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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode dives into Contempt — When Disrespect Replaces Safety, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Contempt shows up as eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, or talking down to your partner, it’s not just frustration, it’s a shift into superiority where respect erodes and emotional safety disappears. We break down what contempt looks like in real time, why it’s so damaging to connection, and what’s happening underneath the surface when it shows up, along with what it takes to interrupt the pattern and move back toward respect, repair, and safety because healthy relationships aren’t built on being right, they’re built on staying connected, even in hard moments.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks so much for tuning in
0:13
today to Adaptable Behavior Explained. I
0:16
think you're going to love this episode
0:18
because if you're someone who deals with
0:19
contempt, either something that you have
0:21
for others or something that you've
0:23
experienced from others toward you, then
0:25
this episode is for you. We are
0:27
continuing this topic of the four
0:29
horsemen of the apocalypse in this
0:31
episode. We're talking about contempt
0:33
today and this is all based on John
0:35
Gottman's research and contempt is one
0:38
of those four horsemen. If you didn't
0:40
see the episode on the overview of the
0:43
four horsemen that I dropped about 12
0:45
months ago and so this is a breakdown
0:47
and a continuation of those topics. So
0:50
let's talk about what contempt is
0:52
because this is the most dangerous of
0:54
the four horsemen. It sounds sharper. It
0:57
feels colder. It cuts deeper than the
0:59
other emotions. Where criticism attacks
1:02
behavior or character, contempt attacks
1:04
worth. It communicates superiority,
1:07
disgust, and disrespect. And over time,
1:10
it drastically erodess the foundation of
1:12
a relationship. So today, we're going to
1:15
talk about what contempt is according to
1:17
Gottman, how often it shows up and why
1:19
it's so damaging, and really how it
1:22
impacts relationships and emotional
1:24
safety. The attachment styles that are
1:26
most often associated with contempt are
1:29
pretty important to understand. If you
1:31
haven't seen the episodes on attachment
1:32
and attachment style, I highly recommend
1:34
checking that out. We really should know
1:36
our attachment styles in those of whom
1:38
we love. So, we also are going to talk
1:41
about what early experiences wire
1:43
someone toward contempt and how to tell
1:46
the difference between frustration and
1:48
contempt. How to repair and healing are
1:52
possible even here with contempt. So
1:54
let's start with what contempt actually
1:56
looks like because some people think
1:58
they know what this one is and really
2:00
they don't. So according to Gottman, the
2:03
research on contempt is communicated
2:06
through disrespect,
2:08
mockery, sarcasm, name calling, eye
2:12
rolling, sneering, or dismissive body
2:16
language. It says, "I'm better than you.
2:19
I think I know more than you. And
2:21
whatever you think and feel is not of
2:23
interest to me. It often sounds like
2:25
sarcasm, maybe a mocking tone, the
2:28
passive aggressive comments under your
2:30
breath, belittling comments, name
2:33
calling, eye rolling, scoffing. These
2:36
are all things that say someone has
2:38
contempt. Unlike criticism, which says
2:41
you did something wrong, contempt says
2:44
you're beneath me. It's shaming by
2:47
nature. It says, "I don't I don't
2:49
appreciate who you are as a person." Let
2:51
me give you some examples of what this
2:54
might look like. And it can be pretty
2:56
tough. Um, "Wow, you really are
2:59
clueless. I can't believe I married
3:01
someone like you." Eye rolling when a
3:03
partner or a person in a relationship
3:05
speaks. Uh, dismissive laughter or sne.
3:10
Contempt attacks dignity, not behavior,
3:13
where criticism attacks behavior. And so
3:16
it's really painful to experience
3:18
contempt. It's really shame producing if
3:20
you're someone who's showing contempt
3:22
and you realize that about yourself.
3:24
It's very painful because you know the
3:25
damage that it causes. The Gotmans are
3:28
very clear about this. Contempt is the
3:31
single greatest predictor of
3:32
relationship breakdown. Full stop. While
3:35
all couples and people in relationships
3:37
will occasionally slip into the other
3:39
horsemen, contempt is far less common in
3:42
healthy relationships. And it's far more
3:44
dangerous when it appears. The
3:46
occasional irritation or frustration is
3:49
normal. Face it. No matter who you are
3:51
in relationship, there are times when
3:53
you look over at the person and you
3:55
think, "I don't even know how we're in
3:56
this situation because I don't even
3:58
really enjoy this person." Frustration,
4:00
irritation with some of their behaviors.
4:02
Contempt is more deeply rooted. Contempt
4:05
usually emerges after some longstanding
4:08
unresolved conflict. So in relationships
4:11
where people haven't circled back to
4:13
repair, they haven't addressed the pain
4:15
points and the issues and it's and it's
4:17
accumulation accumulation of resentment
4:20
of dissatisfaction of disappointment.
