0:00
this is ringing a bell for you for your
0:02
childhood. You might want to look at
0:03
this being one of the ways that you show
0:05
up. Now, let's talk about frustration
0:07
versus contempt because all
0:10
relationships will have moments of
0:11
frustration and we don't want to
0:12
mislabel things because they mean very
0:14
different things. Frustration expresses
0:17
anger or disappointment. It allows for
0:20
respect. It allows for the moments of
0:22
we're not on the same page, but we can
0:24
make our way through it. It leaves room
0:26
for repair. It wants change. It hopes
0:29
for change. and it believes in change.
0:31
An example is like with frustration is
0:33
being able to say, "I'm really
0:35
frustrated and I'm hurt right now and I
0:37
don't know what to do about it." Whereas
0:39
contempt expresses disgust, superiority,
0:42
arrogance. It attacks the worth of the
0:44
person. It totally shuts down repair and
0:48
it communicates hopelessness. An example
0:50
might be something like, "You're
0:51
pathetic. You're worthless." And
0:54
frustration wants change. Contempt is
0:56
given up. And that's really the
0:57
difference. if it's something you're
0:59
experiencing, that can kind of tell you
1:01
what category you fall in or what the
1:03
person who does this to you falls in.
1:05
Now, let's talk about how we can heal
1:07
because repair is always part of what
1:10
this show is designed to help people
1:11
with. This is the hardest horsemen to
1:14
repair, but it is possible. So, if
1:16
you're the one expressing contempt, you
1:18
need to pause and name the exhaustion,
1:22
the pain, the frustration, and the
1:24
chronic disappointment underneath to the
1:26
person that you have this with. And you
1:28
need to identify the unresolved grief or
1:30
resentments and be able to name that and
1:32
speak that with vulnerability. You want
1:35
to reconnect with the pain that happened
1:38
before the armor set in. Often times,
1:41
this one can't be really done alone. You
1:43
have to seek support because contempt
1:45
rarely heals in isolation. Some things
1:48
that you can say if you're someone who
1:50
holds this is starting with I've been
1:52
holding a lot of resentment. I've been
1:54
holding a lot of pain. I'm exhausted
1:57
from holding it all in and I don't know
1:58
how to soften anymore because I feel so
2:01
hopeless. I'm hurting way more than I've
2:04
admitted and my behavior is showing
2:05
that. And then if you're someone who
2:07
uses contempt and you don't know it
2:09
until this show, let's talk about other
2:12
ways that you can show up that are not
2:14
so damaging. One of the ways is that you
2:16
can set boundaries um that are firm
2:19
around disrespect. You don't want to
2:21
absorb or normalize demeaning behavior.
2:24
That's really toxic. You got to focus on
2:27
safety first. So, um make sure that your
2:30
ner nervous system is intact and that
2:32
you're able to express yourself in a way
2:34
that's not going to continue or
2:36
perpetuate the damage. And you want to
2:38
encourage repair only when respect is
2:40
restored. So, some helpful language
2:42
might be like, "I won't engage when I'm
2:45
being mocked. I won't engage when you're
2:47
yelling at me or shaming me. Um, we can
2:50
talk when you're able to show me the
2:52
respect that I deserve. I need emotional
2:54
safety to stay in this conversation."
2:56
And so that might look like you lowering
2:59
your voice or kind of checking your
3:01
condescension in your tone that I'm
3:03
picking up because it's shutting me
