0:00
we must be able to drop in underneath
0:02
those those um walls. So, let's talk
0:05
about the attachment styles that breed
0:08
contempt because contempt most often
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shows up in avoidant or dismissive
0:13
attachment. But it can also appear in
0:15
people who feel chronically disappointed
0:17
or trapped. And so, thinking about your
0:20
story, if you're someone who has
0:21
contempt or shows contempt, think about
0:23
your attachment style. So from an
0:25
attachment perspective, contempt can
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develop when needs have gone unmet for a
0:30
long time and repair has repeatedly
0:33
failed. This is where hope for change
0:36
can sometimes erode. Where emotional
0:39
withdrawal feels safer than longing and
0:42
maybe someone has been in that longing
0:44
space for so long and they can't get
0:45
their needs met or be heard or their
0:47
person does not engage in the changes
0:49
that they had hoped for. And this is
0:51
where contempt comes in. It creates
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distance by positioning the self above
0:56
the partner or the person in
0:58
relationship. And it's a way to avoid
0:59
the pain of an unmet attachment need.
1:02
Internally, contempt might sound like,
1:04
"I don't need you. I don't need anyone.
1:07
They'll never change. Why bother? Why
1:10
try? I'm done being disappointed. I'm
1:12
over it." So contempt is often
1:15
attachment grief and it hardens into
1:17
armor. So through that AIP, EMDR lens,
1:21
because you know That's how I'm going to
1:22
look at it. This is all learned.
1:25
Everything we ever do is from a learned
1:27
adaptation. And so that AIP perspective
1:31
brings up contempt that's often rooted
1:34
in memory networks that involves chronic
1:37
invalidation of an emotional experience.
1:39
This is where a parent did nothing to
1:41
validate an emotional experience. They
1:43
didn't bother to make any changes. They
1:46
never listened to you. And there was
1:48
just chronic powerlessness in your
1:50
environment. Being seen or unheard was
1:52
the norm. Having needs was a burden or
1:55
inconvenience. And long-term emotional
1:58
neglect does this. It roots a person in
2:01
I can't count on anybody, so why bother?
2:04
Experiences where vulnerability led to
2:06
repeated injury. So over time, the
2:09
nervous system learns things. It learns
2:11
that softness isn't safe. It'll be
2:13
judged, ridiculed, or criticized. that
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if I care, it just leads to pain. So
2:19
distance is protection. It's how I keep
2:21
myself from being hurt all the time.
2:23
Contempt becomes a way to avoid feeling
2:25
helpless or hurt again. It becomes this
2:27
illusion of dis illusion of not being
2:30
hurt. And the disconnection has its very
2:33
own really roots of despair and
2:36
depression. Contempt is often grief and
2:39
pain that can never that never found
2:41
safety or repair in the first place. And
2:44
so this is ringing a bell for you for
2:47
your childhood. You might want to look
2:48
at this being one of the ways that you
2:50
show up. Now, let's talk about
2:52
frustration versus contempt because all
2:54
relationships will have moments of
2:56
frustration and we don't want to
2:57
mislabel things because they mean very
2:59
different things. Frustration expresses
3:02
anger or disappointment. It allows for
3:05
respect. It allows for the moments of
3:07
we're not on the same page, but we can
3:09
make our way through it. It leaves room
3:11
for repair. It wants change. It hopes
3:14
for change and it believes in change. An
3:16
example is like with frustration is
3:18
being able to say, "I'm really
3:20
frustrated and I'm hurt right now and I
3:22
don't know what to do about it." Whereas
3:24
contempt expresses disgust, superiority,
3:27
arrogance. It attacks the worth of the
3:30
person. It totally shuts down repair and
3:32
it communicates hopelessness. An example
3:35
might be something like, "You're
3:36
pathetic. You're worthless." And
3:39
frustration wants change. Contempt is
