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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode explores the shift from destructive patterns to secure connection, unpacking the cycles that keep us stuck, what they’re actually protecting, and how we begin to move toward something more grounded, intentional, and connected, because it’s not about never struggling, it’s about understanding what’s underneath it and learning how to respond differently.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is adaptable behavior explained.
0:12
>> Hi everybody, thanks for tuning in.
0:13
Today we are going to talk about the
0:16
healing of the four horsemen of the
0:17
apocalypse collectively. Today this is
0:20
the last of the series of all of the
0:23
episodes in the four horsemen of the
0:24
apocalypse. As you may know, we broke
0:27
down the four different concepts from
0:30
criticism, defensiveness, and
0:32
stonewalling, and contempt. And these
0:35
are all from the research from John
0:36
Gottman. And I think these are all very
0:39
important concepts to understand in
0:41
relationships, rupture, and then also
0:43
how do we repair? And so, we've slowed
0:46
down to look at each one of those
0:48
through the lens of attachment, trauma,
0:50
and as a nervous system response. And
0:53
today we're going to zoom back out and
0:55
talk about how healing actually happens
0:57
when these patterns show up together
0:59
because they almost always do. So the
1:01
four horsemen don't exist in isolation.
1:04
They show up in cycles. They reinforce
1:07
one another and they tell a story not of
1:09
failure but of a nervous system doing
1:11
their best to survive disconnection. So
1:15
the four horsemen work together in
1:17
pretty predictable patterns. And we're
1:19
going to talk about why frequency
1:21
matters more than perfection because we
1:23
all are going to fall into some of these
1:24
patterns. How attachment and trauma keep
1:27
these cycles alive. And what repair
1:29
really looks like not just once but time
1:32
and time again. And how couples or
1:34
people in relationships can move from
1:36
that protection and disconnection to
1:38
repair and connection. So this episode's
1:41
about hope. It's about grounded realism
1:44
and really level setting your
1:46
expectations around uh conflict is part
1:49
of all relationships and these habits
1:51
and patterns are part of our negative
1:54
interaction cycles. So one of the most
1:57
important things to understand about the
1:59
four horsemen is they are not character
2:02
flaws. They are patterns of protection.
2:05
Criticism is a protest for unmet needs.
2:08
Defensiveness is protection against
2:10
shame. Stonewalling is a response to
2:12
overwhelm and contempt is pain that's
2:15
hardened into armor. Each one of these
2:18
makes sense when you understand the
2:19
nervous system underneath it. The
2:21
Gottmans are pretty clear that every
2:23
couple or partnership uses these
2:25
patterns sometimes. But what predicts
2:27
relationship breakdown isn't their
2:29
presence. It's their frequency,
2:31
rigidity, and lack of repair. The
2:34
horsemen don't mean your relationship is
2:36
broken. They mean your system or your
2:38
nervous system is under strain. And so
2:40
let's talk a little bit about th how
2:42
those horsemen work together in cycles.
2:44
The four horsemen tend to show up in
2:46
predictable sequences. A common cycle
2:49
looks like this. So we've got one
2:52
partner that feels disconnected and then
2:54
uses criticism to be heard. The other
2:56
partner feels attacked and then responds
2:59
with defensiveness. The interaction
3:01
escalates until someone becomes
3:03
overwhelmed and then stonewalls. And
3:05
over time, unresolved pain hardens into
3:08
contempt. So you can see the pattern of
3:10
the interaction and that cycle repeats
3:12
especially if we don't know how to get
3:14
out of it and we don't know that it's
3:16
happening. We don't know why it's
3:17
happening. So one partner might say you
3:20
never listen and then the other says
3:22
that's not true. You're exaggerating.
3:24
You are so hyperolic hyperbolic and then
3:27
the conversation shuts down and then
3:29
resentment grows and then the sarcasm
3:31
begins and the eye rolling creeps in.
3:34
Each partner feels totally justified in
3:37
their reaction. Each nervous system
3:39
feels threatened and each response makes
3:42
the next one more likely. So the
3:44
horsemen feed on each other, but so does
3:47
healing. And it's okay to be the first
3:49
one to take the leap towards repair. So
3:52
when we look at this from an attachment
3:53
and trauma perspective, that's what
3:55
keeps the four horsemen alive.
