0:00
All of us get activated when we have to
0:02
deal with someone else's distress. And
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so part of this episode is going to help
0:07
you as a parent or a caregiver better
0:10
deal with little ones when they are in
0:12
overwhelm and in distress. And so we're
0:15
going to help you manage their big
0:16
feelings. Uh if you've ever thought
0:19
about like why is my child melting down
0:22
over the wrong color cup or why do they
0:25
hit when they're mad? you know, these
0:27
little moments of what seems to us as an
0:30
adult as so erratic and we wonder, well,
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you're not alone because today we're
0:34
going to explore why these behaviors
0:36
happen and what they're really telling
0:39
us and of course how to respond in ways
0:41
that will build resilience and
0:43
connection for you and your child's
0:46
relationships. So, let's first talk
0:49
about the neuroscience a little bit and
0:51
why big feelings happen. The truth is
0:54
all behavior is communication and all
0:57
behavior is predicated by emotions. So
1:00
for those of you who don't want to
1:01
understand or discuss emotions, well,
1:04
sorry. We're biologically wired to first
1:07
be emotional beings. And we're feeling
1:09
beings, not thinking beings. Our
1:12
emotions are first. Gabbor Mate reminds
1:15
us that every bad behavior is the result
1:17
of an unmet need. And I so love that
1:19
quote because it then employs us to
1:23
become really good investigators. What
1:25
are we needing to understand? What needs
1:28
are not being met? And we have to be
1:30
curious because kids aren't giving us a
1:32
hard time. They're just having a hard
1:35
time. And so our job is to get curious
1:37
and figure out what is it that they're
1:39
having a hard time about. One of the
1:40
people that I follow on Instagram, her
1:42
name is Jessica Milbour, and she's got a
1:44
a channel called Responsive Parenting,
1:46
and I really like a lot of what she
1:48
says. And she says, "Behavior is the
1:50
language of the nervous system." So our
1:52
nervous system is communicating whatever
1:55
it is that we're feeling. And ultimately
1:57
then how we act. And so when kids act
1:59
out, they're saying, "I'm overwhelmed."
2:01
And without knowing how to ask for help,
2:04
that's really what we're saying is, "I
2:05
need help." And this is how I'm
2:07
communicating that. Dr. Dr. Dan Seagull
2:09
explains in the whole brain child that
2:12
young children's upstairs brain, that's
2:15
the part that manages logic and
2:17
self-control, it's it's still under
2:19
construction. Keep in mind, when we're
2:21
born, only 25% of our brain is
2:23
developed. And so, it's small so that it
2:25
can fit through the our head is small so
2:27
it can fit through the birth canal. And
2:29
in those very early years, our brain is
2:31
literally still being built. And so when
2:34
big feelings hit that downstairs brain
2:36
which is like emotion and survival uh
2:39
takes over and that's why reasoning in
2:41
the middle of a tantrum or when our
2:43
child or uh children are overwhelmed or
2:46
in distress is ineffective. And so we
2:48
really as the as the adult need to
2:50
recognize we we don't have an audience
2:53
at all when someone is in distress. So
2:55
for example if if the toddler throws a
2:57
toy across the room it's not defiance
2:59
it's really just system dysregulation.
3:02
their nervous system is totally flooded
3:05
and really they need your calm to find
3:07
theirs. They need you to help them
3:09
co-regulate. And so if we come in hot
3:12
with all of our aggression because we're
3:14
frustrated, well then they match pitch
3:16
and they end up being part uh in that
3:19
dynamic with you. And so what we want to
3:22
look at is that connection should happen
3:25
before correction. Another really
3:28
awesome figure in the public space about
3:30
parenting is Dr. Becky Kennedy and she's
3:33
the author of Good Inside and I just
3:34
love really everything she has to say
3:36
with parenting. So, she's an excellent
