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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, we explore Defensiveness: When Protection Blocks Connection, one of the “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and how it shows up in our relationships. Defensiveness isn’t just about attitude, it’s often a protective response rooted in fear of blame, rejection, or disconnection. We break down why it happens, how it impacts communication, and what you can do to move from reacting to responding with awareness, so you can build deeper, more secure connections.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks for tuning in today.
0:14
Are you someone who's defensive and
0:16
can't take feedback or do you know
0:18
someone who is? If so, this show is for
0:21
you because today we're going to
0:23
continue our breakdown of the four
0:24
horsemen of the apocalypse. And this was
0:26
all based on John Gottman's research.
0:29
And this one's about defensiveness. Now,
0:31
if you haven't seen the other episodes,
0:33
please take a look at those. About 12
0:35
months ago, I did a an overview. And
0:37
then we're dropping each one of the
0:39
concepts of the four horsemen separately
0:41
so you can better understand why they
0:43
arrive and how to help heal them. So,
0:46
defensiveness is one of those patterns
0:48
that feels almost automatic. It's
0:50
certainly limbic. It shows up fast
0:53
without intention, usually in moments
0:55
where someone already feels blamed,
0:58
misunderstood, or exposed. And it sounds
1:00
like justification. It feels like self-p
1:03
protection. And over time, it quietly
1:05
blocks connection. So today, we're going
1:07
to talk about what defensiveness
1:09
actually is according to the Gottman
1:11
research, how it shows up in
1:13
relationships, how it impacts connection
1:15
over time, and the attachment styles
1:18
that are most often associated with
1:19
defensiveness. And then what early
1:22
experiences wire someone towards
1:24
defensive responses? How to tell the
1:26
difference between self- advocacy and
1:28
defensiveness. And then of course when
1:30
it shows up, how do we fix it? How do we
1:32
heal? How do we repair? So we're going
1:35
to start start with getting that base
1:37
understanding according to Gottman's
1:39
research about defensiveness. And so
1:42
this is important to you know get that
1:44
baseline. So defensiveness in general is
1:47
a response to a perceived criticism.
1:49
That word perceived is important because
1:51
it's not necessarily the intention of
1:53
the person who was talking. But if it's
1:56
perceived as criticism, then we're going
1:58
to get defensive. It's an attempt to
2:00
protect oursel by denying
2:02
responsibility, making excuses,
2:05
minimizing impact, or shifting the
2:08
blame. Defensiveness often sounds like,
2:10
"That's not what happened. You're
2:12
overreacting. I didn't mean it. You
2:15
misunderstood. I wouldn't have done that
2:17
if you hadn't." dot dot dot. I guess I'm
2:20
just the worst. That's that martyr
2:22
response. And so, um, defensiveness
2:25
communicates I'm not the problem. And
2:28
it's important to understand that
2:29
defensiveness isn't a personality flaw.
2:32
It's a protective response to feeling
2:34
under threat. Again, perception of
2:36
threat. Defensiveness isn't about
2:38
avoiding responsibility. It's about
2:40
avoiding shame. And most people don't
2:42
understand that. One thing I really want
2:44
to normalize here is defensiveness is
2:46
extremely common. I would say this and
2:49
criticism are probably the most common
2:51
according to Gottman's research and it's
2:54
often in response to conflict,
2:57
especially when a partner or person in
2:59
relationship is feeling criticized or
3:01
blamed. Most couples show defensiveness
3:03
at least sometimes and occasionally
3:05
defensiveness by itself doesn't predict
3:08
relationship failure. This is a pretty
3:10
common one. What matters is frequency,
3:12
rigidity, the ability to unpack it, the
3:15
ability to say, "Sorry, I know that I'm
3:17
quick." Defensiveness becomes damaging
3:19
when it shows up in most conflict
3:22
conversations. It blocks accountability.
3:25
It prevents repair and it becomes a
3:27
default response instead of curiosity.
