0:00
You're not responsible for rescuing
0:01
people from their problems. Now, this
0:03
one probably hits hard, especially if
0:06
you're a parent or a partner or a friend
0:08
or frankly if you have a pulse because
0:11
if you care about somebody else, it's
0:13
really hard to accept that this is true,
0:17
that you're not responsible for rescuing
0:20
people from their problems. Because who
0:22
hasn't been there? Who hasn't tried to
0:23
clear all the obstacles out of the way
0:25
to help somebody that you love? You can
0:29
You can offer advice. You can pay for
0:32
things. You can throw down a dozen
0:34
lifelines, but at the end of the day,
0:36
people only change when they are ready
0:39
to do the work to change for themselves.
0:43
And if you're not careful, your love and
0:45
your concern and your worry
0:48
>> will turn into enabling people who are
0:50
struggling. Let's say you loan your
0:52
sibling money for the third time, even
0:55
though they haven't paid you back the
0:56
last two times. Or you keep paying for
0:58
the car, the phone, and the rent for
0:59
your adult kid who isn't working and
1:01
doesn't really seem to be looking for
1:03
work or all that motivated to look for
1:04
work, but still has the time and the
1:06
money to go out and party with their
1:07
friends. And every time you ask, "Hey,
1:09
how's the job search going?" There's
1:10
nothing but excuses and a request for
1:13
some more money. Or your partner has let
1:17
So, you just sign them up for the gym
1:19
membership even though they don't want
1:20
it, and then they don't use it, but then
1:21
you start resenting them because they're
1:23
not doing anything and they're not
1:24
accepting the help, and you're still
1:26
trying to solve this. And here's what
1:28
I've discovered about myself
1:30
is that oftentimes I've made it my
1:33
problem to solve other people's problems
1:36
because I don't like how uncomfortable I
1:39
feel when I'm worrying [music] about
1:40
somebody. And so, I can just make this
1:43
go away. I can make myself feel better.
1:45
I can make myself feel like not as
1:47
worried if I pay for something or if I
1:50
avoid the conversation.
1:52
>> That's easier than taking a step back
1:55
and reminding myself at some point this
1:57
person is going to have to find the
1:59
strength within themselves
2:01
to step up and face [music] the issues
2:03
in their life. The fact is, helping
2:08
The person giving the help, that's you,
2:10
and the person [music]
2:11
accepting the help. If you're giving
2:14
someone help and they're not accepting
2:16
it, it flips from helping to enabling
2:18
because you're the one doing all the
2:20
work. You need to say to yourself, let
2:23
them struggle. It sounds harsh,
2:26
but it's actually one of the most loving
2:27
things that you can do.
2:29
Because you're also saying, "I believe
2:31
in your ability to do the work to
2:33
change. And the second that you are
2:35
ready to accept the help, I will be
2:37
right there to give it to you. But in
2:39
the meantime, I'm not responsible for
2:42
solving your problems and I'm going to
2:44
let you learn from life."
