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Over time, defensiveness prevents
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emotional repair. It can escalate
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conflict because the person doesn't feel
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heard. It reinforces criticism and it
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will create emotional distance. And it
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can make a a vulnerability feel unsafe.
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So the partner on the receiving end
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often feels dismissed, invalidated,
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unheard, unimportant. And really what's
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deepest is they feel alone in their
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experience. like they have to argue hard
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to be understood or to be seen. And then
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the defensive partner often feels
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attacked, blamed, ashamed, afraid of
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being seen or called out as the bad one
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or the problem. And so these are
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happening in in the at the same time.
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Defensiveness keeps conversations
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focused on being right instead of being
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connected. And if you're someone who
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needs to be right all the time or
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struggles with being wrong, then this is
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likely part of what happens for you.
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Now, we're going to talk about the
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attachment style that's behind
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defensiveness because it commonly
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appears in people who are fearful,
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avoidant, or anxious attachment. Though
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it can show up across styles, it's most
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common in the anxious lens. So from that
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attachment lens, defensiveness comes out
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of fear of rejection, fear of
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disappointing others, fear of being seen
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as flawed, fear of losing connection if
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mistakes are acknowledged. So these are
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the perfectionists. Internally,
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defensiveness sounds like I'm going to
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be blamed. I can't get this wrong, and
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if I admit fault, I'll lose the
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connection, which is ironic because it
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usually drives the disconnection.
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Defensiveness is often the nervous
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system bracing for that rejection. So,
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we know that these behaviors are learned
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and through that AIP, EMDR lens, we
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learned how to respond with
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defensiveness because it's often linked
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to earlier experiences where mistakes
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were punished or criticism was really
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harsh or chronic. Maybe love felt
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conditional or infrequent and then if
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you were there was accountability it led
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to shame and vulnerability was just
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unsafe. And so those experience wire our
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memory networks to say protect yourself
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defend don't take responsibility don't
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admit fault because being wrong
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essentially taught me that it was
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dangerous. So when a current partner
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brings up a concern the past gets
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activated. Remember with trauma the past
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is present. Trauma is a time orientation
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issue. What gets activated is what was
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going on in the past. And then that body
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responds before the adult brain has a
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chance to engage. Defensiveness is often
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an old survival strategy that shows up
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in a new relationship or in a current
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relationship that's of adult self. Now,
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we want to talk about defensiveness
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versus self- advocacy because they are
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different. Self- advocacy sounds like
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calm clarification, a willingness to
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ownership of impact when a behavior is
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brought up to them, and emotional
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presence. It can sound like, you know, I
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hear that you were hurt. Can I share my
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perspective, too? Defensiveness sounds
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like immediate justification, denial of
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impact, blameshifting, escalating, or
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shutting down. And it can sound like,
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well, if you hadn't done that in the
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first place, I wouldn't have done this.
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And so it's the justification of that
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reaction of defensiveness that tends to
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be at the forefront of that behavior.
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Self- advocacy invites understanding.
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Defensiveness shuts it down. So how do
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we repair when defensiveness is part of
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the strategy of really disconnection?
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Because repair begins when protection
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softens into accountability. So if
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you're the one who becomes defensive,
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you want to pause before responding.
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Notice the shame that's underneath the
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reaction. Acknowledge the impact before
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explaining your intent. A lot of times
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people miss that part. they go right
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into the but if I if you would just know
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that I didn't mean for it to be that way
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as opposed to that really wounded me and
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I I need to take first accountability
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for that even if even if it wasn't
