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Why does discovering an affair feel like trauma? EMDR therapist Kelly O'Horo explains Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder, the emotional rollercoaster, the hypervigilance and 'detective work,' and why the nervous system treats betrayal as a genuine threat plus how healing begins.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone. I'm Kelly O'Hora.
0:09
And this is Adaptable, Behavior
0:11
Explained. Welcome back to Adaptable,
0:13
the show where we explore emotional
0:15
challenges that shape our lives and
0:17
relationships and learn how to navigate
0:19
them with awareness, healing, and hope.
0:22
We're continuing our series on
0:23
infidelity and today's episode addresses
0:26
something that many people experience
0:28
but often struggle to put it into words.
0:30
Why does discovering an affair feel so
0:33
traumatic?
0:34
Many people who have experienced
0:36
betrayal say things like, "I can't stop
0:38
thinking about it. I don't feel like
0:40
myself anymore. I feel crazy. I can't
0:43
trust anything, not even my own
0:45
memories."
0:46
And so if you've ever experienced
0:48
betrayal, I want you to hear this from
0:49
the start. Your reactions make sense.
0:52
What you're experiencing isn't weakness,
0:54
it isn't overreacting, and it isn't
0:56
simply being emotional.
0:58
For many people, discovering an affair
1:00
creates a trauma response. And today's
1:02
episode is about understanding why.
1:04
Imagine waking up one day and realizing
1:07
that the reality you've been living in
1:08
isn't the reality you thought it was.
1:11
The person you trusted most, the
1:12
relationship you believed in, the future
1:15
that you were planning, suddenly
1:17
everything feels uncertain. And that's
1:19
why discovering an affair isn't just
1:21
finding out someone lied. It's
1:23
experiencing the collapse of emotional
1:26
safety. And when safety disappears, the
1:28
brain responds accordingly.
1:31
Understanding betrayal trauma is
1:32
important because so many people blame
1:35
themselves for their reactions. They
1:37
wonder, "Why can't I move on? It's over.
1:40
Why do I keep replaying everything? Why
1:42
do I project my fears onto my next
1:44
partner when they've done nothing to
1:46
earn that? Why am I still so angry? Why
1:49
can't I trust my partner even though
1:51
they're trying?" The answer is often
1:53
simple.
1:54
Because your nervous system experienced
1:56
a threat and healing requires more than
1:58
forgiveness or positive thinking or time
2:00
to get better. Healing requires
2:02
understanding what happened to you
2:04
physiologically, emotionally, and
2:06
psychologically.
2:08
So, let's talk about how betrayal
2:10
shatters your sense of reality.
2:12
One of the most traumatic aspects of
2:14
discovering an affair is that it creates
2:16
what therapists often call a reality
2:19
disruption.
2:20
Before discovery, you believed one
2:22
story. What you knew everything was
2:24
happening in your life was your truth.
2:26
And after discovery, you're confronted
2:28
with another, and it makes you doubt
2:30
everything that you thought you had.
2:32
Suddenly, you begin questioning
2:34
everything. And you may wonder, was any
2:36
of it real? Or was I crazy? Or was the
2:39
connection I thought we had, was that
2:41
even a reality? Were they lying all of
2:44
the time? Was everything they said not
2:46
true?
2:47
What else don't I know? Or can I trust
2:49
my own instincts? Many people spend
2:51
months or even years trying to reconcile
2:54
these competing realities, and the brain
2:56
naturally seeks coherence and safety.
2:59
When new information destroys the story
3:01
that we've relied upon, our minds work
3:03
overtime trying to make sense of it.
3:05
That's why obsessive thoughts can
3:07
appear.
3:08
Your brain isn't broken, it's searching
3:10
for certainty. It's trying to make
3:11
sense, and it's hardwired for story.
3:14
The person who was safe became the
3:16
source of danger, and human beings are
3:18
wired for attachment. We need
3:20
connection, and we do better in groups.
3:22
We naturally turn toward important
3:24
relationships for comfort, for support,
3:26
and for security.
3:28
And in healthy relationships, your
3:30
partner becomes one of your primary
3:31
sources of emotional safety. But after a
3:34
betrayal, something devastating happens.
3:36
The person you would normally seek
3:38
comfort from is the very person who
3:40
caused your pain. And this creates an
3:43
emotional paradox. You want closeness,
3:45
but closeness feels dangerous. You want
3:47
reassurance, but you're unsure whether
3:49
reassurance can be even trusted. And
3:52
that internal conflict often creates
3:54
intense anxiety and emotional confusion.
3:57
So, we're going to talk about why the
3:58
brain goes into survival mode.
4:01
After discovering an affair, many people
4:04
experience symptoms that resemble
4:05
post-traumatic stress and you can meet
4:07
criteria for PTSD as well depending on
4:10
what's going on and for how long and how
4:12
long it lasts. They may experience
4:15
intrusive thoughts, nightmares,
4:17
hyper-vigilance, paranoia, difficulty
4:20
sleeping, anxiety, emotional flooding,
4:24
trouble concentrating, anger, and panic
4:27
responses. And this can even translate
4:29
into physical symptoms such as nausea,
4:31
shaking, or exhaustion. And this occurs
4:34
because the brain perceives betrayal as
4:36
a significant relational threat.
4:38
Your nervous system begins operating
4:40
from a survival state. It's constantly
4:42
asking, is there more information? Do I
4:45
need more details? Am I safe now? Can it
4:47
happen again? What was my part in why it
4:50
happened? What did I miss? And this is
4:52
why many betrayed partners feel
4:54
compelled to repeatedly review evidence,
4:56
ask questions, and seek reassurance.
4:59
They're trying to restore a sense of
5:01
safety.
