0:00
And so why would they learn that if I
0:02
come to you with my emotional
0:04
experience, you would then hear me, see
0:06
me, validate it. And so that would be
0:09
one adaptation is just to avoid it
0:11
altogether. Perhaps if they did bring
0:13
things up, a conflict would have
0:14
escalated instead of being resolved. So
0:17
this is someone who comes to their
0:18
parent or parents and says you know this
0:20
is an issue and then they would be
0:23
further criticized and maybe even abused
0:26
depending on the nature of this of the
0:28
experience and maybe their needs led to
0:30
more criticism or even further rejection
0:33
and so they would then further shut down
0:35
because the message when a parent treats
0:37
a child like that is what you need or
0:40
want doesn't matter and I'm not here to
0:43
listen and if you bring it up to me it's
0:45
actually going to make it worse. And so
0:46
that's a learning that happens. And so
0:49
another adaptation would be like staying
0:51
quiet helps keep things from getting
0:54
escalated or making things worse. And so
0:56
if I don't even address it, then maybe I
0:59
won't be part of the problem. So the na
1:01
the nervous system learned, right? We're
1:04
adaptive beings. That's what this whole
1:05
show is about is our adaptations. And so
1:08
the adaptation was learned. If I shut
1:11
down, I can stay safe internally.
1:14
Stonewalling often sounds like, "I don't
1:17
have the words. This is too much. I
1:20
don't matter. I'm gonna mess this up.
1:23
I'm gonna make it worse. They won't
1:24
listen. They don't care. They're
1:27
impossible. And if I engage, it will
1:30
just make it worse. It'll just explode."
1:32
And so for many people who have
1:34
stonewalling as part of their
1:37
adaptation, that silence was the only
1:40
thing that meant safety because they
1:41
just don't want to be part of the
1:43
problem. And so when I think about
1:45
treatment as an EMDR therapist, when you
1:48
look at this behavior from an adaptive
1:50
information processing perspective,
1:53
stonewalling is often rooted in those
1:55
earlier experiences where those
1:57
emotional expression would have led to
1:59
danger or shame or helplessness. And you
2:03
know in sitting across from clients for
2:05
nearly 15 years now what I have learned
2:07
that when this happens in behavior and
2:10
relationship these people often grew up
2:12
in homes where there was intense
2:14
conflict where there was a lot of
2:16
absence where they were punished or
2:19
shamed for expressing their feelings. Um
2:22
or caregivers were just totally
2:24
emotionally unavailable. They were
2:26
distracted. They weren't present. They
2:28
weren't available. They weren't attuned.
2:30
And being overwhelmed by others emotions
2:32
without support leads to that. They
2:34
might have learned that disappearing
2:36
kept the peace, staying small, go alone,
2:39
you know, get along and go along. And so
2:42
those experiences form memory networks
2:44
and beliefs that are attached to those
2:46
memory networks that say conflict equals
2:49
danger. Emotions are unsafe. I need to
2:52
shut down to survive. I've got to go it
2:54
alone and handle it on my own. Nobody
2:56
cares and nobody's listening. So when a
2:59
current partner or someone in
3:01
relationship expresses distress, the
3:04
past gets activated and then the body
3:06
reacts before that adult brain can step
3:10
Stonewalling is often an echo of an
3:12
earlier time when there was no safe way
3:14
to stay present or to have needs met
