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The Four Horsemen aren’t the problem… the lack of repair is.
In this final episode of the Four Horsemen series, we zoom out and look at how criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt work together in relationship cycles and why these patterns are often nervous system survival responses, not signs that your relationship is doomed.
These reactions usually begin long before the current conflict.
Criticism says: “Please notice me.”
Defensiveness says: “Please don’t reject me.”
Stonewalling says: “I’m overwhelmed.”
Contempt says: “Please don’t hurt me again.”
The cycle makes sense when you understand what’s underneath it.
Healthy couples still fall into these patterns. The difference is how quickly they recognize the cycle, regulate, repair, and reconnect.
Because secure relationships aren’t built through perfection. They’re built through repeated experiences of rupture and repair, accountability, vulnerability, and choosing connection over protection.
FULL VIDEO HERE: https://youtu.be/UGmceNbGUbk
#RelationshipHealing #TheFourHorsemen #SecureAttachment #ConflictRepair
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0:00
the healing of the four horsemen of the
0:02
apocalypse collectively today. This is
0:05
the last of the series of all of the
0:07
episodes in the four horsemen of the
0:09
apocalypse. As you may know, we broke
0:11
down the four different concepts from
0:14
criticism, defensiveness, and
0:17
stonewalling and contempt. And these are
0:19
all from the research from John Gottman.
0:22
And I think these are all very important
0:24
concepts to understand in relationships
0:26
rupture. And then also, how do we
0:28
repair? And so we've slowed down to look
0:31
at each one of those through the lens of
0:33
attachment, trauma, and as a nervous
0:36
system response. And today we're going
0:37
to zoom back out and talk about how
0:40
healing actually happens when these
0:42
patterns show up together because they
0:44
almost always do. So the four horsemen
0:47
don't exist in isolation. They show up
0:49
in cycles. They reinforce one another
0:52
and they tell a story, not of failure,
0:54
but of a nervous system doing their best
0:56
to survive disconnection.
0:59
So, the four horsemen work together in
1:01
pretty predictable patterns. And we're
1:04
going to talk about why frequency
1:05
matters more than perfection because we
1:07
all are going to fall into some of these
1:09
patterns. How attachment and trauma keep
1:11
these cycles alive and what repair
1:13
really looks like, not just once, but
1:16
time and time again. And how couples or
1:19
people in relationships can move from
1:20
that protection and disconnection to
1:23
repair and connection. So, this
1:25
episode's about hope. It's about
1:27
grounded realism and really level
1:30
setting your expectations around uh
1:33
conflict is part of all relationships
1:35
and these habits and patterns are part
1:37
of our negative interaction cycles. So
1:41
one of the most important things to
1:43
understand about the four horsemen is
1:45
they are not character flaws. They are
1:47
patterns of protection.
1:50
Criticism is a protest for unmet needs.
1:52
Defensiveness is protection against
1:54
shame. Stonewalling is a response to
1:57
overwhelm and contempt is pain that's
2:00
hardened into armor. Each one of these
2:02
makes sense when you understand the
2:04
nervous system underneath it. The
2:05
Godmans are pretty clear that every
2:07
couple or partnership uses these
2:09
patterns sometimes. But what predicts
2:11
relationship breakdown isn't their
2:13
presence. It's their frequency,
2:15
rigidity, and lack of repair. The
2:18
horsemen don't mean your relationship is
2:20
broken. They mean your system or your
2:22
nervous system is under strain. And so
2:25
let's talk a little bit about th how
2:26
those horsemen work together in cycles.
2:29
The four horsemen tend to show up in
2:30
predictable sequences. A common cycle
2:34
looks like this. So we've got one
2:36
partner that feels disconnected and then
2:38
uses criticism to be hurt. The other
2:41
partner feels attacked and then responds
2:43
with defensiveness. The interaction
2:45
escalates until someone becomes
2:47
overwhelmed and then stonewalls. And
2:49
over time, unresolved pain hardens into
2:52
contempt. So you can see the pattern of
2:54
the interaction and that cycle repeats
2:57
especially if we don't know how to get
2:58
out of it and we don't know that it's
3:00
happening. We don't know why it's
3:02
happening. So one partner might say you
3:04
never listen and then the other says
3:06
that's not true. You're exaggerating.
