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One of the biggest myths about healthy
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relationships is that good couples don't
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do these things and that is not a
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reality. They do. All happy couples and
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really seemingly healthy couples have
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these patterns, too. The difference is
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how often these horsemen show up and how
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quickly they're recognized, how quickly
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and consistently repair happens. And
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Gottman's research emphasizes that
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repair attempts, not perfection, are
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what protect relationships.
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So again, it's can you circle back and
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say something about what just happened.
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So repair can look like a pause, a
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softening, an apology, accountability,
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sometimes humor. We can throw in humor
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when those things happen because we
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realize there's embarrassment with the
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behavior. We can say, "Can we return to
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this conversation later?" And then a bid
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for reconnection. So it's not the fight
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that predicts the future. What it's what
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happens after that really is important.
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So when we're working on healing these
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horsemen, we're kind of working on
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healing them all together. Healing
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happens in relationships when we shift
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from content to process. We're shifting
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from who's right or who's to blame and
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to what's happening between us, what
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unmet needs are happening and what I
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don't know how to express in a more
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effective way. Across all horsemen,
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healing does require a few things. We
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have to have awareness. We have to name
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the pattern and we have to do this
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without blame, which is tricky when
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we're hurting. It requires regulation in
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our nervous system, helping that nervous
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system to settle down, get back in your
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prefrontal cortex before trying to solve
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the problem. And if you need more skills
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on that, I have an episode on coping
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skills earlier in I think it was season
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two. So check that out if you're like, I
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need some of those at the ready. It
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requires vulnerability which is
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replacing that protection or that armor
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with some honest vulnerable emotional
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expression. And Bnee Brown talks about
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vulnerability is that emotional exposure
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or risk without any guarantee. So this
