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An example I use with clients on this
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one is like, if you're standing in line
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at a store and you accidentally step on
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someone else's foot who is standing
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you don't turn around and immediately
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say, you know, if you weren't standing
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so close, I wouldn't have stepped on
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your foot. You immediately go, I'm so
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sorry, because we don't mean to hurt
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someone. And we need to be able to adopt
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that first when we're trying to repair
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with defensiveness. And so, allowing
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that imperfection without self-attack is
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important. So, it's I didn't mean to
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hurt you, but I see that I did and I'm
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sorry. I'm feeling defensive. Can I slow
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this down and just take a moment? I want
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to understand before I explain. And so,
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if you're with someone who is defensive,
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you want to avoid stacking complaints,
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because of course they're being piled
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on, they're going to likely start to
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feel defensive and protective. You want
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to speak from impact, not accusation.
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You want to validate intent while naming
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the effect that it has on you. And you
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want to pause if the conversation
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escalates. You might say, hey, this is
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getting a a little bit out of hand. You
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know, I'm not saying that you're a bad
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person. Um I just need to take a moment
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here. I want connection, not blame. Can
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we slow this down together and work on
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this so that we're both feeling
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And in a coupleship, you want to
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normalize mistakes. We're going to get
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it wrong. We're going to do something
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that upsets or is an empathic failure
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with our with our partners. And it's
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going to happen plenty of times in a
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relationship. We can't be that close to
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someone and not have those moments of
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being not mindful and being too quick.
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And you want to build safety around
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accountability. Like, I know I blew it.
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I'm really sorry. I'm going to keep
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working on that. And you want to
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practice repair often. The research
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shows that the couples that do the best,
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the master couples, offer a lot of
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praise and pay attention to bids of
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connection and practice repair often.
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So, um you want to separate behavior
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Defensive often times softens when
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accountability feels safe.
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When I know I can say I blew it without
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kind of being piled on uh if I did make
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a mistake or had an empathic failure.
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Defensiveness doesn't mean someone's
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unwilling to grow. It usually means that
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they're afraid of being seen as wrong or
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unlovable, and they're usually kind of
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blanketed in shame in that moment. So,
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when we understand defensiveness through
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that attachment and trauma and nervous
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system perspective, we can understand it
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not as a character flaw, but it's
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something that we can then work with,
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have compassion for self and others,
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which ultimately brings us towards a
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better opportunity to be seen and heard,
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which is what we really all want, right?
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Growth doesn't require perfection, and
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connection doesn't require never messing
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up. It requires humility and safety with
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the repair process. And practice. For
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God's sakes, we don't get it right all
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the time. We've got to circle back and
