0:00
If you are someone who is critical in
0:02
relationships or is with someone who's
0:04
very critical, then this episode is
0:06
going to be for you. I'm breaking down
0:08
one of the four horsemen of the
0:10
apocalypse as part of this series on
0:12
that episode I did 12 months ago on an
0:16
overview of the four horsemen, and now
0:18
we're breaking down each one of those
0:20
into individual episodes. And today,
0:23
you're in store for learning about
0:24
criticism. So, we're going to continue
0:26
our breakdown of those four horsemen.
0:28
And again, this is all part of John
0:30
Gottman's research, and
0:33
criticism is one of the most common of
0:36
the patterns in in couples'
0:39
relationships, and one of the most
0:41
misunderstood. It often comes from a
0:44
place of frustration, longing, or unmet
0:47
needs, but it lands as an attack, as
0:49
something wrong with the other person.
0:51
And I always tell people that when they
0:53
talk about kids, all bad behavior is the
0:55
the result of an unmet need, and this
0:57
one really fits into that same category.
1:00
Criticism sounds sharp, it feels
1:02
personal, and over time it quietly
1:05
erodes safety in relationships. Now, it
1:07
is not as harmful or destructive as
1:09
contempt, which I talked about in
1:11
another episode, but it is something
1:13
that builds up over time. We're going to
1:15
talk about what criticism is and what
1:17
it's not. And like I talked about in
1:20
some of the other episodes, often times
1:22
social media gets it wrong, and so
1:24
people are learning things incorrectly.
1:26
So, hopefully this sets the record
1:27
straight on what criticism is, because
1:29
we actually can have feedback for
1:31
somebody when something's not going
1:33
okay, and that doesn't have to be
1:34
criticism. But we're going to talk about
1:36
how it impacts relationships over time,
1:39
the attachment styles that are most
1:41
often associated with this behavior, and
1:44
what early experiences help to wire
1:46
someone toward critical communication.
1:49
Sometimes it was modeled, sometimes it
1:51
wasn't. So, we're going to talk about
1:53
how to tell the difference between
1:54
criticism and a complaint, and how to
1:57
repair when when that happens when
2:00
criticism is part of the relationship.
2:02
So, let's first start with what John
2:04
Gottman meant by the word criticism in
2:06
general. In the research by Gottman,
2:09
criticism is not the same as expressing
2:11
a concern or making a request. Criticism
2:14
attacks the person, not the behavior. It
2:18
sounds like some of those common things
2:20
you hear in relationship quarrels. You
2:22
always {dot} {dot} {dot}. You never It's
2:26
global. That's just who you are. Or, why
2:29
are you like this? It's judging like the
2:31
person in general. Criticism
2:33
communicates there's something wrong
2:35
with you. And over time, this invites
2:37
defensiveness, withdrawal, or
2:40
counterattacks, and it opens the door
2:42
for the other horsemen to follow suit.
2:46
So, some examples that you might hear or
2:48
even feel familiar for you. You never
2:51
help around here. You always sleep in,
2:53
and I'm stuck to deal with it all on my
2:55
own. You're so selfish. You're just
2:57
lazy. Instead of what's really
3:00
underneath that criticism or that unmet
3:02
need, which is I'm overwhelmed.
3:05
And I need support. I need you to check
3:08
in and help me not feel so alone. Or, I
3:10
felt hurt, and I need some reassurance
3:13
Criticism is often a protest for an
3:16
unmet need, but it really lands poorly,
3:18
and it feels like an attack instead.
3:21
And the core idea around criticism is
3:24
that it erodes relationships because
3:26
it's identity level attack, and it
3:29
doesn't feel safe to the nervous system.
