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If you want to start over in your relationship and get it feeling like new again
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then you've got to put in some effort. Just letting things slide guarantees that it'll end up in the trash with last night's TV dinner
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If you still love and respect each other, then there's plenty worth saving. As long as you realise that you both may need to move out of your probably not at this point
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so comfortable zone and into new territory. The first thing you should do is take some time apart
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No wait, I don't mean take a break, as in you're allowed to pass to see if you want to be single again
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Hell no. This is about calming down. giving your emotions the breathing space they deserve, and just spending a bit of time away from each other to gather your thoughts
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If each one of you can take some time, think about your relationship goals and figure out the stuff that's been passing you off
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then maybe you can see a clearer path to how you can change things for the better. Hopefully, after a few days or a week of being incommunicado with each other, then you'll be missing each other like crazy and ready to move on to the next step
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which is discussing the way you each feel. I'm not going to lie, but this is definitely one of the hardest
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discussing your feelings, your frustrations and your hurt without turning it into an argument
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where you both lay blame at each other's feet is tough but it's got to be done
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So how can you do that? For starters, try to use I statements as much as possible
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Talk about how you feel about what you think rather than what they do and how they make you feel
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For example, I feel disrespected by the lack of consideration when you stay out late after work
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without asking if that's okay with me. This sounds a whole lot better than you are so disrespectful when you go out drinking
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with your work friends without even bothering to ask whether if I'm okay with that. Using I statements will make your partner less defensive and more accepting of the points you
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are making. Secondly, to help each of you see each other's perspective, try to pretend like you're having
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this conversation with a friend. So your friend is talking about their partner, not about you
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Maybe this will help you see things more clearly and then you can think about what advice you might give to this friend
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Don't forget, this isn't the vagina monologue. Take it in turns to speak and don't interrupt each other
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Better yet, write your points down on a piece of paper and then hand them to each other
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at the end. This will let you both give more consideration to what the other has said, and maybe after
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this chat you could spend another couple of days apart to process it all. Once you both had your say you need to find a way to communicate from now on Just because you both said your piece doesn mean that it done and dusted forever You should both be able to talk to each other if something pissing you off So you need to work out the best way to communicate
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Maybe you could write each other a letter or schedule a set time each week where you let your partner know how you've been feeling
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and if there was a time in the past week that they did something to wind you up
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If this approach isn't working for you or you feel it's just too much for the two of you to face alone
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then you should seriously consider investing in couples cancelling. Having a trained expert guide you towards the solutions for a given issue can really help to clarify things and help you to start over in your relationship
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I'll put a link in the description below where you can contact an online relationship expert at Relationship Hero to guide you through the process of getting your relationship back on solid ground
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So if you managed to get through the hard part of airing all your beef with each other then you have to mentally commit to letting the past live in the past
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Whatever shit went down before this point has to be left in the past
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You can't keep on bringing up the time that they said this or that they can't
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did that because you've taught all this stuff out now. I know, I know, it's not easy to forgive
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and forget. You may still be possessing some of those emotions, but if you can resist the
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urge to keep going over and over these things, then you can stop adding fuel to the fire and
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concentrate on how you act and how you treat each other from now on. This way, you can both
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start over with clean slates, knowing that you won't be judged or punished for something
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you did before. That can also mean try not to repeat past mistakes. So now, let's start working
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what matters most to your partner. By now, you should know what issues that your partner has
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with you and the things they would like to change. Assuming they're not unreasonable requests
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try focusing and working on these first. If you can get the big stuff right, all the little
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niggly things like leaving the milk cart and next to the recycling bin rather than actually
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in it, maybe it won't affect you both so much. All right, I know you're thinking that they should
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accept you as you are, but bear with me on this one. There is a positive change and there is a
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negative change. Positive change tends to be good for both of you. Negative change tends to only
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be good for them. For example, becoming more open-minded and willing to listen to views that oppose
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your own is a positive change. However, cutting a particular friend out of your life because your
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partner doesn't like them much anymore is a negative change unless that friend is actually a bad
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influence on you and you can see that as well. That doesn't mean that you need to agree on everything