4:22
Chronic criticism and defensiveness can
4:25
erode into contempt. And repeated
4:28
emotional injury after emotional injury
4:31
without resolution, without
4:33
accountability, without honest authentic
4:36
apology will then bring contempt. Once
4:40
contempt becomes frequent or habitual,
4:42
Gottman's research shows it predicts
4:44
separation, divorce, and the raveling or
4:47
the unraveling of a relationship. So the
4:50
other horsemen damage relationships and
4:53
contempt completely erodess
4:55
relationships. So if this is something
4:57
that you know you do or something that
4:59
you have toward your partner or someone
5:01
you're in close relationship with, you
5:03
really need to address it if you want to
5:05
save the relationship. Contempt destroys
5:07
emotional safety. So for a partner on
5:10
the receiving end, contempt often leads
5:12
to excessive shame, humiliation,
5:17
withdrawal,
5:18
depression,
5:20
loss of trust, feeling fundamentally and
5:24
deeply unlovable. And for the partner
5:27
that expresses contempt, it's often
5:29
masking something much more vulnerable
5:32
that is not been expressed or has been
5:34
expressed without being received. This
5:37
is chronic disappointment. This is
5:40
emotional exhaustion. This is
5:42
hopelessness.
5:44
This is unprocessed grief or a sense of
5:47
moral superiority as protection. Over
5:51
time, contempt destroys goodwill. It
5:54
makes repair feel unsafe. It shuts down
5:57
vulnerability, which is really the only
5:59
key to reconnection is vulnerability.
6:01
We've got to be able to bring ourselves
6:03
to a place where we're disarmed, where
6:05
we put our protectors down to create
6:08
repair. It creates emotional distance
6:10
that can sometimes, if it goes on too
6:13
long, can feel irreversible. Some
6:15
examples of what this might look like is
6:17
this is when a partner stops trying
6:19
because nothing feels safe anymore.
6:21
Nothing has been proactively addressed.
6:24
Conversations become laced with sarcasm,
6:27
dismissal, avoidance, and these
6:29
emotional injuries are met with ridicule
6:31
instead of care. Where contempt lives,
6:34
vulnerability cannot survive. And
6:36
vulnerability, like I mentioned, is the
6:38
only way to repair and reconnection
6:41
after ruptures. And so, we must be able
6:43
to drop in underneath those those um
6:46
walls. So, let's talk about the
6:49
attachment styles that breed contempt
6:52
because contempt most often shows up in
6:54
avoidant or dismissive attachment. But
6:57
it can also appear in people who feel
6:59
chronically disappointed or trapped. And
7:01
so, thinking about your story, if you're
7:03
someone who has contempt or shows
7:05
contempt, think about your attachment
7:06
style. So from an attachment
7:09
perspective, contempt can develop when
7:12
needs have gone unmet for a long time
7:14
and repair has repeatedly failed. This
7:18
is where hope for change can sometimes
7:20
erode. Where emotional withdrawal feels
7:23
safer than longing and maybe someone has
7:25
been in that longing space for so long
7:27
and they can't get their needs met or be
7:29
heard or their person does not engage in
7:31
the changes that they had hoped for. And
7:33
this is where contempt comes in. It
7:36
creates distance by positioning the self
7:38
above the partner or the person in
7:40
relationship. And it's a way to avoid
7:42
the pain of an unmet attachment need.
7:45
Internally, contempt might sound like,
7:47
"I don't need you. I don't need anyone.
7:50
They'll never change. Why bother? Why
7:52
try? I'm done being disappointed. I'm
7:55
over it." So contempt is often
7:58
attachment grief and it hardens into
8:00
armor. So through that AIP EMDR lens,
8:04
because you know that's how I'm going to
8:05
look at it. This is all learned.
8:08
Everything we ever do is from a learned
8:10
adaptation. And so that AIP perspective
8:14
brings up contempt that's often rooted
8:16
in memory networks that involves chronic
8:19
invalidation of an emotional experience.
8:22
This is where a parent did nothing to
8:24
validate an emotional experience. They
8:26
didn't bother to make any changes. They
8:29
never listened to you. And there was
8:31
chronic powerlessness in your
8:32
environment. Being seen or unheard was
8:35
the norm. Having knees was a burden or
8:38
inconvenience and long-term emotional
8:41
neglect does this. It roots a person in
8:44
I can't count on anybody, so why bother?
8:47
Experiences where vulnerability led to
8:49
repeated injury. So over time, the
8:51
nervous system learns things. It learns
8:54
that softness isn't safe. It'll be
8:56
judged, ridiculed, or criticized. that
8:59
if I care, it just leads to pain. So
9:01
distance is protection. It's how I keep
9:03
myself from being hurt all the time.
