0:00
The research shows that the couples that
0:02
do the best, the master couples, offer a
0:04
lot of praise and pay attention to bids
0:07
of connection and practice repair often.
0:10
So, um, you want to separate behavior
0:12
from identity. Defensive oftenimes
0:16
softens when accountability feels safe.
0:18
So, when I know I can say I blew it
0:21
without kind of being piled on, uh, if I
0:24
did make a mistake or had an empathic
0:25
failure. Defensiveness doesn't mean
0:28
someone's unwilling to grow. It usually
0:30
means that they're afraid of being seen
0:32
as wrong or unlovable and they're
0:34
usually kind of blanketed in shame in
0:36
that moment. So when we understand
0:38
defensiveness through that attachment
0:40
and trauma and nervous system
0:41
perspective, we can understand it not as
0:44
a character flaw, but it's something
0:46
that we can then work with, have
0:48
compassion for self and others, which
0:51
ultimately brings us towards a better
0:53
opportunity to be seen and heard, which
0:54
is what we really all want, right?
0:57
Growth doesn't require perfection and
0:59
connection doesn't require never messing
1:01
up. It requires humility and safety with
1:04
the repair process and practice. For
1:07
God's sakes, we don't get it right all
1:09
the time. We've got to circle back and
1:11
try again. So, thanks for listening so
1:14
much to this episode. I hope you found
1:16
it helpful. And make sure you check out
1:19
the other episodes in this series on the
1:21
four horsemen. And until we meet again,
1:24
don't forget to lead with love. It'll
1:26
never steer you wrong.
