0:00
So, when you're working on healing these
0:02
four horsemen, it's helpful to have some
0:04
shared language. Things like, "Hey,
0:06
we're in the cycle. We've fallen into
0:08
this pattern. Uh, this, hey, this is one
0:10
of the four horsemen. Let's hold back.
0:12
Let's pause. Let's take a beat. Let's
0:14
come back in a minute. I want
0:16
connection. I don't want winning. And
0:18
this strategy is not going to create
0:20
that connection. It's going to create
0:21
disconnection." Healing isn't about
0:23
avoiding the horsemen. It's about
0:26
meeting them with better skill, with a
0:28
little bit more patience, with a little
0:29
bit more timeliness, and certainly
0:31
practice and repair and circling back.
0:34
So, we can earn secure connection and
0:37
secure attachment. Let me tell you what
0:39
that looks like. I know this is
0:40
something that my husband and I have
0:42
hard fought for. Doesn't mean we don't
0:44
fight. Doesn't mean we don't fall into
0:45
some of these patterns. We certainly do.
0:48
But we know how to go back and take
0:49
accountability for them now. And as
0:51
couples heal these patterns, you'll
0:53
often less intensity during conflict.
0:56
You'll see faster repair. You'll see
0:59
more curiosity. You'll see even when
1:01
they take uh one of these horsemen and
1:03
they drop into one of them, they'll
1:05
pause themselves and fix it faster.
1:08
There tends to be more emotional safety
1:10
because we can count on that pattern
1:11
changing because we see change and it's
1:13
less hopeless. There's greater tolerance
1:16
for the differences and there's a sense
1:18
of being more on the same team and just
1:20
having a moment of disconnection related
1:22
to a specific content or topic rather
1:25
than the relationship itself. Secure
1:28
attachment and secure connection isn't
1:30
the absence of conflict. It's the
1:32
presence of trust that the repair will
1:34
happen again. And that's something that
1:36
takes practice to build because security
1:39
is built through the repeated
1:41
experiences of rupture and repair, of
1:44
conflict and resolution. And all good
1:46
relationships have a lot of practice of
1:49
those things because we all bring our
1:50
own histories to our relationships, our
1:52
pains, our wounds, our patterns, our
1:54
habits, and our and our trauma. And so
1:58
the four horsemen are not the end of the
2:00
story. They're the beginning of
2:01
understanding what your relationships
2:04
need. When we stop moralizing these
2:06
patterns and start understanding them,
2:08
we create more space for, you know, the
2:11
keys to successful relationships where
2:13
which are compassion and accountability
2:15
and ultimately change because that's how
2:18
we grow together. Healing those horsemen
2:20
together means choosing curiosity over
2:23
blame, choosing connection over
2:25
protection, and choosing repair over
2:28
avoidance. Remember that relationships
2:31
don't thrive because people never
2:33
struggle. They thrive because people and
2:36
partners learn how to come back to each
2:38
other and repair when that happens.