9:06
Contempt becomes a way to avoid feeling
9:08
helpless or hurt again. It becomes this
9:10
illusion of dis illusion of not being
9:13
hurt. And the disconnection has its very
9:16
own really roots of despair and
9:19
depression. Contempt is often grief and
9:22
pain that can never that never found
9:24
safety or repair in the first place. And
9:27
so this is ringing a bell for you for
9:30
your childhood. You might want to look
9:31
at this being one of the ways that you
9:33
show up. Now, let's talk about
9:34
frustration versus contempt because all
9:37
relationships will have moments of
9:39
frustration and we don't want to
9:40
mislabel things because they mean very
9:42
different things. Frustration expresses
9:45
anger or disappointment. It allows for
9:48
respect. It allows for the moments of
9:50
we're not on the same page, but we can
9:52
make our way through it. It leaves room
9:54
for repair. It wants change. It hopes
9:56
for change and it believes in change. An
9:59
example is like with frustration is
10:01
being able to say, "I'm really
10:02
frustrated and I'm hurt right now and I
10:05
don't know what to do about it." Whereas
10:07
contempt expresses disgust, superiority,
10:10
arrogance. It attacks the worth of the
10:12
person. It totally shuts down repair and
10:15
it communicates hopelessness. An example
10:18
might be something like, "You're
10:19
pathetic. You're worthless." And
10:22
frustration wants change. Contempt is
10:24
given up. And that's really If it's
10:26
something you're experiencing, that can
10:28
kind of tell you what category you fall
10:30
in or what the person who does this to
10:32
you falls in. Now, let's talk about how
10:34
we can heal because repair is always
10:36
part of what this show is designed to
10:38
help people with. This is the hardest
10:41
horsemen to repair, but it is possible.
10:43
So, if you're the one expressing
10:45
contempt, you need to pause and name the
10:49
exhaustion, the pain, the frustration,
10:52
and the chronic disappointment
10:53
underneath to the person that you have
10:55
this with. And you need to identify the
10:57
unresolved grief or resentments and be
10:59
able to name that and speak that with
11:01
vulnerability. You want to reconnect
11:04
with the pain that happened before the
11:06
armor set in. Often times, this one
11:09
can't be really done alone. You have to
11:11
seek support because contempt rarely
11:13
heals in isolation. Some things that you
11:16
can say if you're someone who holds this
11:19
is starting with I've been holding a lot
11:21
of resentment. I've been holding a lot
11:22
of pain. I'm exhausted from holding it
11:25
all in and I don't know how to soften
11:27
anymore because I feel so hopeless. I'm
11:30
hurting way more than I've admitted and
11:32
my behavior is showing that. And then if
11:35
you're someone who uses contempt and you
11:37
don't know it until this show, let's
11:39
talk about other ways that you can show
11:41
up that are not so damaging. One of the
11:43
ways is that you can set boundaries um
11:46
that are firm around disrespect. You
11:49
don't want to absorb or normalize
11:51
demeaning behavior. That's really toxic.
11:54
You got to focus on safety first. So, um
11:58
make sure that your ner nervous system
11:59
is intact and that you're able to
12:01
express yourself in a way that's not
12:03
going to or perpetuate the damage. And
12:05
you want to encourage repair only when
12:07
respect is restored. So some helpful
12:09
language might be like, I won't engage
12:12
when I'm being mocked. I won't engage
12:14
when you're yelling at me or shaming me.
12:17
Um, we can talk when you're able to show
12:19
me the respect that I deserve. I need
12:21
emotional safety to stay in this
12:23
conversation. And so that might look
12:26
like you lowering your voice or kind of
12:28
checking your condescension in your tone
12:30
that I'm picking up because it's
12:32
shutting me down. As a couple, rebuild
12:35
appreciation intentionally. This takes
12:37
some practice because in coupleships,
12:39
this is likely an underpinning that
12:42
happens in small moments. Kind of like
12:44
being pecked to death by a chicken.
12:46
Practicing gratitude daily helps. We
12:48
can't be in these uncomfortable feelings
12:50
and anxiety and pain if we're practicing
12:52
gratitude, which does take a lot of
12:54
effort. And so I tell my clients, throw
12:56
in a reminder in your phone that you do
12:58
this and look around wherever you are
13:00
when your alarm goes off and find and
13:02
things for which you feel gratitude
13:03
because it takes practice and intention,
13:05
but it totally is the anecdote to a lot
13:07
of these feelings. You've got to address
13:10
the address the resentment directly and
13:13
sometimes seeking professional support
13:15
like a therapist early can be really
13:18
beneficial because contempt only heals
13:21
where respect is rebuilt and sometimes
13:23
that needs practice and work and time
13:25
and intention.
13:27
Contempt doesn't come from cruelty. It
13:30
comes from pain that's been ignored for
13:32
way too long. But when contempt shows
13:34
up, it's a serious signal. Not a
13:36
failure, but a deep unmet sign of unmet
13:39
needs and unresolved injuries from a
13:41
prolonged behaviors. Healing requires
13:44
courage, accountability, and often
13:47
outside support, but it is possible to
13:49
soften that armor, rebuild respect, and
13:51
restore connection. If this episode
13:53
resonated for you, please share it.
13:56
Watch the rest of the series on the four
13:57
horsemen of the apocalypse because it
13:59
really is helpful to learn these
14:01
strategies that you or someone in your
14:03
relationships may be practicing so that
14:05
you better understand because you want
14:07
to have a traumainformed relationship
14:10
conversations. And if you want more
14:12
information on this stuff, please make
14:14
sure you follow my uh social media
14:16
sites, Kelly O'Horo. And I just really
14:18
appreciate the support and I hope you
14:20
found this episode helpful. Thank you so
14:22
much for listening to Adaptable. And
14:24
until we meet again, don't forget to
14:26
lead with love. It'll never steer you
14:28
wrong.