Up next in 10
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over Gentle Goal Setting, a compassionate approach to creating goals that honor your capacity, nervous system, and real life, focusing on progress over perfection and helping you move forward without burnout, shame, or unrealistic pressure.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody, happy new year. Hope you had
0:14
a nice holiday season. I am going to
0:18
today talk about some goal setting. I'm
0:20
Kelly O'Horo, your host for Adaptable.
0:22
And a lot of people are talking about
0:24
goals right now and setting goals and
0:26
growth. And there's lots of little
0:28
catchy things that happen related to
0:30
goal setting. But something I wanted to
0:32
talk about was maybe something that
0:34
would be a little bit more attainable
0:36
for those of you who have busy busy big
0:38
lives and you really want to see change
0:41
and and have expectations for change,
0:43
but have put a lot of pressure on
0:45
yourself in the past and then found
0:47
yourself coming up um February or March
0:49
failing the initial goals that you set.
0:51
And so I want to kind of call this maybe
0:54
gentle goals so that you can get real
0:56
change out of the commitment that you
0:57
make to yourself to continue being your
1:00
best self and becoming more of who you
1:03
really want to be. And ultimately if
1:06
we're not growing or changing we're not
1:09
going to improve because you know
1:11
there's those cliche statements like if
1:13
nothing changes nothing changes. And we
1:16
really have to look at what is it that I
1:17
want to change. And today we're going to
1:19
explore that topic. That is both hopeful
1:22
for many, but when you think about goal
1:24
setting, it can be quietly painful again
1:26
for all the times that you've
1:27
potentially failed. And there's shame
1:29
around that. If you've ever set a goal
1:31
and felt shame when you didn't reach it
1:33
or wondered how to create change without
1:35
burning out or exhausting yourself or
1:37
overcommitting, then this show might
1:40
just be for you. So, what changes when
1:43
we set more gentle goals?
1:46
Goal setting isn't about willpower. It's
1:48
not about hustle. It's about honoring
1:50
your nervous system and your story. And
1:53
everybody is different. And everybody is
1:55
different over time because we change.
1:57
We're constantly evolving. For years,
1:59
I've set really ambitious goals
2:02
believing that bigger means better and
2:04
more means more. But what I'm really
2:07
learning now as I approach 50 is life,
2:10
trauma, stress, caregiving. It's taught
2:13
me that real change starts with safety,
2:16
not pressure and presence and patience,
2:19
not necessarily big lavish objectives.
2:22
So gentle goals invite us to listen to
2:25
our bodies and to our bandwidth. And
2:27
they ask us what's possible for me right
2:29
now, not what is my neighbor Sally down
2:32
the street doing and you know and what
2:34
they're talking about when I meet them
2:36
at the bus stop and how I feel like I'm
2:38
falling short. That's not what this is
2:40
about. So let's talk about the
2:42
principles for gentle goal setting. And
2:44
here's nine of them so that you can
2:46
think about ways that'll be more
2:48
beneficial that these ways will heal,
2:50
not harm. and each will give you an
2:52
opportunity to reflect on your own
2:54
journey. So the first thing is start
2:55
small. Big leaps can trigger overwhelm.
2:58
So micro steps build trust with
3:00
yourself. When I shrink a goal like
3:02
writing every day to write one sentence
3:05
or even one word, there's like relief
3:07
and then you end up with momentum.
3:09
You're going to align your goals with
3:10
values because goals that don't match
3:13
your values drain you. So when I think
3:16
about things like goals that I've set in
3:18
the past that are really more externally
3:20
motivated, it doesn't sit right with me.
3:22
But I do have, you know, a value of
3:24
connection. And so maybe I might make a
3:26
goal to call a friend weekly, not just
3:29
network more. And that way it's in align
3:31
with what I want to do as far as who I
3:33
am as a person. I have a friend who is
3:36
so sweet. One of her goals was, I think,
3:38
related to reaching out to people that
3:40
she doesn't maybe intentionally reach
3:42
out to as much. And I think that every
3:44
month she sent me a sweet little note in
3:46
in 2025 or many little notes through the
3:49
year of 2025 just thinking about me. And
3:52
I thought it was really sweet. And
3:53
knowing her like I do, I'm pretty sure
3:55
that it was one of her goals that she
3:57
set at the new year and I made the list
3:58
of someone she wanted to reach out to
4:00
which was really sweet. So again, make
4:02
sure your goals align with your values.
4:04
Another thing to think about is
4:05
redefining success. Success is not
4:08
perfection. Perfection is just armor and
4:10
it's a 20 ton armor. Success is
4:12
progress. its presence and its
4:14
self-compassion.