3:30
And this is hard because it is a
3:32
hardwired protective mechanism. In other
3:35
words, if we slip into defensiveness
3:37
from time to time, it's normal. It's
3:39
human. But living there is what creates
3:41
the distance. And so check in with
3:43
yourself. Are you someone that's
3:44
regularly defensive? Do you seem to have
3:47
that predisposition when someone has
3:49
feedback for you? Defensive isn't a red
3:51
flag because it happens. It's a red flag
3:54
when it never softens. And so just think
3:56
about it. You or someone you have a
3:58
relationship with has this pattern.
4:01
Defensiveness erodess relationships
4:03
because it stops the person in
4:05
relationship from feeling hurt. Over
4:07
time, defensiveness prevents emotional
4:09
repair. It can escalate conflict because
4:12
the person doesn't feel heard. It
4:14
reinforces criticism and it will create
4:17
emotional distance. And it can make a a
4:20
vulnerability feel unsafe. So the
4:22
partner on the receiving end often feels
4:24
dismissed, invalidated, unheard,
4:27
unimportant. And really what's deepest
4:30
is they feel alone in their experience.
4:32
like they have to argue hard to be
4:35
understood or to be seen. And then the
4:38
defensive partner often feels attacked,
4:41
blamed, ashamed, afraid of being seen or
4:45
called out as the bad one or the
4:47
problem. And so these are happening in
4:49
in the at the same time. Defensiveness
4:52
keeps conversations focused on being
4:54
right instead of being connected. And if
4:57
you're someone who needs to be right all
4:59
the time or struggles with being wrong,
5:01
then this is likely part of what happens
5:03
for you. Now, we're going to talk about
5:05
the attachment style that's behind
5:07
defensiveness because it commonly
5:09
appears in people who are fearful,
5:11
avoidant, or anxious attachment. Though
5:13
it can show up across styles, it's most
5:15
common in the anxious lens. So from that
5:18
attachment lens, defensiveness comes out
5:20
of fear of rejection, fear of
5:22
disappointing others, fear of being seen
5:25
as flawed, fear of losing connection if
5:28
mistakes are acknowledged. So these are
5:30
the perfectionists. Internally,
5:32
defensiveness sounds like I'm going to
5:34
be blamed. I can't get this wrong, and
5:36
if I admit fault, I'll lose the
5:38
connection, which is ironic because it
5:40
usually drives the disconnection.
5:42
Defensiveness is often the nervous
5:44
system bracing for that rejection. So,
5:47
we know that these behaviors are learned
5:49
and through that AIP EMDR lens, we
5:53
learned how to respond with
5:55
defensiveness because it's often linked
5:57
to earlier experiences where mistakes
6:00
were punished or criticism was really
6:02
harsh or chronic. Maybe love felt
6:05
conditional or infrequent and then if
6:07
you were there was accountability it led
6:09
to shame and vulnerability was just
6:11
unsafe. And so those experience wire our
6:14
memory networks to say protect yourself
6:16
defend don't take responsibility don't
6:19
admit fault because being wrong
6:22
essentially taught me that it was
6:24
dangerous. So when a current partner
6:26
brings up a concern the past gets
6:28
activated. Remember with trauma the past
6:30
is present. Trauma is a time orientation
6:33
issue. What gets activated is what was
6:35
going on in the past. And then that body
6:37
responds before the adult brain has a
6:40
chance to engage. Defensiveness is often
6:43
an old survival strategy that shows up
6:45
in a new relationship or in a current
6:47
relationship that's of adult self. Now,
6:50
we want to talk about defensiveness
6:52
versus self- advocacy because they are
6:54
different. Self- advocacy sounds like
6:57
calm clarification, a willingness to
7:00
listen,
7:01
ownership of impact when a behavior is
7:04
brought up to them, and emotional
7:05
presence. It can sound like, you know, I
7:07
hear that you were hurt. Can I share my
7:09
perspective, too? Defensiveness sounds
7:12
like immediate justification, denial of
7:15
impact, blameshifting, escalating, or
7:19
shutting down. And it can sound like,
7:21
well, if you hadn't done that in the
7:22
first place, I wouldn't have done this.
7:24
And so it's the justification of that
7:26
reaction of defensiveness that tends to
7:29
be at the forefront of that behavior.
7:31
Self- advocacy invites understanding.
7:33
Defensiveness shuts it down. So how do
7:37
we repair when defensiveness is part of
7:39
the strategy of really disconnection?
