0:00
Again, shame is one of our most
0:01
inhibitory emotions. It shuts us down.
0:04
It breeds feelings of inadequacy. It
0:06
helps someone to create feelings like no
0:08
matter what they do, they can't get it
0:10
right. And as a result of that happening
0:13
over and over, it brings up a desire to
0:15
withdraw or protect. And the partner
0:18
that uses criticism feels something,
0:21
too. They feel unheard, dismissed,
0:24
unimportant, overburdened, like they're
0:27
doing more than their fair share in the
0:29
distribution of the relationship
0:31
requirements. And they are desperate for
0:34
change, and it's coming in the form of
0:36
that unmet need that looks like
0:38
criticism. So, let's talk about some
0:40
examples. Maybe one partner becomes
0:42
defensive or shuts down.
0:44
And then the other escalates criticism
0:48
Both feel misunderstood. Both feel
0:50
alone. Both are not getting their needs
0:54
But criticism doesn't motivate change.
0:56
It activates those protection measures.
0:59
And often times, more of those four
1:01
horsemen follow suit, and that makes
1:04
So, let's talk about attachment styles
1:06
and how these can come to fruition, so
1:09
you can learn more about why you might
1:11
do some of these things if you do, or
1:13
why the person in relationship that
1:15
you're in uh may do it as well. So,
1:18
criticism most often shows up in people
1:20
with anxious or preoccupied attachment.
1:23
Though it can appear across styles, most
1:25
commonly in anxious attachment. And from
1:27
that attachment lens,
1:29
criticism is frequently driven by a fear
1:31
of abandonment or disconnection, fear of
1:34
not mattering, being relevant, being
1:36
worthy, fear of being alone in a
1:40
fear that their needs won't be met
1:42
unless they get noisy or amplified, or
1:45
the things they've done in the past
1:48
Internally, criticism often sounds like,
1:50
"Why don't you see me? Why don't I
1:52
matter? No matter what I do, it's never
1:54
enough. Why am I always the one who
1:57
notices, who does the repair, who brings
1:59
things to our attention in our
2:00
relationship? And if I don't push,
2:02
nothing will change." So, that's kind of
2:04
the internal dialogue for someone who
2:07
tends to be critical. And criticism
2:10
becomes this protest behavior. It's an
2:12
attempt to pull a person or a partner
2:14
closer, but it obviously creates the
2:17
opposite effect cuz it pushes them away
2:19
or creates defenses, which wall them up.
2:22
Criticism is often that voice of the
2:24
attachment panic, which is why I think
2:26
it's really critical to understand our
2:28
attachment styles, and why those things
2:31
are the first course of understanding
2:33
behavior and how it shows up.
2:35
And as always, I'm going to discuss the
2:37
adaptive information processing, that's
2:39
the learning theory that EMDR is created
2:42
in. And from that AIP perspective,
2:45
criticism is often linked to some early
2:47
experiences. It always is, where needs
2:50
were inconsistently met. Caregivers were
2:53
emotionally unavailable. Love felt
2:55
conditional. One minute, I'm the best
2:57
person ever, and in another minute, I
2:59
make one mistake and I'm an idiot. I'm
3:01
ignored. I'm not spoken to for days in
3:05
Being quiet meant being overlooked.
3:08
Sometimes this is the easy child in a
3:10
group of three. This is the one that
3:12
doesn't make the noise or the chaos, and
3:14
so they get regularly ignored.
3:16
Escalation was required to be seen, so I
3:18
had to get really noisy and protest to
3:20
get anybody to pay attention or check
3:22
in. And these experiences create memory
3:25
networks. They create learning and
3:27
patterns, because remember what fires
3:28
together wires together. And so, the
3:31
belief that happens is I have to push to
3:33
matter. I have to be noisy to get my
3:35
needs met. If I'm quiet, nobody will
3:37
notice. If I soften, I'll continue to be
3:40
ignored. And ultimately, my needs aren't
3:42
important unless I make a stink. So,
3:45
when a current partner misses a bid for
3:47
connection, old memory networks
3:49
activate. And those responses become
3:51
sharper than the present moment alone
3:54
explains. And so, if this is something
3:56
that happens in a relationship, you need
3:58
to think about their history.