5:02
And I think that something that often
5:05
has to happen is we have to grieve the
5:07
loss of what was so that something new
5:09
can be reborn.
5:11
So, let me talk a little bit about that
5:13
because the losses that we had really
5:16
are often not discussed. When people
5:18
think about infidelity, they often focus
5:21
only on the betrayal itself. But many
5:23
people are grieving multiple losses
5:25
simultaneously. They're grieving the
5:27
relationship that they thought they had,
5:29
the future that they had imagined, the
5:32
trust that they once felt with their
5:33
partner, their sense of certainty, their
5:36
confidence in their judgment, their
5:38
emotional safety, and in many ways
5:40
discovery can feel like a death and not
5:43
necessarily the death of the
5:44
relationship but the death of the
5:46
relationship as it once existed, and
5:49
grief naturally follows that. And we
5:51
have to grieve, and something does have
5:54
to die because what used to exist no
5:56
longer does, and we have to rebuild
5:58
something entirely new.
6:00
So, let's talk about why triggers seem
6:02
to come out of nowhere.
6:03
Many people are surprised by how
6:05
seemingly small things become triggers.
6:08
A location, a text message notification,
6:11
a song,
6:12
a date on the calendar, a social media
6:15
post, a late arrival home. The brain
6:18
stores emotional memories different when
6:20
trauma is involved.
6:22
These reminders can activate the nervous
6:24
system even when no immediate danger
6:26
exists. This doesn't mean you're failing
6:29
to heal, it means your mind is still
6:31
learning that the threat has passed.
6:32
It's acting live as if the trauma or the
6:35
event is still happening.
6:37
Healing often involves gradually
6:39
teaching the nervous system that safety
6:41
can exist again.
6:42
And now we're going to talk a little bit
6:44
about why we can't just get over it, and
6:46
that it doesn't work. One of the most
6:49
harmful messages betrayed partners
6:51
receive is just move on, or it's been
6:53
months, or it's been years. Uh healing
6:56
doesn't work that way, I'm sorry to say.
6:58
You cannot rush trust, you cannot force
7:00
safety, and you cannot shame yourself
7:03
into recovery.
7:04
Trauma recovery happens when people are
7:06
given the space to process their
7:08
experience, making meaning of what
7:10
happened, and rebuilding safety at a
7:12
pace that their nervous system can
7:14
tolerate. And it often requires a
7:16
bottom-up therapy modality like somatic
7:19
experiencing, EMDR therapy, or sensory
7:22
motor. True healing is less about
7:24
forgetting and more about integrating
7:26
the experience into your story without
7:29
letting it control your life.
7:31
But healing is possible. So, if you're
7:33
listening and you've experienced
7:34
betrayal, I want you to hear this.
7:36
You're not broken, your reactions make
7:39
perfect sense,
7:41
the panic, the sadness, the anger, the
7:43
confusion, and the endless questions
7:46
that run through your mind on repeat.
7:48
These are often normal responses to an
7:51
abnormal experience, and the goal of
7:53
healing isn't to erase the pain, the
7:55
goal is to regain a sense of safety and
7:58
trust yourself again, and trust your
7:59
partner if they're willing to do the
8:01
work to earn that. And reconnection with
8:03
your own strength is the primary goal.
8:06
And while that journey can be incredibly
8:08
difficult, it is absolutely possible.
8:11
So, if you're navigating betrayal trauma
8:13
right now, here are three things to
8:15
remember.
8:16
Please stop judging your reactions.
8:19
Instead of asking, "What's wrong with
8:21
me?" try asking, "What am I responding
8:23
to?" Your emotions are giving you
8:25
important data points. It's just
8:27
information. Treat them with curiosity
8:30
rather than criticism. Focus on safety
8:32
before solutions. When people are in
8:34
pain, they often rush toward decisions.
8:37
Should I stay? Should I leave? Should I
8:39
tell everybody? Should I tell nobody?
8:41
Can I ever trust anyone again?
8:43
Before answering those questions, focus
8:46
on creating emotional and physical
8:48
safety. Your nervous system needs
8:50
stability before it can make any clear
8:52
decisions. Most importantly, don't do
8:54
this alone. You must seek support.
8:56
Betrayal often creates isolation because
8:58
there's shame and there's embarrassment
9:00
and there's fear of judgment of the
9:02
other person if you're going to stay
9:03
with them, and many people suffer in
9:06
silence because of those feelings.
9:07
Healing becomes easier when you have a
9:09
safe support system. Whether it's a
9:11
therapist, a trusted friend, or a
9:13
support group, or a community that
9:15
understands what you're experiencing,
9:17
please do reach out. So, today we
9:19
explored why discovering an affair can
9:21
be genuinely traumatic. It's not simply
9:24
the affair itself, it's the shattered
9:27
trust, it's the loss of safety, it's the
9:30
disruption of reality, it's the
9:32
attachment injury, and the profound
9:34
grief that follows.
9:36
Understanding these reactions can help
9:38
remove the shame that so many people
9:40
carry after betrayal because healing
9:42
begins when we stop asking, "What's
9:44
wrong with me?" and start recognizing
9:46
that our response makes sense in light
9:48
of what we've experienced. If this
9:50
episode resonated with you, I'd love for
9:52
you to subscribe and leave a review and
9:54
share this show with someone who might
9:56
need these resources or these words
9:58
today. And I'd love to hear from you.
10:00
What helps you feel safe again after a
10:02
difficult betrayal? Leave a comment.
10:04
Reach out on social media or send me a
10:06
message. Your story may help someone
10:07
else feel less alone.
10:09
And thank you so much for tuning in. I
10:11
know this is a hard conversation, but I
10:14
hope that it helped you. And until next
10:16
time, don't forget to lead with love.
10:18
It'll never steer you wrong.
10:20
>> [music]
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