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Hey, thanks for tuning in today. Are you
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someone who's defensive and can't take
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feedback or do you know someone who is?
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If so, this show is for you because
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today we're going to continue our
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breakdown of the four horsemen of the
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apocalypse. And this was all based on
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John Gottman's research. And this one's
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about defensiveness. Now, if you haven't
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seen the other episodes, please take a
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look at those. About 12 months ago, I
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did a an overview and then we're
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dropping each one of the concepts of the
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four horsemen separately so you can
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better understand why they arrive and
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how to help heal them. So, defensiveness
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is one of those patterns that feels
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almost automatic. It's certainly limbic.
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It shows up fast without intention,
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usually in moments where someone already
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feels blamed, misunderstood, or exposed.
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And it sounds like justification. It
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feels like self-p protection. and over
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time it quietly blocks connection. So
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today we're going to talk about what
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defensiveness actually is according to
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the Gottman research, how it shows up in
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relationships, how it impacts connection
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over time, and the attachment styles
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that are most often associated with
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defensiveness, and then what early
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experiences wire someone towards
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defensive responses, how to tell the
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difference between self- advocacy and
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defensiveness, and then of course when
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it shows up, how do we fix it? How do we
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heal? How do we repair? So, we're gonna
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start start with getting that base
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understanding according to Gman's
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research about defensiveness. And so,
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this is important to, you know, get that
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baseline. So, defensiveness in general
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is a response to a perceived criticism.
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That word perceived is important because
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it's not necessarily the intention of
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the person who was talking. But if it's
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perceived as criticism, then we're going
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to get defensive. It's an attempt to
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protect oursel by denying
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responsibility, making excuses,
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minimizing impact, or shifting the
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blame. Defensiveness often sounds like,
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"That's not what happened. You're
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overreacting. I didn't mean it. You
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misunderstood. I wouldn't have done that
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if you hadn't." Dot dot dot. I guess I'm
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just the worst. That's that martyr
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response. And so, um, defensiveness
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communicates I'm not the problem. And
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it's important to understand that
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defensiveness isn't a personality flaw.
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It's a protective response to feeling
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under threat. Again, perception of
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threat. Defensiveness isn't about
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avoiding responsibility. It's about
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avoiding shame. And most people don't
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understand that. One thing I really want
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to normalize here is defensiveness is
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extremely common. I would say this and
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criticism are probably the most common
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according to Gottman's research. And
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it's often in response to conflict,
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especially when a partner or person in
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relationship is feeling criticized or
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blamed. Most couples show defensiveness,
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at least sometimes, and occasionally
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defensiveness by itself doesn't predict
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relationship failure. This is a pretty
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common one. What matters is frequency,
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rigidity, the ability to unpack it, the
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ability to say, "Sorry, I know that I'm
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quick." Defensiveness becomes damaging
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when it shows up in most conflict
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conversations. It blocks accountability.
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It prevents repair. And it becomes a
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default response instead of curiosity.
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And this is hard because it is a
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hardwired protective mechanism. In other
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words, if we slip into defensiveness
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from time to time, it's normal. It's
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human. But living there is what creates
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the distance. And so check in with
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yourself. Are you someone that's
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regularly defensive? Do you seem to have
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that predisposition when someone has
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feedback for you? Defensive isn't a red
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flag because it happens. It's a red flag
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when it never softens. And so just think
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about it if you or someone you have a
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relationship with has this pattern.
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Defensiveness erodess relationships
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because it stops the person in
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relationship from feeling