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Quite often, it's not possible for you to both get your own way. This is where you have to learn
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how to compromise Know when to let your partner have their way or to meet in the middle and when to stand firm for what you want is a great skill to learn The key is deciding how much something really matters to you all while maintaining some sort of balance
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In other words, even if you are happy to let them have their own way on lots of little things
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it might be worth holding firm at least a small proportion of that time. If you always cave into their wishes on the little things, they won't feel like they need to budge when it comes to the things that you actually care about
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This will start to build resentment again, which is something nice. either of you want. This isn't about playing games. This is about not feeling like you've just
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been steamrolled into giving into all their demands. It's vital that you find some kind of
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middle ground so you can both feel at least a little bit satisfied with what you've achieved
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Another positive change you can make is not to think or talk shit about your partner. Speak and
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think well of your partner. Your thoughts has much influence on your feelings as your feelings
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have on your thoughts. So when you think badly about your partner or when you're marming off
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to your friends about them, you give power to your negative feelings. Luckily, this works the
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way round too. To encourage more positive feelings towards your partner, focus on their good
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points. That sounds too simple, right? But you can actually change your mindset just by singing
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their praises to other people and this will turn all the negativity into positivity. So if you
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could shift your perspective just by talking better things about your partner, then what
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if you could change your actions towards them too? Giving your partner attention like greeting them
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when they come home or taking time out from what you're doing to check up on them and asking
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if they're okay reinforces the bond that you share. Again, it seems seems to see. simple because it is, but this shows your partner that you value and care about them
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Physical touch is also incredibly important. I'm not talking about sex. I mean, being more
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touchy-feely with each other, like hugging and kissing. These displays of affection
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show them that you don't just see them as someone you're living with, but as someone you're in a
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meaningful and important relationship with. They communicate your thoughts and feelings just
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as clearly and as powerfully as any words, and it can work wonders for easing any tensions that
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might exist between the two of you. And while I'm on the subject of showing affection
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you should both make time to go on actual dates. When you first met each other and fell in love, you almost certainly went on dates, right
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And even when they stopped being dates, you probably did lots of activities together
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As time has gone on, these things may have become few and far between. It can be easy to get distracted with your own hobbies seeing your own friends or doing work or chores but date nights are a really helpful part of maintaining in this case giving new life to your relationship Try and go on as many as you can and while they there be certain to talk about creating
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some shared goals and dreams together. This can be a big source of motivation for you both and
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it can make your journey together feel more real. You're no longer just two people walking
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next to each other. You are forging your own joint path just for the two of you. It can be a very
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intimate thing because no one else needs to be involved. It is your dream and you can be a source of
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support and advice for each other. Shared goals and dreams also help you identify where you would both
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like the relationship to go in the future. Like if you want a family, where you'd like to live
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what sort of life do you want to lead? When you have something you can both agree on and work
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towards, you start acting more as a team and less as two individuals. That doesn't mean that you
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don't need to give up on your dreams or ambitions. On the contrary, you both need to invest in each other's
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share with your partners what you want to achieve and find out what their dreams are
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Actively try and help them achieve their dreams and become their best advocate
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When either of you is engaged in pursuing your dreams, it is typically a very positive part of your life
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You feel enthusiastic about whatever it is you are working towards. So by allowing each other to share in those pursuits, even if it's only a provider or support or advice
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you share in the positive emotions that you go with them. You don't have to have the same dreams
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You just have to be active participants in propelling each other to be. in propelling each other towards them
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By following this formula, you can take your relationship from trash to treasure
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It can take a while to get there, but if you truly feel like this relationship is worth fighting for
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then it will be time well spent. Hopefully, it will mean that the two of you will truly begin to value each other
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and give your relationship the time and respect it deserves. Please, if you feel like this has helped you in any way
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then please give the video our thumbs up and let us know the comments if you've tried out
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any of our advice and how it went for you. You can also head over to our website
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where we have a ton of helpful articles or relationships. And of course, if you need any expert advice
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then you can contact one of our trained counsellors in the link below. Until next time. Bye