4:15
So, you want to celebrate just showing
4:17
up instead of crushing it or nailing it
4:20
or think about how I just showed up and
4:22
how that can change everything for
4:24
yourself because presence is so
4:26
powerful. You want to set boundaries
4:28
with yourself and others to protect your
4:30
energy. You want to say no to goals that
4:32
aren't yours. Someone says you should do
4:34
this or you should do that, you need to
4:36
reflect. I was thinking about, in fact,
4:38
just before we started shooting today, I
4:40
was thinking about a one of my sons
4:42
said, you know, mom, you should do this
4:43
thing that had to do with fitness before
4:45
I reach 50. And I said to him, I would
4:48
love that, but right now that doesn't
4:50
match my current time availability in my
4:52
life. And so, again, it wasn't trying to
4:54
impress him. It was about thinking about
4:56
what can I do for myself to nourish what
5:00
works for my current time in my life.
5:02
You have to adapt your season depending
5:05
on what's going on. Again, back to that,
5:07
every season is different for everyone.
5:09
And some seasons are for growth and
5:11
others are for rest. Some seasons are
5:14
for reflection. For example, I just went
5:16
through a pretty intense year with my
5:19
mom being ill. And I would call it a
5:22
family crisis for onwards of nine
5:24
months. And you know, I had these big
5:27
lofty goals. But now I think about what
5:29
is it that I want to do that will just
5:31
like be a little bit better. Atomic
5:33
Habit has a really awesome concept
5:35
called 1% better. And it's like for me
5:38
just drinking more water or drinking my
5:41
my whole glass of water in the morning
5:42
before I drink coffee like will get me
5:44
more water in. And that's a that's
5:46
enough right now after I think about the
5:48
year that I've survived. And it may not
5:51
sound like much to someone else, but for
5:52
me, if I drink another glass of water
5:55
every single day, that in my life is a
5:57
lot. And my body will appreciate it. So
5:59
again, you just think about things that
6:00
you can do that make sense for where you
6:03
are. You want to invite support because
6:06
change is relational. It's always easier
6:08
to tackle things when you're doing it
6:10
with somebody. Share your goals with
6:12
someone that's safe. You know, if you've
6:13
got something you want to do, see if
6:15
you've got someone that would like to do
6:16
something similar and they can you can
6:18
commit to doing that together. And that
6:20
way you have a little bit of an
6:21
accountability partner, but you also
6:24
have, you know, someone that you can be
6:25
with in connection while you work on
6:27
this goal. Practice self-compassion. Uh
6:30
when you miss a goal, be curious about
6:32
it, not critic, not criticizing
6:34
yourself. Instead of saying, I failed,
6:37
maybe you might want to say, you know,
6:38
what got in the way and how can I adjust
6:40
or how might I need to pivot? And that
6:43
might help you come up with a way that
6:46
you can improve goal outcome for
6:48
yourself. There are also a lot of tools
6:51
that you can use. Um not rules but
6:53
tools. Um there's one called smarter
6:57
smarter goals. There's another one
6:58
called Whoop. W O P. And habit stacking
7:02
is another tool that you can use and you
7:04
can use them with some flexibility and
7:05
thinking about tiny ways that you can
7:08
establish rituals that will help you.
7:10
Let's say you are always running late in
7:12
the morning and one of the reasons is
7:15
because you struggle to figure out what
7:16
you're going to wear. Maybe one tiny
7:18
ritual that you adjust with is just
7:21
putting out your clothes for tomorrow
7:22
the night before. And that way you kind
7:24
of mitigate that delay in the morning.
7:27
And that tiny little ritual will make a
7:29
really big difference to the outcome of
7:31
your timeliness in the morning. And then
7:32
again, I said this, but you want to
7:34
celebrate tiny wins because every micro
7:36
step really is a victory. And if you do
7:38
that micro step with habit, meaning over
7:41
and over again, it really changes the
7:44
way that you are. Something that's
7:45
important to me is that I make my bed in
7:47
the morning. And it's not that anyone
7:49
sees my bed. It's not that even I see my
7:52
bed until I'm ready to crawl back in it
7:53
at night. It's that I start that moment
7:56
in the morning with like an act of
7:59
tidiness and completion and like
8:01
culminating factor of of the night and
8:04
starting my day with a kickoff. And so I
8:06
feel better about the whole day when I
8:07
just make my bed. And so I am someone
8:10
who prefers to make my bed in the
8:11
morning. And when you do little moments
8:14
with tiny wins, you start to feel more
8:17
confident about your outcomes. And those
8:20
are really cool ways to feel about
8:22
yourself. So again, tiny wins are
8:24
something to focus on. Now, we're going
8:26
to talk about the idea of ache from the
8:29
overwhelm and burden of goal setting and
8:32
hope, which really happen when you think
8:35
about the idea of change, especially if
8:37
it lasts a long time. Maybe you're tired
8:40
of setting goals that fizzle and you
8:42
feel bad about yourself because of it.