3:58
From the attachment perspective, those
4:00
horsemen are strategies to preserve
4:02
connection. When we're in conflict or
4:05
rupture, we're in disconnection. And
4:07
even when those behaviors do the
4:09
opposite, they're a little
4:10
self-sabotaging.
4:11
So with criticism, it says, "Please
4:13
notice me." Defensiveness says, "Please
4:16
don't reject me." Stonewalling says,
4:18
"Please stop. I can't handle this." And
4:20
contempt says, "Please don't hurt me
4:22
again." From that AIP or EMDR lens,
4:25
these patterns are driven by early
4:27
memory or networks. These were survival
4:29
strategies that were needed as a child
4:32
when behaviors that happened in the home
4:35
created predictable patterns and then
4:37
protection was needed. We have the the
4:40
home where our needs were not met. Our
4:44
emotions weren't safe, conflict felt
4:46
dangerous, repair just didn't happen.
4:49
And so the current conflict activates
4:52
those old information memory networks
4:55
and then the body reacts rather than
4:57
responds. And it's one million times
4:59
faster than the brain can even intervene
5:01
because it doesn't have prefrontal
5:03
cortex involvement. Those horsemen are
5:05
often old survival strategies. They're
5:08
trying to solve a present- day problem
5:09
with old skills. We're not using the
5:12
right tools because we didn't
5:14
necessarily have them and we certainly
5:16
don't have experience in practicing
5:18
them. And so now we need to talk about
5:21
why frequency and repair matter more
5:23
than the elimination of these things.
5:25
Please don't beat yourself up if you've
5:27
made improvements and you still fall
5:29
into some of these patterns because that
5:31
self-shame and that self-interjective
5:33
shame does not help the situation. So,
5:36
one of the biggest myths about healthy
5:38
relationships is that good couples don't
5:39
do these things and that is not a
5:41
reality. They do. All happy couples and
5:44
really seemingly healthy couples have
5:47
these patterns too. The difference is
5:49
how often these horsemen show up and how
5:52
quickly they're recognized, how quickly
5:54
and consistently repair happens. And
5:56
Gottman's research emphasizes that
5:58
repair attempts, not perfection, are
6:00
what protect relationships. So again,
6:03
it's can you circle back and say
6:04
something about what just happened. So
6:07
repair can look like a pause, a
6:09
softening, an apology, accountability,
6:12
sometimes humor. We can throw in humor
6:14
when those things happen because we
6:16
realize there's embarrassment with the
6:18
behavior. We can say, "Can we return to
6:21
this conversation later?" And then a bid
6:23
for reconnection. So, it's not the fight
6:26
that predicts the future. What it's what
6:28
happens after that really is important.
6:31
So, when we're working on healing these
6:33
horsemen, we're kind of working on
6:35
healing them all together. Healing
6:37
happens in relationships when we shift
6:40
from content to processing. We're
6:43
shifting from who's right or who's to
6:46
blame and to what's happening between
6:49
us. What unmet needs are happening and
6:51
what I don't know how to express in a
6:53
more effective way. Across all horsemen,
6:56
healing does require a few things. We
6:58
have to have awareness. We have to name
7:00
the pattern and we have to do this
7:02
without blame, which is tricky when
7:04
we're hurting. It requires regulation in
7:06
our nervous system, helping that nervous
7:08
system to settle down, get back in your
7:11
prefrontal cortex before trying to solve
7:13
the problem. And if you need more skills
7:15
on that, I have an episode on coping
7:17
skills earlier in I think it was season
7:19
two. So check that out if you're like, I
7:21
need some of those at the ready. It
7:23
requires vulnerability, which is
7:25
replacing that protection or that armor
7:27
with some honest, vulnerable emotional
7:30
expression. And Bnee Brown talks about
7:32
vulnerability is that emotional exposure
7:35
or risk without any guarantee. So this
7:36
is scary. It also requires like some
7:39
structure or agreements and
7:41
accountabilities around the breaks,
7:43
repair and what re-engagement needs to
7:45
look like. So we need to understand that
7:46
we have this pattern and process and
7:48
that we need to make some changes so
7:50
that they don't continue to happen.
