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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode explores Criticism: When Needs Turn Into Attacks, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and how it can quietly erode connection in relationships. We break down how criticism often masks deeper unmet needs, why it shows up as blame instead of vulnerability, and how shifting from attack to honest expression can completely change the way we’re heard, understood, and connected.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks so much for tuning in
0:14
today to Adaptable. If you are someone
0:16
who is critical in relationships or is
0:19
with someone who's very critical, then
0:20
this episode is going to be for you. I'm
0:23
breaking down one of the four horsemen
0:25
of the apocalypse as part of this um
0:27
series. on that episode I did 12 months
0:30
ago on an overview of the four horsemen
0:32
and now we're breaking down each one of
0:34
those into uh individual episodes and
0:37
today you're in store for learning about
0:40
criticism. So, we're going to continue
0:41
our breakdown of those four horsemen.
0:43
And again, this is all part of John
0:45
Gottman's research. And uh criticism is
0:49
one of the most common of the um
0:52
patterns in in couples relationships and
0:56
one of the most misunderstood. It often
0:58
comes from a place of frustration,
1:01
longing or unmet needs, but it lands as
1:03
an attack as something wrong with the
1:06
other person. And I always tell people
1:07
that when they talk about kids, all bad
1:10
behavior is the the result of an unmet
1:12
need. And this one really fits into that
1:14
same category. Criticism sounds sharp.
1:17
It feels personal and over time it
1:19
quietly erodess safety in relationships.
1:22
Now, it is not as harmful or destructive
1:24
as contempt, which I talked about in
1:26
another episode, but it is something
1:28
that builds up over time. We're going to
1:30
talk about what criticism is and what
1:33
it's not. And like I talked about in
1:35
some of the other episodes, oftentimes
1:37
social media gets it wrong. And so
1:40
people are learning things incorrectly.
1:41
So hopefully this sets the record
1:43
straight on what criticism is because we
1:45
actually can have feedback for somebody
1:47
when something's not going okay. And
1:48
that doesn't have to be criticism. But
1:51
we're going to talk about how it impacts
1:52
relationships over time. uh the
1:54
attachment styles that are most often
1:56
associated with this behavior and what
1:59
early experiences help to wire someone
2:02
toward critical communication. Sometimes
2:05
it was modeled, sometimes it wasn't. So,
2:07
we're going to talk about how to tell
2:08
the difference between criticism and a
2:11
complaint and how to repair when when
2:14
that happens when criticism is part of
2:16
the relationship. So, let's first start
2:18
with what John Gottman meant by the word
2:21
criticism in general. In the research by
2:23
Gottman, criticism is not the same as
2:26
expressing a concern or making a
2:28
request. Criticism attacks the person,
2:31
not the behavior. It sounds like some of
2:34
those common things you hear in
2:35
relationship quarrels. You always dot
2:39
dot dot. You never It's global. That's
2:42
just who you are or why are you like
2:45
this? It's judging like the person in
2:47
general. Criticism communicates there's
2:50
something wrong with you. And over time,
2:52
this infights defensiveness, withdrawal,
2:55
or counterattacks, and it opens the door
2:58
for the other horsemen to follow suit.
3:01
So, some examples that you might hear or
3:04
even feel familiar for you. You never
3:06
help around here. You always sleep in
3:08
and I'm stuck to deal with it all on my
3:10
own. You're so selfish. You're just
3:13
lazy. Instead of what's really
3:16
underneath that criticism or that unmet
3:18
need, which is I'm overwhelmed. and I
3:21
need support. I need you to check in and
3:23
help me not feel so alone. Or I felt
3:26
hurt and I need some reassurance here.
3:29
Criticism is often a protest for an
3:31
unmet need, but it really lands poorly
3:33
and it feels like an attack instead. And
3:37
the core idea around criticism is that
3:40
it erodess relationships because it's
3:42
identity level attack and it doesn't
3:44
feel safe to the nervous system. And it
3:46
says my being who I am is being rejected
3:49
and is not acceptable. So over time
3:52
criticism lowers emotional safety. It
3:55
increases defensiveness. It fuels
3:58
resentment. Absolutely reduces
4:01
vulnerability because when I'm being
4:02
criticized, how am I going to feel
4:04
vulnerable and raw? It creates distance
4:07
and it makes repair harder over time. So
4:10
the person in the relationship receives
4:12
the criticism. They often experience
4:15
shame. And again, shame is one of our
4:17
most inhibitory emotions. It shuts us
4:20
down. It breeds feelings of inadequacy.
4:23
It helps someone to create feelings like
4:25
no matter what they do, they can't get
4:26
it right. And as a result of that
4:29
happening over and over, it brings up a
4:32
desire to withdraw or protect. And the
4:34
partner that uses criticism feels
4:37
something too. They feel unheard,
4:40
dismissed, unimportant, overburdened,
4:43
like they're doing more than their fair
4:45
share in the distribution of the
4:47
relationship requirements and they are
4:50
desperate for change and it's coming in
4:52
the form of that unmet need that looks
4:55
like criticism. So, let's talk about
4:57
some examples. Maybe one partner becomes
4:59
defensive or shuts down and then the
5:01
other escalates criticism to be heard.