3:08
You are so hyperbolic hyperbolic and
3:11
then the conversation shuts down and
3:13
then resentment grows and then the
3:15
sarcasm begins and the eye rolling
3:17
creeps in. Each partner feels totally
3:20
justified in their reaction. Each
3:22
nervous system feels threatened and each
3:25
response makes the next one more likely.
3:28
So the horsemen feed on each other, but
3:31
so does healing. And it's okay to be the
3:33
first one to take the leap towards
3:35
repair. So when we look at this from an
3:37
attachment and trauma perspective,
3:39
that's what keeps the four horsemen
3:41
alive. From the attachment perspective,
3:44
those horsemen are strategies to
3:46
preserve connection. When we're in
3:48
conflict or rupture, we're in
3:50
disconnection. And even when those
3:52
behaviors do the opposite, they're a
3:54
little self-sabotaging.
3:56
So with criticism, it says, "Please
3:58
notice me." Defensiveness says, "Please
4:00
don't reject me." Stonewalling says,
4:02
"Please stop. I can't handle this." And
4:04
contempt says, "Please don't hurt me
4:06
again." From that AIP or EMDR lens,
4:10
these patterns are driven by early
4:11
memory or networks. These were survival
4:13
strategies that were needed as a child
4:16
when behaviors that happened in the home
4:19
created predictable patterns and then
4:22
protection was needed. We have the the
4:25
home where our needs were not met. Our
4:28
emotions weren't safe, conflict felt
4:31
dangerous, repair just didn't happen.
4:34
And so the current conflict activates
4:36
those old information memory networks
4:39
and then the body reacts rather than
4:41
responds. And it's one million times
4:43
faster than the brain can even intervene
4:46
because it doesn't have prefrontal
4:47
cortex involvement. Those horsemen are
4:50
often old survival strategies. They're
4:52
trying to solve a present- day problem
4:54
with old skills. We're not using the
4:56
right tools because we didn't
4:58
necessarily have them and we certainly
5:00
don't have experience in practicing
5:02
them. And so now we need to talk about
5:05
why frequency and repair matter more
5:07
than the elimination of these things.
5:09
Please don't beat yourself up if you've
5:11
made improvements and you still fall
5:13
into some of these patterns because that
5:15
self-shame and that self-interjective
5:17
shame does not help the situation. So,
5:20
one of the biggest myths about healthy
5:22
relationships is that good couples don't
5:24
do these things and that is not a
5:26
reality. They do. All happy couples and
5:29
really seemingly healthy couples have
5:31
these patterns too. The difference is
5:34
how often these horsemen show up and how
5:36
quickly they're recognized, how quickly
5:38
and consistently repair happens. And
5:40
Gottman's research emphasizes that
5:42
repair attempts, not perfection, are
5:44
what protect relationships. So again,
5:47
it's can you circle back and say
5:49
something about what just happened. So
5:51
repair can look like a pause, a
5:53
softening, an apology, accountability,
5:56
sometimes humor. We can throw in humor
5:59
when those things happen because we
6:00
realize there's embarrassment with the
6:02
behavior. We can say, "Can we return to
6:05
this conversation later?" And then a bid
6:07
for reconnection. So, it's not the fight
6:10
that predicts the future. What it's what
6:12
happens after that really is important.
6:15
So, when we're working on healing these
6:17
horsemen, we're kind of working on
6:19
healing them all together. Healing
6:22
happens in relationships when we shift
6:24
from content to processing. We're
6:27
shifting from who's right or who's to
6:30
blame and to what's happening between
6:33
us. What unmet needs are happening and
6:35
what I don't know how to express in a
6:37
more effective way. Across all horsemen,
6:40
healing does require a few things. We
6:43
have to have awareness. We have to name
6:45
the pattern. And we have to do this
6:46
without blame, which is tricky when
6:48
we're hurting. It requires regulation in
6:50
our nervous system, helping that nervous
6:52
system to settle down, get back in your
6:55
prefrontal cortex before trying to solve
6:57
the problem. And if you need more skills
6:59
on that, I have an episode on coping
7:01
skills earlier in I think it was season
7:03
two. So check that out if you're like, I
7:06
need some of those at the ready. It
7:07
requires vulnerability, which is
7:09
replacing that protection or that armor
7:12
with some honest, vulnerable emotional
7:14
expression. And Bnee Brown talks about
7:17
vulnerability is that emotional exposure
7:19
or risk without any guarantee.