0:00
Even when those behaviors do the
0:02
opposite, they're a little
0:03
self-sabotaging. So, with criticism, it
0:06
says, "Please notice me." Defensiveness
0:08
says, "Please don't reject me."
0:10
Stonewalling says, "Please stop. I can't
0:12
handle this." And contempt says, "Please
0:14
don't hurt me again." From that AIP or
0:17
EMDR lens, these patterns are driven by
0:20
early memory or networks. These were
0:22
survival strategies that were needed as
0:24
a child when behaviors that happened in
0:27
the home created predictable patterns
0:30
and then protection was needed. We have
0:33
the the home where our needs were not
0:35
met. Our emotions weren't safe, conflict
0:39
felt dangerous, repair just didn't
0:42
happen. And so the current conflict
0:44
activates those old information memory
0:47
networks and then the body reacts rather
0:49
than responds. And it's one million
0:52
times faster than the brain can even
0:54
intervene because it doesn't have
0:55
prefrontal cortex involvement. Those
0:58
horsemen are often old survival
1:00
strategies. They're trying to solve a
1:01
present- day problem with old skills.
1:04
We're not using the right tools because
1:06
we didn't necessarily have them and we
1:09
certainly don't have experience in
1:11
practicing them. And so now we need to
1:14
talk about why frequency and repair
1:16
matter more than the elimination of
1:17
these things. Please don't beat yourself
1:19
up if you've made improvements and you
1:21
still fall into some of these patterns
1:23
because that self-shame and that
1:25
self-interjective shame does not help
1:27
the situation. So, one of the biggest
1:29
myths about healthy relationships is
1:31
that good couples don't do these things
1:33
and that is not a reality. They do. All
1:36
happy couples and really seemingly
1:38
healthy couples have these patterns too.
1:41
The difference is how often these
1:43
horsemen show up and how quickly they're
1:46
recognized, how quickly and consistently
1:48
repair happens. And Gottman's research
1:50
emphasizes that repair attempts, not
1:52
perfection, are what protect
1:55
So again, it's can you circle back and
1:57
say something about what just happened.
1:59
So repair can look like a pause, a
2:02
softening, an apology, accountability,
2:05
sometimes humor. We can throw in humor
2:07
when those things happen because we
2:09
realize there's embarrassment with the
2:11
behavior. We can say, "Can we return to
2:14
this conversation later?" And then a bid
2:16
for reconnection. So, it's not the fight
2:19
that predicts the future. What it's what
2:21
happens after that really is important.
2:24
So, when we're working on healing these
2:26
horsemen, we're kind of working on
2:28
healing them all together. Healing
2:30
happens in relationships when we shift
2:33
from content to processing. We're
2:36
shifting from who's right or who's to
2:39
blame and to what's happening between
2:42
us. What unmet needs are happening and
2:44
what I don't know how to express in a
2:46
more effective way. Across all horsemen,
2:49
healing does require a few things. We
2:51
have to have awareness. We have to name
2:54
the pattern. And we have to do this
2:55
without blame, which is tricky when
2:57
we're hurting. It requires regulation in
2:59
our nervous system, helping that nervous
3:01
system to settle down, get back in your
3:04
prefrontal cortex before trying to solve
3:06
the problem. And if you need more skills
3:08
on that, I have an episode on coping
3:10
skills earlier in I think it was season
3:12
two. So check that out if you're like, I
3:14
need some of those at the ready. It
3:16
requires vulnerability, which is
3:18
replacing that protection or that armor
3:20
with some honest, vulnerable emotional
3:23
expression. And Bnee Brown talks about
3:25
vulnerability is that emotional exposure
3:28
or risk without any guarantee. So this
3:29
is scary. It also requires like some
3:32
structure or agreements and
3:34
accountabilities around the breaks,
3:36
repair and what re-engagement needs to
3:38
look like. So we need to understand that
3:39
we have this pattern and process and
3:41
that we need to make some changes so
3:43
that they don't continue to happen.
3:45
Consistent repair, returning again and
3:47
again, even when it's uncomfortable, is
3:49
how we break this pattern and we create
