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So, now we're going to talk a little bit
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about boundaries. And I speak about
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boundaries in many of my episodes
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because they're really the key to
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connection. And boundaries held
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appropriately really are a model of
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love. Responsive parenting isn't
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permissive. Letting them do whatever
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they want because they want it and that
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makes them more comfortable. And
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ultimately, we're tired, right? As
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parents or caregivers, we're tired. And
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so sometimes the path of least
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resistance is just letting them get away
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with whatever it is they're doing
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because we're worn out. But we we have
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to be reminded that boundaries create
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safety and kids need to know that we're
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the sturdy leader of boundaries. So step
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one is always to validate a feeling, but
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then we need to hold the limit. And if
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they don't hear you, it's okay to just
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kind of do a broken record technique and
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repeat that limit. It's not okay to hit.
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we're not going to hit. We're going to
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keep our hands to ourselves. And we do
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it in a calm voice because then we help
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to co-regulate the child. So, let me
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give you another simple example. This
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this kind of thing happens all the time.
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Your kid wants another cookie. They want
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another cupcake. They want more dessert.
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And so, you're going to say, "I know you
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want more cookies. Cookies are really
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yummy. I always want more dessert, too.
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But we're all done for today." So, we
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empathize first. Plus we set the limit
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which then creates security. So it's
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empathy plus a limit equals security in
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the child that helps you to be the
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sturdy leader. It helps you manage the
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moment and be in charge and they can
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feel even though disappointed they can't
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have the other cookie
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calm in the fact that they know that
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there are limits and boundaries. And
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really kids will always work the edges
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until they find them. And so if your
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child is really acting out regularly,
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what you can assume is that your limits
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have been wiggly, your boundaries have
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been wiggly, you know, your bedtimes
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haven't been consistent, your time to
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eat hasn't been consistent, the bath
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routine has not been consistent. And
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those moments of lacking in structure
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say to a child, "My limits are wiggly
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and I don't know what to expect." And so
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then we end up having unmet needs in a
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child and they can't predict what's
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going to happen and so they start to act
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out. So again, boundaries are really a
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way to set loving limits for our
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children and they they need them. They
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thrive with them and it's super
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important for us to model that. So
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here's some tools as a parent or a
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caregiver that I can hopefully help you
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employ. The first thing is a pause.
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Pausing before reacting. And this is
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hard for all of us. I you know I talked
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about the example with my grandson last
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night. I could give you a thousand more
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with my grandkids regularly that I am
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guilty of myself not pausing before the
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reaction. But truly your calm is the
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medicine. Your calm is what helps a
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child to co-regulate with you. They
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match pitch with you. So if we come in
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calm, we are co-regulating. Sit close,
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bend down, get on their level, breathe
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slowly. Sometimes they'll even match
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that. Offer your physical presence as
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part of how to get them calmed down. Did
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you know that children can't even
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regulate their nervous systems at all
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without the help of an adult until
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they're six months old? Research shows
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that. And so we can't ask child children
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to regulate their own nervous systems on
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their own. We have to co-regulate them.
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And we practice so that they can then
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learn eventually that they don't need
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you for co-regulation.
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So with co-regulation, again, we're
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modeling what it is we're hoping to gain
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in the moment. We're going to mess up.