5:05
Both feel misunderstood. Both feel
5:07
alone. Both are not getting their needs
5:09
met. But criticism doesn't motivate
5:12
change. It activates those protection
5:15
measures. And oftentimes more of those
5:17
four horsemen follow suit. And that
5:19
makes things worse. So let's talk about
5:22
attachment styles and how these can come
5:25
to fruition. So you can learn more about
5:27
why you might do some of these things if
5:28
you do or why the person in relationship
5:31
that you're in may do it as well. So
5:34
criticism most often shows up in people
5:37
with anxious or preoccupied attachment.
5:39
Though it can appear across styles, most
5:41
commonly an in anxious attachment. And
5:43
from that attachment lens, criticism is
5:46
frequently driven by a fear of
5:48
abandonment or disconnection. Fear of
5:51
not mattering, being relevant, being
5:53
worthy. Fear of being alone in a
5:55
relationship. fear that their needs
5:58
won't be met unless they get noisy or
6:00
amplified or the things they've done in
6:03
the past didn't work. Internally,
6:05
criticism often sounds like, "Why don't
6:08
you see me? Why don't I matter? No
6:09
matter what I do, it's never enough. Why
6:12
am I always the one who notices, who
6:14
does the repair, who brings things to
6:16
our attention in our relationship? And
6:18
if I don't push, nothing will change."
6:20
So, that's kind of the internal dialogue
6:22
for someone who tends to be critical.
6:25
And criticism becomes this protest
6:28
behavior. It's an attempt to pull a
6:30
person or a partner closer, but it
6:32
obviously creates the opposite effect
6:34
because it pushes them away or creates
6:36
defenses which wall them up. Criticism
6:39
is often that voice of the attachment
6:42
panic, which is why I think it's really
6:43
critical to understand our attachment
6:45
styles and why those things are the
6:48
first course of understanding behavior
6:50
and how it shows up. And as always, I'm
6:53
going to discuss the adaptive
6:55
information processing. That's the
6:57
learning theory that EMDR is created in.
6:59
And from that AIP perspective, criticism
7:02
is often linked to some early
7:04
experiences. It always is, where needs
7:07
were inconsistently met. Caregivers were
7:10
emotionally unavailable. Love felt
7:12
conditional. On one minute, I'm the best
7:14
person ever, and in another minute, I
7:16
make one mistake, and I'm an idiot. I'm
7:18
ignored. I'm not spoken to for days in
7:21
my family system. Being quiet meant
7:23
being overlooked. Sometimes this is the
7:25
easy child in a a group of three. This
7:28
is the one that doesn't make the noise
7:30
or the chaos. And so they get regularly
7:32
ignored. Escalation was required to be
7:34
seen. So I had to get really noisy and
7:36
protest to get anybody to pay attention
7:38
or check in. And these experiences
7:41
create memory networks. They create
7:43
learning and patterns because remember
7:44
what fires together wires together. And
7:47
so the belief that happens is I have to
7:49
push to matter. I have to be noisy to
7:51
get my needs met. If I'm quiet, nobody
7:53
will notice. If I soften, I'll continue
7:56
to be ignored. And ultimately, my needs
7:59
aren't important unless I make a stink.
8:01
So when a current partner misses a bid
8:03
for connection, old memory networks
8:06
activate, and those responses become
8:08
sharper than the present moment alone
8:11
explains. And so if this is something
8:13
that happens in a relationship, you need
8:14
to think about their history. Criticism
8:17
is often bold, unmet needs just speaking
8:21
in a louder voice. So, how do we tell
8:23
the difference between a criticism and a
8:26
complaint? Because the distinction on
8:28
these topics is essential because we do
8:30
have to be able to bring attention to
8:31
things that aren't working for me in a
8:33
relationship. So, a complaint focuses on
8:36
a specific behavior. It uses I
8:38
statements like, you know, I feel like
8:41
my needs don't matter when I wake up in
8:43
the morning and I see that your dishes
8:44
were not done from your dinner after I'd
8:46
already cleaned the kitchen. I feel like
8:48
I don't matter and I'm unimportant to
8:50
you because of that. It expresses that
8:52
feeling or the need, the emotional
8:54
underpinning, and it leaves room for
8:56
repair. You know what I want is for you
8:59
to be more mindful about getting your
9:00
dishes handled before you leave the the
9:03
living room or the kitchen for the night
9:05
so that I don't wake up to the mess that
9:07
I tried to avoid by cleaning the kitchen
9:09
after we ate. It might also sound like I
9:11
felt lonely last night and I need more
9:12
connection. You know, I noticed you were
9:14
distracted with your game or your movie
9:16
or whatever it is you were doing and I'm
9:18
noticing that's a pattern and I really
9:20
feel lonely and I need more time with
9:21
you. Criticism attacks character. It
9:24
uses more global broadbrush language. It
9:27
implies defectiveness in the person in
9:29
general as opposed to addressing just
9:31
the behavior. And it will obviously
9:34
trigger defenses. So broadbrush examples
9:38
are like, "You never care about me.
