0:00
Contempt is more deeply rooted. Contempt
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usually emerges after some longstanding
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unresolved conflict. So in relationships
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where people haven't circled back to
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repair, they haven't addressed the pain
0:13
points and the issues and it's and it's
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accumulation accumulation of resentment
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of dissatisfaction of disappointment.
0:20
Chronic criticism and defensiveness can
0:23
erode into contempt. And repeated
0:26
emotional injury after emotional injury
0:29
without resolution, without
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accountability, without honest authentic
0:34
apology will then bring contempt. Once
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contempt becomes frequent or habitual,
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Gottman's research shows it predicts
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separation, divorce, and the raveling or
0:45
the unraveling of a relationship. So the
0:48
other horsemen damage relationships and
0:51
contempt completely erodess
0:53
relationships. So if this is something
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that you know you do or something that
0:57
you have toward your partner or someone
0:59
you're in close relationship with, you
1:01
really need to address it if you want to
1:03
save the relationship. Contempt destroys
1:05
emotional safety. So for a partner on
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the receiving end, contempt often leads
1:10
to excessive shame, humiliation,
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loss of trust, feeling fundamentally and
1:22
deeply unlovable. And for the partner
1:25
that expresses contempt, it's often
1:27
masking something much more vulnerable
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that is not been expressed or has been
1:32
expressed without being received. This
1:35
is chronic disappointment. This is
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emotional exhaustion. This is
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This is unprocessed grief or a sense of
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moral superiority as protection. Over
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time, contempt destroys goodwill. It
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makes repair feel unsafe. It shuts down
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vulnerability, which is really the only
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key to reconnection is vulnerability.
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We've got to be able to bring ourselves
2:01
to a place where we're disarmed, where
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we put our protectors down to create
2:06
repair. It creates emotional distance
2:08
that can sometimes, if it goes on too
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long, can feel irreversible. Some
2:13
examples of what this might look like is
2:14
this is when a partner stops trying
2:17
because nothing feels safe anymore.
2:19
Nothing has been proactively addressed.
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Conversations become laced with sarcasm,
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dismissal, avoidance, and these
2:27
emotional injuries are met with ridicule
2:29
instead of care. Where contempt lives,
2:32
vulnerability cannot survive. And
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vulnerability, like I mentioned, is the
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only way to repair and reconnection
2:39
after ruptures. And so, we must be able
2:41
to drop in underneath those those um
2:44
walls. So, let's talk about the
2:47
attachment styles that breed contempt
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because contempt most often shows up in
2:52
avoidant or dismissive attachment. But
2:55
it can also appear in people who feel
2:56
chronically disappointed or trapped. And
2:59
so, thinking about your story, if you're
3:01
someone who has contempt or shows
3:03
contempt, think about your attachment
3:04
style. So from an attachment
3:07
perspective, contempt can develop when
3:09
needs have gone unmet for a long time
3:12
and repair has repeatedly failed. This
3:16
is where hope for change can sometimes
3:18
erode. Where emotional withdrawal feels
3:21
safer than longing and maybe someone has
3:23
been in that longing space for so long
3:25
and they can't get their needs met or be
3:27
heard or their person does not engage in
3:29
the changes that they had hoped for. And
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this is where contempt comes in. It
3:34
creates distance by positioning the self
3:36
above the partner or the person in
3:38
relationship. And it's a way to avoid
3:40
the pain of an unmet attachment need.
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Internally, contempt might sound like,
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"I don't need you. I don't need anyone.
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They'll never change. Why bother? Why
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try? I'm done being disappointed. I'm
3:53
over it." So contempt is often
3:56
attachment grief and it hardens into
3:58
armor. So through that AIP, EMDR lens,
4:02
because you know That's how I'm going to
4:03
look at it. This is all learned.
4:06
Everything we ever do is from a learned
4:08
adaptation. And so that AIP perspective
4:12
brings up contempt that's often rooted
4:14
in memory networks that involves chronic
4:17
invalidation of an emotional experience.
4:20
This is where a parent did nothing to
4:22
validate an emotional experience.