8:43
Or maybe you're afraid to try again
8:46
because, you know, you wonder if small
8:48
things are even enough or or like I'm
8:50
talking about today, gentle goals, are
8:52
they enough? Well, here's what I have
8:54
learned that is that rigid goals can
8:56
feel like judgment, not just from
8:58
others, but self whereas gentle goals
9:00
feel like an invitation. And it's
9:03
supportive. It's not shaming. And
9:05
ultimately having a way that just keeps
9:07
us a nudge forward is a good thing,
9:10
right? Just a little bit better every
9:11
single day. So I want to think about
9:13
clients that discuss uh the topic of
9:15
exercise, which I hear about because it
9:17
is really a beneficial way to reduce
9:19
stress in the body. It's, you know,
9:21
science shows that there's numerous
9:24
outcomes that are awesome. And so when
9:26
you think about this coming up, I this
9:28
is a little bit of an amalgamation of
9:30
stories, but I'm thinking about a client
9:32
who wants to exercise daily, but then
9:35
thinks about freezing at the thought and
9:37
adding, you know, the hour seven
9:39
different days a week. And um we we
9:42
start by talking about putting shoes on
9:44
and walk to the mailbox, you know, or
9:46
plan to walk two minutes and back or
9:49
five minutes and back. And just inching
9:51
towards something gets the idea of
9:54
movement. And telling yourself, I want
9:56
to be someone who exercises
9:59
and then making those small steps is a
10:01
is a big win. And that micro step can
10:03
eventually become a habit if we
10:05
reproduce it. And eventually maybe it
10:07
turns into a daily walk, which is
10:09
something that, you know, many clients
10:11
want to embody as far as their goals. So
10:14
now we're going to talk about tools for
10:16
gentle change. How do we create change
10:18
that lasts? One of the things that you
10:20
must do when it comes to goal setting is
10:22
practicing true vulnerability. You want
10:24
to share your hopes, your fears about
10:27
the change. You want to share the things
10:28
that you're committing to do and making
10:30
them real. You want to set healthy
10:32
boundaries about them. You know, say no
10:34
to the hustle culture. Yes, to rest. And
10:37
again, lead with curiosity when you run
10:39
into issues about why you weren't
10:41
successful. And then maybe readjust or
10:43
pivot. What's the smallest step that you
10:45
can take today toward that thing? and
10:48
keep the welcome mat out for yourself.
10:50
Like you belong even when you miss a
10:53
step. I get hard on myself a little bit
10:55
when it comes to like my house getting
10:57
too messy when I'm going in too many
10:59
directions and I've thrown things
11:00
everywhere and I have dishes building up
11:02
in my sink or things like that. And an
11:06
example might even be like today I saw
11:09
my sink and I was so frustrated and I
11:11
didn't think I had time to empty the
11:12
whole dishwasher and put dishes in, but
11:14
I thought I could start and then I ended
11:16
up having enough time. So, even though I
11:18
didn't get to do my counters and put
11:19
everything away, I was able to do the
11:21
dishwasher and put dirty dishes in. And
11:23
it felt like some accomplishment. And I
11:25
looked at the kitchen and I
11:26
intentionally said that feels better.
11:29
And so, I think it's important that you
11:31
give yourself permission to enjoy the
11:32
little wins and and recognize that it's
11:35
okay to be imperfect and that there's no
11:37
such thing as perfect. There's some
11:39
science behind the overwhelm that
11:41
happens when we are struggling with
11:43
these types of things and missing goals
11:46
and we end up with some shame around it.
11:48
So the amygdala which is our brain's
11:50
alarm system when it senses threat even
11:53
emotional threat that executive
11:55
functioning in our brain totally drops
11:57
off and big goals can feel impossible
12:00
because the brain prioritizes survival.
12:03
And so gentle micro goals help your
12:06
brain to feel safe enough to embark on
12:08
some goal setting in general. And I
12:11
think that's important to think about
12:12
when you're deciding what kind of goals
12:15
you want to set for yourself for the
12:16
year. So let me give you some practical
12:18
steps. Right? We've talked about why
12:19
it's better to be more about gentle goal
12:22
setting, but now let's talk about how
12:24
we're going to use it. So here's some
12:25
steps that you can try even today if you
12:27
want. First, you want to identify your
12:29
values. Write down two core values. Mine
12:33
are compassion and authenticity. Yours
12:36
might be connection and health. Yours
12:39
might be, you know, faith and rest.
