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Hi everyone. I'm Kelly O'Horo.
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And this is Adaptable Behavior
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Explained. Hi everyone, welcome back to
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Adaptable. This is the show where we
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talk about real-life skills that help
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relationships not just survive, but
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actually grow stronger over time. And
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I'm so glad that you're here. If you're
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engaged and you're thinking about
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getting engaged or even just seriously
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considering marriage, then this episode
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I don't know about you, but I don't know
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lots of married couples that seem like
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they're doing it well. So, hopefully you
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get to kick this off in a better way.
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So, here's something most couples don't
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hear enough before their wedding day.
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Love doesn't fail marriages, unspoken
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expectations are why marriages fail.
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Most couples walk down the aisle deeply
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in love and wildly unclear about the
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things that will actually shape their
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day-to-day life together. So, today
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we're going to slow that down so that
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you can proactively address these things
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that really are important in all
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In this episode, we're going to talk
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about the most important areas couple
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need clarity on before marriage, how
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John Gottman's research shows up in our
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lives and shows us what actually
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predicts long-term relationship success,
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and why constructive tension before
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marriage is not a red flag, but it's a
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gift because we're going to have tension
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and we're going to have conflict in our
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We're going to talk about real examples
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of what young couples commonly struggle
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with and then practical ways to start
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having these conversations now before
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the stress, resentment, or distance
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creep into your relationship. This isn't
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about perfection, it's about building a
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solid foundation before the weight of
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life and life's pressures and
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ultimately make everything much heavier,
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which happens because let's face it,
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life will life at us.
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So, let's dig in a little bit to some
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important concepts related to successful
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Friendship before forever is really
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important. The foundation of what we
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build our marriage relationship on
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Gottman's research consistently shows
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that strong marriages are built on deep
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friendships, not just chemistry or
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shared goals. It's not just about how
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hot we are for one another, but it's
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really about when all that settles down,
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being able to look across at the person
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that you are with and know they are your
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person. So, that means knowing how your
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partner experiences stress,
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uh what makes them feel appreciated,
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cared for, and loved, how they tend to
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shut down or get defensive, and what
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helps them to feel safe during conflict
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because we will have conflict. There is
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no good relationship without it. Common
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struggle for young couples is something,
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like I hear this a a lot, is I thought
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love meant that we would just get each
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other and things would be fine and our
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love would be enough to sustain us
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through the hard times. And I've never
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seen a marriage where that was a true
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But understanding doesn't come from
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time, it comes from curiosity,
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intention, and some effort. So, we want
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to practice asking now questions like,
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"What feels hardest for you when we
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disagree?" And this episode would be a
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great episode to have with your partner
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and push pause and dig in and then ask
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the next questions. So, hopefully this
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will help you. So, what it feels hardest
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for you when we disagree? Is it that I
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get angry, that I feel like
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misunderstood, that you don't listen,
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that I feel unheard? Another question,
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"What helps you calm down when you're
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overwhelmed?" This is important for us
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to know. And a lot of times people are
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really unaware. They don't realize they
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are overwhelmed in the first place and
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they certainly don't know what things
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they can employ to help with that when
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it happens. We want to ask our partners
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what did conflict look like in your
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family when you were growing up? And
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what parts of it did you like and what
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parts do you not want to adopt in our
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family? Because these are really
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important candid conversations to have
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Conflict is inevitable, but how you
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fight matters. One of the biggest myths
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that couples believe is that if we argue
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now, maybe we're not ready.
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And the truth is is that every healthy
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couple has to rumble before they end up
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being able to regulate and be in
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connection. Gottman's work highlights
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that it's not whether couples fight, but
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it's how they fight, how they repair
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after rupture. That's the indicator that
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matters the most. So, let's talk about
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some common struggles in relationships.
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Uh one partner during conflict wants to
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talk now and the other needs space.
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Then there's an escalation that happens
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and it turns into criticism or
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defensiveness or judgement. And then
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when one shuts down, the other pushes
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harder. Now, I want you to think about
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it. Where what role do you play in your
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relationship? What do you do when
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conflict arises? So, you're going to
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practice learning each other's conflict
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style. Normalize taking breaks and
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coming back. For those of you who have
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an avoidant attachment style, the breaks
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can feel like you're going to take it
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forever or indefinitely. Whereas someone
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with an anxious attachment style can't
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tolerate the break. So, we have to
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understand that about one another as
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But we want to practice repair phrases
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like I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we
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pause or can we take a beat? Or that
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came out harsher than I meant.
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Can you forgive me and let me try again?
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I want to understand not win. So, if if
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someone needs to win in a conflict,
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basically everybody loses. And so,
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that's something to think about. Is that
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your strategy or style?