9:40
You're always distracted. Your video
9:42
games matter more than our
9:43
relationship." And complaints invite
9:45
connection. Criticism invites
9:47
protection. That's the key. Complaints
9:50
invite connection. Criticism invites
9:53
protection and protection breeds
9:55
disconnection. And so that's what we
9:58
want to think about. What's happening in
9:59
you if it happens and what is that
10:01
bringing on and what's likely happening
10:03
in the person or partner in the
10:05
relationship if this is a pattern. So as
10:08
always we're going to talk about repair
10:10
because these things can be fixed. So
10:14
how do we heal or repair after criticism
10:17
because it is possible. uh it begins
10:20
with translating the criticism back into
10:23
the vulnerability. So again, taking a
10:25
deeper dive and figuring out what is
10:27
underneath this unmet need that I am
10:29
lashing out as far as a critical
10:31
behavior, implying some defectiveness in
10:34
the person that I'm speaking to or that
10:35
is being spoken into me. So if you're
10:38
the one that becomes critical, you want
10:40
to start to try to take a pause. What am
10:42
I really needing right now? You want to
10:45
replace character attacks with that
10:47
emotional truth. I feel alone. I feel
10:49
dismissed. I feel unseen. Practicing
10:52
expressing those fears or hurts or those
10:54
longings instead of blame is a great
10:56
start. Even if you just narrow it down
10:58
to one of those three because usually
11:00
they are at the crux of this. And it
11:03
might be helpful to say things like,
11:04
"I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need
11:06
help." Or, "I'm scared we're drifting
11:08
apart." Or, "I need more reassurance
11:10
that I matter to you." These are
11:12
vulnerable. And so being able to drop
11:15
into that vulnerability doesn't always
11:18
lead to defensiveness and gives you the
11:19
best opportunity at being hurt. So now
11:23
if you're with someone who is critical,
11:25
you want to don't immediately
11:26
counterattract. It's hard counterattack.
11:29
It's hard not to get defensive and fight
11:31
shame with shame when it comes to
11:33
someone who's critical. So you want to
11:34
listen for the unmet need underneath the
11:36
criticism. You know, when you said you
11:39
never clean the kitchen, can you help me
11:41
understand what's really going on there?
11:42
Because, you know, I could I could argue
11:44
that I do clean the kitchen, but
11:45
something's happening for you, and I
11:47
want to better understand what that
11:48
looks like. You want to set boundaries
11:50
around disrespectful language. You want
11:52
to invite a softer way of communicating.
11:55
If someone's coming in hot, you might
11:57
say, "Hey, I want to hear what you mean,
11:58
but the way you're delivering it is
12:01
creating some defensiveness in me, and
12:03
that's not how I want to show up." And
12:05
so helpful language can be like when I
12:07
hear that I feel attacked or I want to
12:09
understand what you're needing and this
12:11
is making it hard for me. Can you tell
12:13
me what you're feeling without the
12:14
criticism because then I can maybe do
12:16
something to make a change. I will say
12:19
that in couples this is normal. We are
12:23
instinctively critical and I want to
12:25
normalize that we all have unmet needs
12:28
especially as we get so busy being human
12:30
doings and not human beings and we don't
12:33
slow down enough to say you know I'm
12:35
feeling a certain kind of way and we're
12:37
falling into some patterns that are not
12:39
helping me get my needs met. So I want
12:41
to normalize that this is common and
12:44
creating safety for vulnerability really
12:46
is the key. So you want to practice
12:48
repair conversations after conflict. You
12:51
want to work on slowing down
12:53
interactions, especially if there's some
12:55
emotion behind it because criticism
12:58
often softens when vulnerability is met
13:00
with safety. When the person in the
13:03
moment says, "I really want to hear you.
13:05
Let's try again. I re you really matter
13:07
to me and what you need matters to me,
13:09
too." Criticism doesn't come from
13:12
cruelty. It comes from longing. It's
13:14
longing to be seen, longing to matter,
13:17
longing for change and connection. And
13:20
when we learn to hear the need beneath
13:22
the criticism, and then we can express
13:24
it with honesty instead of that
13:26
sharpness or that global attribution of
13:28
a person, relationships become a safer
13:30
place to land. And repair isn't about
13:33
never criticizing again. It's about
13:35
learning how to turn that protest of an
13:37
unmet need into a connection
13:39
opportunity.
13:40
So, I hope that this helped. This again
13:42
is one of the most common things that
13:44
show up in the four horsemen in
13:46
relationships. And if you found it
13:48
beneficial, give us a like, drop some
13:51
comments in if this resonated with you,
13:53
but definitely make sure that you
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subscribe. And when you watch our show,
13:56
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13:59
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14:00
subscribers. It really helps us. So,
14:02
thank you so much for listening, for
14:04
being a fan of the show, and for
14:06
sticking it out to the end on this one.
14:09
Thank you very much. And until we meet
14:11
again, don't forget to lead with love.
14:13
It'll never steer you wrong.
14:22
Hey,