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Now today we have a special episode. We're going to be talking about relationship anxiety and fear of intimacy
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Now wanting to be in a relationship but having some of those blocks, those fears
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This is not uncommon. Many people struggle with this sort of fear and justly so
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Because if you open up to someone, you are taking a risk of getting hurt
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you're putting yourself forward out there. But let's consider the alternative. What's the alternative to this fear
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And that, in my eyes, is to remain alone for the rest of your life
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Now, that may seem like nothing significant, but as you get older, you realize that this fear of ending up alone
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is like a gloomy cloud over your head that is just getting bigger and bigger
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And that is scary. Who do you share your life with? I mean, which of these two fears is greater
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Which is more significant. I mean, it's fine if you're comfortable with that
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But if you're not, you need to decide which is the better option
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Now, when it comes to anxiety, it is either due to the fear of failure, or it may be rooted in something deeper
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Like, for instance, your trust has been taken advantage of in the past, be it another type of a relationship
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if this would be your first relationship, or you've burnt yourself in another intimate relationship in a past
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Now trust has two sides to it. If we look at trust first
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When you start dating you trust because you naive and you don know any better I mean there is nothing to create a feeling of mistrust without having had the experience in the first place Now there is the other side of the coin When it comes to the next relationship you trust because of your choice to do so
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It's a calculated risk that you're taking. Not because you're naive, but because you're brave
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And you know that there is much that you can gain if you trust the other person
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It's your courageous decision, knowing that if you trust, you can have an impact and benefit from having the other person in your life
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Does this remove some of the fear? Sure it can. At the same time, maybe it should
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never really, you know, maybe you should never really let go of it. Maybe it's good
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that you have something that keeps you on your toes, knowing that relationships are not
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sat in stone, that they require work. It's reasonable, isn't it? Especially if you consider all of the
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benefits of being in an intimate relationship with someone, when you share your life
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your struggles and your victories with somebody. Now, if you're thinking that your anxiety is rooted
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in the thought of a man taking care of you and you having to cede some of the control to create
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room for intimacy or give up your freedom for a woman, if that is what you're thinking about
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as the thing that scares you, well, maybe you need to reconsider how you are thinking about these things
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Because it seems to me that you think relationships are about control
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And if that is the initial position that you coming from then you got a problem And I don know about you but having to negotiate things to discuss things to compromise None of those things are about control or seeding control or giving up freedom
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It's negotiation in its basic form. The way we experience it with everything in life, even when you're crossing the road, you negotiate it
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You have the lights, cars, timing, distance that needs to be crossed
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everything is a negotiation and yet do you ever feel like you're seeding control
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And when it comes to relationships, it's actually even better than that
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Sure, you need to discuss things. Compromise or at least talk about your opinions and proposals
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but isn't that better to have somebody to have the other perspective
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somebody who can shed more light on things and either validate your opinions and choices
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help you understand the negatives or reveal possibilities that you have not even seen before
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To me, that's the advantage. It's always better to go through things in life with another person than alone
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don't you think? It's definitely not about seeding control. It's not about that
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The essence of an intimate relationship should be truthful negotiation and not control or power
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If that is what you have experienced with or have struggled with, then check out
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one of these videos up here. So maybe you're afraid because you simply have a misapprehension
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about one optimal relationship or a reasonable intimate relationship would be. And look, if you are
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worried about the other person that they will be taking care of you then if you remove your power struggle related fears then surely having somebody look after you is a good thing
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If it's a good thing for one, then surely it's, you know, just fair that it's reciprocal dynamic
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reciprocal dynamic between you and your partner. And look, I'm not saying that you will never argue, but any power struggle should be a byproduct
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of the dynamic between you and your partner, not the basis of your relationship
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And actually one thing you should never do in a relationship is avoid conflict or pretend that
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you are something other than you actually are because then you want seat control and you will
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not fall prey to some futile or pathological paradigmic or toxic relationships, which often
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happens with people when they pretend that there is something else or let their
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the resentment build up. So if you have anxiety of intimacy, fear of relationships, slow things
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down and take them one step at the time and if someone is not able to accommodate your pace
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then give them up. Don't pretend and don't waste your time. Obviously, be realistic about your
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own issues and insecurities and demands, but don't push for things that you know will cause
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you issues in the future or will be the basis of another toxic relationship. But most of all
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Don't be scared to try. Take things slow, but take them in a specific direction
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Time is one thing that none of us will ever get back. You know, it's one thing that we waste
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all the time. So don't waste it. Push it. Try, attempt. Take things in a direction that you want
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And never stop trying