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If you can't repair yet, that's not
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failure. It's just information. Because
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we have to get to a point where we
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understand how to repair so that we can
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move forward in our relationships. So,
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now we're going to talk a little bit
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about money, roles, and expectations
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because this stuff matters and this is
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where a lot of couples end in
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hot water. They really end up in some
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Because love doesn't magically align our
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spending habits or our saving goals or
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how comfortable we are with debt or what
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we pay cash for or what we're willing to
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take some credit for. It doesn't also
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align with the division of labor. Some
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people are they grow up in really
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traditional gender stereotypical roles.
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Some people don't want to adopt those.
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And so, we have to talk about those
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things. And then we want to really get
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clear about expectations around work,
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rest, parenting roles, parenting values.
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And this is an area that a lot of times
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people don't talk about when they're
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together in their dating years. Common
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issues that come up or struggles that I
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see a lot of young couples deal with are
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things like disappointment and lack of
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expectations being met. Like saying
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things to me in session like I didn't
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know they expected me to handle that or
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isn't that the guy's job or isn't that
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the woman's job? Or I thought once we
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were married, this is my favorite, that
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you would change. And that is just never
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a gamble you want to take. The other
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thing that I'll often hear is, "Well, my
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family just did it differently." And if
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those things were not discussed, then
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how would they know? Or how would they
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know that that was an expectation that
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you had? So, take a moment now and or
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pause and and come back to this section
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in the show. But we want you to have
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explicit conversations about some of
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these things. How money was handled
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growing up, what fair feels like to each
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of you, and what feels non-negotiable
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versus flexible. Because the clarity
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that you can iron out before we end up
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in these contentious moments can really
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prevent resentment in the long run. And
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that's really how we want to stay in
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healthy, connected, symbiotic
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relationships. Now we're going to dig a
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little bit into emotional safety and
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repair because these are
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non-negotiables. Like I said before,
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conflict is part of every single
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relationship, even the really good ones.
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And one of the strongest predictors of
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relationship health is whether partners
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feel emotionally safe, especially after
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a rupture. So, some common struggles are
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avoiding hard conversations to keep the
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peace. You know who you are if you're
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one of those people that were a
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peacemaker. If you're an Enneagram nine,
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you really, really know what I'm talking
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about. Another issue is letting
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resentment quietly build and not do
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anything about addressing the issues.
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And not knowing how to come back
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together after a hurt moment happened.
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So, we want to start now before we get
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married normalizing repair as a skill
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and recognizing that this is something
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that all couples need to learn. And you
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want to ask, what helps you feel
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reconnected after a conflict or or a a
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dis- disagreement? And we want to
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remember that repair doesn't mean
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agreement, it means I care that you have
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a perspective and even if I don't share
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that perspective, I want to make sure
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you know that you matter more than the
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thing that we agree or disagree on. So,
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let's talk a little bit about why doing
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this and having these exercises before
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marriage matters because marriage does
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not create new problems, it just
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amplifies existing patterns in the
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relationship as they already are. And if
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you wait until after the wedding to
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address these things, like learning how
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to fight well or talking about
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expectations or understanding emotional
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needs, the pressure's higher, the stakes
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feel heavier, and the patterns are
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harder to shift. Remember, the longer we
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engage in different patterns of
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relationship and in reactivity, the more
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difficult it is to change those pathways
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after time. And so, we want to try to
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proactively address these things. So,
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doing this work now, it gives your
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marriage the chance to develop language
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that is cohesive and understandable for
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both partners. It helps you establish
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safety. It helps to increase flexibility
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when there is a problem, and a shared
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understanding that growth is part of
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love, and that we can develop a securely
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attached relationship if we're willing
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to work proactively towards these
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things, and we can avoid some of the
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pitfalls of marriages that fail in the
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So, if you're having hard conversations
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right now, let me tell you, you're not
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behind. This is great. This is
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proactive. You're not broken. You're
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learning how to build a foundation
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before you establish habits that are
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toxic or not healthy.
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Healthy couples don't avoid tension.
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They learn how to move through tension
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So, I hope that you found this helpful.
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We've got several other episodes coming
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up related to preparation for marriage
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that I hope help you on all the specific
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topics that we're going to need to dig
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into a little bit more uh deeply. So,
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this episode resonated for you, make
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sure that you subscribe so you don't
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miss future conversations, and like or
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share this with someone you know who may
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be looking at tying the knot with their
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And thank you so much for tuning in, and
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if this conversation feels hard to
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start, we want to make sure that we do
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our best to lean into the discomfort
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because that's the only place that
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So, thanks again, and until next time,
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don't forget to lead with love. It'll
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never steer you wrong.