7:52
Consistent repair, returning again and
7:54
again even when it's uncomfortable is
7:56
how we break this pattern and we create
7:59
new memory. So, when you're working on
8:01
healing these four horsemen, it's
8:03
helpful to have some shared language.
8:05
Things like, "Hey, we're in the cycle.
8:07
We've fallen into this pattern." Uh,
8:09
this, "Hey, this is one of the four
8:10
horsemen. Let's hold back. Let's pause.
8:13
Let's take a beat. Let's come back in a
8:15
minute. I want connection. I don't want
8:17
winning. And this strategy is not going
8:19
to create that connection. It's going to
8:21
create disconnection." Healing isn't
8:23
about avoiding the horsemen. It's about
8:26
meeting them with better skill, with a
8:28
little bit more patience, with a little
8:29
bit more timeliness, and certainly
8:32
practice and repair and circling back.
8:34
So, we can earn secure connection and
8:37
secure attachment. And let me tell you
8:39
what that looks like. I know this is
8:40
something that my husband and I have
8:42
hard fought for. Doesn't mean we don't
8:44
fight. Doesn't mean we don't fall into
8:45
some of these patterns. We certainly do.
8:48
But we know how to go back and take
8:49
accountability for them now. And as
8:52
couples heal these patterns, you'll
8:53
often less intensity during conflict.
8:56
You'll see faster repair. You'll see
8:59
more curiosity. You'll see even when
9:01
they take uh one of these horsemen and
9:03
they drop into one of them, they'll
9:05
pause themselves and fix it faster.
9:08
There tends to be more emotional safety
9:10
because we can count on that pattern
9:11
changing because we see change and it's
9:13
less hopeless. There's greater tolerance
9:16
for the differences and there's a sense
9:18
of being more on the same team and just
9:20
having a moment of disconnection related
9:22
to a specific content or topic rather
9:25
than the relationship itself. Secure
9:28
attachment and secure connection isn't
9:30
the absence of conflict. It's the
9:32
presence of trust that the repair will
9:34
happen again. And that's something that
9:36
takes practice to build because security
9:39
is built through the repeated
9:41
experiences of rupture and repair, of
9:44
conflict and resolution. And all good
9:47
relationships have a lot of practice of
9:49
those things because we all bring our
9:50
own histories to our relationships, our
9:52
pains, our wounds, our patterns, our
9:54
habits, and our and our trauma. And so
9:58
the four horsemen are not the end of the
10:00
story. They're the beginning of
10:01
understanding what your relationships
10:04
need. When we stop moralizing these
10:06
patterns and start understanding them,
10:08
we create more space for, you know, the
10:11
the keys to successful relationships
10:13
where which are compassion and
10:15
accountability and ultimately change
10:17
because that's how we grow together.
10:19
Healing those horsemen together means
10:21
choosing curiosity over blame, choosing
10:24
connection over protection, and choosing
10:28
repair over avoidance. Remember that
10:31
relationships don't thrive because
10:33
people never struggle. They thrive
10:35
because people and partners learn how to
10:37
come back to each other and repair when
10:40
that happens. So, I really hope this
10:43
series has been helpful for you. If it
10:45
has, please share it with somebody that
10:47
could benefit. It's why I did the show.
10:49
I want good information to be reachable
10:52
to all people. Make sure that you
10:54
subscribe if you find this content
10:56
helpful and you want to make sure you
10:57
don't miss an episode. And if you want
11:00
more information on trauma-informed
11:02
conversations, check out some of the
11:03
other shows, make sure to follow me on
11:05
my social media, Kelly O'Horo, or visit
11:08
my website. I do see all of my comments,
11:10
so I'm happy to respond to those as
11:12
well. Thank you so much for listening to
11:15
our show. We hope that you found it
11:17
beneficial. And until next time, don't
11:19
forget to lead with love. It'll never
11:21
steer you wrong.