7:42
Because repair begins when protection
7:44
softens into accountability. So if
7:46
you're the one who becomes defensive,
7:48
you want to pause before responding.
7:51
Notice the shame that's underneath the
7:53
reaction. Acknowledge the impact before
7:56
explaining your intent. A lot of times
7:59
people miss that part. They go right
8:01
into the but if I if you had just know
8:03
that I didn't mean for it to be that way
8:05
as opposed to that really wounded me and
8:07
I I need to take first accountability
8:09
for that even if even if it wasn't
8:11
intended. An example I use with clients
8:14
on this one is like if you're standing
8:15
in line at a store and you accidentally
8:18
step on someone else's foot who is
8:19
standing really close to you. You don't
8:21
turn around and immediately say, you
8:23
know, if you weren't standing so close,
8:25
I wouldn't have stepped on your foot.
8:26
You immediately go, I'm so sorry.
8:28
Because we don't mean to hurt someone.
8:30
And we need to be able to adopt that
8:32
first when we're trying to repair with
8:34
defensiveness. And so allowing that
8:36
imperfection without self-attack is
8:39
important. So it's I didn't mean to hurt
8:41
you, but I see that I did. and I'm
8:42
sorry. I'm feeling defensive. Can I slow
8:45
this down and just take a moment? I want
8:47
to understand before I explain. And so,
8:49
if you're with someone who is defensive,
8:52
you want to avoid stacking complaints
8:54
because, of course, they're being piled
8:55
on. They're going to likely start to
8:58
feel defensive and protective. You want
9:00
to speak from impact, not accusation.
9:03
You want to validate intent while naming
9:05
the effect that it has on you. And you
9:08
want to pause if the conversation
9:09
escalates. You might say, "Hey, this is
9:11
getting a little bit out of hand. You
9:14
know, I'm not saying that you're a bad
9:15
person. Um, I just need to take a moment
9:18
here. I want connection, not blame. Can
9:21
we slow this down together and work on
9:23
this so that we're both feeling
9:24
understood and seen?" And in a couple,
9:27
you want to normalize mistakes. We're
9:29
going to get it wrong. We're going to do
9:31
something that upsets or is an empathic
9:34
failure with our with our partners. And
9:36
it's going to happen plenty of times in
9:38
a relationship. We can't be that close
9:40
to someone and not have those moments of
9:43
being not mindful and being too quick.
9:46
And you want to build safety around
9:48
accountability. Like, I know I blew it.
9:50
I'm really sorry. I'm going to keep
9:51
working on that. And you want to
9:52
practice repair often. The research
9:55
shows that the couples that do the best,
9:57
the master couples, offer a lot of
9:59
praise and pay attention to bids of
10:02
connection and practice repair often.
10:04
So, um, you want to separate behavior
10:07
from identity. Defensive oftentimes
10:10
softens when accountability feels safe.
10:12
So, when I know I can say I blew it
10:15
without kind of being piled on, uh, if I
10:18
did make a mistake or had an empathic
10:20
failure, defensiveness doesn't mean
10:22
someone's unwilling to grow. It usually
10:24
means that they're afraid of being seen
10:26
as wrong or unlovable, and they're
10:28
usually kind of blanketed in shame in
10:30
that moment. So when we understand
10:32
offensiveness through that attachment
10:34
and trauma and nervous system
10:36
perspective, we can understand it not as
10:39
a character flaw, but it's something
10:40
that we can then work with, have
10:43
compassion for self and others, which
10:45
ultimately brings us towards a better
10:47
opportunity to be seen and heard, which
10:49
is what we really all want, right?
10:51
Growth doesn't require perfection, and
10:53
connection doesn't require never messing
10:56
up. It requires humility and safety with
10:59
the repair process and practice. For
11:01
God's sakes, we don't get it right all
11:03
the time. We've got to circle back and
11:05
try again. So, thanks for listening so
11:08
much to this episode. I hope you found
11:10
it helpful. And make sure you check out
11:13
the other episodes in this series on the
11:15
four horsemen. And until we meet again,
11:18
don't forget to lead with love. It'll
11:20
never steer you wrong.
11:25
Hey, hey,