
8:29
is a tricky territory to navigate.
8:32
Healing often accelerates when pain is
8:34
met with empathy instead of resistance
8:36
or defensiveness. Now, I have never seen
8:39
a couple come through this without doing
8:40
some serious trauma work because as I
8:43
talked about in a previous episode in
8:44
this series, finding out about
8:46
infidelity is
8:48
more often than not really traumatic.
8:51
And so the role of trauma work as an
8:52
EMDR therapist, I've seen first hand how
8:56
uh how often affairs are connected to
8:58
unresolved emotional wounds. Uh
9:01
usually for the person who betrayed as
9:03
well as for the person who was treated
9:06
in such a way where their trust was
9:07
compromised or the one that they were um
9:09
cheated on. And that doesn't excuse
9:12
infidelity, but it does help explain it.
9:15
And sometimes people are seeking
9:16
validation because they never learned
9:18
how to internally validate themselves
9:21
because they were raised by people that
9:22
never taught them their worth, never
9:25
helped them to them to develop that
9:27
internal voice that says, "No matter how
9:30
other people treat me, I am worthy of
9:32
love and belonging." And so sometimes
9:34
they seek to escape because they never
9:36
learned how to tolerate the discomfort
9:38
of non-connection, non-belonging, or not
9:41
feeling lovable.
9:42
And sometimes they pursue connection
9:44
because old attachment wounds continue
9:46
driving their current behaviors, which I
9:47
talked about in an earlier episode.
9:50
So, this is why true recovery requires
9:52
more than relationship work. It often
9:54
requires personal work for the person
9:56
who betrayed as well as the one who was
9:58
betrayed. That deeper work, the kind of
10:01
work that says, "Why do I avoid
10:04
vulnerability? Why do I struggle with
10:06
boundaries? Why can't I speak up for
10:08
what I need? Why do I look outside of my
10:11
relationship or self for external
10:13
validation? And what am I afraid of
10:15
facing in myself? What am I so
10:17
uncomfortable in tolerating?"
10:19
Because when those issues remain
10:21
untouched, the risk of repeating
10:23
unhealthy patterns remains much higher.
10:25
And even if it doesn't look like
10:26
infidelity, it'll look like some other
10:28
behavior that's disruptive to the
10:30
connection of the relationship. And so,
10:33
I've worked with so many people who have
10:35
had affairs or have been through the
10:37
affair cycle and have come out the other
10:39
side stronger than ever. And I have
10:42
another episode coming up about this.
10:43
So,
10:44
the process of going through the work it
10:46
is is really about becoming the person
10:48
that you want to be. And at some point,
10:51
recovery stops being about the affair
10:53
and it starts becoming about your own
10:55
identity. Who do you want to be moving
10:57
forward? What values do you want to live
11:00
by? What ideals do you want to guide
11:03
your choices? What kind of partner do
11:05
you want to become? And this stage of
11:07
healing isn't driven by fear, it's not
11:09
driven by trying to repair in an
11:11
ulterior motive, it's driven by growth.
11:14
Because ultimately, the goal isn't
11:16
simply preventing another affair. The
11:18
goal is becoming a person whose values,
11:21
boundaries, emotional health, and
11:23
integrity make betrayal far less likely
11:26
in the first place because it's out of
11:28
alignment with the person that you say
11:29
you want to be.
11:31
And that's a deeper transformation. And
11:33
that's where that lasting change occurs
11:35
and usually where the partner then
11:37
absolutely knows that the the you that
11:40
exists that is different.
11:42
So, if you're the one who cheated,
11:45
here's three questions to reflect on
11:47
this week.
11:48
Am I focused on my shame or my
11:50
accountability? Ask yourself. Am I
11:53
spending more time feeling bad about
11:55
what I did or actively repairing the
11:57
damage that I caused? Accountability
11:59
creates change. Shame often keeps us
12:02
stuck.
12:03
The next thing you're going to want to
12:04
ask yourself is what am I doing to
12:06
become safe? This is about actions, not
12:09
what you're saying. What are you doing?
12:11
Trust is rebuilt through behavior. So,
12:13
you're going to look for opportunities
12:15
to demonstrate consistency, honesty, and
12:18
transparency every day.
12:20
Um it might feel really silly to you at
12:22
first because maybe you didn't formally
12:24
share all the little moments in your
12:26
world because you didn't need to, but
12:28
when you're trying to rebuild trust,
12:30
transparency is absolutely the key to
12:32
making that go more uh smoothly.
12:35
And then the next question you're want
12:36
to you want to ask yourself is am I
12:38
doing the deeper work? So, am I just
12:39
abstaining from poor choices and
12:41
white-knuckling it? Or am I really
12:44
looking underneath the hood to figure
12:46
out what in the heck happened that made
12:48
me do this? What allowed me to justify
12:50
this behavior in the first place?
12:52
Because long-term healing requires
12:54
understanding the roots of the
12:56
adaptation to cheat, not just managing
12:59
your symptoms.
13:01
So, today we talked about what comes
13:02
next if you're the one who cheated. We
13:04
discussed the difference between shame
13:06
and accountability. And we talked about
13:08
the necessity of ending contact with the
13:11
affair partner.
13:12
We explored the importance of becoming
13:14
emotionally safe and trustworthy again.
13:16
And we examined why lasting recovery
13:18
requires deeper personal work, not just
13:21
repairing the relationship. And most
13:23
importantly, we acknowledge that the
13:25
relationship that existed before the
13:27
affair is gone. Something ended.
13:30
Something died. And while that reality
13:32
is painful, it also creates possibility
13:35
for hope and something new to emerge.
13:38
And it's not about denial or avoidance,
13:40
but through honesty and accountability
13:42
and growth, and that creates meaningful
13:45
change because the most powerful apology
13:48
is not words. It's transferred It's
13:50
transformation and becoming the you you
13:52
deserve to be.
13:54
So, if this show was helpful, I'd love
13:56
for you to subscribe, leave a review,
13:58
share it with someone who might be going
14:00
through something like this. And I'd
14:02
love to hear from you. So, what do you
14:04
think the biggest takeaway is or the
14:05
biggest challenge for someone trying to
14:07
rebuild trust after they've broken it?
14:10
Leave a comment, send me a message, or
14:11
connect with me on my other social media
14:13
channels and we'll continue the
14:14
conversation.
14:16
So, thank you so much for tuning in, and
14:17
until next time, don't forget to lead
14:19
with love. It'll never steer you wrong.
14:22
>> [music]
14:31
[music]
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