0:00
And the avoidant person sees this as see
0:03
people always leave. So it's a
0:05
self-fulfilling prophecy. You're trying
0:07
to be in relationship with somebody um
0:10
who does share with you and you don't
0:11
share back. They get tired of being in a
0:14
one-way relationship and they don't end
0:16
up feeling like it's mutual or mutually
0:19
beneficial. And so without realizing
0:21
that um the leaving came from never
0:24
being let in all the way, not because
0:26
there was anything wrong with you
0:28
inherently um in the avoidant style. So
0:32
let's talk about if you're the one
0:33
that's being kept out of the
0:35
relationship. And if you're listening
0:36
and you're thinking that this happens to
0:39
me or it's happened to me, I want to
0:40
make sure you hear this part that
0:42
there's nothing wrong with you for
0:44
wanting depth. There's nothing wrong
0:46
with you for assuming closeness means
0:48
openness. And just because you are
0:50
someone who has felt safe and has built
0:52
trust doesn't mean you're someone who
0:54
overshares because there's nothing wrong
0:56
with you for wanting to be in mutually
0:58
beneficial vulnerable relationships.
1:01
Especially when there's been what you
1:03
thought to be trust built in small
1:05
moments over time. And it makes a lot of
1:08
sense that when someone doesn't share
1:10
back with you or let you in that you
1:11
feel hurt and you didn't imagine the
1:14
connection and you didn't ex, you know,
1:16
you didn't think that it was um real
1:18
when it wasn't. You just experienced it
1:20
differently than they did. And part of
1:22
the maturity in relationships is
1:24
learning that mutual investment matters
1:27
more than our perceived closeness. So we
1:30
end up asking ourselves like what kind
1:32
of emotional reciprocity do I need in
1:34
friendships? What does being in a true
1:37
friendship look like? Is it just that
1:39
I'm there for others? Or is it that they
1:41
will let me in and that they will be
1:43
there for me? Am I consistently the one
1:46
that's offering the depth while
1:48
receiving pretty surface level access to
1:50
people? Uh what boundaries protect my
1:52
own emotional energy without hardening
1:55
my heart? Right? I don't want to end up
1:56
as someone who's all iced out because
1:59
I'm afraid to share because I'm
2:01
reluctant to trust that it won't be
2:03
received. So you don't need to shame
2:05
yourself for being open. Openness is
2:07
actually a strength. And there's no, you
2:09
know, the thing about vulnerability is
2:11
it's the risk of uncertainty and
2:14
emotional exposure. Again, there's no
2:16
guarantee that when we're vulnerable,
2:17
people are going to uh return that
2:19
vulnerability in a way that's healthy.
2:21
So just know that that's pretty normal.
2:25
If you're the one that keeps things in,
2:26
you're the one in the more protected
2:29
stance in the relationship. And if
2:30
you're listening and realizing this, I
2:33
might be the one who doesn't share. This
2:35
isn't a call out. This is an invitation.
2:37
This is for you to get introspective
2:39
about how your adaptation could
2:42
negatively impacting your own desired
2:44
outcome strategically. And so it's an
2:47
invitation for you to explore like what
2:49
feelings are unsafe about being fully
2:52
known. Um what did you have to survive
2:55
by handling things that were hard when
2:57
you were young alone? And where did you
3:00
learn that needing others wasn't an
3:02
option because people simply were not
3:04
going to show up for you when you needed
3:05
that? You don't have to suddenly tell
3:08
everyone everything. That's not the
3:09
goal. And people don't automatically
3:11
deserve your trust and vulnerability
3:13
just because you know them or spend time
3:15
with them. The goal is noticing whether
3:17
your self-p protection is costing you
3:20
the connection that you really deeply
3:22
want. And naming the truth of that
3:24
pattern is the first step. And honestly,
3:27
oftentimes people don't even really know
3:29
that they're co-creating this pattern of
3:31
disconnection. And one of the most
3:33
healing things that we can do in these
3:35
relationships is name it, talk about it,
3:38
have compassion, have some self
3:40
understanding, some insight, and be able
3:42
to to express yourself. So sometimes
3:46
you're going to need to look at yourself
3:47
and think, I realize that I need more
3:50
emotional openness in my friendships.