12:42
Whatever they are, you need to know what
12:43
your two values are. And so, for each
12:46
one, choose a micro behavior that honors
12:49
that value. So, let me give you an
12:50
example. Um, connection might be a value
12:53
and a micro behavior might be text a
12:56
friend during my lunch on Wednesdays.
12:58
It's a micro goal. Set a smarter goal.
13:01
So that would be something specific.
13:04
What exactly will you do? And then it
13:06
needs to be measurable. How will you
13:08
know that you did it? And then it needs
13:10
to be achievable. Is it realistic for
13:13
your current season? And is it relevant?
13:15
Does it connect for you personally to
13:18
your values? It needs to be time boxed.
13:20
When will you do it? How will it be
13:22
finished? And you need to check your
13:24
emotion. This is where the smarter er
13:26
part comes from. Smart goals. You check
13:28
that. Does this goal feel kind? not
13:31
triggering, not overwhelming. And then
13:33
the R part of smarter is regulation.
13:37
It's supported. You know, what resource
13:39
will you use before you start if it's
13:41
something that overwhelms you? Deep
13:43
breath. Do you put music on? Do you need
13:45
to go for a walk? And you want to make
13:47
sure you have some implementation
13:49
intentions. So, let me give you an
13:51
example what I mean there. It's kind of
13:53
like an if space then space. So, an
13:56
example, if it's 8:00 p.m., then I set
13:59
out my journal. or if it's 900 p.m. I
14:02
take my medicine or if it's 700 p.m. I
14:05
floss my teeth. And so there's an if
14:08
then outcome or you can try whoop wish,
14:13
outcome, obstacle, and plan. So let me
14:16
give you an example of that. If you have
14:18
a wish, that might be move more. There's
14:21
my wish. I want to move more. The
14:23
outcome would be I'll feel energized.
14:26
The obstacle might be I'm always tired
14:28
after work and I just want to plop down
14:30
and watch TV. And then my plan is I'm
14:32
going to walk two minutes before I eat
14:35
dinner. Okay, so that's how you do
14:37
Whoop. And you just assess that. The
14:39
other thing you can do is habit stack.
14:40
So you're going to attach a new habit to
14:42
an existing one. So let's say you like
14:45
to watch TV when you start your day and
14:48
drink your coffee. Well, maybe you sub
14:49
your coffee for water and you do that on
14:53
a treadmill. And so you watch TV as you
14:55
wake up with a water. So that's a habit
14:57
stack. You're already sitting there
14:58
watching TV. Now we just change the
15:00
behavior with it. That make sense? All
15:03
right. The other thing you can do is
15:05
shrink the goal. If it feels too
15:07
overwhelming, just make it smaller. So
15:09
let's say I said, "I'm going to journal
15:11
every single day about gratitude." And
15:14
that feels too big. I might say, "I'm
15:16
going to write two lines after dinner."
15:18
Just two lines. No more. Again, shrink
15:20
the goal. Celebrate and share. Share
15:23
your goal with someone that you trust,
15:25
someone that you talk to, and then
15:26
celebrate every micro step that you do.
15:29
Keep a done list. So hopefully as you
15:33
think about who you want to be in this
15:35
year to come, you found this episode
15:38
helpful and you thought about the fact
15:41
that you want to go set. It does trend
15:43
at the beginning of every new year. But
15:45
gentle goals honor your nervous system.
15:48
It honors your values, the season of
15:50
life that you're in. And the work is not
15:53
to push harder, but it's to listen
15:55
deeper. You're not behind. You're just
15:58
where you are. So consider safety first,
16:01
structure second. Write one smarter
16:03
goal, and implementation intention
16:06
today. And share it with someone that
16:08
you trust. Maybe even share it with us
16:10
in the comments if you do that. That
16:12
would be amazing that we could do this
16:14
together. And remember that progress is
16:16
relational. It's not performative and
16:20
there's no such thing as perfection.
16:22
Thank you so much for tuning in to
16:24
Adaptable today. If this episode
16:26
resonated with you, make sure that you
16:27
subscribe, like, share, and if you're
16:30
listening and you're not subscribed,
16:32
please do so. We get a lot of our watch
16:34
hours from nonsubscribed listeners. And
16:36
so we love you to go ahead and click
16:38
that subscribe button if you're enjoying
16:39
our show. And until we meet again, don't
16:43
forget to lead with love. It'll never
16:45
steer you wrong.
16:47
[Music]